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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    June, 2020 One Week Challenge  ›  On The Grassy Knoll - OWC Moderators: LC
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  Author    On The Grassy Knoll - OWC  (currently 2184 views)
Don
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 8:20am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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On The Grassy Knoll by Puddin' Tane - Short, Sci Fi - Bill and Barb discuss their future on the grassy knoll. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Cameron
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 9:30am Report to Moderator
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Alright Writeroo!

Sooooo, I used to do these OWC’s a lot, haven’t in a while, so forgive me for any potentially rusty reviews as I dust down my marking pencil of doom and attempt to fumble my way around these works of wonder...

It read like a sketch in a show, and tbh I was a bit confused abut exactly what was going on. The writing itself is technically fine, if not actually good and solid, but the plot was a bit confusing and despite 2 reads i didn’t quite figure it out (might just be me).

Parameter wise, I’m not sure the technology angle was there, and the feel of a sketch kinda dragged the horror out of it if I’m honest, so not quite there for me I’m afraid.

Still, was a nice little read, and just because I don’t think it fits doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy it.

Best of luck,

Cam
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Zack
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 10:50am Report to Moderator
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The writing is solid... That's about all I got for positives.

Pretty boring for such a short script, sorry to say. On the second page, Barb and Bill seem to flip flop on if they want to survive.

I don't see any sci-fi or horror here.

Sorry to sound so negative. Like I said, the writing itself is good. Story just doesn't do it for me.
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eldave1
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
BILL (30s, well dressed) and BARB (30s, well dressed), lay sprawled on the ground next to each other. Gasping for air.


A bit of a clunky start – lies not lay, well-dressed is too pedestrian/vague  – business casual or formal dress and an Armani suit?

The dialogue is too OTN in a could of spots - for example - people don't tell each other what year it is.

Okay - sorry I am lost - read it twice and have no idea what is going on. I mean, I was interested to see what developed - but nothing did.  The last add is that I wouldn't have been able to guess what the parameters for the OWC was from reading this.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Spqr
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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This reads like the ending of a story where something bad has happened. Sort of like a prologue that entices you to read the book to find out what led to this. But an ending without any context isn’t a story. The characters were written as they are in order to prove the “truth” of the aphorism spelled out at the end.  That’s the epitome of “telling” not “showing.”
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ajr
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
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Agree with what's been said already, not sure how much I can add. This is all dialogue with the theme given to us at the end. As Spqr says, the action and dialogue should show, and support, the theme. You had 3 pages to play with, so in the future don't be afraid to dig in to the story, and now with the parameters of the exercise gone you have as many pages as you like, and you can expand this to "show" us a bit more.

Good luck with it!

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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MarkD
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
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Nicely written but I don't know what the point of the story is.
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DaveTroop
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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On The Grassy Knoll

Wow.

Clocking in at just over two pages.  
Seemed like a political ad, or a commercial about expensive health care.
Actually, I don't know what this was about.

Watch your dialog.  This read like bad soap opera.  

Thanks for entering the contest.

Good luck in the finals.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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Damn, I was hoping for JFK based time travel ;-(

Instead we get a morality sketch about capitalism?

Not for me I'm afraid but well done on entering.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Fais85
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 5:47am Report to Moderator
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Didn't work for me either.

As people mentioned, nothing is going on here. The writing is so aimless that you have to put a SUPER, in the end, to let the readers know what exactly you wanted to say.

Congrats on entering the contest.
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FrankM
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 10:54am Report to Moderator
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Should start with "FADE IN:" and end with "FADE OUT." but otherwise technically fine.

This seems like the after-credits epilogue of a longer story. I got what they were talking about, so the writing was clear in that sense, but...

That's a LOT of talking for two people out of breath and gasping for air.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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Geezis
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 1:41pm Report to Moderator
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There's always a single malt waiting for you.

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Not entirely sure what was going on to be honest, nothing to hint at the threat other than some breathlessness.

Formatted properly though.

Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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Gum
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

Are we talking about getting chipped or something here, or death comes knocking via… something ominous controlled by the forces that be? Perhaps a virus was released, and everyone needs to be vaccinated with a monetary/social credit score chip in order to survive? But… you have to pay for it?

That’s all I could take away from this.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
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Story: Wait, what? They are the last two people alive in 2036 – did I read that right? And they’re going to extinguish humankind because they don’t want to pay for it?  Pay who, if they’re the only ones left?  I guess the takeaway from this is what the SUPER says.  Seemed more like a sketch, but it certainly wasn’t a bad one, at least, and easily filmable.  

Characters: Both Bill and Barb start out as interesting characters, and then we find out how shallow they really are.  Good job at making that transition.

Dialogue:  It wasn’t Aaron Sorkin but it did what it needed to do, which is get you invested in what was going on with these two.  A little on the nose at times, but otherwise okay.

Writing:  Told a story that wasn’t meandering, not confusing, and a nice twist at the end, so pretty good in my book.

Meeting the challenge:  Well, it’s set in the future, but hard to see the sci-fi or the horror here.  Some people will DQ it for that, but frankly, I don’t care.  I just liked the story.


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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The Moviegoer
Posted: June 8th, 2020, 6:57am Report to Moderator
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Didn’t do anything for me. People are too greedy to save themselves if it means helping someone else – cutting off their nose to spite their face. Nice theme but needs a better story.


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