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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The June 2021 Challenge  ›  Leftovers - June Challenge Moderators: Zack
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  Author    Leftovers - June Challenge  (currently 169 views)
Don
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Leftovers by The StoRyTeller - After, an unsuccessful mission on a foreign planet a crew member finds his only escape in giving up his body.  Short, Sci Fi


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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
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Have to say this one left me a little confused over what was happening at the end.  I get that Sam is trapped under a mound of rocks in a cave, and that there's a nearby robot that the AI summons. But I'm not sure what happened afterwards.  Did Sam provide the bot with a message to deliver to the others, or did the bot rescue Sam?  That seems to be the indication by the last line, but I'm just not certain.

Has a bit of tension of drama built in and I think this could actually do much better in a longer form, where you have additional pages to explore the situation and delve more into the solution.  Still a good effort here.


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer, I really like this idea. The script ain't bad either. A touch of humor, but I had a little trouble with the ending. Left me scratching my head. I think a bit of clarity is needed in regards to Sam. I'll assume he makes it.

Reg
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
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I'm never convinced that opening with an unfilmable (smell of cold and sulphite) is a good idea, lets see where this goes.

There's some awkward writing that takes away from the script in places, worth another look after the challenge.

The script works in terms of criteria but I thought it felt a little familiar.

Good work at getting a script in.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Gum
Posted: June 22nd, 2021, 11:17am Report to Moderator
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This took me a few passes to construct the overall narrative, quite a bit of sci-fi crammed into a few pages, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing, just means you have a knack for using page real estate to its full potential.

This is definitely a snippet from a bigger picture, not saying it’s from a bigger picture, just feel it would sit nicely in and amongst the ending of an interstellar sci-fi trilogy, and the prospect of everyone being saved and safely onboard for their final departure off some God-forsaken planet, and on their way back home to Earth.

On that note, you really packed someone in and amongst the rubble to meet the challenge, and the usage of a small bot bringing a message of hope is kind of heartwarming. Best of luck.


My scripts and templates: Obfuscation
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Yuvraj
Posted: June 22nd, 2021, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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This was like a cluster of technical jargon. The writing needs improvement. Didn't really cared for the story. The ending seemed like the one in the movie Birdman. Couldn't understand it in that movie and... same here.

Good luck.



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Yuvraj  -  June 22nd, 2021, 1:05pm
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Zack
Posted: June 22nd, 2021, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Very first line of prose is unfilmable. Watch that.

The very next line of prose has me scratching my head. Not off to a great start here.  Gonna just power through...

So... Sam wasn't visible when he was introduced? I'm sorry to nit-pick, but this is still the first page!

Alright, finished. The story itself isn't bad. Very imaginative, but the actual writing can be improved. And I'll be honest, I have no clue what happened at the end. Does Sam survive?

Good effort.


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs

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Zack  -  June 23rd, 2021, 4:04pm
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JEStaats
Posted: June 22nd, 2021, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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I think the logline explains this one (maybe): I believe that Sam downloaded his consciousness into the AI? Hence, the smile from Beth?

I agree that the brunt of the technical mumbo-jumbo could be edited out to make this flow a bit better. Interesting concept that deserves revisiting.

Good work, writer.
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Arundel
Posted: June 23rd, 2021, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
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So Sam uploads himself onto the chip because he knows his body isn't going to make it? Interesting premise, not totally original, but well done. Kept imagining 'Sam' Rockwell in MOON.
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: June 23rd, 2021, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

Congrats on completing the challenge.

Notes: Clever concept. But this a lot of explaining. Lol. Couldn’t follow the jargon. Will definitely need to expand this if still interested.

Hope this helps,
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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LC
Posted: June 23rd, 2021, 11:58pm Report to Moderator
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This needs a cleanup, feels like a rush job - to be expected really.

Under a rumbling noise,
A rumbling noise would suffice.

Everywhere he looks there are stones. He is buried

I think you could do better to ramp up that description. Have his upper body visible only, trapped, buried beneath rocks and boulders.

Speaking of: To create the vibe of danger and being trapped, I'd call them rocks, maybe even boulders. Stones are smaller - at least to be buried under, you'd have a chance to extricate yourself from stones and I wouldn't think they'd inflict much damage. Just a thought...

SAM
Fuck, I can't feel my legs.

Okay, that line just always elicits laughter from me. Doesn't help that we had a comedic ad here - My legs, my legs, I can't feel my legs... - even so, I think just him having trouble trying to catch his breath and his face contorting in pain might be better, and less clichéd.

He closes his eyes. Beads of sweat run down his forehead.
His blue eyes open now and stare into the void.

Delete the 'and'.
Try maybe: blue eyes blink open... stare into the void.

Each holding to a
string as the turbulent wind around it heavily blows.

Perhaps call it a cable - tethered to?

Perhaps a bit more clarity with
A soft tone as your denouement?

Anyway my nitpicks may give a negative impression when I actually loved this.
From the techie jargon all the way to the very memorable ending. Loved it!



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Abe from LA
Posted: June 24th, 2021, 5:10am Report to Moderator
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I don't do Science Fiction, so this would not be a story for me.
However, I found something intriguing in the setup. I would like to see a visual of the dead crew members who were also stuck in the cave. That would help me feel Sam's despair.
"Initiating the uplink," was his way of conceding physical death. Success of the uplink was a mere 2 percent. Maybe Ara tells Sam that that the uploads for the dead crew members had failed.

So, transferring himself onto a chip was his only escape — despite the odds.
I think this story ends with a sense of "hope."  Good job.
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Spqr
Posted: June 24th, 2021, 6:06pm Report to Moderator
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The opening lines are too vague to offer much guidance to a filmmaker.

The first line:
     “...smell of cold and damp sulphite…”
is fine for a novel but not a film script because it can’t be filmed.

The second line about “fog and dankness” concealing the surroundings tells us nothing about what is there.

The third line:
      “a drop from afar...falling like an inaudible tune.”
A drop of what? And what does an  inaudible tune sound like?

Sam’s interaction with ARA does a good job of establishing the hopelessness of Sam’s situation. When Sam tells ARA to “initiate the uplink” I assume this means that the intent is to upload his “personality” to Wheeler, the robot. Wheeler’s return to the spaceship indicates success, right?

Joe’s line:
     “We gotta go, or we’ll be sucked into the black hole too.”
Is this what happened to Sam or some other spacecraft in their group? If so, this should be changed to something else,  because a black hole would eat Planet B49. And its sun.
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Lono
Posted: June 25th, 2021, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Sci Fi, one of my favourite genres. Some of the action reads like narration, but i don't mind it if it helps establish tone. I like the idea of being stuck without a hope of rescue, but it just felt like a scene out of a movie and not a short film. The writing is pretty good, only critique I have, more of a nitpick is  " I can't feel my legs" it's pretty cliche to me. Nice work
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