Ste,

Looked back on my review and noticed it was pretty sour so wanted to give you a few new thoughts.

My biggest issue was how nothing seemed to have any relevance with anything else in the script.  However, (as I forgot to mention in my previous rant) I thought the overall idea was pretty cool.  A reporter stalked by a maniacal fan.

I really like the feedback Sandra wrote about having Danny watching Lucy at the beginning.
Maybe have him watching at an earlier day but keep his identity concealed.  You could even throw in the mother shouting at him during this scene.
Then, as you tell the story and each male character is introduced, the reader is constantly guessing... Is this the guy?
Don't know if you purposely were going for a tragic ending but another idea could be, have the mother come down to seemingly scold Danny but instead she is excited by what he has done.  Still a good twist without completely coming out of nowhere.  Would also liked to have seen Luke somehow find Lucy and save the day.
Just some ideas that I think would help to unify the elements of the story.

Keep writing my friend.
Peace

Hi Sandra

Yeah, that's what I tried to do. The guy watching the TV outside the electrical store is Danny, tried to show that only with his use of the word 'baby'. Pretty generic pet name, but didn't want to give it a way. Maybe if I lose the 'quote' I can have a better start to this, and show that a bit clearer.

Moroh

Don't worry about it haha your review gave me a smile. All fair comments, and the part about the 'whole stalker thing' gave me a chuckle.

Ste

Fraid I have to agree with the general consensus Ste,

I think the script would work better if you brought back eith Luke, or Mark, or both at the end, to maybe of save the day... or not... ! but more so just to fix the ending and give those characters a greater purpose.

i thought the piece was really well written...moved well...its just so difficult to try and pull off a "stalker" story given the parameters of the owc (i.e. 15 pgs.)...perhaps danny could have been serving them at the cafe...this way you might have been able to establish some way for danny to "justify"(feeling he was being cheated on when he sees her flirtatious banter with mark) his feelings for lucy...just a thought from the balcony...

peace,
slap shot

The first thing I noticed is that Lucy and Luke sound and look the same, so it was hard for me to know who was who when reading this. And what was the purpose of Luke and Mark? You'd think Luke would be the guy killing her because he was jealous that Mark, as pointless as he was, stole Lucy from him.

We never find out who Danny is, so I'm guessing he's some psychotic boyfriend she used to have, and judging by the way the old woman acted, I think that the family was a bunch of hicks living together. There are a lot of unanswered questions here.

But it was a good script, and very well written. I liked it.

Sean

Just a thought on how you could better portray that Danny thinks she was talking to him through the TV. Maybe Danny can actually argue with the TV at the end, prompting Lucy to ask who he's talking to and him reveal this quirk.  Just be carefully with how you would write it cause it could easily come off as cheap exposition and hokey.