Sorry this sis so late, I'm just now getting a chance to read these OWC entries.

Hey Sandra.

I don't really know what to think about this one.  

Heres why:

I really liked the plot for a while, and was really excited to read part two, but then as it was ending, I just got really confused....I feel like you have quite a lot going on, and maybe it will become more clear in the second, but it definetely couldn't hurt to try and go through and clear up some of the confusing things you have in here.

What confused me was Rhinosteegas (especially at the end with the postcards).  I was alaso a little confused by the brotherhood.

The other thing is that the whole "The family was dead all along" thing is a ghost story classic.  Does that make it a cliche?  I don't know.  Some will definetely say yes and that it has been used to death, but I think that its cool, especially since you're expanding on it and giving it a deeper meaning to the character than just a chance occurence.

As a final note, it seems weird when yuley talks to himself.  Maybe have him use the stress kit in a Wile E. Coyote fashion, where he reads direction on how to use it and we see the directions.  Talking to himself seems surreal....and not in a supernatural way like the rest of your script , but the bad way.


Hope this helps!  I'm excited for part two!

-Tyler

Hello Tyler,

I need to work with the threads I've got going and build the feature. The dice showing up in the middle are too out of the blue; so I need to work on this. As well, Rhinosteegas needs to be developed from the get-go so the postcards make sense and also so that his role is clear.

I don't know what you mean about "the family all dead" cliche. Maybe you can let me know, and I might use it. LOL. But Yuley's family isn't all dead. His brother is dead and his "known" friends from the brotherhood are dead.

Regarding his talking to himself: He definitely is talking to himself as he reads the directions and mocks the "stress relief kit" in his various voices.

Thanks a lot for the read!

Sandra

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. I don't know what you mean about "the family all dead" cliche. Maybe you can let me know, and I might use it. LOL. But Yuley's family isn't all dead. His brother is dead and his "known" friends from the brotherhood are dead.

Sorry I was unclear.  I meant with the family in camping lot #53.  Its a classic ghost story, usually told in the form of a hitchhiker tale, something like this:

My good friend Joe was once driving to his grandparent house in Michigan when he saw a cute girl his age standing by the side of the road, trying to hitch a ride.  being the exemplary citizen that he is, he picked her up.  Her name was Jenny and she was just headed home, about a mile or so down the road in his direction, so on the way they made small chat and really hit it off.  Finally they reached her house, said good-bye, and dropped her off.  As he was pulling away, he realized she left her sweater in his car, and so he turned right back around to return it.  Sweater in hand, he walked up the front steps, rings the doorbell, and waits untill a little old lady answers the door.

"Hello ma'm, I just gave Jenny a ride home and she left this sweater in my car."
The old lady's jaw dropped, as if she'd seen a ghost.
"Jenny's my daughter, she's been disappeared twenty years ago hitch hiking, and they found her body in a ditch about a week later."

Bum Bum Bum!

That stories as old as dirt and has been retold around countless campfires in countless different variations.  Embrace it.  If you're making this a feature, maybe you can incorporate other classic ghost stories.  If you don't know any, PM me, it's sort of a hobby of mine.

Or don't if thats not the direction you plan on taking.

Either way, keep me updated on your progress.

-Tyler

My dear Tyler!

I do remember ones along those lines! No, I actually hadn't thought of "those urban legend stories" when I started working on this.

This is definitely an angle I hadn't thought of. LOL

Sandra