This was inspired by The Dark Knight. The difference is that this lacked tension. Some of the dialogue was good but this could be cut down especially when he explains about himself.

When the SWAT member rappelled down, why didn't the other SWAT members follow? Why wasn't the undercover SWAT guy more subtle? I think it would have been better that it automatically happened without having Ripper seeing the undercover SWAT guy.

The quote didn't fit. It seemed that you just wanted to have that quote out of the way in the beginning.

A different take of the Joker. A valiant attempt.

Gabe

While this had nothing to do with the quote and barely counts for drama, it's okay.  Most of my comments have already been said so I'll try to be new.

Bold and italics. No. Stop it. They should be reserved for, if at all, the twist of a 90+ page feature, not multiple times in a 15 page short.

When you wrote something about a robber and his accomplices. This seemed to not included the Jok-- I mean Ripper. (did anyone refer to his as Ripper. I can't remember. Point is that if no one activly calls him that, a viewer don't know thats his name. No point in have a cool name if no one knows it til the credits.) Oh yeah, if  this is the introduce of Brain, call it Brain and accomplices.

Whether it was previously written and the line thrown in or what, it just didn't feel like it was for the challenge.

take heart fellow scribe...i was guilty of the very same thing (presentation)...we will learn together and will emege better for it...it's all part of the process...dust yourself off and get back on the horse...

peace,

db "slapshot"

Not sure who Tim Betts is, but I’m sure as hell not him! Looks like some folks lost a bet there.  But Thanks to the lot of you who gave such insightful comments and observations. I’ll go into detail what went through my mind while writing, but first…I have a teeny weeny dilemma to purge myself of:

When I had first started reading the Joker comparisons, I started to get upset. Then after a day of it I started to laugh. And, yesterday, when I checked back to find these reviews were flooded with Batman assessments, I guess the irritation settled in again.

It seemed like all the work I’d done was simplyfied to being “the joker” or “joker-esque”.

The idea had derived from a journal(ahemm not diary) entry I had written a few weeks back on a myspace blog. They were thoughts of abandonment, depression, and the lack sense of belonging.

A few days after the OWC was announced, I stumbled upon that entry and decided to see what I could make of it. Hence came the character of “Ripper.”

My original approach of Ripper’s appearance was an old town Daniel Day Lewis fully clad with a hint of cowboy feaver.

HOWEVER, I will give people this. AND I should have been smart enough to know that it would draw comparisons… The ONLY thing the joker inspired was the skeletal paint portrayal.  UGH!!! What a mistake.

Now to the STORY ASPECT of it all.

The drama to me wasn’t in the bank hiest. It was with Ripper, and how he was so caught up in America’s BS.

One thing people had a problem with, was that he basically gave up at the end…And that’s what I wanted him to do. Because something I had conceptualized – yet executed horribly – was that Ripper actually doesn’t want to live. I started to aim at it with the “Are you sure you blocked the alarm?” and he responded “ofcourse, you think I want to be caught” … and I forgot to make a point of how impassive he was in robbing this bank.    

Don’t get me wrong, Ripper was a guy trying to save his daughter – but really, he was wanting it all to end.

OH AND BTW – the SWAT invasion was in actuality a smoke bomb.. A simple slip of words on my part…

In closing, THANKS ALL! Had great fun and  its too bad there’s no iscript this time.

PS. I feel like if this challenge was one week earlier, I’d get a completely different set of reviews and I can’t help but feel cheated.

PSS Damn you Batman.

-Bryan

That's why I always do my critique first, before reading any of the other reviews; that way I know that my insights and opinions are completely my own and not biased in anyways.

When I read your script, I immediately saw The Joker, but this isn't a bad thing. The same thing happens in other scripts. I will think: This is like "Stardust" or "Hook" or whatever.

This is actually a very important thing to consider when you are writing a query, or in script, its often referred to as a treatment. And that thing is:

Giving the reader something that they can identify with. Like:

"One Good Hit" is built in the same tradition as "Rocky" but with a twist, BB Breemore is an ex convict, and "The Big Fight" is part of a bet where if he dares to lose, his friend in jail will die.

When a cruel guard with big dreams of a life out of the pit hole, discovers a gambling ring, he takes the lack of ethics to another level. The gambling promotions already include cock fights, dog fights... A human life seems like the only wager, but it's soon discovered that many people's lives are on the line.

** You see what I mean here? The comparisons can be your friend; not necessarily your enemy.

By the way, if anyone wants to use that idea, by all means, go ahead. It's not the type of script I would be good at writing, but I would certainly offer to help with the storycraft, side of things, and a lot of small details.

As I said Bryan,

This was a good effort.

Sandra

How far will a father's love go? Maybe too far. The Ballad of Uncle Sam treads softly, but with big footprints.

Sandra

Thats quite fine, win some you lose some. On to the next thing i say.

Hey Bryan,

I write down my responses as I read screenplays so I'm not influenced by anybody else's comments.  To be honest, I didn't even know this was a One Week Challenge until seeing other people's responses.

First of all, you are a really good writer with I think a lot of potential.  I liked the moody writing style of the overall piece.

As for the Joker thing, to be honest, when I was reading it, I didn't even think about the Joker at all.  (But I also haven't seen Dark Knight, either.)  I did think the make-up skeleton was a little overboard, but I guess he did have to disguise himself.  What were the accomplice's make-up?

One thing that did get to me was I had to read a bunch of descriptions over and over because of simple mistakes.  I kept on getting lost.  Such as on Pg. 3:  'The air thick is with fear'.  Not saying I couldn't figure it out, but it got annoying having to go back and figure out what you were actually trying to say.

A few other things that didn't add up was when Ripper asks Brain how much time they have.  Brain says 5.  Then Ripper says 'You have 7.'  Why did he even ask him how long he had in the first place.

Another question I had was the swat team.  If they're in a country town, with 'moo'ing and everything, bank robbers have more than enough time to get in and out before swat from the city arrives.  Trust me, I used to live in a hick town, there's no swat.

I have to go now but I'll be back in a few minutes to finish.

-Mark

Allright, sorry about that, I'm in the library and we only have so much time on one certain computer.

Anyway, back to the hick town with their own SWAT team.  Another thing I fingered out was the bank vault.  My hick town never had any laser walls or anything high-tech or anything like that, so it made it hard for me to get into the ending.  It just didn't seem real and it felt rushed.  Now, with the hindsight of knowing it was an OWC, I understand why it was rushed.

Like I said, I do like your writing, how moody it is, and I was really into it in the beginning.  Also, Ripper had some really intelligent things to say and I got into that aspect of it, too.

I will be checking on some more of your stuff to see if I like it as much.

Nice meeting you, Bryan

- Mark