Quoted from Takeshi It struck me as being a fairly odd review.

It's Pia - what did you expect?

Hello Persian,

Spoiler Alert


Oh my goodness this was a beauty! I have to say I saw it coming, but it doesn't matter-- it was a good one.

It can still use a little bit of tightening here and there like in the beginning:

Tighten to something like:

The driver, BERNARD JONES, (55), reaches down for an "Ice House" beer. He's obese with long greasy grey hair.

I think that's all you need here to tell the story of Bernard. The rest comes through his dialogue.

When he was heading to meet "her" at the graveyard, that's when I knew that his wife was going do him in.

I think this is a well designed short that doesn't need too much to make it better.

Maybe you might try and conceal the fact that his wife might ever do such a thing. Maybe you could insert a conversation where his wife says to her friend, "Yeah, but I love him..." And maybe this attitude continues until one day something happens that pushes her right over the edge. Maybe instead of taking the dog to the vet, he shoots it instead and then...

Maybe, SHE FINDS AN ACTUAL LOVE LETTER AND DISCOVERS HE'S BEEN CHEATING. Maybe this is how she comes up with the plan. But all we see on screen is her hurt; not a scheming woman who plans to murder her husband.

So I guess what I'm saying is that maybe you could work the tension a little more. And also the believability with why she puts up with so much.

Good job!!!

Sandra

I just finished reading some of the comments, (I always read them after I've done my critique) and I wanted to chime in to add the same thing about Billy Bob which I forgot to mention in my crit.

He did come out of nowhere, I had went back to re-read because I didn't remember him being introduced.

Like others have said, he doesn't need to be there. I think that she can be alone and that's good enough, without an accomplice.

I want to add that this is excellent work for someone writing on OWC's eve!!!! And tipsy to boot? If only we all could be so talented!

Again, good job here!

Sandra

this was the first submissiion that i read...luv the the concept and the way the story flowed on the page...my only concern is that, if being a first class a-hole is worthy of a death sentence, then there would be a significant drop in the male population... it would have worked better for me if, may be, he had raised his hand to her...something to indicate physical danger to his wife...just a thought...but overall this one was "top-shelf"

SPOILERS



I thought Bernard was a real piece of     .
I also thought Edna was too sweet to him, too. I would have liked to see her change a little bit at a time other than hold it in and change all at once at the end. I think it would have added more drama in the story.

I thought a taser was too good for this guy, too. I think she should have tied him to a tree out in the middle of nowhere. I would have liked to seen him shouting and talking bad to the buzzards (the same way he did Edna) as they circle overhead.
Evil, I know. Guess you can tell when some stories hit home by the replies they get.

Good effort for the OWC

The smilies are winking. I typed them in by hand, thought they would just be smilies.


Cindy

This was really good. But then you introduced Billy Bob and it just imploded from there. A very disapointing ending to an otherwise very promising start. I really like the writing in this script and the charactersation. Sure, Bernard was not a charming individual but he was kinda funny in a way. Maybe he was painted a little too evil?

Edna was a tragic figure that simply had had enough, but it was a bit abrubt and her acttion in the end was a bit out of character I felt. Maybe if the script had been a little longer, with a little more focus on Edna, then it might have worked better imo.

Rob

I didn't get to read this one until now but I noticed that everyone seemed to like it so I had high hopes.

I did like the story.  Very simple but entertaining little tale.  I do agree that a surprise ending was fairly obvious but still didn't detract from making it an enjoyable read.  

Unfortunately, however, I seem to have had a few more issues with it than most of you guys/gals.

Oddly, the Billy Bob thing didn't bother me all that much.  At least not to the point of stopping the story dead in its tracks.  I'll admit that, for a split second, it did make me think WTF? but I pieced it together pretty quickly.  I think a simple change to "He recognizes the ugly lady as BILLY BOB, his nephew, dressed in drag."  would have squashed the whole issue a little bit.

Much more distracting for me were quite a few cases of seemingly redundant or unnecessary descriptions.

At the very beginning, we are introduced to Bernard in his mail jeep, driving down the road, yet we keep being reminded that he is driving and on a dirt road after it has already been established.

Also, when Bernard is in his chair, it says "his eyes never leave the television report on the upcoming football games being broadcast over the weekend."  Think you could just lop off the "...being broadcast over the weekend".

When Tom shows up, it reads "A US Mail jeep, just like his, pulls up."  Then after Tom is introduced, it repeats, "He drives up, stops by the mailbox".

On the way to the cemetery, we get EXT.ROAD- Bernards Jeep drives down the road, then INT. JEEP - MOVING, then again, "Bernard drives down the road"

Okay, so maybe I'm nitpicking but, like the others, I enjoyed the story and felt that it was a good, quality work.  I just found some of these examples to be distraction that slowed my momentum as a reader.  Perhaps it's just me because no one else seemed to mention it.

Anyway, I'm well aware that the OWC is a quick challenge and does not allow much time for editing but just wanted to point out a few easy trimmings that could really tighten up the flow of the story.

Still, enjoyed your style and concept.  Good work.







  

This was a fun read.  Nicely written, well within the dramatic scope.  I'm sure I and everyone else knows who wrote this but I think I know what provided a little bit of inspiration for it (and I'm going to insist that person read it).  

Anyway, this was excellent for 4 hours of work. You should be proud of yourself.

As far as issues with it.  Well I would have to say that it was, not entirely, but a bit on the predictable side.  There was never a doubt in my mind that Edna was involved in the letters.  If you do rewrite it I would suggest to downplay her nosiness.

    

Too add to what makes this story so much fun is how much it nails men in general.

Bernard himself never stops to question the logic of this cute little twentysomething having the hots for him. Why wouldn't she? In his mind, he's still the blond Adonis that he was twenty years ago, getting hit on by cute female tourists while standing in the check out line.  

It's male vanity at it's very finest.  Would I be surprised if I were in Bernard's position?
I plead the fifth.

This was a good read, the first OWC I have managed to read so far and a great start.

It was not a huge surprise at the end but it was set up well and kept its pace up right to the end delivering the pay-off perfectly I thought. The opening couple of pages I thought were excellent, I could clearly picture Bernard in his van, everything was described really well.

There was one line which I am not sure about, telling her that the taser was a Christmas present, just does not seem right - she knows it is a Christmas present why would he tell her? Probably would have been better for him to just say "I bought you that to keep you safe from weirdo's" or something. Small point though and of course in the grand scheme of things is not important.

Really good job and even more so if this was indeed written in a few hours, no doubt with a few glasses of wine.

Cheers

I thought the beginning of this one was beautiful. It really flowed. And it had me mezmorized. Probably the only entry i've read that i loved.

My only problem though, if you can call it that, was that it went so left turn with the graveyard scene. The taser came out of nowhere and ZAP.

What i mrean is here's this flowing piece of literature. Then comes this scene that happens so fast and moves quickly with Bernard falling to his grave.

I personally think this would be more personal and less confusing if Billy Bob was cut out completely. We don't need him really. My two cents anyway. But other than that --

Good job !

Love Letters: A lovely little tale of creeping vengeance.

Moving my favorites up.

Sandra

My favourite script so far.  An easy read and even though some people are putting holes into your script, I think it was a good script overall.

Takecare & and goodluck for the future.

This was a decent read. I was prepared to hassle you about Edna being too passive to Bernard's abuse but the ending obviously explains that. I have to admit, I had a feeling something was up but I wasn't sure Edna was involved. The ending felt a little anti-climactic though. Just a little. All the pieces are there and technically Bernard does get what he deserves but I thought that it wasn't enough just to tasor him. This is a drama, I'm not saying you should have some cliche torture fest but having been tasored, Bernard could just as well get up and walk away later on. He should die (or at least be buried alive, we don't have enough of those stories around here ). I also thought the line "keep the change" was weird. Lose it.

All in all, I like. Good job, Pia.

I thought this script was okay, everything seemed kind of telegraphed.  I liked the beginning line where Edna is disappointed to see the case of beer in the truck, that one line spoke volumes about the relationship, the abusive behavior after is more of a confirmation.

As I said before, it's a little telegraphed, as soon as Edna made such a big deal about the letter, something obviously was up.  Not that I think Bernard should have figured it out.  In fact, it kept the characterization consistent that he wouldn't think anything of it and would figure that just because he wore a uniform, women would just plotz for him.

Where'd the taser come from?  Billy Bob may not have been seeded, but the taser was also out of nowhere.  I'm not sure where it could have been seeded, but something about Edna having protection even would have given us an opening, the old gun in the drawer in act one thing.