Mercy by T. Joseph Fraser (Blakkwolf) - (Garry Oak) - Short, Drama - Bad things come in small packages. A young runaway gets into trouble at a roadside diner. - pdf, format

This one was very well written and the story flowed together quite well.  The line was used in a c0ol way so this one fit the challenge.  I really liked Deborah, I think she was the most interesting character in the story, Fred was also a cool bad ass.  The banter between him and Jillian was quite entertaining.  I think the only thing that didn't work for me was the reporter stuff at the end, it didn't seem like how reporters talk, it was kinda strange IMO, but other than that this is a top notch entry, good dialog and good characters pulled this story together well.

as far as writing goes, this had some high quality to it. Nice narrative and good dialogue.

The two parts, the hotel and diner, seemed like a jarring juxtaposition.  It seemed like part of a larger piece. Kinda suffered as a stand alone.

As of this point I'd say it's the strongest writing I've read and most "drama" but ironically the line seems very forced in here.

Otherwise, strong piece. Good show.

This was easily the most polished effort I have read.  Either the writer is just more talented or took a bit more time putting the piece together. (probably a bit of both)

- Action and descriptions were crisp and interesting.  Plenty of information without over explaining things.

- Dialogue sounded more real and natural.  Each character had a somewhat unique voice.

- Didn't mind how some things were not fully explained.  Actually like that kind of thing.  However, it did leave me wanting a little more.  Which is probably good... rather have that than just apathy towards a story. (which, honestly, I've had with many of these scripts)

- Only complaint was the very last page.  Newswoman basically repeating what we already knew.  I wasn't really disappointed, just had higher hopes, given the skill of the rest of the writing.

Good work my friend.  

Hey,


After reading this I had to read all the reviews for it because I didn't really get the ending and I thought I may have missed something. As others said, the writing was polished and I could visualize everything that was happening with crystal clear clarity. I'll have to get you to edit some of my stuff. LOL.

However, after such a great set up, I was expecting a ripping ending, so I was a little disappointed when it finished with so many unanswered questions. I wanted to know what had happened between her and her parents and I wanted to know what she'd stolen from Fred that made him flip out the way he did. However, I'm guessing her reference to her unforgivable act towards her parents and the fact that Fred came back to get what she'd stolen was all about illustrating, that contrary to our initial perceptions of Mercy, she was actually a predator and not a victim at all.  Still I’d love to know what she took from Fred that made him crazy enough to shoot that waitress. Ah, yes. The penny is starting to drop. Good work my friend.

    

The descriptions on the first page grabbed a hold of me quite quickly.
I thought hey were very good.

There were a few type o's (as found in any one week script)

One thing was off though...
Fred made it to the hotel before Mercy made it inside the resturant to begin with, then when he noticed something was missing, he left. There was a lot of stuff happening inside the resturant before he made it back there...

I would have liked to gotten a little glimpse of what was inside her duffel bag, and maybe seen a picture of her on a milk carton or on a missing child poster, too.

I thought this was a very good script for the OWC.
Cindy

This was extremely well written, a couple of typos but nothing major. My only gripe is that the focal point of the script is never explained - I don't like that. In fact it pisses me off. But still, the writing in itself saved this script

Rob

This was excellent.  The first four or five pages may be the best written work I've seen on this board.  The only problem is the waitress and the mailman may get a little close to stereotypes.  The teenage runaway who ends up waitrwessing at the diner and the drunk cop who ends up hauling mail.  But it is really well done.  And it's nothurt by the fact taht we don't get any answers.  

This was a great script, very well-written, more drama than action, which some of the other scripts I've read so far lacked.

One thing that bothered me is that it left me with questions. Why did Mercy run away? What was Fred looking for? And one thing to sum it all up: why the hell did all of it happen? I don't see any explanation that can answer it, all I know is that Mercy is a runaway child. I don't understand why Fred would get so mad. I don't understand what Johnson was there for, and why he was a police officer (I think) working for a post office?? Deborah was a cool chick, I think she was my favorite out of the bunch.

Any way, I'm in a hurry, so I couldn't go into specifics. Good job!

Sean

This is probably the best work that anybody can do in a week, seriously top drawer stuff.

The dialogue was superb and the story really flowed. I personally didn't like the quote we had to use but this showed that it can be used effectively and seamlessly.

I would have to wager a guess who wrote this so I'm going to say it's one of these four; Bert, Phil, Rob or Mike...if it's anyone else I'm gonna have to read more of your scripts.

Ste

**EDIT...as Rob has commented on this he's either being sly or I'll delete him from my guesses haha

the story is fast paced and well written...very enjoyable...the only question i had is how fred (who seemed to act irrationally) was able to figure out exactly where to go to find someone that he left on the side of the road...it left me wanting more...that's a good thing..

Crystal clear beauty. The wording is great and the imagery is remarkable. Makes it easy for me to understand whats going on. I liked Deborah.

And some things by the end i was confused by. Some things unclear and maybe when writers are revealed i can ask. But still i was left wanting to read a few pages more.

Great job!! Probably the best i've read so far.

OH! and i have to commend you on doing the drama genre well and not tipping the scale to a soap opera. Thats a pet peeve. And you did it well!

I didn't really like the way the line was used, it felt out of place.

That being said, everything else about the script was superb. The details, descriptions, dialogue, I could picture everything perfectly in my head and the characters were pretty well developed as well.

As everyone has said above, there is still a lot be resolved, but I'm less disappointed and more eager to check back in a week or so for another installment (whether it takes place before or after this one, either one could I believe be pulled off effectively). Long story story, it left me wanting more and was very well written.

Very strong descriptive writing and it is a really strong effort. It’s a true drama and can be visualized very clearly.

Since the positives are well explained above I’m going to take a go at the negatives:

When I was reading it there were several points when I was thinking OK enough, I’ve got the idea, can we move it along. There are a lot of places where you are going shot by shot. They might be nice shots but in places the result felt to me like a slow pace. This could be tightened up a lot.

There is a long stretch from page 3-10 where you are totally dependent on dialog. OK people in the diner serve food and drinks but aside from that they all sit about talking slowly. Done well it could be great drama, done OK it would be dull.

The abruptness of the transition to a violent shoot em up for pages 10-12 is disappointing after what has gone before. I’d suggest having Fred arrive calmly and working with Mercy being afraid and a build up of tension with the other diners before he snaps and things turn bad.

Deborah being shot and disappearing so quickly feels disappointing because she is the co-lead of the thing so I think she should participate in the final sequences.

The ending with the paramedics, newswoman, and policeman is a total anticlimax adding nothing to the story. It would be better if it ended with the Mercy, Mercy, Mercy line. Unfortunately we’d have to disqualify you from the contest!

Speaking of the contest I’d say this is borderline because all you actually have is a minor character who happens to be a mail man but who could have been anything making use of the line at an inappropriate time. The story does not hinge on that line at all and that line would be one of the first in the trash if this was edited to go into production.

Like I said at the top I thought this was good but if you rewrite it hopefully there is something useful in these other comments.

This one seems to be getting some good feedback, so I figured I'd pop it open and take a look.

I'd say that I'm pretty much on board with a lot of the other comments I've seen already, in that this is well written, but I was hoping for a little more.  I guess there's really not a whole lot to be done about it given the parameters of the challenge, but I really hope that you'll go back to this and extend it.

As far as guesses go, I really don't know, but I think this is from somebody that I haven't had the opportunity to read too much from yet.  I think stebrown's guesses are off, because Phil runs the contest, Bert hasn't been reading, and I (if I'm the Mike you're speaking of) didn't enter.  I'm throwing that out there because some people could avoid reading based on that.

One thing I noticed, and this is today's useless piece of info, is that you refer to the hotel room as just that, a hotel.  What you've laid out is a classic "motel" room, and in case you're not sure what the difference is, a motel has rooms that are directly accessible from the outside.  Because of this, they're more likely to be sleazy.

Anyway, good writing, but a little short on story, most likely due to the length restriction I think.  Nice work.