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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The August 2021 OWC  ›  Channel 57 - OWC Moderators: Warren
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Don
Posted: August 20th, 2021, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Channel 57 by Dick Hartley - A mockumentary on the manager of a small town local cable access channel, who hopes he's found just what his station needs to get out of its rut.  Short, Comedy, Mockumentary


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Grandma Bear
Posted: August 21st, 2021, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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Pretty good, IMO. However, it didn't really have the feel of a documentary/mockumentary. More like a regular short. I think that could easily be fixed though by having either, or both a narrator and interviewer.

I'm VERY happy I did not have to watch  Stairway To Heaven being played on an accordion, bass drum or God forbid, the kazoo!!!

Good job though, just tweak it a little to give it a stronger mockumentary feel.  


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SAC
Posted: August 21st, 2021, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

This really didn’t work for me. Didn’t really seem like a mockumentary — like who was doing the filming and, more importantly, why? Norm seemed like too much of a dunce to be believable, and I didn’t find his humor, or off color way of speaking, that funny. You did have a good premise with the Holocaust survivor, but it kind of fizzled. Sorry to sound harsh, writer. Just the way I’m seeing this one.

Good on the effort, though!

Steve


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Robert Timsah
Posted: August 21st, 2021, 6:22pm Report to Moderator
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Story Is Structure

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The Office vibes, which is ALWAYS a good thing. That kind of dry humor will not always work on everyone but who cares about them?

Anyway, I liked the dry, sarcasm and Norm's goofiness. The end was a little meh. I don't know if you've seen UHF, but you should watch it. Others were saying this wasn't a mocumentary, but it's told in a similar style as the Office which is a mocumentary. No this is not mine, either lol

I have a similar sense of humor, so I enjoyed it, just think it needed a bit stronger confluence of events leading to an ending, but I always say that. Good job.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 21st, 2021, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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'That's Alcatraz' that made me laugh.

And  'Have you seen “The Wicker Man?” Unbelievable.' made me snort beer out my nose

But as other's have pointed out, this isn't framed as a mockumentary well enough to really fit the parameters.

It could be though with some tweaking, just need to make him being interviewed more obvious and the camera crew more explicitly involved.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Pleb
Posted: August 22nd, 2021, 9:09am Report to Moderator
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Good job writer!

This was an absolute breeze to read and had me chuckling a fair few times too. And whilst I predicted the guy dying at the end, I definitely didn't predict it'd be like that haha

This is my favourite one so far!

Good luck


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JEStaats
Posted: August 22nd, 2021, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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"It’s a small, nondescript, building on an equally nondescript street. Screams irrelevant." The very first line and I don't know why I had to read it three times to understand it.

Wow, jumpy. Difficult to keep straight at times for the when and where. This has the makings for a mockumentary but just didn't quite hit the mark for me. The humor here was very off color for sure. The last line was probably the best but also a "Did he/she really write that?!" Took guts.

Good work, writer.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: August 22nd, 2021, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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To me this does the job it's supposed to do in meeting the mockumentary criteria -- the interviews with Norm and Joseph, the day to day life at the station, etc.  To me, it reads like an 8 minute version of the Office or Modern Family, both mockumentaries.  Plenty of humor and off the wall stuff here, including the ending, which probably was a bit abrupt but would be typical of how the Office might end an episode.  Might have liked to seen more of Norm's home life or social life to add some depth to his character, but thought it was a pretty good effort overall. Best of luck with it.


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Warren
Posted: August 24th, 2021, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hi writer,

Yip, loved this! Had a few genuine laugh out loud moments for me.

Great writing on display as well.

Can't really fault it.

All the best.


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LC
Posted: August 24th, 2021, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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Haha, very nice!

Got a distinctive Larry David, Curb your Enthusiasm vibe (and The Office with touches of Seinfeld) here, and you pulled it off very well with the inappropriate gaffs and general ignorance that is Norm.

Loved the disingenuous 'best friend' bit, and some other very nice touches of humour and idiocy.
This was more face-palm and groan stuff for me. One big laugh would have topped it off.

Pushing it a bit that Norm in his late 30s is quite this ignorant, but it's possible.

Very enjoyable overall, and terrific character work.

OMG, the ending...

This one's in the front runners for me.
Solid effort.



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mmmarnie
Posted: August 25th, 2021, 9:51am Report to Moderator
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OMG...this was awesome. Loved the "Office" vibe. Actually pictured Steve Carrell as Norm.

LOL'd...place Sean Connery escaped from.

End punch line...holy cr@p. LOLOLOL

Writing is top notch here. The whole thing was great. Awesome job, writer!!!!


boop
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Zack
Posted: August 26th, 2021, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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This one will probably be the front-runner. Really good writing on display.

Funny to! I think you nailed the mockumentary aspect of the challenge. Definitely got some very strong "The Office" vibes.

Nothing more to add from me. Excellent work here.
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khamanna
Posted: August 26th, 2021, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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It reads like the office and it surely is funny. I got a lot of funny bits - which made me feel good about myself.

I was waiting to see why these two were interesting or necessary and what sort of story this represents.
So, it's a lot of fun and everything, but somehow I didn't get a feel of well rounded story. Which is ok, cos some shorts are not about that actually.

I also though it could be shortened. Or expanded to a pilot!
The punch was funny! Actually this was a lot of fun. Congrats
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: August 26th, 2021, 10:46pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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I just wasn't feeling this one. I noticed a few comments mentioned "The Office" and I've never seen it, so that would probably explain why the humor didn't seem to resonate with me. Not much of a comedy guy, so I'm going to chalk this one up to me missing it. It was competently written, just not my style.

I haven't let spelling and grammatical errors bother me too much in this Challenge, but you wrote a specifically-Jewish character who chides another character for not knowing what Auschwitz is, but you spelled "yarmulke" phonetically, instead of its actual spelling. It's a minor thing, but same with "Nicolas Cage". Didn't mark you down for it, obviously.


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