Beirut Vacation by tonali - Short, Drama, Suspense - The last phone call between four friends on vacation before the explosions in Beirut, Lebanon.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

The story relies on the viewer building some kind of rapport with Tonali so we care when he dies. However, this didn't happen for me. It may have been due to stumbling over some of the grammar, or lack thereof, but I was bored through a good deal of this. I only woke up at the part where one of the characters was revealed as a possible terrorist, but it wasn't enough to make the story enjoyable.

Quite a few typos in this one, worth another pass after the challenge.

Hmm, I'm not sure this meets the criteria really as there's no global or natural disaster in the script, just a jilted lover who blows up a couple of buildings.

The twist was a good idea, but the idea needs more work outside of the challenge.

This story needed a more catastrophic outcome. It was too limited to a construction site explosion caused by a broken romance and a vendetta. I think it would have been better without the romantic element attached.

I liked this story idea very much.  Others have commented on issues which need not be repeated. I focused more on whether this is Found Footage (I don't think it is the way it is) and perhaps there is a way to rethink the plot to make it so.

if I may offer an idea, it occurred to me...

What if the story begins with Tonali putting a gun to head and he kills himself ...because we learn later his suffering of accidentally killing the woman he loves is  so unbearable he can't live without her.   Laying next to him in a pool of blood is his phone. Now it can be a  FOUND FOOTAGE story because... HAPPY finds Tonali and watches the video he recorded of the conflict between the three and the catastrophe of Marissa's death with  the hundreds, maybe thousands on the beach.

I think the story idea is excellent, I didn't see the end coming until the writer wanted to jolt us with it. This well worth working on after the Challenge!

Whilst I quite liked the story, I was lost as to why Tonali was filming everything. Particularly the parts where he's on the phone - Camera in one hand, phone in the other, that was just too unpractical for me.

Always engaged with a Terrorism plot though - good effort, good luck.

A few notes as I go:

• Page 1. How do I know that there's 3 people on the line other than by you telling me there are? They should all say something or Tonali should ask if they're all on the line.
  "Happy, Marissa, Carter... you all on the line?" Something like that.
  
• Page 1. Marissa's voice throughout is heard over from the crowded place. What does this mean?
  
• Page 1. The camera shifts from the window to reveal a dusty workplace. Tonali's footsteps are heard. We already know it's a construction site from the first slugline. This is redundant. Why do we need to hear his footsteps? Just say that Tonali turns and walks toward...
  
• Page 2. The dialogue is confusing and doesn't seem to take the story anywhere.
  

I had to stop taking notes and just read it as a story because nothing was making much sense.

SPOILERS

I think Tonali and Marissa were dating and Tonali was trying to kill Carter, who is now dating Marissa.
It looks like English isn't your native language, so I'm reading everything with a grain of salt.

The last few pages are rife with errors which make it difficult to read, but ultimately I gather that Tonali set up us the bomb to kill Carter and accidentally killed... well... everyone instead.

I like the fact that you used the Beirut explosion as part of your story, but other than that I was lost and didn't really enjoy this much.
It was a lot of work to read and understand.

Thanks for the read.

-Jordan

The story needs more clarity.
There were moments where I got a bit muddled with what was happening and with whom.

Even though I lost my way with some of it, your story has a lovely style to it and a hauntingly tragic feel.

I love Big Lew's idea on how to restructure this! Work it backwards.
Take your time after the challenge to rewrite this and post it again for feedback.

Wow, this story packs a wallop.
I don't understand some of the events, but there is a definite authenticity to
the language and the locale.
I have questions galore:
Is Happy really needed in this story? He mentions Cairo, but the others are in Lebanon?
Not sure why Carter and Marissa would accept a vacation from the jilted lover?
I don't like the character Carter and want to like Tonali. But it bothers me that Tonali
is plotting a kill utilizing a bomb(s). That's a terrorist act, because of all the casualties involved.
On the other hand, explosives is an interesting choice of weaponry.

Tonali makes the argument that his photojournalism should win over Marissa.
But photojournalism is not a career that brings people together. It separates.
So, Marissa was correct in her response.
Tonali is kidding himself or somewhat deluded.
And it's true that journalists, photojournalists, often are more in pursuit of the story
or the opportunity in their free time, that it blinds them to their partner's needs.
This scene is revealing.

something to consider at this point: Tonali is finding out that Marissa is open to a
possible rekindling of their romance. Why is he asking now? His rival's demise is
already set in motion.
And if he knew Marissa might still be interested, would he have to destroy his rival?

Does Tonali's think his destructive plot will make him a hero in Marissa's eyes?
I'm trying to wrap my head around why he has no regrets about his plot.
Until he learns to Marissa and Carter's switch.

Why does Tonali believe that Marissa would go to the zoo and Carter to the beach?
the likelihood that the couple would go together is fair probability.

And what of the second bomb? What's that about?
Finally, Tonali is creating video footage - but why? For who?

So many questions, but this is a story that is so intriguing, I would be interested
in your answers. Were your story choices made from a cultural or religious mindset?
Or were they influenced by how we experience Middle Eastern warfare through the Media?
And Hollywood?

I love that line by Carter, "there are rappers in Lebanon?"
I interviewed a Lebanese orchestra conductor recently and she made a very similar
comment, expressed the same way. So spot on!

Despite the language barrier, I think your story is a worthy effort. Much luck in
reworking this tale, and I hope you'll chime in to answer some questions.

Another one that unfortunately just doesn't work for me. Bummer, because I like the idea of using a real event as the basis for your story. Lot's of typos and other mistakes throughout. This one needs another pass or two.

Still, congrats on getting something in for the challenge! That's no small feat!

Ahoy writer,

Um, it would seem you went over the page limit, but no worries-ain't gonna hold it against you. Our colleagues gave you astute advice - you can take that to the bank!!! And before someone says "You want to bet?".  I have no way to collect from you after the "Summer Quickie" is over, so don't waste your breath!!!

Maybe if you simply things, or expand on it once the dust settles. Anywaz, not bad. Best of Irish luck! -A

Hi writer,

Not entirely sure what transpired here, and I think I know what took me out… all the banter about something that had nothing to do with the story itself. On one end we have a discussion about vacations and relationships gone astray, then talk about locations such as a beach over yonder when someone should be at a zoo, ammonium nitrate, rappers, Cairo, footsteps in the stairwell., aaaaarrrrg, pulling my hair out cause I can't decipher, man.

But, I want to know, help me help you, help me… help you.

Writing is top-shelf, and you have a knack for realistic dialog/banter, just need to tone it down a bit so it’s less confusing in a short, just an opinion of course. Lest I’m the only one confused, then my bad. Best of luck.