The Consequences Of Your Actions by J. E. Hova - Short, Drama, Disaster - After leaving earth in 2022, members of the Continued Mankind Colony on Mars return 37 years later to investigate what caused the sudden disappearance of mankind on earth. Or, is it, who caused it? - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

As much as I appreciate the religious education, the story itself was overly religious for me. The sex at the end also didn't do it for me, as it seemed thrown in for the sake of nude visuals rather than anything to do with story. The lengthy dialogue passages are not just a chore to look at but to also read.

A dialogue-heavy script is usually a sign that it's an early draft. Perhaps time got the better of you here.

Don't reveal yourself on your scripts thread just yet! Remember, this is an anonymous challenge!

This story is a religious parable in leu of criteria clues. I could not figure out who had the found footage, if anybody. Also it might work better just with the religious parable of the earth being destroyed by fire. You seemed to want to create characters tongue in cheek dialogue who treat sex between Adam and Eve as friends with benefits, rather than the global catastrophe it portends.
Next time try and lean your dialogue down and let us see how the characters function.
This was an interesting concept that you might consider writing as a short story.

I believe the cheeky lines was supposed to make it comedy? Apart from the load of dialogue it's a really good script which can be continued some time in the future, good idea.

This is a little dense to read and in places is more like prose than a script.

But I did like the initial set up, what is going on at the Vatican? Drew me in.

But I think that God's dialogue is over used and you don;t really need such extensive use of bible quote to make your point.

It's fairly obvious who the two are, though their actions seem unplausible given they've just found out billions of people have died, though some of the description and dialogue in this second hald did make me chuckl.

God's end line also made me smile

Well, interesting little tale here.

I thought a lot of your writing had some strong descriptions to it. Maybe a little wordy at times. A creative but rather nuts plot - But I did like it overall.

Surprised you didn't fix the Translator's opening dialogue, it's formatted as action and it's glaring.

This is not found footage in the sense that I think it's supped to be - here, your CSC couple stumble across found footage. For example, Sinister is not a found footage horror but the found footage that Ethan Hawke finds drives the movie, which is what kinda happens in yours.

Anyway, I think you worked hard on this one and it's entertaining in parts - good luck.

It started weird and then got weirder.

I couldn't tell if this was supposed to be serious or funny.
I'm leaning toward funny, but it just wasn't for me.

Thanks for the read.

-Jordan

This was really ambitious and imaginative so kudos to you. I loved your premise!
What followed was not exactly what I imagined I'd get though, considering this was labelled Drama/Disaster and the fact this ended up being more in the comedic vein of Airplane meets Life of Brian meets Bruce Almighty rather than Armageddon.

I think you should re-label this as a Comedy/Parody and I think considering the moments where you really warmed up and made the choice to really go over the top (God's dialogue, for example), Adam, Eve, and the use of vernacular thrown in, (including Bro') I'm tempted to suggest more silly stuff from the get-go. The Pope falling over for example, I'm just not convinced his bloodied-head hit the mark tonally. It could of course work depending on the talent of your actors with physical comedy but I think the comedic aspects needed to be set up more at the top.

I think the tone confused people.
Lots of good stuff here, just not consistent enough yet.

Techy stuff, typos etc.
If you're interested: it should be lie motionless, not lay. Bugbear of mine, ask anyone.  

Alter should be Altar. Big difference. No one has commented on that. And they call themselves writers.
And coming from Australia - Sidney? That's sacrilege right there.

Teeny bit light on the FF, but a lot of these are, or used blends of conventional story-telling with it.
An original and memorable entry for sure.

My initial reaction was to condemn this for being too religious, too preachy or wordy
and just a slow slog to get through.
But I gave the story a second read and now like it a fair bit. I see this story as a socio-political
commentary, intertwined with ignored (or antiquated) religious ideas.

There are some notable comedic scenes. I'm on the fence about how much of the humor is
organic to the story and how much is done for visual effects.
In my quick-scan reading style, I thought the intro of Pope Peter read Pops Peter XIV.
Like wow, now we're calling the Pope "Pops."
And when the pope took a spill and smashed his forehead, I immediately saw the
nuns running about in confusion on how to stop the bleeding.
Then my goofy imagination saw a second wave of nuns come running with
bags of tampons, fastening pads to the Pope's head with chewing gum and twine.
All this while the Pope never misses a beat.
Enough of that...

I think the message here is that most of present-day man is doomed.
We've given our faith and our worship to false idols. There is chaos in the streets, we are
fighting our neighbors, our families, just as fiercely as our enemies.
I see the Man and Woman of this story as our modern day/futuristic Adam and Eve, who
were sent back to earth to gather information about man's demise to be shared with
the New World colony of Mars.
Just like Adam and Eve in the Garden, there were temptations. In this story beautiful art and
fine wine. Man and Woman were already thinking of this mission as a Roman Holiday. The
difference between the new A&E is that they were flawed - products of old earth sinners
who were subsequently destroyed.
When Woman removes her head gear, the conversation starts off with how it "messes" with her
hair and that she "never looked good in hats."
That's more of the YouTube/TikTok crowd they were spawned from.
The way God vanquished with these two in the end was more than fitting.
They were nothing more than video game characters.

I didn't like that God lowed his standards, his language. Don't think that's necessary.

But the rest of it worked okay for me. I do question the tone a bit, but I can see the humor
being a reflection of how we view things - such as the Pope, as a feeble leader who "needs"
replacement more than respect.

Anyway, your story has some issues but I applaud your ambition and willingness to take a chance
on a non-traditional story theme for this OWC. Good job.

This one didn't do it for me, sorry to say. A six page script should never drag. The writing itself is fine, a little messy in spots, but nothing awful. It's just so dense. Feels like a twelve page script smashed into six pages. Made it a slog to get through.

Good effort!

Ahoy writer,

Phew! Last but not least.

Hmm... can't argue with what you're being told so far -- I thought it read ok, a bit clunky . Luv the ending, the dialogue coming from God threw me for a loop - wasn't too keen on it. But my bigger gripe is this - I was a little uncertain of the tone. I like the idea to, but methinks it needs a re-write.  Um, Libby made a great suggestion. Not bad overall though. Best of Irish luck! -A

Hi writer,

Oh, man, quite the tale. It was like a novel in its own rite. If you cooked this up within a few days for the OWC then kudos.

That being said, I did notice  myself skimming big time around the messianic narrative, but I get the gist of where you were taking us.

Sex scene was weird to get through, didn’t see that coming, but a little humour to tie it all up seemed to work in this case. Best of luck.