Target Thy Enemy by Orson Wells - Short, Horror - At the outbreak of a global invasion, two soldiers on reconnaissance engage with a chilling new enemy. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

It's an OK story and will work with a low budget.

One line is OTN and made me groan. "I am the enemy." I also didn't like the exposition at the start but I appreciate it's hard to find alternatives when up against the clock.

Decdent tale, few typos here and there but nothing a re-read wouldn't pick up.

Obviously it's relatively familiar territory and you nod to that with the Midwich reference.

I struggled a little bit with the idea that they'd been wandering around for 6 days, and the idea they'd been separated from their squad might be worth more than a passing aside.

Can't decide if I like the iPad glitch reveal, not sure it's needed at that point but would work visually.

Good effort.

I didn't have a problem with the military aspects of the story. There is certainly enough evidence of small detached units being separated from the main units for days at a time. I suspect the the line about 'I am the enemy' was to reinforce the 'Invasion Of The Body Snatchers' concept about aliens taking over the human body lock, stock, and barrel.
But a good effort nevertheless.  

At first I thought a little bit of foreshadowing at the start would've worked to increase the suspense but it turned out good because I kinda expected it to be a typical military rescue mission.

Quoted from RolandJ I suspect the the line about 'I am the enemy' was to reinforce the 'Invasion Of The Body Snatchers' concept about aliens taking over the human body lock, stock, and barrel.

I did get that. It's just OTN and unnecessary.

I was certainly engaged when reading this one and liked the writing. A breeze to read with crisp descriptions in your action. Good job.

However, it did seem to move from a blistering hot day to night time very quickly, in the space of the two iPad clips - maybe I missed a passage of time moving on in the writing. Also, Loopesko disappearing without Fonsback noticing was difficult to believe.

That said, I enjoyed it. Think I got the twist - Good entry, good luck.  

A few notes as I go:

• Page 1. A captain and a private wouldn't both have XM250 light machine guns.
  
• Page 2. The captain also has a sniper rifle? This seems odd.
  

There was too much confusion over where the camera was or if there was 1 camera or 2.

The dialogue got weird and it wasn't believable.
I wish they would have made it to the church.

This one started off well but devolved into an odd monster movie that didn't make much sense.

Thanks for the read.

-Jordan

Impressively written descriptions and I loved the vibe you evoked, especially with your opening.

Great touch with the bucket of blood.

Bullets don’t both Loopesko. ?

I must be a bit daft but I don't get what the INVADERS look like.
They mimic, okay, but their changed state still needs some additional description.

Why wouldn't the Invaders set booby traps?

I’m  here  with  about  20  of  my church  parishioners.
Should be 'twenty'.

SCREEMING typo.

I  can’t  move.  Oh  god.  
It’s inside of me...  eating me... help me!
Too much 'telling' here. Seeing what's happening will be way more impacting. Give us Fonsback's POV there.

Not exactly found footage all the way through.
But, despite my quibbles, great atmosphere, a few tweaks and this'll be great.

I like this writer’s style very much:  clean, clear, great attention to detail and very engaging.
  
I may have missed something, but I didn’t understand Fonsback’s “all of God’s creatures” concern about the bug because it didn’t seem to be a part of his hard boiled old timer toughness, nor does it foreshadow a decision he is going to make in the future.

I’m not sure why the soldiers are documenting their surveillance with a GoPro (or two) because to me that’s not part of the Found Footage.  The device they discover in the well in the bucket of blood is what reveals what disaster happened and informs the dire situation they are now in. For me, that’s the FF.

Loved the “booby trap” debate and is a great touch to define the old soldier/new soldier perspectives.

Also enjoyed the visual story telling of poor Fonsback literally running out of gas in his futile attempt to escape.

For me, the conclusion of the story was sort of obvious, shades of The Invasion Of The Body Snatchers.  

A tweak here, a tweak there, you got a good one!

Ahoy writer,

I thought this was pretty good. Very visual. I thought that the characters were real and that you had control of them. You avoided the most common fault in screenwriting that I see, which is to put two characters out there who carry on a meaningless dialogue.

My thoughts are similar to MY wingman, especially this here:

Quoted Text I  can’t  move.  Oh  god.   It’s inside of me...  eating me... help me! Too much 'telling' here. Seeing what's happening will be way more impacting.

I like the vibe between the Loopesko and Fonsback -- it makes me feel you know who they are. Um, probably a writer from the UK.

To use a sucky analogy, it's like you have the ability to design and sew a great looking dress then distract from it by adding some clunky jewelry to please the small percentage of people who like that kind of jewelry.

The clunky jewelry: Yup, concur, the found footage doesn't really start until the discovery of the IPAD. So was the GoPro needed? Then I get to thinking - would I still feel the same way, if say, a third character was in the  mix - a news reporter embedded with them doing the filming instead. I dunno. Maybe I'm reading too much into it.

Nevertheless I enjoyed it. Best of Irish luck! -A

I've got mixed feelings here. I really like the concept. The writing is mostly top-notch. Dialog is hit and miss. Really cool ending, works well after the creepy setup.

My problems are with the found-footage aspect. I was very confused about who was filming at the start, though it became more clear as the script went along.

Strong effort here. Just needs another pass.

A good monster movie is like dessert; I'll always make room.
This entry, well, it's like creating a Frankenstein Monster via YouTube.
Some of the parts work and some of them don't.

The start and the first few pages are best. Soldiers on a mission to find
whatever is lurking out there after an alien invasion. Good atmosphere and
decent dialogue.

For the love of Movies, add (at least) a third soldier. Really. Two soldiers, one a superior and
the other a pseudo-recruit is more comedy than thriller. It's like the Skipper
and Gilligan, or Sheriff Taylor and Barney Fife.

Make it clear from the get-go that their destination is the church.
The forest action doesn't work, as is. I like the found iPad, but the camera
documenting by the soldiers can be chucked. Maybe found footage isn't needed.

Maybe they are in radio contact, but with spotty communication. They would get updated
information, but not on a consistent basis.

I think this has a real chance if you just make the church the destination and that's
where the soldiers end up — meeting their fate, whatever that might be.
Think TZ and may the force be with you.

Hey writer,

Really good effort here. I enjoyed it and really liked the concept. The writing was nice and clear, and although I’d like to have seen a bit more of it I understand the limitations you had to work with.

One suggestion I’d make is changing the name, as what it’s called now sounds like something set way back in the past.

Other than that, good stuff

Hi writer,

Somewhat of an Invasion of the Body Snatchers thing going on, all good, and sorry if already stated. I’m not entirely sure the Pastor and iPad are required, kind of throws a monkey wrench into the logistics of the story IMO, lots to show and coordinate with the other camera's POV happening in real time.

At first, I thought they were Guerrillas or AWOL Militia, etc. being that he’s sporting a rat-tail mullet under his helmet as opposed to a standard crew cut. Lest his hair is just rat-tail colored, or… not sure it matters.

Curious why the well was full of blood too, maybe the iPad scenario could be nixed and go a little deeper into the War of the Worlds blood creeping scenario to make it a truly horrific event should these things take you over, all just opinion of course.

Writing’s good and flowed well, kept me engaged. Honestly the whole found-footage thing is not really my bag, but the way it’s scripted here had an IRL cut to it. Best of luck.