All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
A clever filmmaker could easily make adjustments to suit the narrative... Or just film in any Mall in lockdown at the moment - Melbourne comes to mind.
Nice dialogue, great characters a real feel good story. Rom-coms are not my cup of tea but my wife loves them and this seems like a Hallmark movie, a bit too sugary and sweet for me but an otherwise great story.
Well done.
If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
OK, so I just read this one straight through, and decided to go back and comment right after.
I like the setup, the characters, and the dialogue. All pretty much top shelf stuff, here.
As for the dialogue, there are some lines of dialogue that stand out as OTN, or just not that great. Also, there are some lines that Hannah says that seem much more like what a guy would say...or think, but again, there are definitely chicks out there that may speak/think like that, so for the most part, it's all good by me.
I don't think these 2 really seem to have much in common, but hey, opposites attract sometimes, right?
My biggest issue is with the setting, as to me, this in no way is a 1 setting, 2 talking heads script. I actually wet back and rad the comments and see several peeps saying the same thing, then Libby saying it's all good, based on how she set this up, but I don't agree. I don't like when peeps purposely alter the parameters to meet their script, and here, this is what I see.
You have 2 Slugs only, and if you look at them, you'll see issues - serious filming issues. First of all, if your 2nd Slug is correct, using "2nd FLOOR", then you'd want your opening Slug to have "1st FLOOR" in it. But, the reality is that you'd need a new Slug each time they leave/enter a new department - IMO.
This is good for sure, and I think I know this writer, because I've seen similar banter before.
If I were voting, I couldn't vote this as the winner, as it just didn't follow the guidelines.
OK, so I just read this one straight through, and decided to go back and comment right after.
I like the setup, the characters, and the dialogue. All pretty much top shelf stuff, here.
As for the dialogue, there are some lines of dialogue that stand out as OTN, or just not that great. Also, there are some lines that Hannah says that seem much more like what a guy would say...or think, but again, there are definitely chicks out there that may speak/think like that, so for the most part, it's all good by me.
I don't think these 2 really seem to have much in common, but hey, opposites attract sometimes, right?
My biggest issue is with the setting, as to me, this in no way is a 1 setting, 2 talking heads script. I actually wet back and rad the comments and see several peeps saying the same thing, then Libby saying it's all good, based on how she set this up, but I don't agree. I don't like when peeps purposely alter the parameters to meet their script, and here, this is what I see.
You have 2 Slugs only, and if you look at them, you'll see issues - serious filming issues. First of all, if your 2nd Slug is correct, using "2nd FLOOR", then you'd want your opening Slug to have "1st FLOOR" in it. But, the reality is that you'd need a new Slug each time they leave/enter a new department - IMO.
This is good for sure, and I think I know this writer, because I've seen similar banter before.
If I were voting, I couldn't vote this as the winner, as it just didn't follow the guidelines.
Nice effort though, any way you look at it.
I think you're wrong here. Perhaps it's because you didn't have a chance to read through the Q and As on the parameters.
It was clearly discussed that one location did not limit anyone to a single room. For example, Marnie asked:
Quoted Text
Ok...so if it's in a house, they can use several rooms because house is the location. If it's in a movie theater, they can be in the lobby, in line for popcorn, and then inside theater?
Libby responded:
Quoted Text
Yep, I'd pass that. As long as they're not in an Uber parked outside the movie theatre.
So you could set a story in a movie theater - and have them go to the restroom, candy counter, etc. I was thinking of having one in a prison that had some of it in a cell, some of it in the corridor - viewing the main location is the prison.
The single location here is a MALL - rooms in a mall are stores.
I think you're wrong here. Perhaps it's because you didn't have a chance to read through the Q and As on the parameters.
It was clearly discussed that one location did not limit anyone to a single room. For example, Marnie asked:
Libby responded:
So you could set a story in a movie theater - and have them go to the restroom, candy counter, etc. I was thinking of having one in a prison that had some of it in a cell, some of it in the corridor - viewing the main location is the prison.
The single location here is a MALL - rooms in a mall are stores.
No, I understand completely, Dave. And you're correct, based on how Libby replied to questions, this should be fine, but my point is that Libby's original intent was not to have something grow into an almost infinite number of locations...like...
A Museum...
A Skyscraper...
An underground bunker, built to hold thousands of inhabitants...
A nice short, and very well written in terms of dialog and characterizations.
the best thing is that you touched on present time, picking up dates through online dating services and such - I really like that touch. And the guy (I read it a while ago and already forgot names) seems like being tired of going through other choices. He liked her and that's that - I liked that.
The only thing - he sounds aged. She sounds young and he's is his 40s. That's a def for me.
Thanks for the reviews. Didn't mean to be controversial. I asked a specific location question before writing this piece. Figured a department store fit the parameters since it's basically one, big open space...no walls between departments. Everything just flows together. Didn't see it being any different than a house with stairs, except sub escalator for stairs. In fact, a house has rooms with walls...a dept store is wide open. Thanks Dave and Libby for the support.
And yes, Jeff...some of us chicks actually talk like that.
Thanks for the reviews. Didn't mean to be controversial. I asked a specific location question before writing this piece. Figured a department store fit the parameters since it's basically one, big open space...no walls between departments. Everything just flows together. Didn't see it being any different than a house with stairs, except sub escalator for stairs. In fact, a house has rooms with walls...a dept store is wide open. Thanks Dave and Libby for the support.
And yes, Jeff...some of us chicks actually talk like that.
My pleasure - I thought it was a really good script BTW. Nice work.
Pages: 
Author
You Can't Force Love - OWC
Logged
Locked Board