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This is really good. The banter between Hannah and Stewart is authentic and entertaining. I especially liked the bit about old farts being buried in the seats of a used car. I liked the character building, especially Hannah being afraid of escalators. You wouldn't think a girl like that is afraid of anything. Then the spontaneous move at the end. Really dug it.
Only downfall is this is NOT low budget. You could crash a car into a house for less than renting out a mall for a shoot. But, it's a great entry. This one will be a front runner.
The exchange between Stewart and Hannah was written with a lot of finesse. It's really easy to turn a conversation like this into something sappy or unbelievable, but it really rolled well. In particular, the section with the shirt logos was especially noteworthy.
Digging this so far. Like the characters and the banter.
This:
Quoted Text
STEWART That was your call, Hannah. You’re the one who said I was too stiff, not spontaneous. Said I wasn’t the one for you and we’re better off as friends.
Was really on the nose – it needs to go. I almost think the thought would work better as a VO in his head.
I had the same issue here:
Quoted Text
STEWART There’s a lot you don’t know about me. By only allowing me one date then talking on the phone for a few weeks, you’ve barely scratched the surface.
Basically, you are rolling along and I am digging the banter and then every once in a while this exposition drops – need to find a better way to get it in there. Hope that makes sense.
Murder she Wrote is a really dated reference – I’d look for something a little more current.
This rang more like a you are the one for me theme – but okay…..
Talent here – I like the characters – clean up the places where the dialogue is exposition laden and you’re home, IMO. Enjoyed it.
Not sure if this meets the criteria. The characters walk through multiple departments, use an elevator, an escalator and go to a different floor. There would be loads of extras required and even though only the red head speaks, this is hardly a low budget one location chat between two characters.
However, that aside, the dialogue was very natural and sweet. Definitely a romcom and a nice ending. The only time I think it needed a tweak was when it sounded like exposition for the audience. Whenever one character says, remember? to another, it sounds unnatural. This only happens a few times and Dave has already pointed some out.
Good job!
-Mark
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Not sure on some of the criteria here, but I liked the story and the characters.
It is sweet and cute, and the banter was good... my only real issue was that I couldn't quite picture how they'd ever got close in the first place... minor quibble though.
Well, I'll be... An honest to goodness RomCom. Yay! And, you pulled it off darned well too.
There’s a lot you don’t know about me. By only allowing me one date then talking on the phone for a few weeks, you’ve barely scratched the surface.
Just noticed Ant's comment, and if this is what he was wondering...This is how they know each other pretty well, over the phone. Maybe make it over the Internet - Skype or Zoom chats? I think that might modernise it a bit. Thing is how can you get info across - exposition (they already know it) to the audience and make it sound more casual?
Take out 'by allowing me'. It really sounds like she didn't like him at all. No more (soup) dates for you.
I'd go with one of these: Ah, you've really only scratched the surface Or: There's a lot you don't know about me. Not both.
Suggest something like: Zoom and one proper date don't even scratch the surface, you know... Is that so? Yeah. There's more to me than just tea and Dockers. You got 'em in every color, I bet. Or: But you got 'em in every color, am I right? Maybe... I knew it!
...help with my fashion dilemma?
You’re like a real time Abercrombie and Fitch ad. Suggestion: You're like a walking Abercrombie and Fitch ad.
I dunno, I'm nit-picking for sure. I'd just edit out some of the unnecessary words to up the rhythm more.
I think this was great. Definitely pick-upable/filmable as is.
The big location (it is only one location so you didn't break any parameters there) might be a budget/opportunity problem but maybe settle for a strip mall and film the escalator/elevator sections separately.
Loved the acerbic wit of the Estee Lauder girl - brakes up any threat of too much saccharin. Her lines were unexpected, so great job there.
I was thinking get rid of Angela Lansbury too, but it's so quirky it might work.
For the most part the dialogue is breezy and accomplished. Maybe just give it another go around to make it even a bit more casual and off the cuff sounding. Brevity with some of the banter, so it flies back and forth.
Great job. Thoroughly enjoyable. Thank you for submitting a RomCom!!
P.S. True story: A Guy actually asked me to come shopping with him once to help him update his daggy clothes.
Aside from the fact that this script totally blows up the “one-location” criteria, this story works really well. I liked the banter because it seemed natural and gave us a lot of information about the characters in an interesting way. Of course, in the end, the premise was upended: Stewart might, after all, be the one for Hannah.
Lines about farts on car seat worked for me. I also liked the line about Dockers being soft at the end.
Nice dialogue overall. Some of it included a tad too much background info. The guy said he had all colors of Dockers. On one hand it is reasonably funny, but on the other hand it feels a little forced. They seem to know each other pretty well, so he wouldn't necessarily declare the color spectrum of his pants. They might have a code or shorthand between them that could cut through some of this.
Funny. Worthy. Hard not to like the ride up the escalator at the end.
Really good dialogue, it felt natural. The writer could have fallen into the "on the nose" trap with Hannah, but they didn't. The fart line was great, the escalator bit was very cute.
The whole story is about how they're not meant for each other, and it culminates with a: "Let's try it out." Perfect. It works for me as being one location, but I guess it could have been changed? The escalator thing is too cute, though.
Dang it, I really didn't want to like this but I did. A couple of clunky pieces of dialogue but all in all, pretty darn good. Too bad it fails for one location since they went to a couple different departments. KIDDING!
Saw several related to this failing the one location parameters. I really disagree there. Libby stated in the Q and A that it could be multiple rooms in one location. I viewed the mall is the location and the different stores just akin to different rooms - my take anyway.
A clever filmmaker could easily make adjustments to suit the narrative... Or just film in any Mall in lockdown at the moment - Melbourne comes to mind.
Nice dialogue, great characters a real feel good story. Rom-coms are not my cup of tea but my wife loves them and this seems like a Hallmark movie, a bit too sugary and sweet for me but an otherwise great story.
Well done.
If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
OK, so I just read this one straight through, and decided to go back and comment right after.
I like the setup, the characters, and the dialogue. All pretty much top shelf stuff, here.
As for the dialogue, there are some lines of dialogue that stand out as OTN, or just not that great. Also, there are some lines that Hannah says that seem much more like what a guy would say...or think, but again, there are definitely chicks out there that may speak/think like that, so for the most part, it's all good by me.
I don't think these 2 really seem to have much in common, but hey, opposites attract sometimes, right?
My biggest issue is with the setting, as to me, this in no way is a 1 setting, 2 talking heads script. I actually wet back and rad the comments and see several peeps saying the same thing, then Libby saying it's all good, based on how she set this up, but I don't agree. I don't like when peeps purposely alter the parameters to meet their script, and here, this is what I see.
You have 2 Slugs only, and if you look at them, you'll see issues - serious filming issues. First of all, if your 2nd Slug is correct, using "2nd FLOOR", then you'd want your opening Slug to have "1st FLOOR" in it. But, the reality is that you'd need a new Slug each time they leave/enter a new department - IMO.
This is good for sure, and I think I know this writer, because I've seen similar banter before.
If I were voting, I couldn't vote this as the winner, as it just didn't follow the guidelines.
OK, so I just read this one straight through, and decided to go back and comment right after.
I like the setup, the characters, and the dialogue. All pretty much top shelf stuff, here.
As for the dialogue, there are some lines of dialogue that stand out as OTN, or just not that great. Also, there are some lines that Hannah says that seem much more like what a guy would say...or think, but again, there are definitely chicks out there that may speak/think like that, so for the most part, it's all good by me.
I don't think these 2 really seem to have much in common, but hey, opposites attract sometimes, right?
My biggest issue is with the setting, as to me, this in no way is a 1 setting, 2 talking heads script. I actually wet back and rad the comments and see several peeps saying the same thing, then Libby saying it's all good, based on how she set this up, but I don't agree. I don't like when peeps purposely alter the parameters to meet their script, and here, this is what I see.
You have 2 Slugs only, and if you look at them, you'll see issues - serious filming issues. First of all, if your 2nd Slug is correct, using "2nd FLOOR", then you'd want your opening Slug to have "1st FLOOR" in it. But, the reality is that you'd need a new Slug each time they leave/enter a new department - IMO.
This is good for sure, and I think I know this writer, because I've seen similar banter before.
If I were voting, I couldn't vote this as the winner, as it just didn't follow the guidelines.
Nice effort though, any way you look at it.
I think you're wrong here. Perhaps it's because you didn't have a chance to read through the Q and As on the parameters.
It was clearly discussed that one location did not limit anyone to a single room. For example, Marnie asked:
Quoted Text
Ok...so if it's in a house, they can use several rooms because house is the location. If it's in a movie theater, they can be in the lobby, in line for popcorn, and then inside theater?
Libby responded:
Quoted Text
Yep, I'd pass that. As long as they're not in an Uber parked outside the movie theatre.
So you could set a story in a movie theater - and have them go to the restroom, candy counter, etc. I was thinking of having one in a prison that had some of it in a cell, some of it in the corridor - viewing the main location is the prison.
The single location here is a MALL - rooms in a mall are stores.
I think you're wrong here. Perhaps it's because you didn't have a chance to read through the Q and As on the parameters.
It was clearly discussed that one location did not limit anyone to a single room. For example, Marnie asked:
Libby responded:
So you could set a story in a movie theater - and have them go to the restroom, candy counter, etc. I was thinking of having one in a prison that had some of it in a cell, some of it in the corridor - viewing the main location is the prison.
The single location here is a MALL - rooms in a mall are stores.
No, I understand completely, Dave. And you're correct, based on how Libby replied to questions, this should be fine, but my point is that Libby's original intent was not to have something grow into an almost infinite number of locations...like...
A Museum...
A Skyscraper...
An underground bunker, built to hold thousands of inhabitants...
A nice short, and very well written in terms of dialog and characterizations.
the best thing is that you touched on present time, picking up dates through online dating services and such - I really like that touch. And the guy (I read it a while ago and already forgot names) seems like being tired of going through other choices. He liked her and that's that - I liked that.
The only thing - he sounds aged. She sounds young and he's is his 40s. That's a def for me.
Thanks for the reviews. Didn't mean to be controversial. I asked a specific location question before writing this piece. Figured a department store fit the parameters since it's basically one, big open space...no walls between departments. Everything just flows together. Didn't see it being any different than a house with stairs, except sub escalator for stairs. In fact, a house has rooms with walls...a dept store is wide open. Thanks Dave and Libby for the support.
And yes, Jeff...some of us chicks actually talk like that.
Thanks for the reviews. Didn't mean to be controversial. I asked a specific location question before writing this piece. Figured a department store fit the parameters since it's basically one, big open space...no walls between departments. Everything just flows together. Didn't see it being any different than a house with stairs, except sub escalator for stairs. In fact, a house has rooms with walls...a dept store is wide open. Thanks Dave and Libby for the support.
And yes, Jeff...some of us chicks actually talk like that.
My pleasure - I thought it was a really good script BTW. Nice work.
Biggest problem is there�s no narrative momentum. You have to have a want/get/cost in your story.
The character wants something.
He gets it.
But he pays a price for getting it.
All it is just talking talking talking. And Also this was quite predictable I knew they were going to fall in love from the beginning.
Kb769, here's some free advice (seeing as I've noticed you're back giving your predominantly humdrum feedback. You remind me of whiny Ross in Friends... Then again, he was funny.
This is a RomCom. As such dialogue features heavily as it's invariably part of the formula. Read some Woody Allen, Diablo Cody, Nora Ephron - it's all in the dialogue, and contrary to what you're saying this is what drives the momentum.
Predictable you say?
If this wasn't a RomCom the character might fall down the escalator and break her neck, but it is a RomCom, and as such a happy ending is almost guaranteed - or at the very least a crowd pleasing denouement is a given.
Speaking of crowd-pleasers this indeed was one. To the tune of third place in the OWC. All anonymous voters too.
So, in closing - a grain of salt comes to mind. And getting with the program (as I've kindly suggested to you in the past) to give feedback in a constructive and fair-minded manner, lest you look like a Scrooge.
Anyway, that said - There's an OWC (one week challenge) just announced. (see below) I challenge you to show us how it's done.
Lc. Go study Tyler Mowery he will show how it�s done. I tell it like it is and I follow his formula. I’m not as nice as others when it comes to criticism I tell it like it is and it’s not like I was cussing him out or anything I was pointing to major problems he had with his script.
#1. A story has to have narrative momentum. Look up harmon�s story circle.
#2. Page 3 of a short we should really be moving and getting into the thick of the story. Instead it�s just more talking..
#3. What cost did the main character pay for getting what he wanted? Absolutely nothing. He found love but it didn�t come at a cost. That�s boring!!
The answer to your question re what price the character pays in this one:
In all likelihood, a mortgage & three kids.
Boom! Love this reply. You nailed it!
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