Caller Unknown by Anonymous - Short, Drama - An emergency call center attendant attempts to talk a young woman off the ledge as she asks him increasingly personal questions.

Prompt: Woman on a ledge. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Ahh, well. hmm. kind of liked it, but it was predictable. Not sure how call centers work so I will not address that. That aside, I knew where you were going with this but I shall keep it close to my petticoat as to not reveal any spoilers. I  thought the dialogue was just okay.

Good Job on entering. Good Luck with it. -A

Can't say I really understood this one. I'm guessing Adam killed Kate and her ghost is calling to haunt him? The way it's structured it's hard to follow. I didn't know if he just erased Kate's address at the beginning or if it was another victim's address he was getting ready to go kill. Either way I think it meets the requirements just lacks a bit of clarity. If you could make it easier for the reader to understand I think this could be a solid short, easy to film.

James

Alright.

I was really enjoying this until the elevator sequence began(obviously the end). All the rush just got flushed down when the ending happened. It was not satisfying and kinda meh.

Overall, sorry but it could have been much better.  

I’m not quite sure I understand what is happening in the opening with Adam deleting the computer entry and writing the address on the piece of paper – we’ll see where this goes. OKAY – read to the end and it still doesn’t make sense to me.

The call also seems a bit unnatural – it ends too soon without getting the info one thinks would be required – it’s all too fast.

I kind of like the premise – but not quite sure what Adam’s crime was.

Hmm, so more than one location here, but only at the end, so I'll let it slide.

So Adam raped her, child is his and the call sets up his admission?

If I'm right, and not sure I am, then I think this could be made clearer.

But it's hard for this not to come across as a little predictable with the setup as it is,.

What a twist at the end! Great dialog in this as well.

Good dialogue and good characterization. I think the reader gets a pretty good understanding of Adam and the caller on the other line.

During the first phone call, it could have been a bit more colorful if Adam described the situation on the other end of the line.

Spoilers Ahead
If I understand the conflict correctly, Adam is a serial rapist/murderer taking advantage of people in distress who are calling 911.
It's unclear to me, however, if the "Kate call" is a sting operation, a ghost, or his conscience.
If it's a sting, the arrest makes sense. The "jump" and rushing wind don't make sense. Theatrical for police?
If it's a ghost, the "jump" and rushing wind make sense. The arrest doesn't make sense. Why would they arrest, was it a coincidence?
If it's his conscience, the concept of him imagining this call makes sense. The arrest happens too quickly to make sense. Was there another character listening in?

I think the writer could easily edit this for clarity. Instead of the arrest, it could be a supervisor listening in on the call who confronts Adam, Adam could realize that there isn't a call on the other line, etc.
My confusion could just be personal preference.

In general, good stuff. I'd like to see where the writer takes this if they chose to edit.

Requirements met and I do like this a lot. I got straight away what was going on. Some things that need work.

Kate would not be able to get an emergency call to one particular agent out of the hundreds who take calls each night. How can you address this? Maybe a sting operation or Kate could be working as an emergency responder to hunt down the man who raped her and she's the one in the elevator perhaps?

Adam has no idea if this woman is really on a ledge about to take her life or not. Is there someway you can get across to Adam that this is real?

This will make an excellent, cheap short film. Just needs work. Great job.

-Mark

Interesting concept. The type of villain Adam is would be very suitable to a feature thriller on a similar topic. Very creepy, actually. Though, of course, it also proposes all kinds of other questions that the short didn't have time to answer, most notably: why is he fishing for victims at his job as a 911 operator? And how does he not get busted for this? It almost seems like a paradox that he would take a 911 call about one emergency, then go assault the victim, then...does the victim not call 911 again? Like, how would that work? Just thoughts I had after reading this.

The dialogue, ehhhh. It was clunky for me. It just didn't feel very smooth.

Like I said, I think the concept is very interesting and I see what you were going for. I'd keep that idea in your back pocket and flesh it out for something bigger.

Greg

Well obviously the cops are in on this sting cause otherwise there wouldn't be one waiting to nab Adam outside the elevator, so the call going straight to him didn't ruin the logic for me. It's a setup. But, outside of the challenge restraints I think there needs to be more than one cop for credibility if you leave the story as is.

Just admit what you did... admit it or I’m going over the edge.
I think she needs to articulate the word 'rape' at some point, otherwise him admitting just that I did it - did what exactly? Not sure that would hold up in court.  I think he needs to be pushed more to a precise confession.

Maybe another element needs to come into play too cause if it's a choice of her jumping or him going to jail he might not mind if she just did herself in. The thing is she's never going to throw herself off the building anyway but he doesn't know this. It also presumes this psychopath has a conscience. Right: Monster but not murderer, but if push came to shove - no pun intended...

I think the dialogue is pretty darned good. I think your choice to downplay the tone throughout doesn't work entirely. Yes, start off with her calm but then she needs to sound more desperate. Likewise, he needs to sound more scared and threatened as the call progresses.

ADAM How would the father feel about all of this?
KATE (V.O.) No idea, he’s not really in the picture.

Suggestion: KATE:  I don't know... You tell me. How would you feel?

As traumatic as the events that took place all those months ago were, the things that really stuck with me were how you made my bed after -

There's just too much preamble in that for me.  I'd delete 'as traumatic as the events were' - have her go straight to something like: the thing that struck me was how gentle you were afterwards. You made my bed, then combed my hair etc...

ADAM Look, I’m sorry things are bad for you, but I think you've mistaken me for someone else.
Cut out the preamble again:  If I was hanging off a building and someone said: I'm sorry things are bad for you? He should surely just be cold and definite at this point - You're mistaking me for someone else. Or back pedal - (especially if someone was watching/overhearing the call) - see below suggestion. **

More of this type of mounting tension:

KATE (V.O.) Wrong answer --

KATE Hang up now, I'll jump!

** I think a third variable of a different kind might serve the story better.Maybe your third variable could be a supervisor hanging over his shoulder after sensing the gravity of the call. That would definitely add another level of threat and tension, cause he can't confess with he or she standing there.

You've got a terrific, very filmable short here. Wouldn't be at all surprised if this one gets picked up following a few tweaks to dialogue. I just think you need to raise the stakes, and elevate the tension in dialogue for both of them.

Reminiscent in a different kind of way to The Guilty for me.

https://www.google.com/search?.....-mobile&ie=UTF-8

Dialogue tweaks, yep, but this story deserves more love for its great potential imho.

I did enjoy this one obviously you have a few loopholes based on the parameters of the challenge.
Keeping it one scene we cant really tell if it was a set up or she was on the ledge.
Also calling 911 Adam isn't the only one working but for storytelling I'll let it go.  

I thought you had a great concept but with a little more exposition I wouldn't have to guess what exactly Adam did.
I liked the subtle touches of folding napkins to making the bed, gave a little insight into his character.

Good job on entering and another draft you could make this a nice short film

Interesting story. Kate’s dialogue led me to believe she was in bad shape and serious about killing herself. Adam’s dialogue went pretty much by the book, and he never revealed why he did what he did. One other thing I would have liked cleared up: what exactly did Adam do when he got to the victim’s homes? Did he pass himself off as a cop? I think Kate could drop in this information before she brings up the bit about the hospital corners.

With a few tweaks and edits, this would be pretty fantastic. It reads as an early work in progress but definitely needs revisiting. I'm suspecting rape, not murder? Maybe even just a one night stand but then why an arrest? A ghost call would just be too hokey and wouldn't make sense for the arrest.

Anywho, good job, writer.

The concept of an emergency dispatcher who conceals calls is wonderfully diabolical.

My favorite line is "Gravity wants it to happen."

The dialogue was generally realistic and successful. The woman on the ledge could have been a bit more nervous. Was she really on the ledge, or just making him nervous?

The fact that she knew his name and was able to connect to him and not another dispatcher is possible...I guess. Cop showed up right on time.

I like the idea here but as is, it's confusing. I wasn't sure what Adam did to Kate but it's obvious he does bad things to people who call in for help...and that seems like a unique villain.  Sometimes these short challenges create a seed for something bigger.

Hope you work on this. It def has potential.

Hi,

The characters and the dialogue are good and I think I understand the story, he's a rapist at the very least, Kate has contacted the cops and he's been set up and caught.
A good premise that a police call handler would use information to identify victims, if this was expanded to a feature this could be a great thriller.

Well done.

OK, so from the 1st Slug, I know this is not an American writer, with the spelling of "CENTRE".

2nd sentence isn't a sentence as written, and reads very awkwardly because of it.  And, this 4 line passage unnecessarily ends with an unhappy little, lonely orphan.

"...the few other occupied cubicles on this graveyard shift." - we obviously don't where this is taking place, but night, graveyard shift, or whatever, an emergency call center would always be prepared for whatever amount of calls come in.

Adam would not be allowed to simply cut calls off short when he feels like it.

If Kate is her name, use it for all her dialogue, whether or not she's intro'd herself.

So, in reality, when this type of call comes in, a Supervisor would get involved as soon as humanly possible.  A 28 year old kid on the night shift would not be able to or allowed to deal with this.

The end.  Hmmm...rather confusing, or maybe more like there are several possibilities as to what took place, but considering there's a cop waiting for Adam, it appears this is some kind of setup for something he did 7 months ago - as in rape this woman.  And, that's pretty cool, actually...

...BUT...

It's all very far fetched to the point of being kind of ridiculous...to me, at least.

Listen...yeah, I know...movies/scripts/stories/whatever can be totally redonkulous and still work...very well at times.  I can see some really digging on this.  For me, it just doesn't quite work.

In terms of the dialogue, Kate's is quite good.  Adam's not so much.

When it's all said and done, I have to appreciate the creativeness on display here, and with some time and thought, this could be what it's trying to be and be a success.