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A Very Bad Date by Rocky Custer - Short, Crime - A guy's plan to philanderize with his secretary goes awry when his wife shows up -- and then things get much worse.
I read this last night before going to bed and it got some good laughs out of me.
The satirical humor of it reminded me of any number of classical comedy acts, particularly given the situation of the dead body in the room. It almost felt like the dead body was the straight man, which generated the humor between David and Emma. Some of the exchanges were very funny and even some of the visual gags were just as comical; "David looks around the room for the killer." At least, I assume that's what you were going for.
Some of the dialogue was a bit "on-the-nose" at times as well, but in general I thought this was a fun read. Nice job!
Um, hmmm...not quite sure what to think. Don't get me wrong, here. I liked your writing and just how ludicrous the whole thing was. Why didn't you pick Rom-Com as your genre? Regardless, dammit, I liked this. Great visuals and pretty decent banter between two truly wack-a-doodle characters. I want to slap both of them. Actually, I want to slap the assistant, too.
I liked this one. It was more like comedy than crime. For that reason I enjoyed the situation and the banter between the two of them, but you might get dinged some points. It leaves a lot of unanswered questions - who really did kill her? Where do his pants go? Will his wife take him back? I especially liked the bit about the pool boy sucking in his gut causing his drawers to drop.
Writing was pretty solid all the way around. A solid entry that skates the edge or the rules a bit.
The dialogue was snappy and realistic. Funny premise, the skirt bit was great.
Some jokes may need some punch-up, because it felt like there were a few dialogue "feedback loops" where the characters aren't really saying anything. A few "on the nose" moments as well, like the: "...not with you as the husband." line.
"DAVID'S VOICE" - I think most people write "DAVID (O.S.)" This happens with Emma as well.
I didn't understand the denouement, perhaps this is the opening scene to a larger story?
Meets the requirements, although more comedy than crime. Good banter and a few laughs.
It seemed to me this was leading up to the fact that Emma killed the secretary as she doesn't react at all to the dead body and she is all about herself. But you didn't reveal who killed her at all, which was disappointing. Never leave the audience hanging. Wanting more? Yes. Hanging, no.
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The opening pages were very effective. The dialogue was sharp. Lots of wit. Good use of understatement. Great situation. I like that the guy was shaking his toothbrush at the others.
The loss of his pants and concern over canceled credit cards was where things got slightly off track. Lost pants don't feel like the true predicament here.
I mean this in a good way, considering that was what your intent was for this. It definitely had moments of ridicule laughs and was nicely written as well.