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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The September 2021 OWC  ›  Moving On - OWC
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  Author    Moving On - OWC  (currently 703 views)
Don
Posted: September 24th, 2021, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Moving On by Below Average Score - Sometimes moving on isn't so straightforward.  Short, Dramedy


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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SAC
Posted: September 25th, 2021, 5:30am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Haha. There you go! I could have done without the tongue in (erm) cheek names, but I liked this a lot. Only thing I’d change is Ben’s goodbye line a bit more clever. Something to hang this story on, according to the challenge, that is.  Still, nice going!

Steve


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Yuvraj
Posted: September 25th, 2021, 7:03am Report to Moderator
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Hi, writer,

For a one-pager, it is decent and funny. It is also easily filmable. Nothing more to say.

Good luck.  


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khamanna
Posted: September 25th, 2021, 8:11am Report to Moderator
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Ahaha I laughed. Nice, reached the end and going back to - “I’ve always been the center of her world” and laughing some more.

Maybe try to do less characters? The first line reads expositional - I don’t think you need it. This is very effective and a great job for a 2-pager
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Zack
Posted: September 25th, 2021, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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A pretty simple and straightforward tale. And well-told, too. Writing is a bit messy. (Is it Ben's car or Ben's SUV? Pick one.) Still, I enjoyed this one. Good work.

&
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RolandJ
Posted: September 25th, 2021, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
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Writer;
Age old tale of he (she) who laughs last laughs best.
Nice
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LC
Posted: September 26th, 2021, 1:46am Report to Moderator
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Hmm, needs more is my instant reaction.

...she fights
the urge to scream.


Is this her biting her lip and resisting the urge to groan with pleasure... considering what's going on under the covers while she's taking the phone call?

I think you have a good little story here, minus the euphemistic character names and the nod and wink to your readers, but it needs filling out imho. More of Ben's egocentric comments would have been amusing. The centre of the world line was vgood.

If you add just a bit more (like another I just read,) to make me really feel it, both dramatically and comedically, then I'd be more satisfied. As is, I feel like you served up entree only.

Met the brief nicely.


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Zombie Sean
Posted: September 26th, 2021, 9:21am Report to Moderator
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Hi Below Average Score,

I had to do a double-take at "Knutsack".

This was a funny tale, loved it. Not much to give as it's a 1-pager, and a good one at that, but boy howdy that was fun.

Good job.

Sean
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ColinS
Posted: September 27th, 2021, 11:07am Report to Moderator
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Serve the Public Trust

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Wow. That was short and sweet!

Good luck!


"Some day I'll Be Saturday Night..."
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Kevin_L
Posted: September 27th, 2021, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Nothing below average about this. Short and very funny.  Great Job.

All the best.
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Pleb
Posted: September 28th, 2021, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
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Crikey that was short!

So short I'm not sure what to make of it. It made me chuckle but you had space to do more.

Good luck!


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PKCardinal
Posted: September 28th, 2021, 4:21pm Report to Moderator
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Funny.

Consider changing the corny names. They don't add anything. And, give us even more of Ben's ego. That's what really sells the joke.

Good job.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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Gary in Houston
Posted: September 28th, 2021, 5:48pm Report to Moderator
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Jade Knutsack?  I could see using that as a guy's name but a girl?  Man...

First, loved that it wasn't even a full page and you were able to tell a story in that short span.  The story didn't necessarily overwhelm me but it did finally catch my attention with the one-way ticket by the bedside.  But then I wondered -- how in the world do you show that it's a one-way ticket?  That would have to be some amazingly big flashing letters to convey that message.  Either that, or you'd have to really linger a long time on the ticket. Still, you took a big swing with this story, and while you may not have hit a home run, I think you got one in the gap.  Good job and best of luck with it.


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Matthew Taylor
Posted: September 29th, 2021, 4:04am Report to Moderator
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Well done for telling a story in one page.

What was the relevance of the fuel blinking red? I thought he had broken down to begin with.

I would have liked it to be a bit longer, expand the phone call in the beginning a little bit with him yabbering on while she clenches the phone/bites her lip/cries out etc etc etc... would improve the punchline later that she is up to something else.

Good work though


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: September 29th, 2021, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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Well, this was nice and short. Almost too short to enjoy it. One minor quibble from me: in a matter of moments, as the script describes, Sonia went from fighting the urge to scream to being eaten out by Joey. If she were already cheating (the airline ticket kind of proves that), why fight the urge to scream? I came in a bit lukewarm on this one because I think more could have been done with the idea. Best of luck with this one.


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