Dating on the Web by Mr Deludo - Dating can be dangerous on the web. Particularly for Widow Spiders.  Short, Comedy

Very clever and witty and some very funny moments throughout.

BROWN WIDOW
Hmmm. What to do today?
(Beat, as he thinks)
I know, let's move position. That
could be fun.

Made me chuckle.

I see why you wrote this (descriptions below) to give us the vibe of the thing and fill in character-depth - to give us an idea of what type of personalities we're listening to:

NB. Black widow speaks with a comically Mexican accent.
BLACK WIDOW (CONT'D)
Hey... Hey... Brownie?
NB. Brown widow speaks like Eric Cartman.

I just think it's your job to describe their voices and thus personalities in an original way without imitation.
Granted, what you presented made me listen to the voices in the way you intended, but what if I'd never heard of South Park? All I'm saying is those characters are Parker & Stone's invention. It's your job to give us distinctive character voices.

Perhaps Brownie has a squeaky voice or a nasal twang as a generic description, but add to it personality wise.

One of my favourite characters is:

Stewie from Family Guy. Here's his description:
Stewart "Stewie" Gilligan Griffin is the flamboyant and eccentric one year old infant of Peter and Lois Griffin. Mentally he seems much older... Stewie is well-spoken, with an advanced vocabulary, an upper-class British accent and an ambiguous sexual orientation.
Ridiculous, but oh, so funny.

Anyway, that's by the by.

Some lovely visuals in this -

Our Jungle has darkened. Rain now falls.
Somehow a thin beam of sunlight still breaks through the
foliage.
Casts a wondrous glow on the droplets of rain that have
settled on our hosts webs.

BROWN WIDOW
For that very reason. Females were
put on this earth to suck the lives
out of males. It's a fact.

Made me laugh.

So, two final things. To strictly adhere to the brief I think you should not have included these lines (below). The -'goodbye' was not to be explicit or voiced.

BROWN WIDOW
Ok. Bye then.
BLACK WIDOW
Adios Brownie.

Replace with something like:

BROWNIE
OK. I will report back tomorrow.
BLACK WIDOW
(under his breath)
Yeah, that's what you think, buddy
(pause)
G'luck!

Oh, and instead of Black Widow mimicking Brown's misfortunes and demise as an end point, have another spider have moved into the web next door at the end, perhaps so the cycle could humorously continue. A 'here we go again' scenario with Black Widow still preaching to the unsuspecting and gullible Brown Widow, so as to keep his intellectual superiority.

Sorry for the 'novel'. This has a lot going for it and I can see it being a crowd favourite - just a few tweak suggestions, and my humble opinion added.

Btw, great title too.

Writer,

This went on for way too long with the banter. Seems to me you could have boiled this down to its essence and given us 5 pages instead of 7. That said, cute little story, but didn’t really grab me. You kinda lost me at the Cartman reference too, but just my particular taste. Good luck!

Steve

Writer,
I wouldn't have used a known vocal that may be stereotyped. But an original improvised vocal to express his personality. Also (just me), who is Cartman? The dialogue was ok but a bit repetitive at times. Brown knew Black wasn't coming back. Yet in the end he succumbed to his inevitable death by female. Hmmm?
Good entry.  

Hi Mr Deludo,

This had me rolling. I could've done without the Cartman reference, and honestly, I imagined Brown Widow's voice to be less cartoonish and more average, because he's the smart one, right? And Eric Cartman isn't exactly smart (well, he is but like in a sociopathic kind of way).

Anyway, the dialogue was great, especially from Black Widow. I would agree it did go on quite a bit longer than I would have, but shortening it could be easy. The way it ended was also pretty great, too. Brown Widow succumbs to boredom and decides to venture to Branch 7 to see what it's all about.

Thanks for making me laugh. Love the character choices, and the spider references (big fan of those arachnids).

Good job.

Sean

Great writing, funny story, likeable characters, easily visualised.

Great work

Funny story. Played out nicely.

One more vote for ditching the character voice descriptions and working harder to incorporate their style in a unique way.

Good job overall.

Writer,

Really funny story. It was easy to imagine and flowed well.  Great job.

All the best.

Ha! That was so unexpected and quirky, really enjoyed it!

And the "Why do you Psst, there's nobody else here" line made me laugh out loud.

Would love to see how this would actually turn out as a short.

Only two suggestions I have would be to take out the notes on how the characters are meant to speak (I don't think it adds much, especially with the Mexican), and the end felt a little rushed. But other than that, very good entry.

I wonder if any Hispanic readers of this script would find the Brown Widow offensive in the dialect and wording used.  I guess that's up for them to decide.  

For me it was okay.  Comedy is pretty subjective but I just couldn't get past the stereotyping and characterizations. Best of luck with it though.

I liked parts of this and some parts not. There were quite a few spelling/grammatical issues, but I made a promise. The story really lost momentum when the black widow wandered off. I get why you continued after this, but the story was just treading water at that point. The dialogue was fine, a little overdone, in my opinion. As for the story, as I said, it went on too long for my liking, but I can see how people would like this one. Best of luck with this one.

Maybe a bit too dialog-heavy, but I like this one. The writing is solid, a few issues here and there, but nothing deal-breaking. Really appreciated the creativeness of this one. Funny too! Great work here.

&

Funny and made me giggle.

Black Widow seems to come out of Mexican dialogue and into straight American on occasion, and the end sort of peters out a little... but beyond that I really liked it.

Hi peeps. I'm pretty new to these challenges but think that they are great for getting some feedback on ones writing.

Really appreciate the critique. Completely understand why it didn't land for everybody, but gave some of you a laugh, so that will do me.

Administrator LC - Was quite elated by your 'novel' feedback. The 'hear we go again' ending is so much better. Damn, wish I had gone with that. Will change it to that!

Thanks guys - Just happy to be involved.