Say Goodbye by Kevin Lewis (Kevin_L) writing as War Monger! - Short, Drama - A terminally ill mother tries to help her young daughter come to terms with her passing. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi, writer,

At some point, given the theme, there will be a story related to terminal illness. The story here is decent and well-executed. The relations between the characters were also impactful. Although, some sluglines were redundant and misused.

The only drawback here is the ending which could have been more thoughtful and emotional, imo.

Good luck.  

Writer,

Touching, simplistic in a very good way. My only gripe is it could have been a tad shorter. Otherwise, a sweet little tale, met the requirements. I can see this being filmed because it has emotion, and a good filmmaker can really bring it out.  Not much else to add. Liked this a lot.

Steve

Excellent. Hits all the marks. Child's curiosity satisfied in a way that children think because they don't have a full understanding of death and dying. Very well done, writer.

Writer,

You have a nice little story.  I think the mother did a good job of saying goodbye without saying goodbye.   You might want to look into trimming it up to make it read a little faster.  One example...
     "Sarah stands back and admires her handy work."
I think it would be just as effective as
     "Sarah admires her handiwork."
Good job.

All the best.

Hey writer

Sarah seemed a little young for an 8-year-old. By that age, I would expect children to understand the finality of death.

I'm not sure why, but this didn't really do it for me, it didn't stir much emotion. Probably just me though.
the father seemed inconsequential to the story, personally, I would leave him out and just leave the mother/daughter relationship.

All the best

Well written, very emotional, a difficult subject from my own personal experience to have to go through.  So you captured the poignancy of the moment I think.

You almost crossed the line on the parameters when the mom and the child are talking about not saying goodbye, but I'm not too concerned about it.

Great job at conveying a difficult moment between a mother and child.  Best of luck with it.

Hey Warbucks,

A little conflicted with this one - I wasn't overly sold with the beginning, particularly the board game scene.

But then the last couple of pages did really strike a cord. Very touching, endearing. There was such heart in your writing there.

So over all it was definitely a thumbs up. I hope Sarah grows up to make her mum proud!

Sweet and relatable. I do also think you could leave the father out. Just a few things to improve on...

After MOM says "Let's play a game" I would have the scene heading as LATER. Same again after Mom and Dad have a much-needed laugh.

  "I had to give you a piece of me so you could be born...   -  very sweet, i liked this.

This is just a little thing, but would an eight year old really say go figure? I don't know, that just didn't sit right with me. Then again, i suppose it could be part of a cheeky personality?

Communicating with her mother through the mirror was a nice touch.

Remember to put O.S next to KID as he's downstairs shouting up.

Overall very nice job.                                                    

Oh ffs another one that has left me feeling like my heart has just been pulled out... I'm not used to all this feelings stuff.

Excellent job though and nothing to add other than the "she throws the covers off" sentence on page 3 confused me as I thought it initially referred to Sarah, so that might be worth changing to Mom.

Very well done!

Nice story built around a wonderful thought: I'll always be with you because I'm literally a part of you.

I don't have children, so I may not know what I'm talking about here, but 8 doesn't seem like the right age for the daughter. Definitely ask a few parents before making any changes... but, I'd suggest closer to 5 based on her language and understanding of concepts like death.

Nicely done. Thanks for sharing.

The writing is a bit sloppy here, and Sarah doesn't talk like an 8-year-old girl. But... I really like the story here. A lot. Very emotional. Really curious to see who wrote this one.

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Hi Not A Daddy Warbucks,

This was a sweet little emotional tale. I'm sure I'm not the only one to try and write a story about a terminal illness.

The conversation between Mom and Sarah where Mom pointed out the nose and eyes was really touching, a great movie moment for a director to show off their skills.

The ending could've packed a bit more of a punch with the final image, and honestly I thought we were going to see the Mom in the reflection of the mirror once it was set down when Sarah went out to go play.

Good job with this. Following in suit with some other comments here regarding Sarah's age, the father, etc. But otherwise, a very good short.

Sean

There are a decent number of spelling/grammatical errors in this one, but I promised myself I wouldn't let those detract from the reads on these OWCs anymore, so I'm passing right by them. I liked the story. It was predictable, but in a good way. Basically, just a step-by-step story, but it was done well enough. I think that Dad wasn't really necessary to the story (you could've had him there at the end, but this was Sarah and Mom's story. Best of luck with this one.

Thought this was well written and very poignant, brought a tear to me eye.

My only suggestion is to re-look at the ending, the very last page just seemed a little below the quality of what preceded it,

Great job though