Sunshine by Jimmie Davis - A Father says goodbye to his Daughter.  Short, Drama

Hi, writer,

The visual concept mentioned here, if filmed professionally, will be amazing to watch. I know the story here tries to convey some kind of estrangement or maybe premature death, but with no backstory to offer, it leaves no impact. Since there were pages available, you could have given a reason for such a heart-wrenching response from the father.

Good luck.    

Writer,

This didn’t go where I was thinking, and maybe that’s a good thing because I was almost on the verge of tears. Anyway, an emotional premise that was somehow lost through the passage of time. I totally get where you went, I just think the impact would have been greater without the cigarettes and broken picture. And even though it does seem to tell the story of a premature death, it didn’t hit me the way I think it was going to so perhaps that’s my fault. Still, a good entry!

Steve

Writer, I understood  the premise. Interesting how you used the song to tell the passing of the child.

Writer,

Good writing, as this is a visceral type of story.  Watching someone deteriorate over a loved one, especially a child, is heartbreaking.  Do you think it would add anything if the daughter started the song and then the dad/daughter together and last the dad by himself when things turn bleak?   If you ever decide to expand on it outside the confines of the challenge criteria. You have the stages of grief to work with and could undoubtedly turn this already emotional piece into a gut buster.  Well done.

All the best.

Hey writer

Great imagination with this, unique and interesting. Visually it would be fantastic if shot correctly.


It starts with the happy scene, and then the whole movie is that scene darkening. Personally, I would have built the scene up with happiness before descending - Time-lapse of his daughter starting as a baby, getting older, until she stops getting older, then the scene starts to descend into darkness, combined with Kevin's idea of them both singing upbeat at the beginning, then her voice disappears and he is singing alone, in a broken way.
(Now my mind is going, I would put in an event in the middle to symbolize the turn from growing happiness to quickly descending darkness, a quick ominous shot of thunder and lightning maybe...


Anyway, great work - imagination and creativity will get you far.

Excellent short that didn't quite achieve its vast potential. I think, though I'm not sure, that the problem lies in that the visuals don't tell enough of the "what happened." If there's a complete story told in the deterioration of the room, then I think there'd be more punch.

For example... maybe the pictures tell a bit of the story: Pictures of the daughter in the hospital? That might be cliche, but, you can come up with something better for sure.

Do you, the writer, know what happened to the daughter? If not, figure it out and try and incorporate it.

Still powerful. Just disappointing that it wasn't even MORE powerful.

Oh, and one nit: "A special picture is on the bedside table." That's cheating. You can't just tell us it's special. You have to show us. Ex: "One picture, its frame shinier than the others, sits on the bedside table." Then, I think you also need to tell us the picture's subject. "Father holding a newborn." or, whatever you see in there.

Overall, great job!

When you mention that it seems like objects are moving in a slow time lapse you could perhaps expand on that - which objects? When i read the line about cigarettes i thought 'house fire' and my mind jumped to 'PSA commercial'. Then when you mention alcohol bottles i thought 'abusive father?' I do like the mystery of it but i agree with what others have said, it's almost there just missing something.

Well done.

Another short one! Some really great writing here. Very strong visuals. Lots of emotion. I can practically feel the father's pain. No complaints from me. Great work.

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Hey JD,

First and foremost, this is a very creative and imaginative effort.

It feels like either a surrealism narrative of a fathers desperation to hold on to his beloved daughter or a recurring nightmare he suffers on the same theme.

For some reason I thought I was reading a comedy to begin with - It was the singing of the song in the monotone voice, I mistook it as humorous. Obviously I soon realised this was a heartfelt tale - A very, very sad one at that.

Cracking effort, good luck.

First one I've read and felt like I've just had my heart ripped out. Thanks for that!

Fuck, that one really got me.

Excellent writing.

Only thing I'd change if it was mine would be to take out the special picture being ripped up as I'd find it hard to believe a grieving parent would do that.

Just reading the other comments and I think Kevin's suggestion to have the girl starting the song is a great idea.

Oh man, now I feel even more depressed.

Hi Jimmie Davis,

Very powerful images here, I'd be really curious to see how a visually creative director would take this. I also love that song, so this was a very emotional piece for me. Great story, with great visuals. I don't think it needs to be longer or shorter either, but I do like the idea of the girl starting the song and the father finishing it by the end.

Good job,

Sean

Certainly a script that tugs at the emotional heartstrings.  It's a difficult situation to lose a child and this does a pretty good job at conveying that heartbreak.  I do agree with others that it might be more effective where you have a flashback, or maybe even alternating flashbacks, between the daughter and father singing the song during happier times with what is happening in real time.  Would be pretty powerful IMHO.

I do like the visuals of passing time; the peeling wallpaper, the stacks of cigarettes.  Paints a vivid --- or bleak -- picture of what's happening to the father over time.

Good job and best of luck with it.

A second script for the dead family member category. This one takes a darker turn than Say Goodbye did and that may have been to its detriment. You really shouldn't just give us one emotion over and over. A little bit of joy in a grim story can make all the difference. The visuals of what's happening in the room were a little clunky to me and it would've been helpful for us to know exactly what happened to his daughter. Is his pain just over her dying or is it because of guilt? This one had a nice idea, but it wasn't fully realized. Best of luck with this one.