The Starving Sea by Dr. David Reed - Short, Horror - Three on a boat.  And a voracious predator. - pdf, format

Pretty good, I thought.

Far from low budget, in reality. To film it as written, anyway. It's very heavy on special effects and set at sea.

The opening line threw me a bit...the part about blissful solitude and the sea. The sea is a very dangerous place, even for the most experienced sailor. Blissful solitude isn't the first thing that comes to mind.

SPOILERS:


The appearance of the blob was well handled. Liked the way it took Dirk out.

Didn't buy the creature not liking the ice box...it lives in the Ocean. Which is cold at the best of times.

The ending was a little underwhelming. Perhaps because it lacks irony, or any real "point". We never really get to know, or care about anyone, so having her stuck there doesn't mean a lot.  

Good, fun read.

SPOILERS

Hey, cool - the Blob!  Awesome choice.

And alot of bloody chaos and death in it, too.

And I really enjoyed this one.  It's very clear that whoever wrote it is a polished pro.  My only suggested tweak - there's really too much description IMHO after the "monster" first attacks.  Frankly, I think it can be seriously trimmed, which wlll make the last third flow far better.

And when that's done, I think this one is clearly production worthy...  

This is the first one I've read so far.  I really enjoyed the scummy beach trash characters dialogue.  I liked the flow of it.  I also liked the choice that she survives the blob only to die a slow agonizing death.

My only concern is that I don't think it would be considered low budge with the special effects involved and being at sea.

Story wise, and pacing, I really enjoyed it.

Reads nicely, a bit like a novel at times, but still.

Story-wise, I was somewhat missing an arc. The blob could be her friend who comes to rescue her or whatever. Like it is, its a sequence where people become blob-food for no apparent reason.

I was hoping for some kind of huge payoff, Karen dies epic or survives. In this case, the choice of the open ending let the air out of what was an overall great short.

If the block was near to the hull, Karen would either be in the boat - or in the water.

Why would Karen be naked? With her situation so nonchalantly weird, the dialogue seemed to shoot from the hip. Good writing, the writer made their vision accessible to anyone directing.

+ Good, visual story
+ The tension was pitch perfect...

- ...until we got to Hooters

SPOILERS


Pg 1
Motion pictures need motion.  In the first sixty seconds, only a fishing pole moves.

Pg 2
Why did she say her scream would be amazing?  She shudda just SCREAMed.  You're showing, not telling.
Dirk gets a bite and Charlie reacts?

Pg 3
What is the purpose of "his response to damn near anything"
Over tow minutes into a seven minute motion picture and the only thing moving is a fish O.S.
The block is not creeping.  why use a metaphor when you can assign a action to a sinister character, or to the THUMP of a big fish.
We don't yet know the size of the boat.  I suspect this will soon be important.
Okay, we get it: the two men can cuss.
How do we know Dirk is a damned fool?  Murderer or felon, but fool?

Pg 4
How big is the boat? The blob?
Charilie decides they have bigger problems? How do we know his decision?  Show us, as we cannot read his mind.
For all the cussing, Karen's tame as all f*ck. A bad guy was just consumed by pink slime, she's moments from drowning and this is her reaction?  "Watch it, jackass"
His face is little more than a skull?  Perhaps his skull is little more than a face?
Insane gibbering’s?  Perhaps unintelligible grunts?
The blob consumes people with his heart.  Interesting.
Karen's reaction at the bottom of the page is comedic.

Pg 5
Make it more clear that in one motion the anchor shoots and hits Charlie.  If it's a cannon-like blast, Charlies been knocked out of the boat, no?
The blob ate Charlie.  And the anchor too?  This is important.
Blob is a character and should be introduced as BLOB and referenced as Blob.
You have a cool monster eating Charlie and we don't see it!  Instead, we see Charlie looking at Karen.
The action line "Karen screams at the beast" is unnecessary.  Show, don't tell.
Oh, now Karen finally gets a potty mouth.

Pg 6
Karen notices.  Why is this action line necessary?
Same comment for "her aim is true".  Not sure what that adds.
Same comment for "abandons ship".  The next sentence says it all.  You're saying the same action twice.
What evidence do we have that "it's over"  What if the ice melts?  We cannot know this.
"that stupid...place"  Why would you inject your opinion in an action line.  We have no evidence that Hooters is stupid.  It may be the stupidest place on Earth, but you're again telling, instead of showing how Hooters is stupid.  It's like you opinion, man.

===========================================
The Blob's an inconsistent character.  We don't know its rules of engagement.  Sometimes it sits, and seems to have a mouth that can spit, and other supernatural abilities.
Some of your SOUNDS need upper-case.
Your second act starts way too late.  You have seven minutes.  We want motion, action, struggle, foreshadowing, etc.


Hope that helps.

On the first page I'm very confused with your visuals. I was going to let the camera direction slide because you wanted slow reveals. The problem was...well,...

Quoted Text Blissful solitude, as only the ocean can provide. Endless water meets endless sky beneath a blazing sun. And somewhere out here, a girl is sobbing.

Either I can see the boat she's on or I don't.
Either I see her or I don't. If I don;t see Karen then all I'm looking at is a piece of prose.
If I do see Karen, I see she's already naked and afriad, and that there are other characters are around her. Hey, if you're gonna throw in establishing vistas, you are going to have to play by your own visual cues, just saying.

Quoted Text The blob smells it.

How? Does The Blob have a nose?

It should be said that when Karen fights off The Blob she is still nude with a brick around her ankle. The Hooters keychain reveal comes across as a bit hokey as a result.

As far as classic monsters go, I admit I wasn't expecting The Blob, but rather a giant squid or crab. But The Blob is fine. It's also clear the script was written in a camp style. The anchor in the belly gag would be a neat FX effect, but I was also saying to myself, that's one small anchor.

Not for me.

No mystery who wrote this one...  

I don't have much to add as far as suggestions go. I liked it, but I don't think it's low budget. I also wonder how easy or hard it would be to find a very pretty teenage actress willing to be nude the whole time in a short.

I have to confess that I have never seen The Blob, but I'm still glad you chose to use it. Looks like a lot of vampire and Frankenstein stories were submitted.

The best one I've read so far, but I've only read two.  

Dr. David Reed,

Don't know about this one. A story about a giant blob eating people should be pretty entertaining and/or funny. I found myself skimming and didn't laugh once. I didn't find it scary either. So, yeah, it didn't do anything for me.

The writing is pretty solid, awkward at times. The dialogue, a bit unnatural.

Not one for me.

Best of luck.

Glenn.

Personally liked it in parts and hated in others.

Felt like it missed the mark for me sometimes. Sometimes the dialogue was too cheesy which may have been the point? But I didn't personally like the WRITING but I can totally imagine this as a gorey b-movie which has over the top blob squishing!

Not my favourite but it is still well formatted. Dialogue seemed off.

Making notes as I read this one.

Does it have to be the Gulf of Mexico? That might make the low budget hard to achieve.

Where did they get the cinder block from in the middle of the ocean? And why have they got this girl and are ready to kill her while they are fishing?

Oooh, the Blob! That’s a new one, I think it is a classic monster so that’s fine with me. You’ll have to be careful though, the blob needs practical and probably CGI FX to work so that may blow the budget and one good make-up FX rule.

And you blow the budget big time. This will cost a lot!

The way the guys get killed, the way Karen fights off the Blob and her predicament is well written though. It’s just, the ice angle doesn’t work because the sea is cold.

-Mark

Well written and, in an OWC laden with similar themes/monsters... kind of refreshing.

I saw the Blob more like a jellyfish than a cinematic monster, but it also reminded me of the water (blob of) consciousness from the Abyss. Alas, the gore you incorporated here would definitely suggest this is not your typical jellyfish. Nice visuals BTW!

I was curious about Karen's situation, that being, what she did that would warrant such a shitty death. One or two lines of dialog might resolve that IMO. Maybe some (previous) sinister action on her behalf that would force the reader to side with Dirk in a strange common logic? Then his death is actually a tragedy ... just my opinion of course.

Didn't get the Hooters reference... to this day I've never been (to one). Maybe I'll stop in sooner than later to see what all the fuss is about.

Ending fell flat for me unfortunately, that is, bummed me out Karen has no escape so to speak...  maybe the Coast Guard will show... someday.

Hey,

You did a good job of concealing where the story is leading. She'll die, she will be saved by the blog, she's eaten by the blob.
It was easy to root for Karen and hate two other characters.
I didn't understand what they wanted with her.

It's a simple slasher and reads just like a slasher should read, so great job on that.

I'm not a fan of slashers however, but that's my problem I guess.

Simple log. No clue from the pseudonym that I can ascertain.

Code EXT. THE GULF OF MEXICO - DAY Blissful solitude, as only the ocean can provide. Endless water meets endless sky beneath a blazing sun. And somewhere out here, a girl is sobbing.

Nice opener. It builds the scene and adds atmosphere. Perfect for an establishing scene. The visuals are provided and then, in all that loneliness, the distinct sound of a girl sobbing. I'd have preferred the more active... a girl sobs, which I think makes for a better flow... but it's otherwise fine.

Code KAREN Late teens. Very pretty. A fresh black eye. Her hair is askew. Tears streak her delicate cheeks.

I like this style and I feel that so long as it isn't used for every description then it works really well. You're essentially directing the camera to a tee, which is nice.

Very good. Well told story. The extra words do not matter because you tell a good yarn. Very confident writer. You made a mediocre story great. A tip of the hat.

8 out of 10.