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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Starving Sea - OWC
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  Author    The Starving Sea - OWC  (currently 5744 views)
Don
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 9:18am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Starving Sea by Dr. David Reed - Short, Horror - Three on a boat.  And a voracious predator. - pdf, format


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 9:42am Report to Moderator
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Pretty good, I thought.

Far from low budget, in reality. To film it as written, anyway. It's very heavy on special effects and set at sea.

The opening line threw me a bit...the part about blissful solitude and the sea. The sea is a very dangerous place, even for the most experienced sailor. Blissful solitude isn't the first thing that comes to mind.

SPOILERS:


The appearance of the blob was well handled. Liked the way it took Dirk out.

Didn't buy the creature not liking the ice box...it lives in the Ocean. Which is cold at the best of times.

The ending was a little underwhelming. Perhaps because it lacks irony, or any real "point". We never really get to know, or care about anyone, so having her stuck there doesn't mean a lot.  

Good, fun read.


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wonkavite
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 9:46am Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

Hey, cool - the Blob!  Awesome choice.

And alot of bloody chaos and death in it, too.

And I really enjoyed this one.  It's very clear that whoever wrote it is a polished pro.  My only suggested tweak - there's really too much description IMHO after the "monster" first attacks.  Frankly, I think it can be seriously trimmed, which wlll make the last third flow far better.

And when that's done, I think this one is clearly production worthy...  
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ScenesUnwritten
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This is the first one I've read so far.  I really enjoyed the scummy beach trash characters dialogue.  I liked the flow of it.  I also liked the choice that she survives the blob only to die a slow agonizing death.

My only concern is that I don't think it would be considered low budge with the special effects involved and being at sea.

Story wise, and pacing, I really enjoyed it.
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Equinox
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Reads nicely, a bit like a novel at times, but still.

Story-wise, I was somewhat missing an arc. The blob could be her friend who comes to rescue her or whatever. Like it is, its a sequence where people become blob-food for no apparent reason.


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
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I was hoping for some kind of huge payoff, Karen dies epic or survives. In this case, the choice of the open ending let the air out of what was an overall great short.

If the block was near to the hull, Karen would either be in the boat - or in the water.

Why would Karen be naked? With her situation so nonchalantly weird, the dialogue seemed to shoot from the hip. Good writing, the writer made their vision accessible to anyone directing.

+ Good, visual story
+ The tension was pitch perfect...

- ...until we got to Hooters

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RKeller
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SPOILERS


Pg 1
Motion pictures need motion.  In the first sixty seconds, only a fishing pole moves.

Pg 2
Why did she say her scream would be amazing?  She shudda just SCREAMed.  You're showing, not telling.
Dirk gets a bite and Charlie reacts?

Pg 3
What is the purpose of "his response to damn near anything"
Over tow minutes into a seven minute motion picture and the only thing moving is a fish O.S.
The block is not creeping.  why use a metaphor when you can assign a action to a sinister character, or to the THUMP of a big fish.
We don't yet know the size of the boat.  I suspect this will soon be important.
Okay, we get it: the two men can cuss.
How do we know Dirk is a damned fool?  Murderer or felon, but fool?

Pg 4
How big is the boat? The blob?
Charilie decides they have bigger problems? How do we know his decision?  Show us, as we cannot read his mind.
For all the cussing, Karen's tame as all f*ck. A bad guy was just consumed by pink slime, she's moments from drowning and this is her reaction?  "Watch it, jackass"
His face is little more than a skull?  Perhaps his skull is little more than a face?
Insane gibbering’s?  Perhaps unintelligible grunts?
The blob consumes people with his heart.  Interesting.
Karen's reaction at the bottom of the page is comedic.

Pg 5
Make it more clear that in one motion the anchor shoots and hits Charlie.  If it's a cannon-like blast, Charlies been knocked out of the boat, no?
The blob ate Charlie.  And the anchor too?  This is important.
Blob is a character and should be introduced as BLOB and referenced as Blob.
You have a cool monster eating Charlie and we don't see it!  Instead, we see Charlie looking at Karen.
The action line "Karen screams at the beast" is unnecessary.  Show, don't tell.
Oh, now Karen finally gets a potty mouth.

Pg 6
Karen notices.  Why is this action line necessary?
Same comment for "her aim is true".  Not sure what that adds.
Same comment for "abandons ship".  The next sentence says it all.  You're saying the same action twice.
What evidence do we have that "it's over"  What if the ice melts?  We cannot know this.
"that stupid...place"  Why would you inject your opinion in an action line.  We have no evidence that Hooters is stupid.  It may be the stupidest place on Earth, but you're again telling, instead of showing how Hooters is stupid.  It's like you opinion, man.

===========================================
The Blob's an inconsistent character.  We don't know its rules of engagement.  Sometimes it sits, and seems to have a mouth that can spit, and other supernatural abilities.
Some of your SOUNDS need upper-case.
Your second act starts way too late.  You have seven minutes.  We want motion, action, struggle, foreshadowing, etc.


Hope that helps.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 11:21am Report to Moderator
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On the first page I'm very confused with your visuals. I was going to let the camera direction slide because you wanted slow reveals. The problem was...well,...


Quoted Text
Blissful solitude, as only the ocean can provide.
Endless water meets endless sky beneath a blazing sun.
And somewhere out here, a girl is sobbing.


Either I can see the boat she's on or I don't.
Either I see her or I don't. If I don;t see Karen then all I'm looking at is a piece of prose.
If I do see Karen, I see she's already naked and afriad, and that there are other characters are around her. Hey, if you're gonna throw in establishing vistas, you are going to have to play by your own visual cues, just saying.



Quoted Text
The blob smells it.

How? Does The Blob have a nose?

It should be said that when Karen fights off The Blob she is still nude with a brick around her ankle. The Hooters keychain reveal comes across as a bit hokey as a result.

As far as classic monsters go, I admit I wasn't expecting The Blob, but rather a giant squid or crab. But The Blob is fine. It's also clear the script was written in a camp style. The anchor in the belly gag would be a neat FX effect, but I was also saying to myself, that's one small anchor.

Not for me.





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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
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No mystery who wrote this one...  

I don't have much to add as far as suggestions go. I liked it, but I don't think it's low budget. I also wonder how easy or hard it would be to find a very pretty teenage actress willing to be nude the whole time in a short.

I have to confess that I have never seen The Blob, but I'm still glad you chose to use it. Looks like a lot of vampire and Frankenstein stories were submitted.

The best one I've read so far, but I've only read two.  


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IamGlenn
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Dr. David Reed,

Don't know about this one. A story about a giant blob eating people should be pretty entertaining and/or funny. I found myself skimming and didn't laugh once. I didn't find it scary either. So, yeah, it didn't do anything for me.

The writing is pretty solid, awkward at times. The dialogue, a bit unnatural.

Not one for me.

Best of luck.

Glenn.


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Nathan Hill
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
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Personally liked it in parts and hated in others.

Felt like it missed the mark for me sometimes. Sometimes the dialogue was too cheesy which may have been the point? But I didn't personally like the WRITING but I can totally imagine this as a gorey b-movie which has over the top blob squishing!

Not my favourite but it is still well formatted. Dialogue seemed off.
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MarkRenshaw
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Making notes as I read this one.

Does it have to be the Gulf of Mexico? That might make the low budget hard to achieve.

Where did they get the cinder block from in the middle of the ocean? And why have they got this girl and are ready to kill her while they are fishing?

Oooh, the Blob! That’s a new one, I think it is a classic monster so that’s fine with me. You’ll have to be careful though, the blob needs practical and probably CGI FX to work so that may blow the budget and one good make-up FX rule.

And you blow the budget big time. This will cost a lot!

The way the guys get killed, the way Karen fights off the Blob and her predicament is well written though. It’s just, the ice angle doesn’t work because the sea is cold.

-Mark



For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Gum
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 12:19am Report to Moderator
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Well written and, in an OWC laden with similar themes/monsters... kind of refreshing.

I saw the Blob more like a jellyfish than a cinematic monster, but it also reminded me of the water (blob of) consciousness from the Abyss. Alas, the gore you incorporated here would definitely suggest this is not your typical jellyfish. Nice visuals BTW!

I was curious about Karen's situation, that being, what she did that would warrant such a shitty death. One or two lines of dialog might resolve that IMO. Maybe some (previous) sinister action on her behalf that would force the reader to side with Dirk in a strange common logic? Then his death is actually a tragedy ... just my opinion of course.

Didn't get the Hooters reference... to this day I've never been (to one). Maybe I'll stop in sooner than later to see what all the fuss is about.

Ending fell flat for me unfortunately, that is, bummed me out Karen has no escape so to speak...  maybe the Coast Guard will show... someday.
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khamanna
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 3:23am Report to Moderator
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Hey,

You did a good job of concealing where the story is leading. She'll die, she will be saved by the blog, she's eaten by the blob.
It was easy to root for Karen and hate two other characters.
I didn't understand what they wanted with her.

It's a simple slasher and reads just like a slasher should read, so great job on that.

I'm not a fan of slashers however, but that's my problem I guess.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 6:00am Report to Moderator
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Simple log. No clue from the pseudonym that I can ascertain.


Code

EXT. THE GULF OF MEXICO - DAY

Blissful solitude, as only the ocean can provide.

Endless water meets endless sky beneath a blazing sun.

And somewhere out here, a girl is sobbing.



Nice opener. It builds the scene and adds atmosphere. Perfect for an establishing scene. The visuals are provided and then, in all that loneliness, the distinct sound of a girl sobbing. I'd have preferred the more active... a girl sobs, which I think makes for a better flow... but it's otherwise fine.

Code

KAREN

Late teens. Very pretty. A fresh black eye.

Her hair is askew. Tears streak her delicate cheeks.



I like this style and I feel that so long as it isn't used for every description then it works really well. You're essentially directing the camera to a tee, which is nice.

Very good. Well told story. The extra words do not matter because you tell a good yarn. Very confident writer. You made a mediocre story great. A tip of the hat.

8 out of 10.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
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My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) Not too sure I have any

Good bits:-
1) Well written with a good premise
2) Good pace

Rules
Well, the Blob isn't really a classic in the Universal sense, but it is to me, budget might not be too low

Overall this was REALLY well written, think it's my fave and it's the last and final one I had to read!

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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stevie
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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This is very similar to the Stephen King short story 'The Raft' from the, I think, 'Skeleton Crew' collection.

It's done pretty well.



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Dreamscale
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 9:29pm Report to Moderator
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The good news...

Very clean and "professionally" written.  Only spotted 3 or 4 errors, which is great for an OWC.

Quick read and easy read.

Good characters for so little character development.

Ballsy ending, which is always appreciated by me.

The not so good news...

Style is bordering on something I can't stand...but I got through it with only 8 or 9 eye rolls, and out loud, "Oh boy's".

Overwritten for the most part, but that's obviously your style and you know exactly what I'm talking about.

The bad news...

The "bordering" part above shows through too often here.  No reason to be as "telling" as you were.  It's as if you don't trust your readers, so you're bonking us over the head again and again.

The last half page - no reason IMO that you chose to use the "we" shit numerous times.  We get it.  It's unnecessary and take me out of the harrowing scene you created.

Which leads me to a grade of...

B+

Good job!
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RichardR
Posted: October 27th, 2015, 8:40am Report to Moderator
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Good job.  the bad guys get what they deserve, but Karen doesn't.  Shouldn't she be rewarded for her pluck?  That would be justice, but that's me.

I like the blob and how it works.  I would prefer some sort of setup for the blob, perhaps some chat about the empty boat found in the area a week before.  The mystery of the missing crew?  Of course, our dingbats might attribute that to aliens.  

I think you can shorten some of the dialogue.  After all, by this point, the handwriting is on the wall.

best
Richard
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JonnyBoy
Posted: October 27th, 2015, 9:16am Report to Moderator
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Ha, this one was quite funny. More horror-comedy, some gloopy, icky gore with Dirk's head around the midpoint but the tone is too light for anything to chill (obviously an intentional choice).

As far as meeting the criteria goes - nice pick with The Blob, good to see some slightly less mainstream selections alongside all the Frankenstein's Monsters, werewolves and vampires. Not sure this is low-budget, wouldn't you need CGI to properly render The Blob? Writing is slick and keeps everything zipping along, some flourishes in there (e.g. 'pink pseudopod of protoplasm') which I personally appreciate, makes me feel in good hands.

I wonder if it's a scene rather than a complete short script, feels like the backstory hasn't been filled in rather than omitted for mystery's sake, and while you could argue leaving Karen there is the more effective ending it also saves you the trouble of having to work out how she gets off the boat! Also none of the characters quite 'popped', good visual descriptions but nothing particularly memorable or distinctive about any of them. Fodder for the Blob, little more.

Overall: skilfully written, fun to read, you chose to ignore the budgetary criteria so for that reason it can't get my Writers' Choice vote (not that anyone cares), but still a good entry. nice work.


Guess who's back? Back again?
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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 27th, 2015, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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This was a really good one to me. Love the title. Like the blob and love the irony.

Wasn't sure why they were killing the girl. They obviously had done it before.

Good dialogue IMO. Not sure I love the characters but I Love the story...I guess it's normal sometimes for things to either be character driven or story driven and this one delivers enough for the pagelentgh without getting complicated.

Great job. One of my favorites so far.
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rendevous
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 5:03am Report to Moderator
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One of the better ones. An unusual choice of monster. Stands out from most of the rest. Apart from mine, of course.

I quite enjoyed it. Kept my interest throughout. Much better than most. Good end too.

Impressive.

R


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eldave1
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Very well written - quite visual and fast paced. My only complaint was Karen's dialogue - it seemed out of place for me.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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LC
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Gee, I dunno, guys capture a girl, string her up naked, and fish?
Does she have to be naked? It just seems weird, perhaps her clothes ripped would be just as effective.

Speaking of, you certainly know your fishing, or you researched it well.

A pink pseudopod of protoplasm
There's a mouthful, almost alliteration except for the phonetic 'seu'

Another one who writes: Get this off of me' - Obviously a U.S. writer I'm guessing.

sorry sack of sea snot!
Ah, you did yourself proud with true alliteration there, effective description too.

KAREN
Did you hurt it?


I think you could do better with that line.

The blob smells it. - I'd make this a bit more abstract as in: The blob appears to get a whiff of it. Cause there's no actual nose on a blob is there, so...

I think you could have done without: It's her lucky day. Cause you keep pulling me out of the illusion/story with all this writer commentary.

Some of the writing is pretty terrific but then some lines are really corny, almost as if two writers, but I suspect it might have something to do with the OWC deadline - the consistency of quality, I mean.

So this Blob's enemy is iced water yet it belongs in the sea?
In the original Blob they froze it, didn't they, on the ice rink?

A bag of ice, from the cooler, rests near Karen’s feet.
Well that's convenient -

I think, given she's tied up it might be a better idea if she has to twist herself to reach it, almost gets it, it's just beyond her - that sort of thing - bit too easy as is. Ah, but then you really do employ that very device in the next scene regarding the keys.

It’s the logo from that stupid
wings and beer place.


Again? This commentary in the description lines is a bit annoying and it contributes to cornball and spoils the good stuff imh. Nice touch with the keys though.

But then all that and she's destined to die.
Pity our female hero didn't win in the end.

'Let me Scream for you' hmm, reminds me of Pia's avatar, which at the moment, says, 'Smile for me'.

P.S. Re your ending - I'm not a stickler for the 'we' as in: 'we can almost reach out and grab it' in your script but you've overdone it all in the final lines.

When you wrote this, below, on top of the 'we' stuff:
The anguished wails of the hopeless, as they echo across
these utterly empty, open waters.
They?
And then finished with your final line... 'Ours are the only ears...' I wanted to kick you (metaphorically, of course) for ruining my immersion in your story.

Would I be impressed with the story on screen...probably not.
But one of the better stories I've read so far.



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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 29th, 2015, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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Yup, pretty sure on the writer.

Some good choices. Naked girl, been abused, two men that we want dead and a tight space. All good drama.

I'm glad she was never sitting on the creature...you would then have to write that she was on the bl....

Anyway, well handled. Your style is on balance a benefit to story telling  and flows effortlessly,but I also feel you add a little too much on occasions, but that a choice matter I suppose.

On the critical side they are clearly going to kill her, so I felt some of the choices  and dialogue as the creature arises seem off.

Ending...could work, but how do we know she won't be found? They won't be far from shore in that boat.

I wonder whether she could tell the men to fuck off in there request for screaming. You're gonna kill me anyway etc so I won't bother. But now they're going she can scream...the blob has unleashed the screams

Well done.


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EWall433
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“KAREN: You guys are real assholes. You know that, right?”

First false note here. They just got done telling her she has no spine, now she’s calling them assholes. It also seems like a weak rebuke given the situation.

There’s a little too much talking during the attack. If a blob were trying to eat me, I’m pretty sure complete sentences would be out of the question.

I don’t believe Karen would smile in this situation either. I know she doesn’t like Charlie, but she’s next. I can’t imagine that would escape her.

This was one of the better ones, if only for the writing. I have no idea why the girl’s naked though and the ice angle seemed a little convoluted. It also has Karen saving herself through pure luck rather than her own ingenuity, though it’s definitely hard for me to see how you’d get that Blob off the boat.

The end is written as if to say she’ll die out here, and she very well may, but I could also imagine another boat happening along, so I’m not sure it would seem quite as final on screen.
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SAC
Posted: October 31st, 2015, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Very good use of 7 pages! This was a complete story from top to tails, was tense, funny -- if not very scary. But you had a couple gruesome deaths in there, as well as an imaginative classic monster. Yes, this did remind me of King's The Raft. And it ended up almost the same, as I recall, with oNe hopeless survivor left to presumably die. Can't say it borrowe too much or not, but you certainly could've helped your case by providing a different ending. Though I will admit the one you have does seem like a logical choice to me. Again, very good writing and storytelling here!

Steve


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Vinni
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Dr. Reed. I liked this.  I'm not big on these types of films, short or otherwise, but I maintained interest because of how you told it. Others didn't enjoy the firrst couple of lines but I thought the serenity leading into what will be a horrific event was smooth. Their point may be that that is meant for the production side of it. I believe the writer is suppose to leave camera direction for a pre- prodction version of the script and possibly should be left for the director
    Some thoughts on the characters:  she seemed a little too calm and they didn't seem sadistic enough. The blob sounded hideous which I'm sure was the point. I do agree with some that there is too much description some places. I also would like to know more about the characters. Why is Karen there and naked?  Maybe along with the sobbing at the beginning we can listen to a  static-filled broadcast on a old radio explaining the escape of two criminals while the Coast Guard is on a seach for a missing teen.  That might be a bit cliché but you get the idea.  
     I think like most here have said, the ending was a bit of a let down. Maybe a struggle with Karen and the blob where she wins and gets regurgitated back onto the boat, the cider block still attached but far more managable for a teen and lies face down next to the ignition keys, finishing off looking at the same beginning shot with the Coast Guard boat in sight.  I would do without the nakedness and Hooters. It might ring visuals to a pervy writer and distract from an otherwise nicely written story.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: November 3rd, 2015, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
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The Starving Sea

Check left, upper margin, and page numbers.

It's problematic to start with that close-up on Karen and those following shots differentiating the visual situation then. We don't, at least I do not, expect that of a spec script, where story should be first.

Descriptions are good.

P5 absolute great cgi stuff

story-wise: only point that was coming to my mind, is, if Karen shouldn't try to communicate in a more hopeful manner toward the blob. Perhaps it sounds hilarious but: "Thanks blob, killing those guys, now leave it at that please"- kind of
Though, dramaturgic, your way seems to be right here. Just with regards to her situation, the blob wasn't the real party crasher, so to say.

I entirely like your script. It's amusing, entertaining. If you're interested going further with it, I'd suggest you to get to the cgi as soon as possible, to show the full quality of the production to your audience.

If it's done good and you maximize this already funny/horrible script, this could work on the streaming channels quite successful.

4-5 minutes screening would be perfect in my opinion.

How you describe and deliver story is very unique and beautiful. You risk a lot with breaking a few how-not-write-rules, which doesn't matter in your case; everything's so skillful and trustworthy presented; such as the almost fourth wall communication you perform between yourself and the reader - great. Hat off--



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bert
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Thanks to all who read and commented.  Whether or not this piece worked for you, all thoughts are most appreciated.

Self-indulgent author comments and a few cherry-picked responses to follow:

The Setting:  I am surprised how few understood this.  Karen has been kidnapped, a random victim abused by these two, and now to be disposed of in the worst way imaginable.  It is the stuff of Florida urban legend, and all the more horrible in that it is probably more truth than legend.  Dirk and Charlie are every bit as monstrous as the blob.  I was trying not to be overt, but clearly I failed to adequately communicate what is really going on here.  It is a fundamental flaw that will certainly be corrected before Dena and Pia get to work.

The Ice:  This was a nod to the source material.  That is how you defeat the blob.  With cold.  A sad shake of the head to our British friends who chided me that the sea is too cold for this to work.  You guys need to get down to Florida more often.  Pia, Dena, and I will undoubtedly buy you a pint when you do.

Overwriting:  Guilty as charged.

Quoted from LC
Some of the writing is pretty terrific but then some lines are really corny...

Ha!  Yep, I'm afraid it's true.  I usually let my work sit for a while so that I can filter out the worst offenders myself, but that is not an option with the OWC.  Everything gets through and you get it fairly raw.  I probably would have handled the end a bit differently, and almost certainly would have lost the Hooters comment that many thought was too much.

Quoted from Grandma Bear
I also wonder how easy or hard it would be to find a very pretty teenage actress willing to be nude the whole time in a short.

A few people mentioned that.  I suspect having her in a swimsuit is fine for purposes of filming.  An easy enough fix that has little effect on the story, but for the script, I was just writing as I saw things.

Quoted from stevie
This is very similar to the Stephen King short story 'The Raft'

Yeah, I agree.  I read that one years ago, and the similarities also dawned on me as I was writing this.  I remember very little about the story apart from the set-up, however.  I might go back and check it out before reworking the script.

Quoted from Dreamscale
Overwritten for the most part, but that's obviously your style and you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Is that your way of telling me that you spotted my work, Jeff?  I was surprised that you finished this one, let alone gave it a passing grade.  I can only speculate that it must have been the inclusion of naked women.

Quoted from EWall433
"KAREN: You guys are real assholes. You know that, right?" False note here.

Total agreement.  I hate this line.  Of the entire piece, it is Karen's response here that I struggled with the most.  I spent days thinking on this and never come up with something better.  Still haven't.

Quoted from Vinni
Maybe along with the sobbing at the beginning we can listen to a static-filled broadcast on an old radio explaining the escape of two criminals while the Coast Guard is on a search for a missing teen.

That's not bad, actually.  Or something like that.  I might just run this past Pia and Dena.

Thanks again, all.  A lot of fun, as always -- particularly since my two favorites both took top honors.  And both were Phantom scripts.  How odd.


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Grandma Bear
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About the swimsuit rather than nude thing, IMO, torn maybe even bloody clothes would work better as it tells us there's been violence prior. The right type of close would also look better once bloodied and/or wet.

How could you forget to tell everyone that Dena and I will attempt to shoot this one?? Even better, a second guy contacted Don about interest in this script! Funny to me since there was a discussion about this being too hard and too big budget to do.  


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bert
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
How could you forget to tell everyone that Dena and I will attempt to shoot this one?? Even better, a second guy contacted Don about interest in this script! Funny to me since there was a discussion about this being too hard and too big budget to do.  


I just assumed everyone already knew.  And I will leave the fashion choices to you ladies.

I love SS collaborations -- so much so that I told that other guy to take a hike because my favorite movie girls were already on the case!  


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Don
Posted: November 6th, 2015, 11:49pm Report to Moderator
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I need to brag on Bert's behalf.  I got an email a few days ago from a filmmaker which I forwarded on to Bert.

Quoted from random filmmaker

"I wanted to contact Dr. David Reed about his script The Starving Sea, ( Oct. 28 ).  Is his email available?"


This isn't so much about SimplyScripts as it is about having one good low budget short in your holster.

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Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  November 6th, 2015, 11:53pm
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: November 7th, 2015, 7:17am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
This was a nod to the source material.  That is how you defeat the blob.  With cold.  A sad shake of the head to our British friends who chided me that the sea is too cold for this to work.  You guys need to get down to Florida more often.  Pia, Dena, and I will undoubtedly buy you a pint when you do.


The sad shake of the head is unwarranted.

You've made a rookie error, I'm afraid.


The original Blob came from outer space. It was an amoeba that lived on a meteorite travelling at high speeds. An organism that could survive and thrive in EXTREME HIGH TEMPERATURES. Capable even of surviving burn up when the meteorrite entered Earth's atmosphere.

Hence, the cold killed it, because it was the opposite of how it normally lived.


Your creature is not the Blob. Your creature is a deep sea dwelling monster.

At no point is its origin explained. It merely appears from beneath the waves. Having come from the depths, we can only assume that's where it lives. We cannot even presume it lives on the warm surface, as no-one ever sees them.

All seas are cold in the deep. Especially if one is to live there permanently.

To follow the same logic as the original story...the opposite is needed to destroy it.

FIRE, or some other form of extreme heat.

Bear in mind, outside the OWC, there is nothing to connect this story with the Blob without a title change and some kind of exposition explaining what it is. In the absence of that, it can only be presumed to be some sort of sea creature...perhaps a huge jellyfish or squid type affair.

Up to you and your team whether you heed my advice, of course, but you'll find that it's brought up by almost everyone that watches it, if you don't.



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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 7th, 2015, 7:43am Report to Moderator
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Nice work Bert, I must be the only one that doesn't yet recognise your style. Even though you do have a very distinctive voice I just took it for what it is, an exceptionally well written script from a writer that enjoys what they do.
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Equinox
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Didn't have this one on the radar. I thought it was written very well but the story was missing completely. However, congrats bert!


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: November 15th, 2015, 1:06am Report to Moderator
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Nice work and congrats on being nominated for OWC.

I could see why you got nominated. I like these types of tales. There're so fucked up lol. Wouldn't she try to learn how to jumpstart the boat or see if there phones are somewhere in the boat. Or start hacking the chain away. Lol.

Nice entry and good luck with this getting this made. Can't wait to see it.
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Wouldn't she try to learn how to jumpstart the boat or see if there phones are somewhere in the boat. Or start hacking the chain away. Lol.

IMO, no. The story ends on the ironic note that she can't reach the keys. What will happen to her is up to the viewer to imagine.

Also, no 18 year old girl I know would know how to "jumpstart" a boat. As far as phones go, cell phone service out on the ocean is pretty much non existent.  Radio maybe, but again, that's not the point of the story.

Other than that...yeah, I can't wait to see this either!!  


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Mr.Ripley
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Hey pia

When I mentioned jumpstart the boat, I meant she would try to mess around. She's got nothing better to do. Lol. But it's just me talking. Nothing to add to the script.

Good luck with this
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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bert
Posted: November 25th, 2015, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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Anybody else see this news?

"What Is This Bizarre Purple Goo Taking Over Norway's Coast?"



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DanC
Posted: November 25th, 2015, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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I read this one, it was fun.  It isn't low budget.  And I'm a huge fan of this story as it was written by Stephen King "The Raft."  

I didn't even realize it was the Blob until I read the comments.  I was a bit confused as to why you'd rewrite the Raft, but, on a boat...

Good job...


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

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Grandma Bear
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Dan!!!!  

Bert, that gives me some ideas. besides blood and guts and bits of flesh, we could also have a BIG jello blob. How's the script coming, btw?


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James McClung
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Hey Bert,

Hope this script isn't so old that I can't be of help. In any case, not really sure where to dig in as far as noteworthy scripts at the moment; obviously haven't been around for a minute. Figured one of yours would be as good a place to start as any.

A few notes...

- EXT. THE GULF OF MEXICO - I was initially going to let this slide, but having reached the end of the script, it occurs to me this specificity has no bearing on the story whatsoever, at least none that I can discern. I’d change to EXT. OPEN OCEAN just for immediacy’s sake.

- Descriptions of the surroundings are a little broad for my taste. For one, what is a small boat, exactly? A rowboat? Nope; there’s a hull. Is there a cabin? Anything else?

Little details like this made it a little difficult for me to find my bearings in the scene. I’d go back and try to set the scene a little more clearly. I don’t mind that you’ve taken a more directorial approach here, but I’d prefer to be able to see it a little better in my head.

- I’m wondering about the weight of this “blob” attacking the boat and what have you. Would the boat tilt or what? See my latter comment in regards to this. Again, I don’t know *exactly* what kind of boat we’re dealing with here.

pg. 5 - “The blob smells it.” - Can’t say I really have a sense of what this would look like. I’d elaborate.

A short-and-sweet review for you...

Honestly not much to say about this one really, other than it was fun, strange, and perhaps a little campy with a cool/gross albeit sort of standard monster at its center. It was perhaps a little too simple for its own good; the characters weren't developed much beyond their respective archetypes, but perhaps that's more to do with the page limit than anything. That said, say this were cut from a larger work, it'd be a perfectly effective scene with a low-key but sort of pulpy, darkly comic ending.

As per usual, well-done, sir. Still enjoy your work ten years after I first came around these parks. Keep doing what you're doing.


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bert
Posted: January 9th, 2016, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC
I read this one, it was fun.  It isn't low budget.

Thanks, Dan.  We'll see about that last comment.  Reworking a few things to try and make it work (along with my favorite movie grrrrls Pia and Dena!!)

Not sure how to respond to your comments about "The Raft", though, so I'll just leave those sit.


Quoted from James McClung
Figured one of yours would be as good a place to start as any.

I know!  You can't go wrong, right?   Always appreciate a look from you.


Quoted from James McClung
EXT. THE GULF OF MEXICO

Fair point.  I was just writing what I know, I guess.  You find specific sorts of people down here in Florida, and those are who I had in mind.  Your comments about the boat itself are also fair, but honestly, any boat of adequate size would do, and I didn't want to rely on specific details for a specific boat that might prove unavailable later.


Quoted from James McClung
It was perhaps a little too simple for its own good

Yeah, the OWC will do that for you sometimes.  But I didn't really have much more to say beyond the scenario itself.  It was more about the "camp" and having a little fun, and shoehorning too much context into a story like this can be an ill fit for its intended audience.


Quoted from James McClung
...ten years...

Ugh...why even go there, James?  That seems impossible -- but it has also been fun to watch a few writers around here mature into something special over that time.  [Note:  F*ck Matais]

Thanks!


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DanC
Posted: February 3rd, 2016, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Burt,

You're Robert Newcomer??

If you didn't see the Raft, or read the short story from Stephen King, it was a lot like that.  A group of kids go out on a raft for a fun day of drinking, swimming and sex, but, it all goes to hell when a creature attacks the raft.  

The short story was on a Stephen King book called Skeleton Crew (I think) and was in the movie Creepshow 2.  

Like I said, it's a pretty well known story.  And (IMO) similar to your story.

It was still good, but, like I said, very close...

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

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Dan
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Grandma Bear
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Dan,

as a HUGE King fan, I was familiar with The Raft, but thought this one was different enough. I had no idea it had been filmed however. Thanks for pointing that out. I went ahead and got the film on Amazon and checked it out right away. It was quite bad, to be honest. The blob, btw, looked like a rubber sheet floating in the water. Not saying Dena and I would do a better job, but...

Anyway, the fact that everyone seem to be mentioning The Raft and now the fact that story has already been filmed, I need to ask you all a question. Especially those of you familiar with film festivals and such. Is TSS too close to The Raft? Would people call us out and say we basically just re-produced that film? This is important to us before we get really going on production.

Thanks!  


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DanC
Posted: February 5th, 2016, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Pia,
     That's a really tough question.  Knowing you are a fan of King really helps this conversation since you are familiar with the story.  Incidentally, that was one of my all-time fav stories from Skeleton Crew.  I really loved quite a few of those.

Tell me, you must have read the Mist, right?  What did you think of the movie and especially the end?  I must say, I hate when endings are changed, but, I loved that one.  I read that even King said that the ending in the film was superior to the one he wrote.  I can understand why people might hate it, but, really, King could have written that end and people would have loved it.

Now, back to TSS.  I think any story that has a raft, kids and a blob-like creature will (sadly) get compared to that story.  Now, the creepshow version was awful.  BUT, it was still made and (back in the day) was a pretty big released movie, so, lots of people saw it.

Whether or not anyone will remember it, I can't say.  

My advice to you, know the Raft inside and out.  Keep your story as different as you can.  All movies have similar modes about them.  I mean, there are only so many things you can do with a zombie (for ex).  Keep TSS as different as you can.  You can create a different back story for it.  Perhaps have the creature having been seen, the legend of TSS or something like that.  

You do have a problem in that there are a very limited list of things that you can do when you have: people, raft, creature, water.  So, if you want to make TSS the best it can be, know the Raft, do the opposite.

OR pay homage to King.  Do the TSS as he would have done the Raft and do it the right way.  Perhaps even acknowledge the Raft in part of your story.  That way, people already know that you know about the movie and won't compare you to it.  Honestly, that might be your best option.  You could have her say something like I hope the creature from the Raft gets your asses.  Then have her explain that King's inspiration for the story was based on this lake/river etc.

I'd love to help with the script if you want.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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eldave1
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Toughie.

The end is very similar - a youth in the ocean surrounded my a menacing blob/slick/goo (take your pick).

The path towards that end is quite different. So my gut tells me you are okay. I mean Rocky, The Champ, and a dozen other films deal with a down and out fighter that makes good.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Grandma Bear
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Dan, yes I liked all of them. Grandma and the monkey one too. I also preferred the film ending of The Mist.

TSS is Bert's story, not mine. Dena and I just want to try to film it. He's currently rewriting it and I'm sure it will be great.  

I've thought about this quite a bit and I think we will be okay. They are out on the water and something in the water will get them. In The Raft, the four teenagers are friends. In this one, the two guys have abducted her and raped her, so their relationships are completely different. The film that was made was really bad, but also from the -80s. I think we should be okay.  


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bert
Posted: February 5th, 2016, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC
You're Robert Newcomer??


Yep.


Quoted from DanC
My advice to you, know the Raft inside and out.


I disagree.  I am intentionally avoiding the story at this point.

I am aware of it -- as a big King fan myself -- but I read it many, many years ago and do not recall much apart from the basic set-up.  I've no idea how it ends.

I knew I was writing something similar at the time, but it is entirely false to say that story inspired this one.


Quoted from DanC
You do have a problem in that there are a very limited list of things that you can do


I would also disagree with you there.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
He's currently rewriting it and I'm sure it will be great.


Indeed.  It's pretty darn good, at any rate.  Much improved.  Still working on some dialogue, however, which is where I always seem to struggle the most.

I appreciate your thoughts, Dan, but we are on a completely separate page from "Raft".  Always have been.  Tone, characters, their relationships, the setting, and where the story ultimately leads all serve to render the comparison pedantic.


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