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THE GOOD: This starts off really well. The young lovers in a hospice is quite bittersweet. Then the revelation that Kate was a surgeon. And we know that horror is coming. There are some great possibilities here, and I was genuinely curious where this story would go.
THE BAD: Where this story went. There is no way these girls have the slightest clue about anything medical. There isn't an ounce of authenticity to these characters -- even if you are going for comic effect. And the ending is a disaster. I would recommend the author go back to the top of page 4, before things fall apart, and try again from there.
Definitely written by a polished writer. Very nice craftsmanship. And the initial banter/antics between Zack and Kate is quite fun. (Loved the Laura comment later: you sure he's not a transexual?) One teeny typo on page three: "burries".
One small structural/story detail: At first I thought that Kate worked at the hospice, and was horrified that she was messing around with the patients. But I figured it out soon enough. And I think there *could* be more detail on the project that Laura and Kate are working on. Okay, one can certainly figure it out - but it's pretty lax if they can switch out patients willy nilly. )) And those two items are no big at all.
It's just... for me, the story went from poignant and touching to a crazy splatterfest in the last act. That didn't work for me tonally - not to mention the fact that there's no discussion of test subjects becoming abnormally strong. Yet, Frankie was able to do what he, um, did?
So - great start. Great craftmanship. The ending just wasn't a good match. IMHO...
Cheers!
--J (W)
Oh - and "copywrite" - is that a Mary Shelley touch?
I was interested but IMO went too far off the rails - in particular to ripping off of the breast. You got this nice little quirky relationship going and ending that was just kind of like - what can I do to add horror, The ending didn't work for me.
In terms of style and pace - everything solid in that arena.
This one didn't work for me. Someone said it could be a comedy, but I don't think it was intended to be. Feels like you had the set up then just couldn't really figure out where to go with it. It had a nice lighthearted tone to start, an I actually kinda liked Zack. Reminds me of me a bit! But the end just wasn't satisfying. It might have worked if the tone wasn't so light in the beginning. Laura watching him go mad in that room was actually sort of creepy, though.
Starts good but gets worse with every page, mainly because Zack's character is not buyable for me. He doesn't seem like someone who is going to die soon and the whole script doesn't pick up that (expected) sad tone. On top of that, Zack as a person who seems to handle his near death pretty well seems to agree with the operation, which doesn't make sense either in terms of a realistic character development.
There's many more illogical stuff like that. Kate tells Laura she couldn't do this with Zack, and in the next scene they roll him into the operation room. Artifical character turns without explanation all over.
“Bold” seems like an odd description for someone who’s introduced lying on a bed of fluffy pillows.
I personally hope surgeons never high-five each other over my unconscious body. It didn’t seem like they actually did anything either. Do they celebrate every time someone almost dies?
“Dying. As usual.” is a very funny reply. I’ll just leave it at that.
“Listen, we just operated on a dead boy.” I did not catch that. His heartbeat started uneven, then got better. It should’ve been a flatline. That would be intriguing; seeing doctors operating on someone who’s flatlined, not reacting to it and then doing something to bring them to life.
I’m pretty sure if I had a bra on, it would not make my wife smile.
“ZACK: Boobies. Boobies in braas.” This is either going off the rails or it was a well disguised pisser. There’s been some humor throughout, but it’s hard to tell if it’s intentional. Even if it’s a comedy, we should know up front that it’s intentional.
Geez, why is this the hardest one to pin down so far? If this was meant to be a comedy, it’s quite good. Zack’s hidden desire is well planted and makes for an unexpected ending. But the truth is, in the beginning it doesn’t come off as intentionally funny so much as tonally confused. The parts I found humorous would mostly not translate to screen. I’d develop as a comedy and punch up the beginning.
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Frankie - OWC
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)) And those two items are no big at all. 
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