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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  S.H.E. Frankenstein - OWC
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  Author    S.H.E. Frankenstein - OWC  (currently 2797 views)
Don
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 9:19am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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S.H.E. Frankenstein by Mary Godwin - Short, Horror - When a woman enlists in a medical trial, she finds herself a disposable test subject. - pdf, format


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 10:00am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Interesting dark Sc-Fi tone.

It was reasonably well-written.

Didn't really buy the idea that they'd use a young, medical trialist for something like this. Didn't really "get" the focus on the relationship between Amhet and Fran. Maybe if Ahmet was the original Doctor and he kept her because he found her so attractive it would be a stronger piece..a story about obsession. It would also make the end stronger.

As it is, it all feels a little pointless.
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RKeller
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 12:37pm Report to Moderator
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Cover sheet
Many guide books discourage such fonts.

Pg 1
rted from the room by a
"SURGICAL TECH, mask, gloves, gown." Nice exposition.
"She cannot move her head" is implied by the last three words of the previous paragraph.  No need to say it twice.
"large needed guided into" is passive voice.  You can make it active voice by putting it in the Tech's hands.
More passive voice: "her pants are cut"  Have the pervy Tech do it, or why wouldn't she simple disrobe?
You open the blood ports twice.

Pg 2
The PRELAP at the top of the page may annoy some professional readers.  It's directing.
We HOME in...
The under-ear tattoo keeps me interested.
Amhet's opening dialogue is forced exhibition.
"...colorful wires spiderweb..." Nice verb.
"by the beauty OF his creation"
A nit: centimeters is linear measurement; you may want volume (cubic centimeters)?  Two is an insignificant number. Consider a hundred or thousand cc’s?

Pg 3
"...in front of our eyes." is prolix.  EVERYTHING on the screen is in front of our eyes, by definition.  Omit needless words.
Same comment for "jelly-like" All goo is jelly-like.
When we change the POV to Fran143, we need a SLUGLINE

Pg 4
Wow, six lines of dialoge in 30 seconds, and this one is the "best."  That's a fast evaluation.
He nods without words.  We know this because dialogue is formatted differently. You can omit "without words."  "He nods" is enough.

Pg 6
"They are all over but seem intact." -> The seem intact.  Omit needless words.
Why is the silence awkward?  It seems natural between these two at this point.

Pg 7
You explain the heart's possible location here, but she puts her hand over her heart on Pg 6.  This is unnecessary exposition.
The SLUGLINE should be BACK ALLEY
Why the confused look.  She asked to be rescued and this is it.  Hopeful look?

Pg 7
"...stares out the window through the glass."  Prolix. The last three words are not needed.  I'll stop doing noting these, but they’re a wet blanket over your script.

Pg 9
Great ironic ending.

= = = = = = = = = =
Please use active voice more.  You have great ideas that are disapprovingly under-expressed.
You tend to say the same thing in adjacent paragraphs.  Once is enough.
Some the SOUNDS need upper-case
What does Fran look like?  One of the requirements was a great makeup scene.  Is she hot?
As noted, please omit needless words.  You have cool ideas that can and should be expressed more crisply. Fewer words in active voice will propel your great plot points forward.
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ScenesUnwritten
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Kept me intrigued the entire time.

PROS: The setting was interesting, as well as, the choices made while updating Frankenstein.  I liked that they were creating a female Franken soldier.  Special Agent Stephens was wooden, but probably intended that way.  I would change SPECIAL AGENT STEPHENS to STEPHENS in the dialogue parts.  That's just me.  I like the ending and the final shot.

CONS:  The tone from the tub and "terminate her" part was inconsistent to me while reading.  At first it seemed very serious, and then fluctuated a lot.  Make the tone through that clearer.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 1:37pm Report to Moderator
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This is bold and tries to cover a complex emotional relationship between a scientist and his test subject in a short period of time. It didn’t quite work for me simply because I think the relationship needed longer to feel natural with more backstory for the characters and also about the experiment itself.

As it was I didn’t buy the experiment using medical students who get paid and sign a contract to allow themselves to be lobotomised and turned into a cyborg.

I almost bought Ahmet falling for Fran but like the movie Ex Machina it needed longer for that relationship to grow to the point Ahmet was willing to risk all for her.

Speaking of Ex Machina, the ending reminded me of the ending in that movie as well.

It was a good read, I did enjoy it and I think this could work really well outside the confines of this challenge.

Great job and a solid attempt.
-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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SAC
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 6:17am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Decent story here. Was overly descriptive in places and could use tightening. I liked how the doctor was Indian -- kinda gives an up to date version here. Nice touch. Pretty standard stuff though, and not particularly horrifying in any spots. You could have used your space to have created some tension, as this has potential to be scary if you had chosen to go this way.

What you did well was give us very good balance if emotion with Fran. She was a very sympathetic character, not just be her actions and dialogue, but more by the way Ahmet reacted to her.

The twist was predictable, but not sure it was necessary. You Gould revisit this when alls said and done.

Good job.

Steve


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IamGlenn
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 9:47am Report to Moderator
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:)

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Mary Godwin,

This one reminds me of Ex Machina. I see Mark has said that already. But as I was reading that's exactly what I was thinking. I love that movie.

So, yeah, I like this. It is quite obvious early on what's gonna happen in the end. Maybe with more time you could rework that. The writing is good most of the time. A few typos and misspellings, bit other than that, it's pretty good. Nice job.

Best of luck.

Glenn.


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khamanna
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 11:24am Report to Moderator
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I liked that a lot. THis is my favorite so far and I read about 10. Maybe more I don't know for sure. But this one is a fully fleshed story and I liked her being half robot half human - that's new.
The story is not new but it's very well written and the dialog is very good. The twist is predictable but these movies often are. Great job on this IMO.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 10:12pm Report to Moderator
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The good news...

Seems like the early reviews are relatively positive.

The not so good news...

Writing is not very good, to the point where I struggled to continue.

Passages are not broken up remotely correctly and it makes the read a real chore.

Things happen way, way too fast. By the end of page 1, it's shocking how much has happened, but I don't buy into any of it.

The bad news...

I stopped at the end of Page 1.  I didn't like anything about what I saw on the first page, including the logline, the title page, the Slugs, the writing, the characters, the most importantly, the setup.

Which leads me to a grade of...

D- (based on Page 1, but I had no interest to read any further)
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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I wish Jeff had read on. I liked it. I liked the relationship between Fran and Ahmet and super loved the "friend" dialogue from the original Frankenstein movie. Probably a little to expensive to shove a car off a cliff, but I liked that she had to kill him to be free.

Good job!


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Gum
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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A young woman signs a contract, and then has an undisclosed amount of money dumped into her account...

I'm gonna' go out on a limb here and say Meagan has agreed to be a Guinea pig for the  government?

Must be quite a bit o' dough going into that account!

I feel Meagan needs a prime catalyst stated here as to why she would do this IMO. Perhaps a loved one somewhere requiring copious amounts of cash in order to have a surgery, or the release of a political prisoner from some ungodly gulag somewhere.  Those two examples have been done to death of course, but  you get the idea... just a thought.

The draining of her life physically and metaphorically is clever and gruesome, and the gauze holding her together, stapled in place, is a disturbing visual. She is now reborn as something less human.

Ahmet, at only 20 years, might come off as a little young to be so engrossed in such radical (genetic) design, mind you, most geniuses are known to write their doctrine thesis at the age of 24-ish... so perhaps it's plausible.

I might say the immediate connection between the doctor and patient is over the top, but after 142 other (failed Fran) attempts, I could see Ahmet suffering a mild catharsis, especially if his intense psychological labour has finally come to fruition.

Not sure why Fran143 killed the one who resurrected her?

Good use of theme, solid writing, and great visuals.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
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My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) Pet peev, 'plain but pretty'
2) If someone has consented to the procedure why are they cutting her clothes?
3) Not convinced by Ahmet, seems he's fallen for her before anything happens
4) The ending didn't really work for me, too similar to Ex Machina
5) If such an experiment was done by the government I'd expect more people to be involved

Good bits:-
1) Well written, good pacing
2) Liked the interplay between the characters
3) Dark SciFi is always good!

Rules
Budget might be a stretch, not really a classic monster

Overall this was good though, I liked it a lot

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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wonkavite
Posted: October 27th, 2015, 9:09am Report to Moderator
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Spoilers:

Okay.  Overall, a good... definitely a solid and legitimate entry. Pros, cons and suggestions (IMHO) to follow:

Pros - GREAT title. Generally a good concept to riff off of - and it follows the rules of the challenge.  Plus, the banter between the Special Agent and Ahmed is pretty neat.  'You're creeping me out' and 'he didn't mean that' are stand out, in fact.

Cons: This *does* need streamlining - though the reasons for it are of course excusable due to the OWC deadline.  The descriptions are overwritten (for instance, do you have to say Meghan's immobilized completely, THEN she can't move her head?  Um, redundant.  Any passive writing should be killed (ie: no this IS.  It's got to be active.)  And on page one, there's some repetiition that should be mixed up, too.  For instance, you describe the paperwork as a 'contract' in two adjoining sentences.  Say something else.  Document. Paperwork.  Forms.  Etc.  And no camera directions, either.  WE don't 'hone in on the sound'.  You can just describe the sound directly.  Mind you, these are all just stylistic things that can be polished and should be smoothed out (IMO).

Typo: Page 5 - Lower your core (period)

General musing: just a *bit* expensive to shoot, though that's not a deal killer.

Story recommendations: A few things I think need to be tweaked to realize all the potential it has.  More poignant bonding between Fran and Ahmed to justify HIS actions.  What the heck happened to Meghan?  And finally - you have to clarify why Fran does what she does at the end!

My five cents.  But a story that IS worthy of the polishing!  
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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 27th, 2015, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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Love the title. Can tell the author of this one loved Ex Machina.

Surprised some bailed on the first page...thought it was written pretty well and felt at least there was some relationship between the characters in this story.

Good job. Writer.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 3:35am Report to Moderator
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Mary Godwin (Shelley). I do wonder what the S.H.E stands for in the title. The logline is complete shite. She finds herself a test subject? So what? Who is this test subject, what is the point to their existence. It's all well and good being found, but there must be a point to it.

BTW, I've deliberately misinterpreted your logline to show you how easily it can be misinterpreted because of the way it is written. I'm not holding out much hope for your story now.

Code

A hand guides a pen as a contract is signed. MEAGAN FLOWERS,
20’s, plain but pretty, slides the contract across the table
to a DOCTOR sitting across from her. 



It's not a terrible first action block, but it is bad. So, I get the poor logline and now a poor first action block. The first sentence is bad. A hand guides a pen as a contract is signed. Is it a man's hand? A woman? A midget? A creature from the black lagoon?

Plain but pretty, but of course she is. So plain, her hand could even be that of a man's. No difference.

The word 'across' used twice. The second one could easily have been switched out for 'opposite'.

How many times are you going to tell me that she's paralysed? 3 times so far in 3 action blocks.

Code

AHMET
She has two centimeters more brain
matter from the host. I believe she
is the one. 



What is that supposed to mean? When talking about brain, wouldn't volume measurements be used? Centimetres are used to measure length. Also, centimetres? Couldn't you research something more scientific?

Where does the second sentence come from? What does it matter what 'he believes'? He's supposed to be a scientist.

At page 3 and tempted to put this down. I thought Deus Ex Machina was OK, but a mere poor copy of The Island of Dr Moreau. I see you prefer the former so much you want to mimic it. Bad choice.

Code

Ahmet rushes over and restrains her best he can. 



Restrains her best he can. What's a best he can? Can anyone own a best he can? Even if I do put in your missing word for you, you should still explain exactly what he does in a visual way. Telling us he restrains her isn't good enough.

Code

Her eyes fling open. Her view fills with Ahmet’s worried
face. She relaxes.



Bad sentence structure again.

Page 3... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I really want to put this shit down. I can't stand reading this blatant rip off.


Code

He is taken aback. Pauses not sure what to say then chuckles
anxiously nodding. A tear of joy rolls down his face.



That's it. I'm done.

2 out of 10.
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