Like most I'm old fashioned. I like flares and sitting by the fire with the dog. I also like title pages to not have fancy fonts on them. It just puts the heckles up of dusty old tossers like me who should get out more.

Interesting start. One of the best starts in this OWC that I've so far read. Apart from mine, of course.

I quite enjoyed this. There's the odd typo, but they're few and far between, thankfully.

It reminded me a bit too much of Ex Machina.

Good end though. Didn't quite get the Frankie angle. But I don't care. So there.

Kept a tension going throughout. Quite enjoyable.

R

Had I not just watched Ex Machina I might have been a little more delighted with the ending.

Not sure that you needed the opening with the internist - maybe I just got confused, but the story would play out just as well without the first two pages.

Some parts were solid and well paced, others left me wanting to move forward.

Fran, not Frankenstein.

THE GOOD:  The opening scene actually had me a bit queasy, but then, it didn't seem to be all that important later.  The main story is affecting, even if the cheese is layered on a bit thick with some of the dialogue.  I did buy into the affection between these two, however, which made for an effective conclusion to this story.    

THE BAD:  This really could have been proofed better.  The numerous errors are a disservice to your story. Special Agent Stephens -- is it really necessary to type his full name every time -- makes for a pretty lame bad guy.  Always wanting to "Terminate!" for no particular reason that I could discern.  Give him some actual motivations for his opinions, introduce some gray area, and the story will be improved -- particularly because Stephens' suspicions are justified in the end.  That's what I would do, anyway.      

bert's grade:  B  

The reason this stands out from some is that it had relationship and emotion.

A triangle with stephens added to the conflict and tension. A good basis.

When they left The clinic I would have put money on a similar ending. I think you need to find a more ironic or interesting twist, like she takes over and burns the place down, stopping more of them etc

Writing needs a polish, but so do many.

For budget purposes, I would keep in the clinic and find an angle on the relationship.

Sound effort.

Ha. I don’t know what’s going on in the first scene, but it’s sketchy as hell

There’s a lack of tension or building of suspense in the next scene. If you didn’t mention her reactions, I would think this was exactly what she signed up for. What did she think would happen? Also, those pills work really fast.

It seems nitpicky, but the more I think about it the more trouble I have with Agent Stephenson ordering immediate termination. How easy is Fran to make that you wouldn’t try to save the one already made versus starting from scratch? Maybe the real issue is I have no idea what they’re doing? What’s the test and how do we know it’s failed?

Pretty good story here. I wonder if the question of whether or not Fran can feel real emotions could be set-up earlier. I suppose it’s elluded to in the whole ‘robot vs. SHE’ exchange, but it should maybe have a finer point since the twist revolves around it.

Overall, a pretty good entry in the challenge.

S.H.E. FRANKENSTEIN

One of my favorite titles.

P1 The way you describe extensively here comes around very literary, even if you got a lot short sentences. In the second scene, there you have a lot of paragraphs where you go just with He or Her. Try to break that up and call their names too because you drag me closer to the characters as I should be imo. Her arms, her eyes, her this and her that. I usually stay with the shot I visualize the scene in my head, but you drag me closer with that style, as in a book.

I see that you changed that from p2 on. Reads a lot better and produces clearer pictures, and with that, visual impressions.

"He google searches on his iPhone. Glances up at her."

This topic is off imo; better leave it out

A bit of 5th element vibe – great

BAM! CRASH! BOOM!

I'm not sure if this script doesn't deserve a better ending. Even though I find it cool in some ways as it is now.

Also, I'm not sure if the scientific stuff that changes her is displayed in an intriguing way (yet) that justifies the screening entirely

plus her motive money didn't felt believable (maybe think about to get in later and let her be a lab rat without any Background, and flesh out why Ahmet needs that relationship instead)

the tale itself, of a man saving a test object felt very well thought out and articulated.

Good job. Keep it going.

Not bad. A more sci-fi take on the challenge, where's the horror?

Your dialogue is all a bit stiff. I know it's an unnatural situation, but I never quite got a handle on the way Fran143 spoke. She's up and running with complete sentences pretty much immediately, but you pitch it unsteadily between 'regular' talk and 'look I'm not a normal person' talk. This line, for instance:

Quoted Text FRAN143 I'm crying. But there are no tears. However, it still hurts so much.

It's just not quite working for me. Needs another look. The same is true of Ahmet's dialogue, for instance:

Quoted Text AHMET Well, yes, but I could lose my job. Even be imprisoned. This is government, you are government...

I always feel nervous doing this as it's usually not the case, but am I right in guessing the writer isn't a native English speaker? That might explain why the dialogue doesn't quite flow yet... just something to keep an eye on.

Characters were ok but not really developed. Meagan is generic 'opening sequence' fodder, which is fine but might have made sense to have a few more lines setting up why she's there, etc - you have the space. Otherwise she's just too fleeting to care about. I never quite got a sense of who Ahmet WAS - why did he fall for Fran143 so quickly? Was he there in the lab out of choice, and what was he hoping to achieve from the project? Stephens is a stock 'government suit', I got no sense of his motivations or personality at all, really. Fran143 was fine, but we've seen that type of 'newborn not-quite-human' many times before.

In terms of the writing: Typos here and there, but those are easily caught with a proof read. You probably only need STEPHENS for his character headings, you've established who he is in his intro (a point on those, aimed at everyone as much as you: why is Meagan, and by extension Fran143, 'plain but pretty', but no male characters described in terms of their attractiveness or otherwise?). I had to read a few parts more than once to fully unpick what was going on, particularly in the first few pages. Two montages might be a bit much for a ten page script.

On the whole, this really does feel like a first draft. If you go back, punch everything up - the characters and their motivations, the dialogue, add more to the story. Two montages and an abrupt ending make me think you currently have a sketched outline of the whole story you want to tell. Go back and flesh out the details.

One final note: I haven't got around to watching Ex Machina yet - it's about to be made available on streaming services, but glancing at other comments I fear the ending may now be spoiled for me.

Quoted from JonnyBoy I always feel nervous doing this as it's usually not the case, but am I right in guessing the writer isn't a native English speaker?

You are not correct, and the writer is not going to be happy hearing this.

The writer doesn't get mad silly....she gets even. Now where's my magic wand??? *s*