Generally well written and a good twist on the traditional story

I think this is one of those ideas that could really fly and you could pull back the costs of it being filmed

One of my fav's so far but does need some work - as if most don't anyway

Getting the obvious out of the way - it's too long. Which IS sort of cheating, cos I'm sure we'd all have appreciated a couple of extra pages. So that's a bit annoying.

BUT - biker werewolves, very cool concept. Well written, clever ideas throughout. The sexy 15 year old was...problematic? But all of the characters felt real and thought through.

One thing I DIDN'T like was the randomness of the bottle cutting the tyre. Felt a bit manufactured, if that makes sense? Like you just pulled something out of your Obstacle Toolbox, something completely arbitrary, rather than putting the protag in a situation where he had to make a difficult choice that arose organically from the story. There was just something a bit unsatisfying about the way it currently plays out.

I also wonder if cutting back to increasingly hairy men might come off as comical onscreen? Easily spoofable - random clumps of hair stuck to their face, like someone's been scraping the floor of a hairdressers'. I get what you were doing, but it might come across as funny.

Final point: the Riding Hoods is a great name, but also having a version of Little Red Riding Hood complicates things a bit. Wouldn't that make the Riding Hoods the equivalent of the woodsman?

So, yes: very good writing and characters, cool concept (which I would be interested in a longer version of), but I'll be disappointed if it wins Writers' Choice as you ignored the page limit, which is basically cheating. So both well done, and boo.

EDIT: I know in the long run 'good script' trumps 'stringently abiding by the rules', but is a Grimm's fairytale a classic MOVIE monster? Then again, Frankenstein and Dracula were originally novels, too, so by that logic very little would actually count. Which classic monsters made their debut on the silver screen?

SECOND EDIT: The more I think about it, the more I think you'd do well with an action-horror feature called The Riding Hoods that crosses bikers with werewolves. Nails that 'pre-existing IP with a twist' formula Hollywood loves, as laid out in this Scriptshadow post: http://scriptshadow.net/screen.....screenplay-100-fold/. This could be shot as a proof of concept to raise interest and get the script optioned, as has been done recently with the scripts listed at http://www.premiumbeat.com/blog/8-great-proof-of-concept-films-that-got-picked-up-by-hollywood/ (two examples embedded below, both cool little films made with a view to a larger sale). Worth considering!

Jonny boy - fair point on the page count. It's one of those things that does need to be considered

I didn't think of this as a Grimm fairytale. I thought of it as a werewolf story with Little Red Riding Hood weaved into it.

I like the idea of the bikers being werewolves. A lot of bikers kind of look like they are, even when the moon is not out.  

I think we need to know more about Gwen's life and how she ends up going there. Also need to know why Lonnie decides to spare her. Wouldn't take up a lot of space to explore that...would add more space though, but maybe after the OWC.

I enjoyed the read.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I didn't think of this as a Grimm fairytale. I thought of it as a werewolf story with Little Red Riding Hood weaved into it.

Maybe. I guess just with the Gwen character, a reference to her Grandma, the girl and the wolf in the forest... for me it felt like the primary DNA was the Grimm story, with werewolves the added ingredient.

But po-tayto, po-tahto.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I like the idea of the bikers being werewolves. A lot of bikers kind of look like they are, even when the moon is not out.

I second that ...I've seen so many bikers that already look like WERE!!!!!

My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) Dont think repeating the intro at the end is needed, bloats the script,
2)  How do we know they are silver bullets?

Good bits:-
1) Well set up
2) Some of the dialogue is very good
3) Liked how it was paced

Rules
Well, it's over page count, but rest is okay

Overall this was well written and I liked it

Anthony

Pretty good.

I'm no fan of the ending being previewed at the beginning.  Why keep watching if you know how it will end?  I prefer surprise.  And it's not suspenseful because the audience is not in a superior position.

The mix of riding hood and werewolf is entertaining.  And a bit of setup for the ending (rules) would be in order.  We should know that he is violating the rules by letting her go.  

Some rewriting and a passable story.

best
Richard

The good news...

Pretty well written and thought out.  Nice that you wrote a unique take on this challenge.

Story is engaging and I was really looking forward to seeing how it all played out (even though I already knew based on the opening).

The not so good news...

...but it didn't really play out anywhere near how I hoped it would.  You had multiple opportunities to really kick this up, and for some reason, you chose not to.

Some of the transformation scenes were hokey, and probably should be left out.

You should watch out for action/description lines that you throw in between dialogue that start with a subject and include a contraction, as it doesn't read well, and many or all of these are tells or throwaway lines.

Lots of repetition that is completely unnecessary and adds to the page count, while adding nothing and reading poorly.

The bad news...

Obviously, the biggie is missing the page count limitations by a page and a third - and in reality, there's absolutely no reason for this, as you decided to start with the end and that took up an entire page of its own.  The other extra 1/3 page is so easily edited down to nothing.  It's as if you didn't even try to meet the requirements, but then again, I remember a fairly recent OWC in which I just assumed it was a 12 page limitation and when I realized my error, I had to cut 2 pages out, which destroyed the entire script - but at least I did it and came in at the required page count.

Your choice to open with the ending is a bad one, IMO.  Really no reason for this that I can see, as it actually takes away from the tension and even the wonderment  of what will follow and how things will end up.

Dialogue from the bikers didn't ring remotely true to me.

Which leads me to a grade of...

B (if you had made the page requirement)

D (because you didn't even try to make the page requirement)

Loved the way you  handled the connections between the first and last scenes.

IMO, too long - good have been half the length.

Gwen's dialogue and the interchange after the would be wolf asks her to tie her up was unrealistic - she's looking at death and acting flippant - it took me off the rails.

Solid format and style.

Don's been good to you...
I had to cut n cut, and it wasn't as great as it could have been. I'll stop whining now.

Lonnie notices something’s wrong. I'd just write: Lonnie stops the bike, the bike veers off balance, he screeches to a halt etc., cause generally when you have a flat tyre, there's wild veering all over the road, struggling to stay in your seat especially on a bike, I'd imagine etc. - more than just: 'notices something'.

You have the potential to make this really good. The strength at the moment is in the opening and closing and your visuals.

Minor stuff: take or leave.

A few hairs has sprouted.    have sprouted
Hair on his forearms jut out    juts

Hmm, I don't understand anything about the girl's motivation for being there in the first place. And it didn't seem like she'd got off track accidentally. It appeared as if she'd made this trek before. She's not real smart either, is she? Not that a lot of fifteen year olds are, but I failed to see anything of motivation with her character.

I suggest that perhaps instead of just being 'starved for attention' she's dumped by the side of the road by her boyfriend, or Grandma - or she's lost - perhaps she went walking and took a wrong turn. It'd be much more interesting imh if she had no choice but to be there, and is then stranded amongst this bunch of weirdos, and desperate to get home.

She's sent packing with a murderer and rapist? What felonies are the others guilty of?   Perhaps Lonnie's crime could have been revealed a bit more cleverly and interweaved into the plot more, not just telling us upfront but to build the suspense.

And she's modest all of sudden but wasn't concerned before in a bar full of bikies?

Almost animal-like sounds.     I'd do away with the 'almost'.

Each one of the bikers, go inside their own cage.    goes inside their own cage, or: enters their own cage

You certainly don't need this big ol' tell.
They are animals...contained for everyone’s safety.

I think, as I said above, I think you could have done more with how Gwen finds herself in this predicament, than just dump her in the location.

You write visually, and the story flew by, and the top n tail was v.nicely done.

More fancy fonts. Seems to be a growing trend and spreading. Like a rash. Reminds me, must nip down to my local apothecary later.

Formerly known as Creed, I think I like that title.

First I've heard of the weaver stance. I like that too.

five pages in and it's going alright. But there doesn't seem to be a whole lot going on. Although now I do have the image of a young Rik Mayall in a strange pub in the country in my head.

Some strange comma use going on. But apart from that it seems error free. Which is nice.

I think werewolves are a bit more than what's described here. But overall it's not a bad idea. Like plenty, it needs work.

R

There’s a lot of creativity in this one with the references to Little Red Riding Hood and werewolf lore, and it’s a pretty solid story all around. I almost think you could expand this into a true retelling of Little Red Riding Hood, by having one of the Hoods decide they need to deal with Gwen and racing to Grandma’s house to ambush her.

I think the story could have more power though if we knew what Lonnie was sacrificing by letting her go. As it plays it just seems practical, but if we knew he was sentencing himself to die, the event would be more meaningful. You could build a bit more connection between him and Gwen as well so that we buy he’s willing to die to save her.

Overall this is very good and a great creative take on the challenge, but I do feel like there’s more that could be mined from the characters.

started to read it but thought, nope we all had to deal with the page count so....bye bye

THE RIDING HOODS' CREED

I wouldn't trouble myself with the page length. 1 and a half page more is better than most who stuffed things in up to the very last line on page 10.

"In extreme slow motion, six silver bullets hurl towards
Lonnie."
A good effect for your script?? I'll see... in the payoff I guess.
A very good page-turner it is, of course.

"GWEN
No. My cousin used to tie me up
when I was young."

Dialogue pieces as the above don't fit.

It's good but it's not enough nor does it belong to the short play section, concept-wise. The cast f.i. is too big imo. This all reads more like parts of a feature development to me.

It was pretty entertaining nonetheless.

@story: didn't see Gwen's reason/motive to join the bar generally; perhaps I read over it somewhere, and I also think it is not that important, since you kept my attention- just saying. Dialogues could be cut a fair bit, especially those between Lonnie and Gwen. The tone would be better and more consistent imo. The action is darker than what they talk. Yeah, this explains it from my side.