Writer,

Great script. Very well written. The tension builds expertly, the dialogue realistic. Everything very smooth. Wasn't gonna read this because its over the page limit, but I'm glad I did. If this wasn't over the limit it'd definitely be in my top five. Great work!

Steve

Writer - when/if you'd like, please contact me about this script?  Thanks!  (Your identity will stay anonymous, of course!)  

--J (W)

After so many regulars have said they like this and even Janet is keen to feature this on Shooting The Shorts, I thought I’d best read it again to see if I was just out of the zone when I read it.

It still seems quite an expensive shoot but I do get Gwen a bit more now. She’s a kid, lost her parents and she’s after attention. However, she seems obsessively self-destructive just for the convenience of the story which makes her character quite one-dimensional.  She doesn’t react naturally to the danger she places herself in. There’s a moment in the bar where she briefly does, which is great, but then back on the bike she reverts. With a few tweaks she could be fleshed out more.  For example if we knew why she was doing this, on this night out of all the nights she could rebel, it may help. If she does show a more vulnerable, scared side, this would make Lonnie’s attempts to protect her more natural.

The setup though still doesn’t make sense for me. Their first rule is not to let anyone know their true nature. Yet there they are, hanging around in a public bar less than an hour before they are due to transform. True it is in a remote area but if they were that concerned it would be a private affair, not an open bar anyone could walk into.

They let Lonnie take her home, which is quite noble and honourable of them, but with just 45 minutes left to get in the cages (and presumably secure the bar) it is quite risky. Harry mentions everyone there has committed a felony, Lonnie admits he has raped and killed. Their creed says they can’t let anyone know their true nature, so why risk everything for this stranger who’s the most obvious ‘begging for it’ victim ever?  Why not have some fun, put her in the cages and do what comes to them naturally?

Lonnie lets her go, despite her discovering their secret and despite knowing it signals his death. Again his actions seem to go against the suggested nature of the Biker/Werewolf gang, so what changed him from being a rapist/killer to someone willing to risk his life and risk exposing his entire pack for?

Has he fell in love with her, does she remind him of someone, is he seeking redemption? I have no idea and because of that I don’t believe his actions or that of his gang. It’s full of contradictions.

I suppose this one is if you buy into the premise it really works, it doesn’t for me even on the second read but it is very well written, easy to understand and visually it would work a treat it you could film all these elements.

-Mark

Quoted from MarkRenshaw I do get Gwen a bit more now. She’s a kid, lost her parents and she’s after attention. However, she seems obsessively self-destructive just for the convenience of the story which makes her character quite one-dimensional.  She doesn’t react naturally to the danger she places herself in.

Hormone ridden teenage girls with a bad home situation, will do some very very stupid illogical things. I know this for a fact.

It doesn't say she used to live happily in suburbia with her parents and then they died in a tragic event. She says, they aren't around. She lives with her grandmother in a trailer park. It seems more likely to me that the parents are off doing their own stupid bad things.

This does need a rewrite, but IMHO, Gwen's actions are not that bizarre.  

Quoted from Grandma Bear Hormone ridden teenage girls with a bad home situation, will do some very very stupid illogical things. I know this for a fact. It doesn't say she used to live happily in suburbia with her parents and then they died in a tragic event. She says, they aren't around. She lives with her grandmother in a trailer park. It seems more likely to me that the parents are off doing their own stupid bad things. This does need a rewrite, but IMHO, Gwen's actions are not that bizarre.

Yeah I do get her a bit more but I do think she is a bit....bizarre. She tries to take her clothes off in a bar full of bikers to prove 'she's not a kid' and she's not even drunk!

Quoted from MarkRenshaw She tries to take her clothes off in a bar full of bikers to prove 'she's not a kid' and she's not even drunk!

Where do I find a girl like this?  

In your basement Jeff???

Quoted from Dreamscale Where do I find a girl...

There's a program in my country called The Undateables... I really think they could help you out. Here's a link to their website.


http://www.channel4.com/programmes/the-undateables

Thank me when you're married.

Quoted from DustinBowcot There's a program in my country called The Undateables... I really think they could help you out. Here's a link to their website. http://www.channel4.com/programmes/the-undateables Thank me when you're married.

Not taking sides, but it's time this cooled off a bit. Simply scripts should be first about writing.

Go and post about writing then... why waste valuable minutes reading and posting here when you could be posting about writing somewhere else? Get off your preaching box and lead by example.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Go and post about writing then... why waste valuable minutes reading and posting here when you could be posting about writing somewhere else? Get off your preaching box and lead by example.

Here's my writing - shut up troll.

I'm out.

Ps I was thinking about Don's site and his request for conduct by all. Again, not just pointing at you, so don't take it so.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Here's my writing - shut up troll. I'm out. Ps I was thinking about Don's site and his request for conduct by all. Again, not just pointing at you, so don't take it so.

You're still here, pointing your finger. Now stooping to insults. This doesn't have anything to do with you. If you don't like a post then report it and it will be removed if deemed inappropriate.

Jeff and I often trade harmless banter.. and it stays harmless until somebody else feels the need to get involved. Like now. It goes from a joke, to something serious.

So you know what to do if you don't like something I post from now on. It'll save the drama. I'm also very aggrieved at that insult... but it's nice to know what you really think. I'd throw an insult back, but I would doubtless be the bad guy if I did.

SO obviously Pia. Which is good btw, it's important to have a distinctive 'voice'.

I do think you have a decent concept for a feature here, if you wanted to expand on it. I'd be interested in hearing more about the mythology of a gang of werewolf bikers, very fertile ground. Great job.

Thanks Jon. People don't always like what I write, but a lot of people tell me I have a "voice". I don't really see it myself, but I think that's probably a good thing to have.  

I will get around to commenting here over the weekend.

I was actually surprised so many people mentioned this could be turned into a feature. I didn't think of it like that when I wrote it. I'll definitely keep that in the back of my head though, in case I ever run out of ideas.

Pia, great script and I agree this has feature potential. Could be quiet an interesting take on the werewolf