I didn't know this was Pia. It got a consider from me and would have got a rec had there been more of a relationship with the Little Red Riding Hood story. More clever nods and winks. A lot to ask from a week's work but there's the framework for an excellent story here.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Hormone ridden teenage girls with a bad home situation, will do some very very stupid illogical things. I know this for a fact. It doesn't say she used to live happily in suburbia with her parents and then they died in a tragic event. She says, they aren't around. She lives with her grandmother in a trailer park. It seems more likely to me that the parents are off doing their own stupid bad things. This does need a rewrite, but IMHO, Gwen's actions are not that bizarre.

It's that inconsistent characterisation thing I mentioned in regards to Two Psychos, again.

It's fine if she's that kind of tough (or wannabe tough) kid from an abused home...but in that case, she should order a whiskey, not a water.

When she orders water, she instantly appears to be some sweet innocent. That part feels strange.

In my opinion, a pro script would open with a brief interlude showing us where the girl is coming from, and what her life is like and would cut the opening you have (which others have said reduces the tension as it gives the ending away).

This would help improve audience sympathy with the girl, develop her character, and would then also stiffen the middle and end as the audience would be more concerned with whether she'll make it or not.

Will get back to the rest of the comments later. I'm in a rush as I have a lot of chores, including raking before the Gator game starts.  

Just wanted to say that young girls like this go from fancying themselves as grown women to reverting back to a kid in a heartbeat. IMO, it's not an inconsistency in her character. That is a fifteen year old for you. Totally flippy and unpredictable.

Btw, I was going to do more of an extensive rewrite, but Janet liked it pretty much as is, so I only made some minor changes.  

So, I was going to go through all this and make individual comments, but when I started to read through this thread, I decided there were too many and would take me a long time. Can I just say thank you all? I do appreciate the reads and I also have an idea what I would do with this in a rewrite. I also think it's interesting that so many felt it would make for an interesting feature. I'll have to keep that idea stored in the back of my head. Let it brew for awhile. Sometimes feature length ideas just tend to build on their own if left alone.

Quoted from bert bert's grade:  (With appropriate deductions for length) C

My only gripe. I have only one thing to say about this, I hope you will go out on the boat with Dena and me...  

You can do whatever you want Pia. It's your thread lol. If u do decide on a feature, I can't wait to read it. No pressure.

Gabe

So I’m watching Supernatural last night. It’s season 10, episode 4 titled ‘Paper Moon’. It opens with a biker bar near a forest and some young, hot chick walks in, everyone notices her. There’s even "Werewolves of London" by Warren Zevon playing in the background. I’m thinking, “This could be the opening of The Riding Hood’s Creed!”

The twist is though she’s the Werewolf and the bikers are her next meal but it got me thinking, that could be a neat twist. What if it’s all an initiation ceremony? What if Gwen is a Werewolf and Lonnie a new member of the pack who’s being tested and he fails?

Just food for thought!

Quoted from Grandma Bear My only gripe...

Ha!  This got one of my recommends, so quit your whining.  As I explained earlier, deductions for length were significant indeed, so in truth, this is far better than C-work.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I hope you will go out on the boat with Dena and me...

I would follow you anywhere...

Mark,

that sounds pretty cool. Is it on Netflix or a current TV show? I'll check it out. Interesting idea though. A story is starting to form in the back of my head for a feature. We'll see what happens with that. I have pretty much promised to quit screenwriting at the end of the year and only write stuff that interests me. Not to try to get it produced. So, who knows.

Btw, this story came about when I was watching The Raven on TV, again. I decided to give Poe another try. I looked up some of his work and started reading, but I just cannot get into that man's writing. I find it a chore to read his writing. Too bad, because everyone tells me I should love his stuff. It's just my type of stories. But, I can't. So, I read An Occurrence On Owl Creek Bridge by Ambrose Bierce instead and I just LOVED how it started out on that bridge. Then things grew from there. I asjked my husband what he would call a biker gang with werewolves and he came up with The Riding Hoods. Then, he kept singing Sam the sham and the Pharaohs' song the rest of the day and Little Red Ridinghood got weaved into the story. Weird how some stories come about sometimes.


Bert, be very afraid. We've got our sights on you...

Apprently season 10 of Supernatural is now available on Netflix but I watched it on a 'normal' TV channel called Sky Living UK.

Interesting about Poe, I do love his style but I'm really into 19th Century literature. It is rather heavy going so I can understand it not working for everyone.

It's amazing how these stories come about isn't it? Loads of little things weave together seemingly at random but I think there's a pattern and a reason for it all...I sense a story coming on!

Best of luck with any further drafts of this and with the passion writing. I totally get the not writing to be produced angle. When I write with a 'producers' head on I really hold back. When I don't, when I just let my imagination free it's so much more liberating and fulfilling.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Bert, be very afraid. We've got our sights on you...

This has been optioned.

- Don

Congrats, Pia.

Super duper congrats on this Pia

Well done. Good luck with the production.

Congrats - looking for to seeing it