The Riding Hoods' Creed by P.H. Cook writing as Lycan Thrope - Short, Horror - A troubled young girl, desperate for attention, enters a biker bar and gets a night full of horror. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Obviously too long, so fails the challenge.

SPOILERS:

That aside, it's a nice story. Kind of reminds me of Dusk Till Dawn, but with Werewolves. I was with you all the way to the end. It felt a little weak that he would break the club's rules for that girl and then willingly face death from his peers. You'd have to sell his reasons for being willing to die for her a lot better than you have done. It's a big ask, imo.

The writing and the general tone were impressive. Easily the best of the first batch, despite the length. Just that ending that falls a little flat.

Easy read, but I didn't buy the story.

- A 15 y.o. walking to a biker's bar in the first place seems unrealistic, why would a 15 y.o. do that?
- Those guys tell her they commited murders and what not, and their first concern is she isn't 21 and thus not allowed in a bar?
- And then they even decide to drive her home?

This is too long.  Perhaps you will grow weary of people pointing this out to you.  Your own fault, that.

THE GOOD:  Bookending this with the scene on the bridge is an effective device.  Co-opting the legend of Red Riding Hood is also a good, interesting choice that serves the story well.  The scene with the cages is a good one, too.  The writing is clean and easy to follow.

THE BAD:  I found Gwen inconsistent as a character, and on a few occasions she even strained the bonds of credulity.  This honor code of theirs also seemed a bit odd, and perhaps it is just the horror guy in me, but I would have preferred that they meted out justice on Lonnie for ripping the poor, misguided girl to shreds.  The imagery at the end is far too overt, and feels unearned.  Apply such iconography with caution.

bert's grade:  (With appropriate deductions for length) C

Um, the requirements were clear: up to ten pages.

Pg 1
Weaver is a proper noun.

Pg 2
Music BLARES. (Isn't this sound direction?)

Pg 3
Booker's more logical action is to call the cops himself, but that probably won't serve the plot.
I'm not supposed to watch 15yo girls disrobing, yet here it is...
Harry says, "We're not the finest society has to offer."  Is his tough guy or a college prof?

Pg 4
Okay, now Harry drops the F-bomb.  We're rolling.
You kinda beat us over the head with the ticking eleven o'clock deadline.
Forty-five minutes to go ten miles on a motorcycle?

Pg 5
She was struggling to stay a moment ago, but now she's freely riding a Hog?
A few hairs HAVE sprouted. Subject-verb agreement.
Why is she concerned about the bike?  How did she originally traverse the five miles to get to the biker bar?
peaks -> peeks
Again, I ain't supposed to be concerned about underage girls and what they wear, but did Gwen ever re-button her skirt.  It's kinda important.

Pg 6
Again, if this is a short cut, why is Gwen complaining.  She must know this area, right?
Hair...juts.  Subject-verb agreement.
Now you got me looking up her skirt.  I feel dirty.
He's growing a beard at warp-speed and she's fondling her calf.  She must really like hairy men!

Pg 7
Ah, she did manage to reassemble her skirt.

Pg 8
BDSM for ten year olds. Not sure how to react.

Pg 10
Gwen saying "werewolf" is forced exposition.
She kicks off her shoes.  Interesting.

Pg 11
Stopped reading.

= = = = =
Good job integrating werewolves with Riding Hood, including Gwen’s not the protagonist.
How Gwen got to the bar is important.
Overall, though, this was a fun script to read, even though I’m reluctant to reveal that because you have a minor doing adult things.

This was an enjoyable read that flowed quite nicely.  

PROS:  I liked the what you did with Little Red Riding hood.  I liked all the characters and the descriptions were well written, I never was confused.  I like the characters, and I even liked that  Gwen was 15. I find it believable that she was 15.  A 15-year-old would try this.

CONS:  This isn't really low budget in my mind, with the creature effects and the slow motion bullets.  Although, I could be wrong maybe someone could do those on the cheap.  I was a little confused about Gwen being nervous after he said, rape.  Before that she seemed a little more in the know, but maybe your trying to show how really naive she is.  If that's the case, it wasn't that clear.  Too long.

Nice one!

This is the 2nd story I’ve read and the 2nd Werewolf based one. Is this going to be the most popular theme? Time will tell!

The Red Riding Hoods, I like that biker gang name! Very apt.

Ah I see, this is a Red Riding Hood tale, it’s very obvious and thick.

The script is easy to read but 2 pages too long for this challenge. You could cut the first scene as you repeat it later on and it serves no purpose watching the end twice.

As for the story, none of the characters felt natural. Gwen’s actions would get her raped and killed. The pack risking exposure by taking her back to grandma just as the moon is rising is daft really and then killing the guy because he let her go…well if they didn’t want to let her go why let her into the bar in the first place or why not just kill her at the start and be over with it?

There’s lots to fix in this but I do think it is salvageable as a story.

Well done for trying.

-Mark

Right off the bat, one word gets my attention. That word is  silhouetted.
Read the description of Lonnie and you'll hopefully discover why this word seems out of place.
(hint: you can't see the tattoos or the patch on his jacket with it)

No nodding, please. (p4)
No scoffs, glares or rolling eyes. either (p5) These things are meaningless actions.

Quoted Text Like a dog...or wolf.

Choose one.

A bit long, but not a bad effort overall....except for the odd,out of place bondange reference on p8.

Lycan Thrope,

I enjoyed this one. Writing was good and the story was nicely told. It's over 10 pages though and can't see this one being low budget. For these reasons it has to be a no from me as it wouldn't be fair on those that stuck to the rules.

Anyway, as I said, I enjoyed it. Really enjoyed it. The scene in the woods with Lonnie and Gwen was nicely done and you racked up the tension nicely. The ending was also nicely handled.

Good job.

Glenn.

I am really loving the title. WHY? Marketability. Take something old and well known like Little Red Riding Hood and mix in werewolves. Super smart writer!

This is good easy writing...definitely a vet here.

I love the way it opens up with mystery. Are the bullets gonna rip through him or not? That would hold me through the whole story so you started with us on the seat...good job.

The ONLY thing I would've liked to see done different is the whole flat tire thing. I know it works but if there was anything else you could put there I'd be happier just so it would feel more original.

And then OMG this is my FAVORITE part...and love the IRONY and TRAGEDY  of him not killing the girl! Make the audience all warm and fuzzy but then poor  Lonnie gets it in the end and we come full circle on the bridge.

Great tone in this story. Love biker werewolves idea. Good stuff. One of my favorites!!!

Hmm.
For the first four pages they are trying to get Gwen out. This is a bit long for me.
So the story starts on p5 I guess.

It got very interesting past p5.

I wish there was more to the girl. Why did she choose to go to the bar at night? I thought she was something too. At least she could save Lonnie or something.

It's still a very good story. I just wish there was more.

* Spoilers *

Wow.  This is the second OWC I've read (hey, things are crazy busy, so I'm rationing one per day...) I'm going in order - the first one was the rowboat, the girl and that... thing beneath the water. Plus, it's kind of nice tackling one per day. It means I can consider the scripts in depth, with meaningful responses - short though they may still be.

But so far, I'm really liking the quality of the submissions.  And this one in particular.
Beautiful professional writing here, and a great blend of two mythos - Red Riding Hood and the Wolfman.

Granted, I think the FX on this one may be difficult.  But it's a definite winner (and DEFINITELY an STS pick, if the writer says yes.)  Classy story - well done!  

Hello,

Spoilers!

Liked the fairy tale angle you did here.

I think you should definitely expand this as s feature to show why this group act this way and why Gwen is in there.

Other than that, congrats on completing the challenge.

Gabe

Definitely a unique take on the Classic Horror Monster, however, incorporating a fairytale/folklore monster (now) opens up another avenue of approach re: the theme.

Vis-à-vis: the Witch in Hansel and Gretel, or even the Bears in Goldilocks can all be portrayed as monsters in the right element, so I’m unsure if the ink rings true to the topic.

This was a great concept though, and I enjoyed the script. The visual imagery was really good IMO, and this ‘Brotherhood of the Wolf’ concept, disguised as a criminal biker club, creates a whole new set of possibilities for a feature length script.

Another thing that threw me is, you have a contradiction of morality happening. That being, all of the club members have priors (indicating a criminal mindset), yet they lock themselves up to protect society from their bloodlust?

I believe that denies them aspects of their actual creature-hood. Perhaps as punishment for revealing their secret, the lone wolf must face an angry pack (brotherhood) of Werewolves to prove his worth, or rights of survival; jaws and claws tearing at one another until there’s only one. That would be a wicked fight, IMO, set against the backdrop of a (full) Blood Moon.

Just my opinion of course, I really dig what you’ve done here though.

EDIT: I stated it might not ring true to the topic cause of the Fairytal element, but a Werewolf is a Werewolf, and that's definately a Classic Horror Monster.

I expected more. A mix of Red Riding Hood and Werewolves is an easy association to make... probably done before.. but, as such, I really expected more. Well written, but just wide of the mark for me.

6 out of 10.

Generally well written and a good twist on the traditional story

I think this is one of those ideas that could really fly and you could pull back the costs of it being filmed

One of my fav's so far but does need some work - as if most don't anyway

Getting the obvious out of the way - it's too long. Which IS sort of cheating, cos I'm sure we'd all have appreciated a couple of extra pages. So that's a bit annoying.

BUT - biker werewolves, very cool concept. Well written, clever ideas throughout. The sexy 15 year old was...problematic? But all of the characters felt real and thought through.

One thing I DIDN'T like was the randomness of the bottle cutting the tyre. Felt a bit manufactured, if that makes sense? Like you just pulled something out of your Obstacle Toolbox, something completely arbitrary, rather than putting the protag in a situation where he had to make a difficult choice that arose organically from the story. There was just something a bit unsatisfying about the way it currently plays out.

I also wonder if cutting back to increasingly hairy men might come off as comical onscreen? Easily spoofable - random clumps of hair stuck to their face, like someone's been scraping the floor of a hairdressers'. I get what you were doing, but it might come across as funny.

Final point: the Riding Hoods is a great name, but also having a version of Little Red Riding Hood complicates things a bit. Wouldn't that make the Riding Hoods the equivalent of the woodsman?

So, yes: very good writing and characters, cool concept (which I would be interested in a longer version of), but I'll be disappointed if it wins Writers' Choice as you ignored the page limit, which is basically cheating. So both well done, and boo.

EDIT: I know in the long run 'good script' trumps 'stringently abiding by the rules', but is a Grimm's fairytale a classic MOVIE monster? Then again, Frankenstein and Dracula were originally novels, too, so by that logic very little would actually count. Which classic monsters made their debut on the silver screen?

SECOND EDIT: The more I think about it, the more I think you'd do well with an action-horror feature called The Riding Hoods that crosses bikers with werewolves. Nails that 'pre-existing IP with a twist' formula Hollywood loves, as laid out in this Scriptshadow post: http://scriptshadow.net/screen.....screenplay-100-fold/. This could be shot as a proof of concept to raise interest and get the script optioned, as has been done recently with the scripts listed at http://www.premiumbeat.com/blog/8-great-proof-of-concept-films-that-got-picked-up-by-hollywood/ (two examples embedded below, both cool little films made with a view to a larger sale). Worth considering!

Jonny boy - fair point on the page count. It's one of those things that does need to be considered

I didn't think of this as a Grimm fairytale. I thought of it as a werewolf story with Little Red Riding Hood weaved into it.

I like the idea of the bikers being werewolves. A lot of bikers kind of look like they are, even when the moon is not out.  

I think we need to know more about Gwen's life and how she ends up going there. Also need to know why Lonnie decides to spare her. Wouldn't take up a lot of space to explore that...would add more space though, but maybe after the OWC.

I enjoyed the read.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I didn't think of this as a Grimm fairytale. I thought of it as a werewolf story with Little Red Riding Hood weaved into it.

Maybe. I guess just with the Gwen character, a reference to her Grandma, the girl and the wolf in the forest... for me it felt like the primary DNA was the Grimm story, with werewolves the added ingredient.

But po-tayto, po-tahto.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I like the idea of the bikers being werewolves. A lot of bikers kind of look like they are, even when the moon is not out.

I second that ...I've seen so many bikers that already look like WERE!!!!!

My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) Dont think repeating the intro at the end is needed, bloats the script,
2)  How do we know they are silver bullets?

Good bits:-
1) Well set up
2) Some of the dialogue is very good
3) Liked how it was paced

Rules
Well, it's over page count, but rest is okay

Overall this was well written and I liked it

Anthony

Pretty good.

I'm no fan of the ending being previewed at the beginning.  Why keep watching if you know how it will end?  I prefer surprise.  And it's not suspenseful because the audience is not in a superior position.

The mix of riding hood and werewolf is entertaining.  And a bit of setup for the ending (rules) would be in order.  We should know that he is violating the rules by letting her go.  

Some rewriting and a passable story.

best
Richard

The good news...

Pretty well written and thought out.  Nice that you wrote a unique take on this challenge.

Story is engaging and I was really looking forward to seeing how it all played out (even though I already knew based on the opening).

The not so good news...

...but it didn't really play out anywhere near how I hoped it would.  You had multiple opportunities to really kick this up, and for some reason, you chose not to.

Some of the transformation scenes were hokey, and probably should be left out.

You should watch out for action/description lines that you throw in between dialogue that start with a subject and include a contraction, as it doesn't read well, and many or all of these are tells or throwaway lines.

Lots of repetition that is completely unnecessary and adds to the page count, while adding nothing and reading poorly.

The bad news...

Obviously, the biggie is missing the page count limitations by a page and a third - and in reality, there's absolutely no reason for this, as you decided to start with the end and that took up an entire page of its own.  The other extra 1/3 page is so easily edited down to nothing.  It's as if you didn't even try to meet the requirements, but then again, I remember a fairly recent OWC in which I just assumed it was a 12 page limitation and when I realized my error, I had to cut 2 pages out, which destroyed the entire script - but at least I did it and came in at the required page count.

Your choice to open with the ending is a bad one, IMO.  Really no reason for this that I can see, as it actually takes away from the tension and even the wonderment  of what will follow and how things will end up.

Dialogue from the bikers didn't ring remotely true to me.

Which leads me to a grade of...

B (if you had made the page requirement)

D (because you didn't even try to make the page requirement)

Loved the way you  handled the connections between the first and last scenes.

IMO, too long - good have been half the length.

Gwen's dialogue and the interchange after the would be wolf asks her to tie her up was unrealistic - she's looking at death and acting flippant - it took me off the rails.

Solid format and style.

Don's been good to you...
I had to cut n cut, and it wasn't as great as it could have been. I'll stop whining now.

Lonnie notices something’s wrong. I'd just write: Lonnie stops the bike, the bike veers off balance, he screeches to a halt etc., cause generally when you have a flat tyre, there's wild veering all over the road, struggling to stay in your seat especially on a bike, I'd imagine etc. - more than just: 'notices something'.

You have the potential to make this really good. The strength at the moment is in the opening and closing and your visuals.

Minor stuff: take or leave.

A few hairs has sprouted.    have sprouted
Hair on his forearms jut out    juts

Hmm, I don't understand anything about the girl's motivation for being there in the first place. And it didn't seem like she'd got off track accidentally. It appeared as if she'd made this trek before. She's not real smart either, is she? Not that a lot of fifteen year olds are, but I failed to see anything of motivation with her character.

I suggest that perhaps instead of just being 'starved for attention' she's dumped by the side of the road by her boyfriend, or Grandma - or she's lost - perhaps she went walking and took a wrong turn. It'd be much more interesting imh if she had no choice but to be there, and is then stranded amongst this bunch of weirdos, and desperate to get home.

She's sent packing with a murderer and rapist? What felonies are the others guilty of?   Perhaps Lonnie's crime could have been revealed a bit more cleverly and interweaved into the plot more, not just telling us upfront but to build the suspense.

And she's modest all of sudden but wasn't concerned before in a bar full of bikies?

Almost animal-like sounds.     I'd do away with the 'almost'.

Each one of the bikers, go inside their own cage.    goes inside their own cage, or: enters their own cage

You certainly don't need this big ol' tell.
They are animals...contained for everyone’s safety.

I think, as I said above, I think you could have done more with how Gwen finds herself in this predicament, than just dump her in the location.

You write visually, and the story flew by, and the top n tail was v.nicely done.

More fancy fonts. Seems to be a growing trend and spreading. Like a rash. Reminds me, must nip down to my local apothecary later.

Formerly known as Creed, I think I like that title.

First I've heard of the weaver stance. I like that too.

five pages in and it's going alright. But there doesn't seem to be a whole lot going on. Although now I do have the image of a young Rik Mayall in a strange pub in the country in my head.

Some strange comma use going on. But apart from that it seems error free. Which is nice.

I think werewolves are a bit more than what's described here. But overall it's not a bad idea. Like plenty, it needs work.

R

There’s a lot of creativity in this one with the references to Little Red Riding Hood and werewolf lore, and it’s a pretty solid story all around. I almost think you could expand this into a true retelling of Little Red Riding Hood, by having one of the Hoods decide they need to deal with Gwen and racing to Grandma’s house to ambush her.

I think the story could have more power though if we knew what Lonnie was sacrificing by letting her go. As it plays it just seems practical, but if we knew he was sentencing himself to die, the event would be more meaningful. You could build a bit more connection between him and Gwen as well so that we buy he’s willing to die to save her.

Overall this is very good and a great creative take on the challenge, but I do feel like there’s more that could be mined from the characters.

started to read it but thought, nope we all had to deal with the page count so....bye bye

THE RIDING HOODS' CREED

I wouldn't trouble myself with the page length. 1 and a half page more is better than most who stuffed things in up to the very last line on page 10.

"In extreme slow motion, six silver bullets hurl towards
Lonnie."
A good effect for your script?? I'll see... in the payoff I guess.
A very good page-turner it is, of course.

"GWEN
No. My cousin used to tie me up
when I was young."

Dialogue pieces as the above don't fit.

It's good but it's not enough nor does it belong to the short play section, concept-wise. The cast f.i. is too big imo. This all reads more like parts of a feature development to me.

It was pretty entertaining nonetheless.

@story: didn't see Gwen's reason/motive to join the bar generally; perhaps I read over it somewhere, and I also think it is not that important, since you kept my attention- just saying. Dialogues could be cut a fair bit, especially those between Lonnie and Gwen. The tone would be better and more consistent imo. The action is darker than what they talk. Yeah, this explains it from my side.

Writer,

Great script. Very well written. The tension builds expertly, the dialogue realistic. Everything very smooth. Wasn't gonna read this because its over the page limit, but I'm glad I did. If this wasn't over the limit it'd definitely be in my top five. Great work!

Steve

Writer - when/if you'd like, please contact me about this script?  Thanks!  (Your identity will stay anonymous, of course!)  

--J (W)

After so many regulars have said they like this and even Janet is keen to feature this on Shooting The Shorts, I thought I’d best read it again to see if I was just out of the zone when I read it.

It still seems quite an expensive shoot but I do get Gwen a bit more now. She’s a kid, lost her parents and she’s after attention. However, she seems obsessively self-destructive just for the convenience of the story which makes her character quite one-dimensional.  She doesn’t react naturally to the danger she places herself in. There’s a moment in the bar where she briefly does, which is great, but then back on the bike she reverts. With a few tweaks she could be fleshed out more.  For example if we knew why she was doing this, on this night out of all the nights she could rebel, it may help. If she does show a more vulnerable, scared side, this would make Lonnie’s attempts to protect her more natural.

The setup though still doesn’t make sense for me. Their first rule is not to let anyone know their true nature. Yet there they are, hanging around in a public bar less than an hour before they are due to transform. True it is in a remote area but if they were that concerned it would be a private affair, not an open bar anyone could walk into.

They let Lonnie take her home, which is quite noble and honourable of them, but with just 45 minutes left to get in the cages (and presumably secure the bar) it is quite risky. Harry mentions everyone there has committed a felony, Lonnie admits he has raped and killed. Their creed says they can’t let anyone know their true nature, so why risk everything for this stranger who’s the most obvious ‘begging for it’ victim ever?  Why not have some fun, put her in the cages and do what comes to them naturally?

Lonnie lets her go, despite her discovering their secret and despite knowing it signals his death. Again his actions seem to go against the suggested nature of the Biker/Werewolf gang, so what changed him from being a rapist/killer to someone willing to risk his life and risk exposing his entire pack for?

Has he fell in love with her, does she remind him of someone, is he seeking redemption? I have no idea and because of that I don’t believe his actions or that of his gang. It’s full of contradictions.

I suppose this one is if you buy into the premise it really works, it doesn’t for me even on the second read but it is very well written, easy to understand and visually it would work a treat it you could film all these elements.

-Mark

Quoted from MarkRenshaw I do get Gwen a bit more now. She’s a kid, lost her parents and she’s after attention. However, she seems obsessively self-destructive just for the convenience of the story which makes her character quite one-dimensional.  She doesn’t react naturally to the danger she places herself in.

Hormone ridden teenage girls with a bad home situation, will do some very very stupid illogical things. I know this for a fact.

It doesn't say she used to live happily in suburbia with her parents and then they died in a tragic event. She says, they aren't around. She lives with her grandmother in a trailer park. It seems more likely to me that the parents are off doing their own stupid bad things.

This does need a rewrite, but IMHO, Gwen's actions are not that bizarre.  

Quoted from Grandma Bear Hormone ridden teenage girls with a bad home situation, will do some very very stupid illogical things. I know this for a fact. It doesn't say she used to live happily in suburbia with her parents and then they died in a tragic event. She says, they aren't around. She lives with her grandmother in a trailer park. It seems more likely to me that the parents are off doing their own stupid bad things. This does need a rewrite, but IMHO, Gwen's actions are not that bizarre.

Yeah I do get her a bit more but I do think she is a bit....bizarre. She tries to take her clothes off in a bar full of bikers to prove 'she's not a kid' and she's not even drunk!

Quoted from MarkRenshaw She tries to take her clothes off in a bar full of bikers to prove 'she's not a kid' and she's not even drunk!

Where do I find a girl like this?  

In your basement Jeff???

Quoted from Dreamscale Where do I find a girl...

There's a program in my country called The Undateables... I really think they could help you out. Here's a link to their website.


http://www.channel4.com/programmes/the-undateables

Thank me when you're married.

Quoted from DustinBowcot There's a program in my country called The Undateables... I really think they could help you out. Here's a link to their website. http://www.channel4.com/programmes/the-undateables Thank me when you're married.

Not taking sides, but it's time this cooled off a bit. Simply scripts should be first about writing.

Go and post about writing then... why waste valuable minutes reading and posting here when you could be posting about writing somewhere else? Get off your preaching box and lead by example.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Go and post about writing then... why waste valuable minutes reading and posting here when you could be posting about writing somewhere else? Get off your preaching box and lead by example.

Here's my writing - shut up troll.

I'm out.

Ps I was thinking about Don's site and his request for conduct by all. Again, not just pointing at you, so don't take it so.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Here's my writing - shut up troll. I'm out. Ps I was thinking about Don's site and his request for conduct by all. Again, not just pointing at you, so don't take it so.

You're still here, pointing your finger. Now stooping to insults. This doesn't have anything to do with you. If you don't like a post then report it and it will be removed if deemed inappropriate.

Jeff and I often trade harmless banter.. and it stays harmless until somebody else feels the need to get involved. Like now. It goes from a joke, to something serious.

So you know what to do if you don't like something I post from now on. It'll save the drama. I'm also very aggrieved at that insult... but it's nice to know what you really think. I'd throw an insult back, but I would doubtless be the bad guy if I did.

SO obviously Pia. Which is good btw, it's important to have a distinctive 'voice'.

I do think you have a decent concept for a feature here, if you wanted to expand on it. I'd be interested in hearing more about the mythology of a gang of werewolf bikers, very fertile ground. Great job.

Thanks Jon. People don't always like what I write, but a lot of people tell me I have a "voice". I don't really see it myself, but I think that's probably a good thing to have.  

I will get around to commenting here over the weekend.

I was actually surprised so many people mentioned this could be turned into a feature. I didn't think of it like that when I wrote it. I'll definitely keep that in the back of my head though, in case I ever run out of ideas.

Pia, great script and I agree this has feature potential. Could be quiet an interesting take on the werewolf

I didn't know this was Pia. It got a consider from me and would have got a rec had there been more of a relationship with the Little Red Riding Hood story. More clever nods and winks. A lot to ask from a week's work but there's the framework for an excellent story here.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Hormone ridden teenage girls with a bad home situation, will do some very very stupid illogical things. I know this for a fact. It doesn't say she used to live happily in suburbia with her parents and then they died in a tragic event. She says, they aren't around. She lives with her grandmother in a trailer park. It seems more likely to me that the parents are off doing their own stupid bad things. This does need a rewrite, but IMHO, Gwen's actions are not that bizarre.

It's that inconsistent characterisation thing I mentioned in regards to Two Psychos, again.

It's fine if she's that kind of tough (or wannabe tough) kid from an abused home...but in that case, she should order a whiskey, not a water.

When she orders water, she instantly appears to be some sweet innocent. That part feels strange.

In my opinion, a pro script would open with a brief interlude showing us where the girl is coming from, and what her life is like and would cut the opening you have (which others have said reduces the tension as it gives the ending away).

This would help improve audience sympathy with the girl, develop her character, and would then also stiffen the middle and end as the audience would be more concerned with whether she'll make it or not.

Will get back to the rest of the comments later. I'm in a rush as I have a lot of chores, including raking before the Gator game starts.  

Just wanted to say that young girls like this go from fancying themselves as grown women to reverting back to a kid in a heartbeat. IMO, it's not an inconsistency in her character. That is a fifteen year old for you. Totally flippy and unpredictable.

Btw, I was going to do more of an extensive rewrite, but Janet liked it pretty much as is, so I only made some minor changes.  

So, I was going to go through all this and make individual comments, but when I started to read through this thread, I decided there were too many and would take me a long time. Can I just say thank you all? I do appreciate the reads and I also have an idea what I would do with this in a rewrite. I also think it's interesting that so many felt it would make for an interesting feature. I'll have to keep that idea stored in the back of my head. Let it brew for awhile. Sometimes feature length ideas just tend to build on their own if left alone.

Quoted from bert bert's grade:  (With appropriate deductions for length) C

My only gripe. I have only one thing to say about this, I hope you will go out on the boat with Dena and me...  

You can do whatever you want Pia. It's your thread lol. If u do decide on a feature, I can't wait to read it. No pressure.

Gabe

So I’m watching Supernatural last night. It’s season 10, episode 4 titled ‘Paper Moon’. It opens with a biker bar near a forest and some young, hot chick walks in, everyone notices her. There’s even "Werewolves of London" by Warren Zevon playing in the background. I’m thinking, “This could be the opening of The Riding Hood’s Creed!”

The twist is though she’s the Werewolf and the bikers are her next meal but it got me thinking, that could be a neat twist. What if it’s all an initiation ceremony? What if Gwen is a Werewolf and Lonnie a new member of the pack who’s being tested and he fails?

Just food for thought!

Quoted from Grandma Bear My only gripe...

Ha!  This got one of my recommends, so quit your whining.  As I explained earlier, deductions for length were significant indeed, so in truth, this is far better than C-work.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I hope you will go out on the boat with Dena and me...

I would follow you anywhere...

Mark,

that sounds pretty cool. Is it on Netflix or a current TV show? I'll check it out. Interesting idea though. A story is starting to form in the back of my head for a feature. We'll see what happens with that. I have pretty much promised to quit screenwriting at the end of the year and only write stuff that interests me. Not to try to get it produced. So, who knows.

Btw, this story came about when I was watching The Raven on TV, again. I decided to give Poe another try. I looked up some of his work and started reading, but I just cannot get into that man's writing. I find it a chore to read his writing. Too bad, because everyone tells me I should love his stuff. It's just my type of stories. But, I can't. So, I read An Occurrence On Owl Creek Bridge by Ambrose Bierce instead and I just LOVED how it started out on that bridge. Then things grew from there. I asjked my husband what he would call a biker gang with werewolves and he came up with The Riding Hoods. Then, he kept singing Sam the sham and the Pharaohs' song the rest of the day and Little Red Ridinghood got weaved into the story. Weird how some stories come about sometimes.


Bert, be very afraid. We've got our sights on you...

Apprently season 10 of Supernatural is now available on Netflix but I watched it on a 'normal' TV channel called Sky Living UK.

Interesting about Poe, I do love his style but I'm really into 19th Century literature. It is rather heavy going so I can understand it not working for everyone.

It's amazing how these stories come about isn't it? Loads of little things weave together seemingly at random but I think there's a pattern and a reason for it all...I sense a story coming on!

Best of luck with any further drafts of this and with the passion writing. I totally get the not writing to be produced angle. When I write with a 'producers' head on I really hold back. When I don't, when I just let my imagination free it's so much more liberating and fulfilling.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Bert, be very afraid. We've got our sights on you...

This has been optioned.

- Don

Congrats, Pia.

Super duper congrats on this Pia

Well done. Good luck with the production.

Congrats - looking for to seeing it