I read this one last night, but waited until this morning to see if the ending made sense.  

THE GOOD:  The suspense builds well, and the imagery is effective.  Nice descriptive work, particularly with regards to Victoria's squat, little science experiment.  It is also clear the author did a bit of research, or at least knows a few things, as the scientific mumbo-jumbo grounding the story is not too far off the mark.  I always appreciate that.    

THE BAD:  It was all a dream?  That seems to be the only interpretation that makes any sense, and as endings go, they do not come much lamer.  I can envision a few other scenarios you might have been going for, but for those to work, Lyle should not be able to speak.  And yet he does.  And if you were going for something else, you made it too dense and uninterpretable.  So, great set-up, but you failed to nail the landing.

bert's grade:  B    

A mother's wish to replace her son with a frankenstein surrogate.  Could work but this one is too long and too slow.  Pick it up and give it a new ending.  Leaving it as a dream doesn't work for me.

best
Richard

I really liked the window pane scene. You did a pretty good job with the grief aspect. It seems a little unlikely that she’d be able to do all this in her basement, and that her husband wouldn’t question it, but I can go with it if the kick at the end is good enough.

The science talk gets a little long winded. I can see the need for some of it, but after a certain point no one but her understands what she’s saying.

Damn, that didn’t go well. Was Lyle just gored to death by a baby? I’d like to see some reaction from his parents during that scene. Particularly Victoria since she’s now responsible for her son’s death rather than his coma.

It seems a little awkward to me to SUPER: Twelve Months Later, but begin the next scene in a way that suggests the last scene was a dream. I'd cut out the SUPER.

Okay, so it looks like Lyle’s brain was put into the new baby’s body? Is that what the voice thing means. I’m a little confused about why the rest of Lyle doesn’t look like a horrible deformed monster than. Also, I could’ve sworn she was only creating this creature to give Lyle a new brain. Since she wasn’t creating this baby to help Lyle, why didn’t she just have a new kid the old fashion way? I'm sure Darnel would've preferred that  

I’m a little confused by all this, but with another pass or two I could see it coming together nicely.

Hmmmm.... I've got mixed emotions about this one.  

Very nice, smooth writing.  And - while it's not a unique premise - it's one that has the potential to work on many levels.  

But honestly?  I really don't get what happened.  So.... Victoria blamed herself for Lyle's coma, and created an invitro monster fetus with stem cells (cannibalizing unconscious Lyle's voicebox in the process?)  I'm not quite sure I get what happened. And I assume that the scene with the baby ripping apart Lyle is a dream?

Even if so - the ending just feels strange and incomplete to me.  

** All that said, here are some other misc. things:

- "Prepared for what exactly?" - seems a sophisticated line for a ten year old.
- It's alive - nice Frankenstein Easter egg.  
- Terrific double meaning title!
- And I agree with EWall - the window pane scene visually works well.  

Well - I love the title - killer.

I was a fan of the writing style and thought that there was a lot of solid craftsmanship here.

Parts of the dialogue were way to on the nose for me. e.g.,

Quoted Text DARNEL (V.O.) I knew never to ask what she was working on. Your mother was preeminent in the field of genetics and biochemistry. Her work was always cloaked in secrecy.

That was true for most of the dialogue explaining the Doctor's work.

I was really in it for 9 pages or so - the ending wasn't for me - too in your face and did not serve the first nine pages IMO.

Overall a good effort.

The good news...

Seems like alot of peeps like this.

The not so good news...

The writing is not good, like everyone seems to think.  Lots of problems throughout, including passages that are extremely poorly broken up.

The bad news...

I gave up and started skimming half way through the redonkulously long Flashback, which includes a Series of Shots, 2 Inserts, a MOS effect, and then, to top it all off, no actual end to the Flashback, just a SUPER to tell us it's over.

Which leads to a grade of...

C

Writer,

I liked this one. Your set up was great, brooding and tense. What appealed to me was that it deals with human emotion, the loss of  a child, a loved one -- and the lengths one will go to to keep ones memory alive... Or to rebuild it. Your ending lost me, though. I'm guessing that Lyle eventually came back from his coma, yes? After that, I was lost. Sorry. But this was a great effort, I feel, that just went a little bit astray. Kinda like Victoria's experiment. Clear it up and I think you have a very good script.

Steve

I was with this right up to the end when I got a bit lost. The set up was pretty good, although the flashback was a tad long, but it did add some suspense as to what Lyle was  going to be greeted with behind the door.

It was just the ending was a little confusing.  I'm not sure whether some of it was a dream, all of it or none of it?

Good writing and a decent effort though.

Funny fonts on the title page, doesn't usually bode well.

But, I quite enjoyed this one. It took a more interesting approach to the idea. Good premise and well written.

Some nice little touches throughout, like the hand imprint on the glass
. Managed to get the medical jargon sounding right too.

I didn't quite understand the end. Apart from that it was rather good.

R

Thanks to all who commented on this, and a special thanks that no one commented on it being: 'Ill Conceived'.

Some pretty good 'writing' and 'premise' comments throughout, so that made me happy, but apologies for the general consensus of the ending being a dud, or at least unsatisfactory. Need to work on that. Twas fun nevertheless.

Could you explain what you were going for at the end, Libs?

I thought this had a lot of potential.

I think this actually got one of my considers in the end. Because if the ending was perfect then it would have gotten a recommend. I remember the reasoning going through my mind when it came time to judge.

Nice work, Libby. One worth working on and entering a few comps with.

Hi Libby,

Thought I'd drop by with some thoughts, however, won't bang on (too long) considering you have quite a bit of (in depth) feedback in the previous comments. More than enough to get you started I would presume so... 'no reply' necessary

The overall story works, I believe, because you ended it as being a dream sequence. One thing you might consider is perhaps Lyle's state of belief, just before going comatose, is that his mother is too busy to fully engage his existence, she is somewhat disconnected and actually finds him a nuisance while she's on the phone.

This would permit Lyle's dream sequence to incorporate a certain element of resentment towards his mother's motive of (genetically) creating another child. Subtle overtones of her becoming too distracted during the experiments, by external stimuli (talking on phone, etc) that would ensure the design process was flawed. Meaning, Lyle has projected the hideous creation as a by product of his mother's inability to 'be here now' and take note of what is before her. A good analogy of course is "you don't know what you've got till it's gone."

Darnel, appearing as nothing more than a narrative, actually plays a bigger role. He is the gate keeper to Victoria's outside world, and protector of the mutated deliverance lurking in the basement. He is fully aware of Victoria's disturbing experiment (he can't not be) however, has no clue himself as to what she can or cannot do with her knowledge, or perhaps he does, and that's why he sits idle, day by day, waiting until Victoria has brought forth from her womb of dementia... a new child to love, and ultimately an end to his (Darnel's) internal suffering. I imagine Lyle could have a stronger bond with his father (as opposed to Victoria) if this was to be fleshed out to a longer story, yet he (Darnel) would most likely be more akin to a piece of furniture than a breadwinner.

That brings us to the actual creation zone, which is IMO, somewhat convoluted to be a dream sequence within a child's mind. Aspects of the lab are diabolical and creative in their own realm here, and you've definitely replicated an environment on the cutting edge of genetic design, however, may present as over the top, especially when the unravelling of this story stipulates it was the all part of Lyle's dream. Not sure you meant to, but I made a subtle connection between Lyle-Francis' alembic , and the pool Lyle nearly drown in.

The final piece, showing Victoria nursing an abomination that wants to end Lyle, was a great way to tether Lyle's psychological torment, and the fact he may harbour resentment towards his mother, that being, her appearing disconnected to him in the first scenes.

Shit, I said I wouldn't bang on. These are just my thoughts of course, another interpretation of what you wrote, and I really enjoyed reading this twisted 'Ill Conceived' tale of redemption. Great work!

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Could you explain what you were going for at the end, Libs? I thought this had a lot of potential.

You know what Rick, I think having read all the comments I'm more than a little confused myself.  

For anyone who's interested re the story: I started initially with the idea that Lyle died but ditched that cause I felt I'd seen it one too many times. I thought the coma angle could add another dimension to plot in terms of not only motivating the mother to create a replacement child with a little mixed DNA, but also with the added complication of what happens next if her own child does miraculously recover.

Btw, this story was not 'all a dream'.  I don't think you can get away with that these days, can you? I'd be embarrassed to cop out like that, even though some thought I did. Of course it's the fault of the author (me) that all was not clear.

The ending, or at least the one I finally submitted, was more about Lyle's neuroses and guilt and fear of his mother - the kid's been comatose for years. He wakes up, he's having nightmares about the story his father told him and what he thinks he saw or imagined he saw, when he visited her. It's also his mother's first day home and lo and behold she's down in the basement.

It all went a bit pear-shaped, structurally and otherwise. And, I decided there was not enough 'horror' so added some gratuitous gore (on reflection a big mistake). Then I ditched the original ending I had, which though probably more satisfying, is still not quite there yet so I'm not going to pretend it was perfect.

Thanks so much for seeing the potential with this, Rick. I really appreciate it.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I think this actually got one of my considers in the end...

Thank you too, Dustin. It really means a lot to know this.  
Oh and FYI, my smart arse author's name was meant to be an anagram of Mary Shelley but I left a letter out. Silly me.

Quoted from Rick-Canis-Asfarasiam ... The overall story works, I believe, because you ended it as being a dream sequence...

Wow, thanks for the review, Rick. Some great points you make and eruditely to boot.

Quoted from Rick Shit, I said I wouldn't bang on. ...

Seriously, I enjoyed hearing your thoughts so much. If I fix the ending and resubmit another draft I'm gonna quote some of your words to promote it. )

Wonderful pacing here. A horror, for sure, potentially losing a child...
Pulled me along, dying to know if original Lyle is going to recover.
Always particularly fond of pages that are dialogue-free -- pulled me into the story even more.
Well done.