Ill Conceived by Haley Rylms - Short, Horror - A renowned geneticist devises a plan to reunite her family following a tragic accident. - pdf, format

My thoughts:

- You shouldn't describe character down to their hair colors, leave that to the casting people.
- Lyle doesn't really sound like a 12 y.o., she speaks like an adult.
- A lengthy flashback within a 10 pg. short - not my cup of tea.
- Just realized Lyle is a boy, sounds like a girl name.

Quoted Text A bright sunny day, Lyle, 7, dive-bombs into the water, squeals with delight.

and

Quoted Text INSERT: NEWSPAPER HEADLINE Swimming Pool Accident - Five Year Old Son of Prominent Physician Comatose.

Is he seven or five years old?

Not sure a lab-breeded horror baby works as a 'classical monster'.

Interesting Frankenstein story with some potential.

Overall, I felt it was a little convoluted, and I wasn't wholly sure what actually happened at the end. Might just be me.

It would be very hard to film a twelve year old as a 7 year old, as well. Not sure how you'd work that on screen. It would be a very tough casting for sure.

I feel the real horror of the piece lies in the woman's loneliness and guilt for what happened and in trying to make this horrific creature, rather than in the gore you threw in at the end.

It also feels strange that she tries to grow a new child when Llyle is still alive. Would it work better if he was dead?

Good title.

I'm guessing this was a Frankenstein take.

I agree with the previous comments that the Flashback was a bit long for a short. I also wasn't sure if Lyle was in a coma or dead for awhile. If he was in a coma, would Victoria really try to replicate him? More believable if he was dead. However, if he was dead, where would she get all his DNA from?Do people save items like a hair brush and tooth brush for years? This was part of my confusion.

I didn't think Victoria's medical lingo sounded realistic. It sounded more like a writer who did some research.  

Not bad. Just a tad confusing at times.

A very noble effort at updating the Frankenstein tale. It required a lot of explanation to get the science across so this felt unnatural and like exposition.

The descriptions were a bit too much and I doubt this would be low budget but it’s at least an attempt to do Frankenstein with a modern twist.

You lost me towards the end, it got confusing but I think if you trimmed this back and worked on it, it could be great.

-Mark

I really like this one. Just the type of creepy, weird horror that floats my boat. It's a nice contemporary twist on Frankenstein's monster too.

I just started reading the OWC entries, but this is favorite so far. I would love to see this produced. Good stuff

Quoted from Equinox Just realized Lyle is a boy, sounds like a girl name.

I don't know you but I see that you're in Germany. Is English your first language? I don't mean that to be insulting at all, but Lyle is nothing but a male name in my part of the world.

No clue in the pseudonym. The log doesn't grab me.

Getting a little bored around page 5. This is taking its time.

I don't think we need to know how she did it.

I don't understand the ending. I've read it a few times now and still don't get it. I'm going to need that explaining, sorry.

Some really great writing on show, if a little long. Nice atmosphere, again ruined by the length and unnecessary exposition. She's a scientist, she's created a monster. End of explanation. You can throw a little more in there, but not if it's going to hurt flow as it does here.

I can't give this more than a 5 because I don't understand what happened at the end. I thought she was recreating Lyle. Yet Lyle is OK at the end and he's horrified to go and see his mom in the basement. I just don't understand it. If I did, then I'd give this a high score as it is written very, very well.

5 out of 10

Oh, Lyle is a boy?

You overcomplicated this with flashbacks and series of shots. At least get rid of series of shots - I don't think you need them at all.

This is a creepy concept and a very good one too. I think you could clean it up, get rid of flashbacks and it would be better.

Darnell is telling Lyle his mother's story and I think it would make all the difference if we know why from the very beginning. You're telling us why at the end - it's late.

Darnell says she needs to get better - she doesn't seem weak at all. She's cradling a baby after all. I think you could show a baby in a cradle and her emaciated or something.

This was a very cool idea not quite nailed by the writer. Perhaps they were rushed by the time limit and scrambled the ending a bit?

With a rewrite and some sage advice this would rock

As others have said, all of what follows is just my own personal opinion.

There's an idea in here (and you have a good title), but structurally I think this is a bit off. Beginning in the hospital corridor is a strong opening image, but it corners you into then very quickly abandoning this setting to jump into a narrated flashback, which turns the opening into feeling a superfluous framing device. Actually it's not even really that, as you complicate matters again at the end with the skip ahead back to the house. Twists work best when they shed new light on what's gone before, rather than introducing a completely new element that complicates everything further and means we understand LESS.

If your story is in the past, start with the accident and work from there? You've currently got the whole thing set 'in the past' within the script, which I think impacts on any tension and urgency. Especially as you haven't allowed time at the start to set up a compelling-enough mystery that makes the flashback feel worthwhile. 7 pages of a 10 page script in flashback makes me think you should just start at the chronological beginning.

Throughout, you don't dwell long enough at any one moment to feel like an actual, developed scene - the whole thing is moving so fast it feels like one long 'grieving mother montage', rattling through story beats like they're a checklist. If you come back to this after the challenge, slow down, take longer on each individual moment.

From her first appearance in the flashback, Victoria comes across as pretty unlikeable. Again it's probably down to space, you don't have any room for the two characters to interact and so show us what their relationship is like. It's all very well for her to miss him when he's gone, press her hand to the window etc, but currently the only moment we have of the two is her snapping at him for just being an excited kid.

Darnel isn't much of a character at present. What does he do in his life? We never see him do anything that suggests a personality, job, beyond what he looks like you give us very little to work with. Narratively, he disappears for a good chunk of the script, and when he does reappear I don't really buy his reactions in the basement - his 'head in his hands' moment is a bit comical, as is the shoulder shaking. Is he afraid of what he's seeing? Disgusted? Scared for Victoria? He must have known she was up to something, the barrels of poison should have been a giveaway something was up... You need to work more on the relationship between Victoria and Darnel, so we can accept them as husband and wife. Again, this might be a space thing - we never see a 'before', only them in crisis, but even then he isn't particularly affectionate beyond calling her 'darling' once.

Also, Lyle isn't dead. He's in a coma. So isn't all of this slightly premature? On pg. 7 Victoria says: 'No-one can ever replace our Lyle, but Francis is the closest thing to him.' But what if the real Lyle wakes up? What happens to Francis-Lyle then? You haven't told us that's unlikely, we have no idea how bad this coma is. Until you tell us it's pretty much hopeless, everything Victoria is doing seems a little bit odd (well, odder than it already is).

Hope some of that helps. To recap: if this much of it is flashback, consider telling in chronological order. Flesh out the characterisations, and work out the relationships between characters (they don't feel like real people atm). Your big confrontation scene is the basement, but you need to put more thought into each character's mindset, what they're feeling, as Darnel's reactions atm don't come across as believable. There's an old rule that in each scene, each character should have a 'goal', ideally one that puts them at odds with the other character, and the conflict should come from those two characters both trying to achieve their respective goals. What does Victoria want to achieve here? What does Darnel want to achieve? Are there moments in the scene where those goals shift, when does that happen and why?

And I'd be interested in any light you're willing to shed on the ending.

Well done on entering the challenge, though! Best of luck with any rewrite.

---

Here are some page by page notes:

PAGE 1
- I don't think you need the SUPER, the preceding dialogue makes it clear we're in a flashback

PAGE 2
- IMO, 'narrative' VO should be avoided about 95% of the time. What you have here isn't really adding any insight, just repeating what you're showing. As you're doing that, you don't need to also tell. Try cutting all of it, filling in what then won't be clear with action / visuals, and see what you end up with. It will almost certainly be better.
- I'm not the best person to ask, but I think that SERIES OF SHOTS is incorrectly formatted (is it a good idea to switch locations to the hospital without a new slugline?). 'Incorrect' as in, what you currently have isn't very clear. SERIES / MONTAGES can be a bit awkward to convey written down, so best for someone more comprehensively schooled in format to explain how that could be better laid out.

PAGE 3
- Your sluglines - again someone else may correct me, but if you're skipping ahead time-wise I think you need more complete slugs to help explain this? What you have at the moment sort of conflates everything into one long sequence, rather each being its own distinct scene.
- the scene of Victoria in bed: consider moving to before she has her breakdown in Lyle's room? Fits better there with her at her lowest ebb, doesn't sit too well with Darnel's 'thought she was getting better' dialogue now that she has renewed purpose.

PAGE 4
- 'Your mother was preeminent in the field of genetics and biochemistry.': oof, that's on the nose. Pure exposition there, be wary of that. Again, show don't tell.

PAGE 7
- I know why he's called Francis-Lyle, but it doesn't really make sense within the world of the story. If a doctor genuinely wanted to artificially create a person, they'd probably want to steer clear of the famous story in which that goes horribly, horribly wrong. If Francis was the name of Lyle's imaginary friend, or something, that would make more sense.
- when Darnel sees a wall of shelves containing horrific organs, I don't really buy his reaction. What you have now comes across as a bit comical - 'Ah Jeez Victoria, what have I told you about growing horrific abominations of nature in the basement?' Maybe that's what you wanted, but then tonally that's a bit strange. If you want him horrified, genuinely disgusted, I don't buy that currently.

PAGE 9
- Darnel's keycard: so does he work at this facility? If so, why does he need everything explaining to him earlier on? If not, why does he have a keycard?
- 'Lyle hides behind Darnel's trouser legs.': that's a short twelve year old

PAGE 10
- wow, that's really gory, and suddenly explodes from nowhere. Doesn't really fit with what's gone before...
- again with the SUPERS! You don't always need them. And actually in this instance, they massively confuse it - if the idea is he wakes up from the dream of the previous scene, you need to handle that transition differently, something more snappy between the two scenes.
- I don't get the ending... was the hospital a dream? Is this a dream? Is the idea this is all within his coma? If so (and I wonder if that's right), that's not been suggested anywhere before.

Hayley Rylms,

This one was quite confusing, and at time quite tough to get through. There's quite a few thing I didn't get. Why was the mother creating a new child if Lyle was alive? The ending... What exactly is The mother doing downstairs? Why does no sound come out when Lyle screams?

The whole flashback with VO didn't work for me either.

Quite a bit of over writing here too. Along with an unclear story, it makes this a tough read.

A re-write should definitely be considered though, there's a decent story in there somewhere.

Best of luck.

Glenn.

My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) Lyle is 5 in the newspaper
2) A long flashback seems an odd way to start, maybe lose the intro up to it?
3) Not convinced re low budgetness of the lab setup
4) The science is a little over explained, to the point it started to sound wrong
5) I initially mistook Darnel for an orderly at the institution, his name doesn't seem to gel and Lyle doesn't call him Dad in the opening... am I missing something?
6) And the end... nope the logic escapes me

Good bits:-
1) Well paced in the main
2) Loved the 'there's a best bit' line
3) The central idea is solid and it's well written

Rules
Think it might have budget issues and not sure there's really a classic monster in here

Overall liked this until the end lost me

Anthony

Hello

This could be trimmed in the middle when dad asks all those questions. Cut to when he tries to reason with Victoria.

As others have suggested, start chronic ally and work your way to present.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Ill Conceived

You almost had me here. Almost. I didn't care about all those superimpose, flashback, insert, and scientific big-budget stuff because this had a real vibe and balance that dragged me out of the challenge into your world completely.

The script works like a question for 7 to 8 pages. A great balanced mystery built up of you.

Only the answer to that question is where it lacks. And I never expected it would or could.

But damn I'm still impressed and that with this, for me, absolutely unsatisfying ending and reveal. That fact is so contrary to storytelling, the same way you broke all those rules and do-not-conventions in the parts that worked. Karazy

I read this one last night, but waited until this morning to see if the ending made sense.  

THE GOOD:  The suspense builds well, and the imagery is effective.  Nice descriptive work, particularly with regards to Victoria's squat, little science experiment.  It is also clear the author did a bit of research, or at least knows a few things, as the scientific mumbo-jumbo grounding the story is not too far off the mark.  I always appreciate that.    

THE BAD:  It was all a dream?  That seems to be the only interpretation that makes any sense, and as endings go, they do not come much lamer.  I can envision a few other scenarios you might have been going for, but for those to work, Lyle should not be able to speak.  And yet he does.  And if you were going for something else, you made it too dense and uninterpretable.  So, great set-up, but you failed to nail the landing.

bert's grade:  B    

A mother's wish to replace her son with a frankenstein surrogate.  Could work but this one is too long and too slow.  Pick it up and give it a new ending.  Leaving it as a dream doesn't work for me.

best
Richard

I really liked the window pane scene. You did a pretty good job with the grief aspect. It seems a little unlikely that she’d be able to do all this in her basement, and that her husband wouldn’t question it, but I can go with it if the kick at the end is good enough.

The science talk gets a little long winded. I can see the need for some of it, but after a certain point no one but her understands what she’s saying.

Damn, that didn’t go well. Was Lyle just gored to death by a baby? I’d like to see some reaction from his parents during that scene. Particularly Victoria since she’s now responsible for her son’s death rather than his coma.

It seems a little awkward to me to SUPER: Twelve Months Later, but begin the next scene in a way that suggests the last scene was a dream. I'd cut out the SUPER.

Okay, so it looks like Lyle’s brain was put into the new baby’s body? Is that what the voice thing means. I’m a little confused about why the rest of Lyle doesn’t look like a horrible deformed monster than. Also, I could’ve sworn she was only creating this creature to give Lyle a new brain. Since she wasn’t creating this baby to help Lyle, why didn’t she just have a new kid the old fashion way? I'm sure Darnel would've preferred that  

I’m a little confused by all this, but with another pass or two I could see it coming together nicely.

Hmmmm.... I've got mixed emotions about this one.  

Very nice, smooth writing.  And - while it's not a unique premise - it's one that has the potential to work on many levels.  

But honestly?  I really don't get what happened.  So.... Victoria blamed herself for Lyle's coma, and created an invitro monster fetus with stem cells (cannibalizing unconscious Lyle's voicebox in the process?)  I'm not quite sure I get what happened. And I assume that the scene with the baby ripping apart Lyle is a dream?

Even if so - the ending just feels strange and incomplete to me.  

** All that said, here are some other misc. things:

- "Prepared for what exactly?" - seems a sophisticated line for a ten year old.
- It's alive - nice Frankenstein Easter egg.  
- Terrific double meaning title!
- And I agree with EWall - the window pane scene visually works well.  

Well - I love the title - killer.

I was a fan of the writing style and thought that there was a lot of solid craftsmanship here.

Parts of the dialogue were way to on the nose for me. e.g.,

Quoted Text DARNEL (V.O.) I knew never to ask what she was working on. Your mother was preeminent in the field of genetics and biochemistry. Her work was always cloaked in secrecy.

That was true for most of the dialogue explaining the Doctor's work.

I was really in it for 9 pages or so - the ending wasn't for me - too in your face and did not serve the first nine pages IMO.

Overall a good effort.

The good news...

Seems like alot of peeps like this.

The not so good news...

The writing is not good, like everyone seems to think.  Lots of problems throughout, including passages that are extremely poorly broken up.

The bad news...

I gave up and started skimming half way through the redonkulously long Flashback, which includes a Series of Shots, 2 Inserts, a MOS effect, and then, to top it all off, no actual end to the Flashback, just a SUPER to tell us it's over.

Which leads to a grade of...

C

Writer,

I liked this one. Your set up was great, brooding and tense. What appealed to me was that it deals with human emotion, the loss of  a child, a loved one -- and the lengths one will go to to keep ones memory alive... Or to rebuild it. Your ending lost me, though. I'm guessing that Lyle eventually came back from his coma, yes? After that, I was lost. Sorry. But this was a great effort, I feel, that just went a little bit astray. Kinda like Victoria's experiment. Clear it up and I think you have a very good script.

Steve

I was with this right up to the end when I got a bit lost. The set up was pretty good, although the flashback was a tad long, but it did add some suspense as to what Lyle was  going to be greeted with behind the door.

It was just the ending was a little confusing.  I'm not sure whether some of it was a dream, all of it or none of it?

Good writing and a decent effort though.

Funny fonts on the title page, doesn't usually bode well.

But, I quite enjoyed this one. It took a more interesting approach to the idea. Good premise and well written.

Some nice little touches throughout, like the hand imprint on the glass
. Managed to get the medical jargon sounding right too.

I didn't quite understand the end. Apart from that it was rather good.

R

Thanks to all who commented on this, and a special thanks that no one commented on it being: 'Ill Conceived'.

Some pretty good 'writing' and 'premise' comments throughout, so that made me happy, but apologies for the general consensus of the ending being a dud, or at least unsatisfactory. Need to work on that. Twas fun nevertheless.

Could you explain what you were going for at the end, Libs?

I thought this had a lot of potential.

I think this actually got one of my considers in the end. Because if the ending was perfect then it would have gotten a recommend. I remember the reasoning going through my mind when it came time to judge.

Nice work, Libby. One worth working on and entering a few comps with.

Hi Libby,

Thought I'd drop by with some thoughts, however, won't bang on (too long) considering you have quite a bit of (in depth) feedback in the previous comments. More than enough to get you started I would presume so... 'no reply' necessary

The overall story works, I believe, because you ended it as being a dream sequence. One thing you might consider is perhaps Lyle's state of belief, just before going comatose, is that his mother is too busy to fully engage his existence, she is somewhat disconnected and actually finds him a nuisance while she's on the phone.

This would permit Lyle's dream sequence to incorporate a certain element of resentment towards his mother's motive of (genetically) creating another child. Subtle overtones of her becoming too distracted during the experiments, by external stimuli (talking on phone, etc) that would ensure the design process was flawed. Meaning, Lyle has projected the hideous creation as a by product of his mother's inability to 'be here now' and take note of what is before her. A good analogy of course is "you don't know what you've got till it's gone."

Darnel, appearing as nothing more than a narrative, actually plays a bigger role. He is the gate keeper to Victoria's outside world, and protector of the mutated deliverance lurking in the basement. He is fully aware of Victoria's disturbing experiment (he can't not be) however, has no clue himself as to what she can or cannot do with her knowledge, or perhaps he does, and that's why he sits idle, day by day, waiting until Victoria has brought forth from her womb of dementia... a new child to love, and ultimately an end to his (Darnel's) internal suffering. I imagine Lyle could have a stronger bond with his father (as opposed to Victoria) if this was to be fleshed out to a longer story, yet he (Darnel) would most likely be more akin to a piece of furniture than a breadwinner.

That brings us to the actual creation zone, which is IMO, somewhat convoluted to be a dream sequence within a child's mind. Aspects of the lab are diabolical and creative in their own realm here, and you've definitely replicated an environment on the cutting edge of genetic design, however, may present as over the top, especially when the unravelling of this story stipulates it was the all part of Lyle's dream. Not sure you meant to, but I made a subtle connection between Lyle-Francis' alembic , and the pool Lyle nearly drown in.

The final piece, showing Victoria nursing an abomination that wants to end Lyle, was a great way to tether Lyle's psychological torment, and the fact he may harbour resentment towards his mother, that being, her appearing disconnected to him in the first scenes.

Shit, I said I wouldn't bang on. These are just my thoughts of course, another interpretation of what you wrote, and I really enjoyed reading this twisted 'Ill Conceived' tale of redemption. Great work!

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Could you explain what you were going for at the end, Libs? I thought this had a lot of potential.

You know what Rick, I think having read all the comments I'm more than a little confused myself.  

For anyone who's interested re the story: I started initially with the idea that Lyle died but ditched that cause I felt I'd seen it one too many times. I thought the coma angle could add another dimension to plot in terms of not only motivating the mother to create a replacement child with a little mixed DNA, but also with the added complication of what happens next if her own child does miraculously recover.

Btw, this story was not 'all a dream'.  I don't think you can get away with that these days, can you? I'd be embarrassed to cop out like that, even though some thought I did. Of course it's the fault of the author (me) that all was not clear.

The ending, or at least the one I finally submitted, was more about Lyle's neuroses and guilt and fear of his mother - the kid's been comatose for years. He wakes up, he's having nightmares about the story his father told him and what he thinks he saw or imagined he saw, when he visited her. It's also his mother's first day home and lo and behold she's down in the basement.

It all went a bit pear-shaped, structurally and otherwise. And, I decided there was not enough 'horror' so added some gratuitous gore (on reflection a big mistake). Then I ditched the original ending I had, which though probably more satisfying, is still not quite there yet so I'm not going to pretend it was perfect.

Thanks so much for seeing the potential with this, Rick. I really appreciate it.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I think this actually got one of my considers in the end...

Thank you too, Dustin. It really means a lot to know this.  
Oh and FYI, my smart arse author's name was meant to be an anagram of Mary Shelley but I left a letter out. Silly me.

Quoted from Rick-Canis-Asfarasiam ... The overall story works, I believe, because you ended it as being a dream sequence...

Wow, thanks for the review, Rick. Some great points you make and eruditely to boot.

Quoted from Rick Shit, I said I wouldn't bang on. ...

Seriously, I enjoyed hearing your thoughts so much. If I fix the ending and resubmit another draft I'm gonna quote some of your words to promote it. )

Wonderful pacing here. A horror, for sure, potentially losing a child...
Pulled me along, dying to know if original Lyle is going to recover.
Always particularly fond of pages that are dialogue-free -- pulled me into the story even more.
Well done.