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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Phantom's Song - OWC
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  Author    The Phantom's Song - OWC  (currently 4266 views)
DustinBowcot
Posted: October 27th, 2015, 7:03am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Hello

I guess this is a origin story for the phantom of the opera.

My only thought is why he doesn't try to get away or kill maestro.

Hope this helps,
Gabe


Because he is a victim. A grown man can be made to do anything you want if he's terrified of you. Particularly if violence has already been involved. Until violence there may still be a bit of bravado in even the biggest cowards. A few slaps soon gets rid of that. Cutting out somebody's eyes? Imagine the horror, the sheer terror. Perhaps you can't.
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SAC
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 8:31am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Very well written and atmospheric, with a good twist. Not really anything I didn't like about this. Different from any entry I've read so far. Only nitpick is that I feel it could've used a bit more horror. Maestra certainly had a gruesome death coming her way, and I'm not sure why she didn't get it. Perhaps just because this script wanted to keep its desperate tone throughout with no compromises. Very good work.

Steve


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RichardR
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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Like the idea.  I found it a bit slow, a bit contrived.  But it works for what it is.  Although, I wish she had started cutting off fingers or toes to teach him a lesson.  She will whittle him down to nothing...

best
Richard
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eldave1
Posted: October 29th, 2015, 10:42am Report to Moderator
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First a nit: - there were several places where a word was capped (e.g., Perfect, Voice, etc.) - not sure what was intended here.

This was way too much OTN for me.


Quoted Text
MAESTRA
You think you have sacrificed, but
what I have taken, I have given
back ten fold. You were born with a
gift. But to concentrate that gift
I had to take away distractions.
The physical beauty that made you a
prize for women who would have
ruined you. Like your wife. The
eyes that tricked you into fixating
on material realities. But perhaps
I need to take more?


Yeah, I know it's the premise of the story and you have to get it in - but it has too be introduced in a more creative way.

Other than that - I loved this. Great premise - well written. Very poignant.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 29th, 2015, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
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Late to this one

This is a sound premise that could be filmed but needs a bit of work

Dialogue - her's goes on a bit and needs to be a bit more crisp and pointed

We see her lock him up but this should go further, abuse is bitter sweet. They take take then give a little.

I would like to see him fed, hit then tended to. Mind you this would needed to be blended with the twist

I agree that it would be very obvious that the theatre was empty. Why not set it up that because of him failing the theatre is as well.

But all said and done, this is a decent psychological drama. Whilet there is a horrific element to this, it's not horror, to me unless we see her inflict more pain

Well done


My scripts  HERE

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wonkavite
Posted: October 29th, 2015, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
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This will be a short review.

WOW.  The best thing I've read thus far (though the Werewolf/Red Riding Hood script is great as well.) And bear in mind - I'm going in order, so I'm sure there will eventually be others on this list.

This one?  Lyrical, poetic - and beautifully written with a full, satisfying story.

Kudos, Maestro. Well Done!  

--J (W)
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rendevous
Posted: October 29th, 2015, 7:35pm Report to Moderator
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A rather poetic opening. Fancy.

Presumably this is using The Phantom of the Opera type thing. I've never seen it, as I avoid Andrew Lloyd Hitler's stuff as much as possible. Nevertheless, I'll read on, I as quite liked the opening.

Takes a while to get going, But it's worth it, in my humble. The horror here is psychological, and it's effective.

My only gripe, apart from not coming up with it myself, was the use of capitals where they weren't needed. Apart from that...

Impressive.

R



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Revision History (1 edits)
rendevous  -  October 29th, 2015, 7:35pm
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 30th, 2015, 3:30am Report to Moderator
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Just a point, but The Phantom of the Opera is not an Andrew Lloyd Webber creation. Nor was it originally a musical. It was originally a novel written by Gaston Leroux.

Here's a link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Phantom_of_the_Opera
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bert
Posted: October 30th, 2015, 8:44am Report to Moderator
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This author is making it far too easy to discern their identity.

THE GOOD:  The details ring of authenticity, at least to this reader, totally unfamiliar with opera.  There has been at least a little research here, if not a bit of prior knowledge.  I always appreciate that.  The reveal of the mannequins is properly horrifying in a cerebral sort of way.  This is well thought out.      

THE BAD:  Maestra's monologue, though necessary, is a bit on the nose, perhaps a bit over the top.  The mention of a wife seems an odd, extraneous detail.  There is consistently odd use of capitalization, which distracted me in an OCD-type of way while reading. Linking this directly to the mythos of the Phantom is a bit of a stretch, in the most rigorous interpretation of Don's guidelines, but I doubt this author cares much about that.      

bert's grade:  A-  


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 30th, 2015, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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The good news...

Interesting and unique in terms of both story and writing style.

Pretty well written.

Powerful and sad with a surprising twist that hits hard.

The not so good news...

Some awkwardly phrased lines.  Some missing subject sentences, which I'll never understadn why writers do this.

A bit slow, a bit dense, and a bit dull, in terms of horror.

The bad news...

No real horror here to speak of, even though the tone is quite scary.

Very hard for me to link this to any classic monster, even though I understand we're most likely looking at a prequel to The Phantom of the Opera.

Which leads me to a grade of...

B, bordering on B+
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 30th, 2015, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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Oh wow, impressive!!

She demands perfection yet receives him in his nakedness. She even locks the door to act as a shield between those who might not. You planted the seed of manipulation in less than a page.

These are certainly dynamic characters.

Of course the mannequins with the speakers attached was a rad twist, making me more than bummed everything ended so suddenly. Now the stakes are now life or death, that alone deserves a payoff. Overall though, outstanding.

+ The opening sequence was killer
+ Characterzation is off the fucking charts
+ Could easily slide into feature length or television episode
+ Nailed the theme of acceptance (Some might argue it's perfection, I'd disagree)

- Finish the script in some form of completeness
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LC
Posted: October 31st, 2015, 5:23am Report to Moderator
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I'm with Richard on this one - cut off them toes, cut off them fingers. Give us some horror!

Too bland for my taste and a bit repetitive.

A Brit writer, I think if certain wording is to go by.

I do think it's more drama than horror, and the high point of the drama, if I was watching this, was never realized imho.

Why all the capped words i.e.,  
Transcend
True Perfection

I felt the whole thing needed more oomph to make me feel the real emotion, the real threat.
Very good twist, and well written.


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JonnyBoy
Posted: October 31st, 2015, 6:57am Report to Moderator
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Came to this with high expectations, as I've seen a few people name it as their favourite.

And I liked it. I didn't quite end up loving it, not sure why - it's well written, deliberately slow and thoughtful, and your twist is excellently handled - those would be some very creepy visuals onscreen. Something was missing for me though - don't know what, maybe that Maestra told us about or threatened violence, rather than anything happening onscreen? Don't get me wrong, it doesn't need gore - that wouldn't fit your tone - but the threat never felt completely imminent. That might be different if the right actress played Maestra, though. So perhaps that's unfair.

Maestra was a good character, but Antonio remained a bit of an enigma. I know he's been broken by what he's been subjected to, but compare him to Cristiano in Puta Grasa - to me, that person had more about him. Maestra was such a strong character that she left Antonio in the shadows - but this is Antonio's story, from the title to the opening shot to the scenes on his own, so that balance might need addressing.

I agree with someone above that the capitalised words tripped up my read a few times, not quite sure what happened there. However, otherwise there's lots to like - good creepy atmosphere (horror as unease, I can dig that) and a very well handled twist. Good job!


Guess who's back? Back again?
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wonkavite
Posted: November 4th, 2015, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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To "Gaston" -

If/when you'd like, please contact me about this script?  Thanks!  (Your identity will stay anonymous, at least until the reveal!)  

--J (W)
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EWall433
Posted: November 4th, 2015, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
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Best so far, and there’s not much else to say. The “proud cock” line felt jarring and might work better removed. It might also be good to get some hint of Maestra’s motivation. The reveal at the end is great, but I am left wondering why she’s doing this. I mean, I get she wants to create art, but what’s the point of deluding him about an audience. I’d do it just to keep my thumbs. I don’t want more than a hint, though. I don’t want to see the shark, just the fin breaking the surface.

Otherwise, very well done.
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