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I guess this is a origin story for the phantom of the opera.
My only thought is why he doesn't try to get away or kill maestro.
Hope this helps, Gabe
Because he is a victim. A grown man can be made to do anything you want if he's terrified of you. Particularly if violence has already been involved. Until violence there may still be a bit of bravado in even the biggest cowards. A few slaps soon gets rid of that. Cutting out somebody's eyes? Imagine the horror, the sheer terror. Perhaps you can't.
Very well written and atmospheric, with a good twist. Not really anything I didn't like about this. Different from any entry I've read so far. Only nitpick is that I feel it could've used a bit more horror. Maestra certainly had a gruesome death coming her way, and I'm not sure why she didn't get it. Perhaps just because this script wanted to keep its desperate tone throughout with no compromises. Very good work.
Like the idea. I found it a bit slow, a bit contrived. But it works for what it is. Although, I wish she had started cutting off fingers or toes to teach him a lesson. She will whittle him down to nothing...
First a nit: - there were several places where a word was capped (e.g., Perfect, Voice, etc.) - not sure what was intended here.
This was way too much OTN for me.
Quoted Text
MAESTRA You think you have sacrificed, but what I have taken, I have given back ten fold. You were born with a gift. But to concentrate that gift I had to take away distractions. The physical beauty that made you a prize for women who would have ruined you. Like your wife. The eyes that tricked you into fixating on material realities. But perhaps I need to take more?
Yeah, I know it's the premise of the story and you have to get it in - but it has too be introduced in a more creative way.
Other than that - I loved this. Great premise - well written. Very poignant.
This is a sound premise that could be filmed but needs a bit of work
Dialogue - her's goes on a bit and needs to be a bit more crisp and pointed
We see her lock him up but this should go further, abuse is bitter sweet. They take take then give a little.
I would like to see him fed, hit then tended to. Mind you this would needed to be blended with the twist
I agree that it would be very obvious that the theatre was empty. Why not set it up that because of him failing the theatre is as well.
But all said and done, this is a decent psychological drama. Whilet there is a horrific element to this, it's not horror, to me unless we see her inflict more pain
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
WOW. The best thing I've read thus far (though the Werewolf/Red Riding Hood script is great as well.) And bear in mind - I'm going in order, so I'm sure there will eventually be others on this list.
This one? Lyrical, poetic - and beautifully written with a full, satisfying story.
Presumably this is using The Phantom of the Opera type thing. I've never seen it, as I avoid Andrew Lloyd Hitler's stuff as much as possible. Nevertheless, I'll read on, I as quite liked the opening.
Takes a while to get going, But it's worth it, in my humble. The horror here is psychological, and it's effective.
My only gripe, apart from not coming up with it myself, was the use of capitals where they weren't needed. Apart from that...
Just a point, but The Phantom of the Opera is not an Andrew Lloyd Webber creation. Nor was it originally a musical. It was originally a novel written by Gaston Leroux.
This author is making it far too easy to discern their identity.
THE GOOD: The details ring of authenticity, at least to this reader, totally unfamiliar with opera. There has been at least a little research here, if not a bit of prior knowledge. I always appreciate that. The reveal of the mannequins is properly horrifying in a cerebral sort of way. This is well thought out.
THE BAD: Maestra's monologue, though necessary, is a bit on the nose, perhaps a bit over the top. The mention of a wife seems an odd, extraneous detail. There is consistently odd use of capitalization, which distracted me in an OCD-type of way while reading. Linking this directly to the mythos of the Phantom is a bit of a stretch, in the most rigorous interpretation of Don's guidelines, but I doubt this author cares much about that.
She demands perfection yet receives him in his nakedness. She even locks the door to act as a shield between those who might not. You planted the seed of manipulation in less than a page.
These are certainly dynamic characters.
Of course the mannequins with the speakers attached was a rad twist, making me more than bummed everything ended so suddenly. Now the stakes are now life or death, that alone deserves a payoff. Overall though, outstanding.
+ The opening sequence was killer + Characterzation is off the fucking charts + Could easily slide into feature length or television episode + Nailed the theme of acceptance (Some might argue it's perfection, I'd disagree)
Came to this with high expectations, as I've seen a few people name it as their favourite.
And I liked it. I didn't quite end up loving it, not sure why - it's well written, deliberately slow and thoughtful, and your twist is excellently handled - those would be some very creepy visuals onscreen. Something was missing for me though - don't know what, maybe that Maestra told us about or threatened violence, rather than anything happening onscreen? Don't get me wrong, it doesn't need gore - that wouldn't fit your tone - but the threat never felt completely imminent. That might be different if the right actress played Maestra, though. So perhaps that's unfair.
Maestra was a good character, but Antonio remained a bit of an enigma. I know he's been broken by what he's been subjected to, but compare him to Cristiano in Puta Grasa - to me, that person had more about him. Maestra was such a strong character that she left Antonio in the shadows - but this is Antonio's story, from the title to the opening shot to the scenes on his own, so that balance might need addressing.
I agree with someone above that the capitalised words tripped up my read a few times, not quite sure what happened there. However, otherwise there's lots to like - good creepy atmosphere (horror as unease, I can dig that) and a very well handled twist. Good job!
Best so far, and there’s not much else to say. The “proud cock” line felt jarring and might work better removed. It might also be good to get some hint of Maestra’s motivation. The reveal at the end is great, but I am left wondering why she’s doing this. I mean, I get she wants to create art, but what’s the point of deluding him about an audience. I’d do it just to keep my thumbs. I don’t want more than a hint, though. I don’t want to see the shark, just the fin breaking the surface.