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It felt a little redundant to me, however. Just a simple re-telling of Frankenstein.
Perhaps it would be better if the two stories you have going collapse into one. Have it so that the Doctor has clearly used the body of the cab driver's wife to bring back his wife, rather than the boy.
It could then be the case that Victor thinks he's found his wife, but in reality she has the brain of the Doctor's wife, so kills him. That would give it all a better little twist and introduce something new.
As it is, you've got a big set up just to reveal a re-animated corpse who hasn't even been mentioned in the story. It falls a bit flat.
Can't say I'm a fan of the first paragraph. Slug doesn't really give us any info of time and place. First word lacks a capital letter. Repetitive descriptions of the windshield wipers movement. Most people know what windshield wipers do...
Page 2. Victor, Francis, Shelley. Must be a Frankenstein story then.
Trim that chunk of dialogue by Francis. A lot of it doesn't do anything to further the story or characters.
Page 3. I think Victor is too nosy.
Page 4. Francis might be correct, but he sounds rather rude to Victor.
Page 5. The plot thickens...
Page 6. I guess the six story building is the tower/castle thing in the original film.
Stomp rather than stamp?
Not bad, but felt chunky to read and didn't really offer anything special. I think you can trim the action paragraphs quite a bit. Try to say the same thing, but with fewer words. It also felt a bit stodgy.
Pg 1 Why the CONTINUOUS? Not sure it adds much in this context? I've said in the comments of other scripts, I ain't no prude, but the "shit night" seems like a crutch. They'll certainly be an F-bomb nearby.
Pg 2 Not sure the dialogue on the top of the page adds much here. Repetition is kinda boring. And there’s the requisite F-bomb, right on cue. Again, the interior cab dialogue can be more useful and less repetitious. Let's get on with it.
Pg 3 The dialogue now feels forced (exposition).
Pg 4 Again with many CONTINUOUS. Is this necessary?
Pg 5 Your CONTINUOUS distracts.
Pg 6 splutters Nice one.
Pg 7 locum Nice one.
Pg 8 He said he would call the wife when he got to the station. She can wait. You sometimes upper-case God, sometimes not.
Pg 9 and 10 Good action here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - The doctor's son is a zombie? What in the first 8 pages hinted at this? Why was the KID in the hallway? How did he drive the plot forward or add tension? It just doesn't gel or have drama or logic for me.
I enjoyed this one. Especially the rainy cityscape setting in the beginning and conversation in the taxicab.
PROS: The twists work well. I didn't really see any of them coming and they didn't seem to cliche to me. I liked the ending and the creepiness of it. Well written, and the descriptions help me get a solid visual. Very easy to visualize due to the writing.
CONS: Not really low budget and the face smashing was a little too much for me, over the top (taste thing for me).
A well put together story. The use of the names 'Victor' and 'Shelley' telegraphed what monster you were going to use, but that didn't bother me.
I enjoyed how the power positions shifted a few times, and the action was nicely described. I think another couple of pages would be great, nevertheless one of my favorites so far.
Your dialogue reads very well, especially for Victor.
The setup is actually very good, IMO.
The not so good news...
Extreme overwriting going on.
Victor's phone call is...well...it's not good. Peeps may bitch about using "BEAT", but in a 1 sided dialogue piece, they are a must, as written, this reads very poorly.
The bad...
Your opening - some may think this is "masterfully written", but it's not, IMO. It's trying too hard and it doesn't have the effect you think it does...at least not for me.
Page 5 and I know exactly where this is going.
Passages are not remotely broken up correctly and it's killing the read for me.
Mistakes and awkwardly written action are the death knoll here for me.
I liked the opening scene but then you have very short scenes like TAXI on p 2 and I don't think you need those.
It's a good concept but I don't see the reason for Francis to keep Victor's wife in his house. Why would he? So how's he has his wife and Victor doesn't know?
My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!
Picky bits:- 1) Some odd formatting, a few typos and grammar etc 2) The characters call it out, but why does Victor go after Francis if he wasn't actually responsible?
Good bits:- 1) Well paced in the main 2) Nice table turns 3) Well handled reveal
Rules Passes all the rules imho
Overall I liked this, though maybe a little straightforward
This is a well written, action packed piece with a great payoff.
My only gripe is maybe too much action at times, not a bad thing per se - if on screen, just found myself going over a few scenes more than once to get my bearings.
I'm somewhat curious about the chance meeting of Victor and Francis, given their previous knowledge of each other, might come off as a little too convenient IMO... OK, two gripes, lol.
None the less, it was/is an exciting ride, with all the pun intended.
That glob of human flesh, or... whatever it was at the end, is so f*n wrong on so many levels, but in an insanely good way!
This one is well written, maybe over written at times, and is an interesting and dark tale. I'm not sure why Victor went after Francis or how he knew he'd get in his taxi. Once Francis knocked him out, it kinda dragged but it ended well. With a little polishing this could be very good.
I liked the joint grief element, and how one is revealed later. The fact he has lost a son and now has a secret lab etc I suppose could work just didn't do so much for me.
For low budget the hospital, taxi, rain etc before the apartment may add to the costs and complexity . I could see this played out as a drama in a single location whereby the driver kidnaps the surgeon and take him to the surgeons home to be killed only to discover a shared grief and a pitiful situation of him stuck in the past, like the driver.
This would be drama but could serve as an interesting idea to see what shared grief can do to resolve pain. Of what grief can do to us in private. And whether someone opinion is changed once they know more.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Works as a modern Frankie tale. Starting with the gun and cabbie doesn't work for me. Show the gun after V has picked up the doc. And if doc is going to harvest something from V, show us what it is the doc wants. That would help me.
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Duty of Care - OWC
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