A different take on the theme for sure, a Psycho.

By analogy, the patrons of, say...  Bates Motel, can overwhelmingly state it is run by a monster.

You have Lupas here, that of a (moneychanger, swine, etc), and also filling his role within society as a Psycho, but sees himself (via his mind's eye) as something more like an untamed creature. I don't think you need to have him reflect as a Werewolf to fully fit the theme here, but it is a good metaphor none the less.

I'm guessing you were incorporating the French/Italian version of Wolf into your protag's name? ... but as Pia mentioned, it's also a disease -- which could backfire, or work on many levels here, because Lupas believes he has an illness, however embodies a more disturbing set of symptoms.  

Phelan's own lair reminded me of Jack Jeebs under(shop) basement in MIB II and his sleazy approach to... well, just about everything.  This allowed me to embellish (in my head) Phelan's character with a face and setting, so that was somewhat humorous to conceive.

The story easily flows from start to finish, and encapsulates the most sickening of diseases... that of greed and avarice. Works on many levels.

Great review, Canis.

Always like to read your stuff.

Hello

Spoilers!

Interesting take on the werewolf tale. I'm curious what the purpose was in having him wanting to his memory wipe? so he can forget being a werewolf? Prob explain a bit more as oppose to "he doesn't want to eat his nephew" lol.

Hope this helps
Gabe

@ Rick,

Thanks, amigo. I appreciate the encouragement!

I tell ya, there’s a stellar crop of writing this time around… and I’m only half way through, lol.

That being said, this one (and a few others, so far) have really stood out for me.

Your Shadow,

"At the wheel is LUPUS, 60, slick grey hair, crisp tie,
designer suit. No one else inside."

No need to tell us no one else is inside. If no one else is mentioned, we'll know this.

"PHELAN
Look fuck, you gotta sleep while
the memory is removed. Just a
couple of minutes.
(off Lupus frowning)
Hey! You found me, not the other
way round. You should know how this
works. It's not new and it's better
than the injection which lasts
longer.
(Lupus sighs and agrees)
I tell you what, you’re gonna feel
weird waking up a ten year old. But
if that’s what you want."

This reads very badly. Look fuck? Dunno what that means. Also, using wrylies instead of lines of action.


Ok, this isn't bad. Most of the dialogue doesn't work as written and there's a few grammar and spelling mistakes. Clean this up, it's an interesting concept.

Decent ending.

Good luck.

Glenn.

In regard to 'look fuck'... I believe there is a missing comma, so: look, fuck, you gotta sleep while...

I must have missed this one. Can't think why, I'll have to read it now.

Log not particularly enticing.

First line of action is good though. Shows that you care.

Code He flicks on the inside light, and using a silk handkerchief, wipes blood away from his mouth.

Comma is in the wrong place, it should go after the 'and'.

Code finger nails

fingernails.

Not sure why some think this is a Brit, unless they're trying to write like an American. Savours has a 'u' in it.

Some passive writing in the usage of 'is'.

Code PHELAN Yeah. But first, I want some answers. Why you doing this?

I'd cut all but the final question from this dialogue.

Code LUPUS Isn't that obvious? I want to forget. That's what I’m informed you do, is it not?

Too expositional. In fact this whole conversation is exposition and it's obvious. Deliver in smaller chunks or add some kind of conflict to make this more palatable.

Code cheques

A-ha... a Brit trying to write American. Or vice-versa.

It all went a bit weird. Like you'd ran out of ideas so rushed it. Not one for me.

5 out of 10.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Code He flicks on the inside light, and using a silk handkerchief, wipes blood away from his mouth. Comma is in the wrong place, it should go after the 'and'.

No, the comma is correct as written here, based on the makeup of the sentence.  It's quite easy to see why it's correct if you just read it out loud, using the commas as pauses.

The part, "and using a silk handkerchief" is a fragment - if you took this away from the sentence completely, you'd see that the comma is indeed right where it should be.

Make sense?

Quoted from Dreamscale The part, "and using a silk handkerchief" is a fragment - if you took this away from the sentence completely, you'd see that the comma is indeed right where it should be.

No, the fragment that could be removed is "using a silk handkerchief." This would leave: "He flicks on the inside light and wipes blood away from his mouth. Dustin's correction is correct.

Correct way:

He flicks on the light and, using a silk handkerchief, wipes blood away from his mouth.

If the comma goes after the "and" it gives conjunction to the compartitive action. After "light" and it gives it to what should be a new clause. The comma after "handkerchief" implies the subject is still intact.

The "and" in the sentence is not necessary...as it rarely is.  A comma could replace it, so...if you want "and" in there, IMO, the comma comes before it, because the fragment includes "and".

IMO, it's based on the structure of the sentence, and structured the way it is, I would use the comma as written.

But...what do I know?  

Quoted from Dreamscale But...what do I know?

Clearly not enough.

Thanks, Dusty.  You're a sharp one, little chap, aren't ya?

Looking very forward to seeing which entry is yours.  LOL!!!!

Quoted from Dreamscale Thanks, Dusty.  You're a sharp one, little chap, aren't ya? Looking very forward to seeing which entry is yours.  LOL!!!!

I love reading your posts. The ineptitude on display is often quite astounding.


I admit, I haven't done very well this time around. You couldn't get through it. But at least I try.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I love reading your posts. The ineptitude on display is often quite astounding.

I'm glad I can amuse you

Quoted from DustinBowcot I admit, I haven't done very well this time around. You couldn't get through it. But at least I try.

Well, I'm not the least bit surprised by this, but it's good you keep trying.  We're all rooting for ya, bro!

.