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I didn't like the way he kept mentioning getting laid, maybe I'm just a prude.
There were small parts that felt a bit off. The way the bank account was open, even the way he killed him. I can't really put my finger on it, but the killing felt a little contrived.
Maybe of you just make finding that he's left his bank account open a bit more subtle, it would work better?
I also think, long term, the story would be better if it was without monsters...and was purely psychological. It works, but I think it would be even better if it was purely human evil, or at least metaphorical.
Bravo, well done, one of the best of the day. I ain't no prude, but Phelan's F-bombs distract. You could remove half of them and he'd still be a memorable character.
I thought this one was pretty good. Low budget for sure.
I wouldn't call it an old fashioned hairdryer. They still use those, you know.
I probably wouldn't use the name Lupus. Made me think of the disease. Surely there are other werewolfish names to chose from.
The writing was good and the story worked well. I knew as soon as you said the red light covered both of them that Phelan would become a werewolf as well, but other than that, great job!
This was pretty decent read for the alotted time. Moved quickly. Had a bleak atmosphere and stayed there throughout. In the end it didn't really have the scares or chills I was looking for. Very dialogue heavy with not much action except in the flashbacks/montages. It leaves me with a creepy vibe so the writing did its job. Just needed more action, IMO.
This was very well written but ultimately unsatisfying. I gather that Phelan contracted the werewolf "disease" from the physcial contact with Lupus, but it felt like a bit of a cheat to me. Did the machine aid in the transmission somehow? I think that's what the writer was going for, but it's not very clear.
Still, a solid effort that could made much better with another draft.
My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!
Picky bits:- 1) Says he's in an industrial park, but there's a shop in it? 2) The scientist doesn't sound very scientific 3) A bit repetitive on how many years he needs removing
Good bits:- 1) Well paced 2) Interesting idea 3) Some great lines of dialogue 4) Definitely a different take on things
Rules Yep, think this more or less fits, budget may be a stretch
Overall this was really well written and I liked the different take on things
Anthony, a shop doesn't necessarily mean a store. It can also be an auto shop for example. Where they fix things. It's usually small businesses where they do work and store things like a plumbing company or a cabinet manufacturer.
This one ticks all the boxes of the challenge for me and was a good read. It needs work but this is a really good idea worth developing.
The setup could do with more thought. A rogue scientist, with a memory wipe machine that can wipe 50 years of memories, one that he uses on the side to finance his drugs and hookers; this is SyFy channel silly Sharknado territory. If you do a spot of research and apply current science to the story it would become a lot more believable. For example, Dutch neuroscientists recently devised an electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) to "target and disrupt patients' memory of a disturbing episode. So if Lupus wants to erase the specific memory of when he picked up the disease and target memories of him killing people, that’s a start and is a believable scenario based on current science. Just food for thought there.
Phelan needs developing. Sure he’s a dick but he’s a one-dimensional dick and doesn’t sound like a scientist at all.
I’m a big fan of dialogue but I also acknowledge if you can show it, do so and don’t tell. Outside of the confines of this challenge, I’d suggest you expand this and show us more of what Lupus tells us as it is very interesting stuff.
The twist was a good one, I didn’t actually see it coming and I love how the disease is not transferred through a bite or a scratch but by evil acts in proximity to the host; that’s certainly new!
I do like this one a lot, it shows a lot of potential.
-Mark
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I've got my bets about this author, too. A Brit, for sure.
THE GOOD: The premise is sound, the setting good, the writing clean. The mirror is used to great effect (though unclear why it is even there, if only to serve the purposes of the story). Zooming through the wire is a nice touch. The end adds a nice comic flair, as we find that Phelan is actually pleased with the outcome. I liked that.
THE BAD: The procedure itself confused me, and by that I mean was this supposed to cure him of his affliction, or was he just going to be a werewolf with the mind of a 10-year old? That could use some clarity. It threw me off, anyway. Phelan's dialogue eventually became repetitive to the point of annoyance. He's jonesing and he's horny. We get it.
Writing was great in this one, however all the "gazing" going on set a repetitive tone. The setting seemed undeserving of description like "devoid of emotion". It's clear this writer has actual writing skills, so let's move on the story before the Structure Busters show up.
It wasn't the look, the tech, or twist that lost me. That stuff was really cool. I couldn't put a round turn on the whole greed/bank account/murder element. It should be noted with the werewolf angle, maybe it can bend a little because the monster is known to be more impulsive and reactive. I did like the visual of him struggling to kill, and hen finally getting it.
+ Writing and overall look of the script + Opening was engaging, stylish + Monster vs Monster
- Motives need support - Archaic dialogue (not sure if this was on purpose)
By analogy, the patrons of, say... Bates Motel, can overwhelmingly state it is run by a monster.
You have Lupas here, that of a (moneychanger, swine, etc), and also filling his role within society as a Psycho, but sees himself (via his mind's eye) as something more like an untamed creature. I don't think you need to have him reflect as a Werewolf to fully fit the theme here, but it is a good metaphor none the less.
I'm guessing you were incorporating the French/Italian version of Wolf into your protag's name? ... but as Pia mentioned, it's also a disease -- which could backfire, or work on many levels here, because Lupas believes he has an illness, however embodies a more disturbing set of symptoms.
Phelan's own lair reminded me of Jack Jeebs under(shop) basement in MIB II and his sleazy approach to... well, just about everything. This allowed me to embellish (in my head) Phelan's character with a face and setting, so that was somewhat humorous to conceive.
The story easily flows from start to finish, and encapsulates the most sickening of diseases... that of greed and avarice. Works on many levels.
Interesting take on the werewolf tale. I'm curious what the purpose was in having him wanting to his memory wipe? so he can forget being a werewolf? Prob explain a bit more as oppose to "he doesn't want to eat his nephew" lol.
Hope this helps Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
"At the wheel is LUPUS, 60, slick grey hair, crisp tie, designer suit. No one else inside."
No need to tell us no one else is inside. If no one else is mentioned, we'll know this.
"PHELAN Look fuck, you gotta sleep while the memory is removed. Just a couple of minutes. (off Lupus frowning) Hey! You found me, not the other way round. You should know how this works. It's not new and it's better than the injection which lasts longer. (Lupus sighs and agrees) I tell you what, you’re gonna feel weird waking up a ten year old. But if that’s what you want."
This reads very badly. Look fuck? Dunno what that means. Also, using wrylies instead of lines of action.
Ok, this isn't bad. Most of the dialogue doesn't work as written and there's a few grammar and spelling mistakes. Clean this up, it's an interesting concept.
First line of action is good though. Shows that you care.
Code
He flicks on the inside light, and using a silk handkerchief,
wipes blood away from his mouth.
Comma is in the wrong place, it should go after the 'and'.
Code
finger nails
fingernails.
Not sure why some think this is a Brit, unless they're trying to write like an American. Savours has a 'u' in it.
Some passive writing in the usage of 'is'.
Code
PHELAN
Yeah. But first, I want some
answers. Why you doing this?
I'd cut all but the final question from this dialogue.
Code
LUPUS
Isn't that obvious? I want to
forget. That's what I’m informed
you do, is it not?
Too expositional. In fact this whole conversation is exposition and it's obvious. Deliver in smaller chunks or add some kind of conflict to make this more palatable.
Code
cheques
A-ha... a Brit trying to write American. Or vice-versa.
It all went a bit weird. Like you'd ran out of ideas so rushed it. Not one for me.
He flicks on the inside light, and using a silk handkerchief,
wipes blood away from his mouth.
Comma is in the wrong place, it should go after the 'and'.
No, the comma is correct as written here, based on the makeup of the sentence. It's quite easy to see why it's correct if you just read it out loud, using the commas as pauses.
The part, "and using a silk handkerchief" is a fragment - if you took this away from the sentence completely, you'd see that the comma is indeed right where it should be.
The part, "and using a silk handkerchief" is a fragment - if you took this away from the sentence completely, you'd see that the comma is indeed right where it should be.
No, the fragment that could be removed is "using a silk handkerchief." This would leave: "He flicks on the inside light and wipes blood away from his mouth. Dustin's correction is correct.
He flicks on the light and, using a silk handkerchief, wipes blood away from his mouth.
If the comma goes after the "and" it gives conjunction to the compartitive action. After "light" and it gives it to what should be a new clause. The comma after "handkerchief" implies the subject is still intact.
The "and" in the sentence is not necessary...as it rarely is. A comma could replace it, so...if you want "and" in there, IMO, the comma comes before it, because the fragment includes "and".
IMO, it's based on the structure of the sentence, and structured the way it is, I would use the comma as written.
Revisiting my favourites, just to see which I really like the best.
On the second read, I still like this a lot.
The logic of the "disease" does seem to be lacking, however. We see on the screen some images that strongly suggest he's very much an actual werewolf. The main problem is the image of the sheep.
It seems a stretch that such a change could be effected through making bad choices, as we see here. It's hard to swallow that he believes losing his memory could cure such an OVERT problem.
I mentioned in my first review that I think it would play better if it was either purely human evil, or the monster part was kept metaphorical. My suggestion would be to remove the image of the sheep on the video display.
A very small change that would improve the script's logic, in my humble opinion.
Good work, and a production worthy story. Particularly impressive as it is a genuine twist on werewolf lore.
Nice! On my top tier list. IMHO: A *little* overwritten - but that can be easily streamlined. Phelan's a tiny bit repetitive... it's not necessary to give us his motives so many times. And - one recommendation. Shouldn't Lupus at least scratch Phelan? That really makes the ending satisfactory and plausible.
Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind (love that film, btw) for monsters.
I liked the opening. And, the premise is sound, but it didn't work for me mainly because I found the characters unlikable.
The key is always that the monster be not so much likable but that I want him to triumph, despite his flaws and also because of those flaws, but I didn't like either character, and I'm sorry to say I found the dialogue grating. No offence to you personally, writer, your story obviously has its fans and I do appreciate your originality.
Btw, and clearly this is just me - I really hate when inanimate objects (the computers, in this case) are written as 'resting'/'rests'. A bugbear of mine obviously.
A big positive I must mention: I really liked the Series Of Shots documenting Lupus' past 'activities' - showing us the true monster he is. That added depth to the story. And, you nailed a lot of the mood and visuals.
The story's good so far, and I don't know why you began to use clichés like following
"And I mean in my bank account, no bouncing cheques after you blame me"
Have heard it like – quite often. Probably it should sound cool. A lot of dialogue is not moving anything forward. Cut it if you like.
Then the thing with the money transfer - That didn't grab me at all.
Story's complete somehow; just too much dialogue used, hurting the interesting stuff here imo
Somehow it's pretty dark, but the talkativeness, overshadowing everything, never made me feel there is conviction to serve something new, or perhaps risky. Instead you made it safe, for what?
Good title and great opening. Lupus' intro is really well done - 'character is action, action is character' is a good rule to write by, and having him lick the blood from his fingers says a lot very quickly. Good work there.
But... for me it lost momentum once we stepped inside. I found the dialogue unnatural and a bit repetitive - Phelan's especially - and not a lot actually happened. We're told about (and briefly shown) the monstrous things Lupus has done, but that's nowhere near as interesting dramatically as being present for some of them. As a film I'm sure this would be heavy on atmosphere, and the one location obviously helps with your budget, but by the end I was a bit bored. I liked the actual finish - greed is the disease, anyone can be a monster - but the getting there was heavy going for me.
I was sort of left wondering if I'd read the same script as everyone else? Didn't love it as much as some above, sorry. I seem to be disagreeing with the majority on quite a few of these OWC entries, though, so you can probably safely ignore my opinion.
“PHELAN: Look man, I need a fix. Let's get to it.” Would a person with access to this kind of tech really be jonesing for a fix? It makes it sound like he’s broke; like performing complicated procedures with state of the art technology is about the same as sucking cock for crack.
It’s no wonder Phelan gets screwed over so much if he leaves his bank account details on the table for strangers.
A lot of interesting ideas in here. The way the werewolf curse ‘transmits’ and the idea of erasing one’s memory to get rid of it. It’s almost used more as a metaphor for evil than an actual curse, which I like (My interpretation was the act of murder caused the transmission. Certainly that’s the metaphor).
I wonder if Lupus wouldn’t work better as a more sympathetic/haunted individual. He calls himself a monster and wants to be better, but he also had a “last meal” before coming and says, rather nonchalantly, that children taste sweet. I think his predicament and murder would be more powerful if he seemed desperate and remorseful.
Also, he says he’s doing this to keep from hurting his daughter’s son, but how did he keep from hurting his daughter? Once again, it might be cleaner if he just didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore.
Eternal sunshine for the werewolf mind - pretty much sums it up.
This was a little more rushed than normal so I'm not surprised weaknesses popped up and threw people. I added a few things on a final late night read, and they pretty much were all mistakes.
Concept - I may need to make this clearer, it does need some fine tuning. In essence the script tries to blend monster genre with psychological drama. The idea being that the monster exists because of its human character., so you are not born this way, instead you pick it up through your actions and deeds. When Phelan kills he becomes a monster.
However, I think I need to drop some of the monster attributes - eg licking blood off his hands - and just make him a normal human killer that sees the monster in the mirror and likes it. As though they bask in the bad aspect of themselves. In this way I would drop the sheep killing and the visual of the claws and just remain with normal kills.
Treatment - I saw this as a near future , back street procedure, something you couldn't get in the hospital. Like Tom cruise requires in Minorty report.
Lupus has realised he became a monster on the back of what he learnt to do. If he forgets all this he won't be a monster anymore and won't be a risk to his daughter's son. The irony, hopefully, is that we sympathise a little with the monster because he is sacrificing what he likes for another. Like an addict trying to get clean.
Names - yup will change these. They are actually both wolf names. There are web sites for this type of thing, can you believe it?
Dialogue - yes I wanted Phelan to be an arsehole, so that we can believe his deeds and transformation, but the feedback I've got it that whilst this was achieved it went too far and became annoying. Good tip to rememeber, don't over do the salt
But for a contained short, which shouldn't be too bad to film, I quiet like it and will give it a good tidy up.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Not Born A Monster - OWC
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