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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  New Order - OWC
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  Author    New Order - OWC  (currently 3417 views)
Grandma Bear
Posted: November 8th, 2015, 11:09am Report to Moderator
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Brian Stonker - Bram Stoker

I'm amazed some people didn't know this was going to be Dracula.

I liked this Ren. I also thought the New Order T-shirt was good along with the long hair and long coat. Screams vampire to me. Like that everyone was on their phones or iPads, but Brian reads a paperback. Lots of little details in these descriptions that tell us a lot.

Once we move out of the diner though, I think some of the descriptions can be trimmed some.

Gemma sounds a little too dead pan when she wakes up and then talks about the poor fella screaming.

The rest was good and the ending worked. It's gonna be difficult to explain...

Good job! Had I read it earlier, I would've voted CONSIDER.  


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rendevous
Posted: November 9th, 2015, 4:18am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Brian Stonker - Bram Stoker

I'm amazed some people didn't know this was going to be Dracula.


Yes. Some people are real dumbarses, aren't they? Thankfully, you, me and a few others manage to stop it seeming like throwing out time at the pub around here. That reminds me, must get a kebab later.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
I liked this Ren. I also thought the New Order T-shirt was good along with the long hair and long coat. Screams vampire to me. Like that everyone was on their phones or iPads, but Brian reads a paperback. Lots of little details in these descriptions that tell us a lot.


Why thank you, Angry. Most observant and wise.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Once we move out of the diner though, I think some of the descriptions can be trimmed some.


This is usually where I put the biscuits away and point towards the door, but I'm inclined to agree for a change, as you're sadly not alone.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Gemma sounds a little too dead pan when she wakes up and then talks about the poor fella screaming.


I was of the idea she'd been there quite a while, so she's jaded and sick of it, rather than fearful. This idea didn't go down well.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
The rest was good and the ending worked. It's gonna be difficult to explain...

Good job! Had I read it earlier, I would've voted CONSIDER.  


Many thanks. You'll have to do with a rich tea, a Recommend would have got you a coupla Jaffas and a garibaldi. Now, I'm off to get that kebab. I'll bring me baseball bat as it can get a bit tricky down there.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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rendevous
Posted: November 14th, 2015, 7:47am Report to Moderator
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For a change I thought I might just rewrite this and present it back here, rather than doing what I normally do and just slagging off my biggest OWC critics with what passes for sarcasm and wit round my way.

Sometimes it reaches further. Sometimes not. But it might raise a giggle in an unexpected and distant place. Such is my desire. For a giggle I mean. Steady.

I know, I can almost hear the bated breaths out there awaiting and astounded as you salivate and count the minutes until its arrival. Even Apple and their new product people look on with a jealousy so fierce in their eyes.

Nevertheless, there was one comment that cannot go unmentioned...



Quoted from PrussianMosby
New Order

"Ian’s fork with the sausage hovers in front of his mouth."

That's a quite problematic moment. Very hard to describe a reaction of a character facing such a subjective supernatural event happening in front of his eyes. It's hard to write but the way you let him react feels not right somehow. Something like that blows our mind, we'd check the table, the fork... hectic etc.


Ahuh. You seem to think this went supernatural in a greasy spoon type place. I can now see Jim Carrey parting a bowl of soup with his new godlike powers in Bruce Almighty.

Erm no. I just meant he held it there. On his fork. It wasn't actually hovering like a helicopter does.

But obviously the meaning got confused there along the way. At first I was gonna take the piss. The very idea...

But then, given the nature of the challenge, it's not so mad an idea.

Just goes to show, when there's so many scripts to read, sometimes you do need to write a little more carefully. Advice I should take myself more often.

I'm not very good at taking advice though. I'm sorry piggies, but if you think I'm stopping with the bacon, then think again. Carcinogenic my arse. I'll be out in the woods under a blanket with the cigarettes and the rashers. See you there maybe.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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PrussianMosby
Posted: November 14th, 2015, 8:35am Report to Moderator
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I'm definitely sorry about misunderstanding what happened in your script. I usually look back into the parts of the script I comment on.

And I seem to have read the introduction of happenings inattentively here.

perhaps

saying his fork still hovers,repeatedly

And Ian finally saying to the waitress: Hey, you see that
     
distracted me

since I don't know why he should ask the waitress if she also sees that odd fucker outside.



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