Format and style relatively solid. The bones of the story were solid as well - good premise.

I felt let down a bit by the dialogue. It felt a bit stale - unimaginative. In the next version I would look to make it pop a bit more.

I just read this quickly.

I'm sure most of this has been mentioned by others already, didn't read comments before posting:

* greatest mind of our generation, Frank is 32, the doctor is 60 - so probably not the same generation. What about greatest mind of our time?

* some unnecessary action lines, many of them could be removed or merged with others. An example:

Quoted Text FREDDY Come on. We gotta keep looking. Freddy walks toward the door. He stops in his tracks as he hears a loud groan. He turns to Henry.

could be

Quoted Text FREDDY Come on, we gotta keep looking. Freddy stops and turns to Henry when they hear a loud GROAN.

-> 5 lines saved, at least 10 more of those in the script, could easilly save at least one page.

* In the dialog, I realized you use gotta, outta a.s.o. - if you do, I think you should use it always for that/those characters or never, but don't switch between outta, gotta and out of, got to

* Some repetitions in the dialog. Example:

Quoted Text FREDDY He�s got all this money and he wastes it on hundreds of prehistoric books? A goddamn waste.

I do that a lot myself, just takes a loud read of the script to fix those.

* The part where they think the GROAN is a TV worth stealing is quite a stretch. If I heard a GROAN in a foreign house, a TV would certainly not be the first thing which came to my mind. Yet you use that stretch to ignite the following action, now they want to find the TV because they think it's worth good money if they steal it. Feels quite constructed here.

* Good twist: First book Henry pulls on instantly opens up a secret door to a hidden chamber. Must be a really lucky (or unlucky?) guy in a 'huge, square room covered with bookshelfs'. Thought this was another constructed plot point, but we learn Henry is one of the doctor's lackeys, nice one.

* This one:

Quoted Text THE DOCTOR It�s alive!

made me smile. Well done to use that classic sentence here!


All in all I liked this one. It's well written and the twist caught me by surprise. Not my top script but surely at least a consider for me.

Well written, great dialogue and banter between the characters.  I found the ending abrupt...but not really, maybe just ended to quickly.  I also liked the tone, vibe, etc.

*Spoilers*

Ah - this is on my "I like it!" list!  )

Needless to say, yet ANOTHER sendup of Frankenstein, which is to be expected.  But the twist ending is well done - making this one definitely worth the read.

A few quick thoughts: I DO think a few pages could be trimmed to tighten/quicken the pace.  But once it is, it's pretty neat.  A grungy (though not impossibly novel) twist on a classic tale.

Other notes:

--Shouldn't GUNSHOT be capped?
--"Pretty awesome." "Not Awesome" - nice banter there.
--"Edible, too."  Nice touch.

Cheers on this one! )

--J (W)

Started off quite well. The dialogue was good but lost it a bit later. Or maybe I got a little bored.

Well written for the most part. I think I'm beginning to tire of Frankie type stories, which isn't your fault.

Not really buying the end. Felt a bit too Scooby Doo for me.

R

IT'S ALIVE!!!!  Lol!

I liked this one. A bit talky, but most of the talk fit and wasn't idle chatter.

A Brit must have written this. Trolley bed? A gurney?

Not sure about the ending. It doesn't really fit with the classic Frankenstein's Monster MO.

Don't know about low budget, but as we've discussed earlier, it's all relevant to what the filmmakers have available.

I liked it and would definitely vote CONSIDER on this one.

I'm not sure I get the concept here?

Big SPOILERS!

I liked the set up but then the Doctor's speech at the end just made it all a bit ridiculous.  The Doctor says 'people' will try to steal the results of his experiments, who are these people, fellow doctors?  He hires Freddy to raid his house to try to steal these results, with the help of his sidekick, Henry.  But the whole thing is a ploy to get Freddy to test the Doctor's security system i.e. the Creature. So why the elaborate set up?  Why does the Doctor fake been killed and why does he lead Freddy into a room with the Creature, this isn't testing the security at all?  Surely he should have just sat back and watched to see if Freddy could break into his lab and get past the Creature.  It makes no sense to me, sorry.

This might be a bit harsh but I was enjoying it up until the end, where it all went a bit Pete Tong.

Very nice set-up - some nice lil' touches such as when Freddy trips over the skeleton.

I was really intrigued by what was happening and what was to come but it ended up being just a reveal of Franky and what he's capable of. I think at the very least it might have been good if the boys both ended up learning a harsh lesson by being trapped in the secret room with Franky, but it wasn't to be. I don't know what I was expecting more than that, but it wasn't that the Doc was still alive.

I won't bother going into the illogical part of the story cause you've probably had that pointed out.

Some nice dialogue, but a few of your action/description lines need a bit more attention.

These two in particular need some urgent attention:

locks unlock
descends down

To be fair the OWC is always a bit of hurly-burly.

Worth reading for the opening alone.

Ooh, and I just noticed what Dave wrote at the top of the page:

Quoted from eldave1 ...The bones of the story were solid as well...

  

Thanks to everyone that gave this a read and shared your thoughts. Appreciate it.

I'm glad some of you enjoyed it, or parts of it. Once again, I've learned quite a bit from this experience.

Cheers.

Nice work Glenn, this is a good effort.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Nice work Glenn, this is a good effort.

Thanks, mate.

Obviously far from perfect and I know there were a few holes in the plot. Enjoyed it though. Don't think it's worth rewriting but I have another idea and I can take the advice I got here and apply it to it.

Nice script, Glenn. This was my 2nd recommend besides The Phantom's Song.

Quoted from Equinox Nice script, Glenn. This was my 2nd recommend besides The Phantom's Song.

Thanks, Thorsten. That means a lot. Glad you enjoyed it.