Few things I baulked at but not too shabby, pretty entertaining, and a creative take on the challenge. I could get picky re some passages of dialogue and description, but at this stage I won't.

Re Rick's comment - how Hank can get from his seat to do what he does - well, logic doesn't always follow in screenwriting or movies, plus we're in the land of the supernatural and horror, so I'll go with it.

Writer,

Not a bad story. Went on a wee but too long, but the writing was decent and I felt connected to Hank, feeling a tad under the weather myself. However, the ending didn't really have the "oomph" necessary to carry this story. It was a decent effort, but falls short in the end.

Steve

Hmmmm.  Well, I love the logline on this one.  And it's a fun premise that you can/should continue to explore.

For me, the writing style made me feel that the author is relatively new to screenwriting.  There's alot of passive (this "is", that "is") sentence structure - and unnecessary adjectives.

For instance:

Hank's eyes are half opened and red, he coughs. (Versus - perhaps - Hank opens his reddened eyes. He COUGHS.)
Or: Hank startles up as the audience applauds. (Versus - something like - the audience applauds. A startled Hank jumps up - awake!)
And... just one more: aggressively janks?  Janks is a typo - and aggressively is not needed.  Yanks implies aggression.

Re: action - I'd definitely trim alot of this and tighten it up.

All that said, it's a fun twist at the end... worth polishing the story for.

Cheers,

--J (W)

I'm with the majority here about the action scene being too long and little tedious.  I did like the beginning and waking in an empty theater would be a bit unnerving, but the middle dragged.  The ending was decent though.
Didn't like the title either, sorry.

'40ies'? Fortyies? Not sure about that one.

The theatre bit was well done, I could see that working.

A very different idea and unusual script. Kudos there, as a lot of other scripts were similar in approach. I admire the orginality.

Quoted from Scary Birthday Hank frowns and gives Sam's elbow a kick.

Things like this take me out of the story. It sounds like he stood up and kicked her elbow. Which is quite an image, though I doubt you meant it.

There's lots of bits that need polishing and revampiring, sorry, revamping. With some polish and work this would work well. Like my new hair gel. Ooooh.

R

Smashed by the 'maestros' - my heart is bleeding. I'll take bert's C+ and just ignore Dustin and Dreamscale

Thanks all for reading and commenting and congrats to the winners!

I just read yours since I didn't get to it during the OWC.

First of all, your script did not come in last. They are listed in alphabetical order.  

I liked this one. I like stories where in the end, you're not really sure if it was real or not. My clown elevator script was like that too and people got hung up on the "was it real or not" thing.

The writing itself was clunky. Often weird word choices and such. If I had read this one and not known who wrote it, I would've guessed a non native English speaking person had written it. I used to get the same complaints on my scripts, but not anymore.

Anyway, I liked the idea and thought it creepy how Dracula kept singling Hank out in the crowd.

So, good job from me. I would probably have given it a CONSIDER, even if not a strong one.  

If it means anything, I didn't pick up that this was a writer using a second language. You need extra time to polish the English. Sorry for not giving it much of a chance.

This script is a lot better than you are probably thinking, right now.

Writers are in some ways the very best people to review scripts, and in some ways the very worst!

They can give you fantastic advice on how to improve your writing, and have many great ideas, but sometimes they are very taken with the written word and don't see the woods for the trees in terms of how good the final product...the film..would actually be once separated from the words on the page.

On screen, this would work very well and a lot of the complaints people had...such as the overwriting of the action sequences...would simply disappear in the transition.

In terms of the problem I had with the logic. It seems to me that you could cure it simply by having him say he needs to go to the toilet for some fresh air. He can come right back, but that way you establish that maybe he did have the opportunity to do it, even if it seems implausible. At the moment, it just slightly undermines the punch of the otherwise excellent ending.

Rick

Quoted from Grandma Bear I just read yours since I didn't get to it during the OWC. First of all, your script did not come in last. They are listed in alphabetical order.   I liked this one. I like stories where in the end, you're not really sure if it was real or not. My clown elevator script was like that too and people got hung up on the "was it real or not" thing. The writing itself was clunky. Often weird word choices and such. If I had read this one and not known who wrote it, I would've guessed a non native English speaking person had written it. I used to get the same complaints on my scripts, but not anymore. Anyway, I liked the idea and thought it creepy how Dracula kept singling Hank out in the crowd. So, good job from me. I would probably have given it a CONSIDER, even if not a strong one.

Hey Pia, thanks for your opinion, I'm happy you liked it and you got the ending, as quite a few commenters didn't seem to. I was aiming at an ending like you see them often in series like 'Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction' or 'Twilight Zone' - which has the audience guessing in the end. Was it Hank's dream, and the dead actor is a coincidence? Did he have some kind of an out-of-body-experience due to his flu medication?

I only gave a consider to yours, didn't pick the recommend because of the extra pages and a few problems I had with the girl MC, I hope that's okay for you

Cheers

Hey Rick,

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films This script is a lot better than you are probably thinking, right now.

Thanks. I knew it wasn't perfect as I only invested like 3 hours from reading the OWC rules to the idea to the script submission. I know I can do better with the language issues mentioned.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Writers are in some ways the very best people to review scripts, and in some ways the very worst! They can give you fantastic advice on how to improve your writing, and have many great ideas, but sometimes they are very taken with the written word and don't see the woods for the trees in terms of how good the final product...the film..would actually be once separated from the words on the page.

Can't blame them for that, not every writer is a film maker (me either), so most will only have the written words to judge. However, I always wonder how anybody would rate a script after bailing out after 1 or 2 pages. In that case I wouldn't post any comment at all because there's no chance in the world it would be a fair judgement.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films On screen, this would work very well and a lot of the complaints people had...such as the overwriting of the action sequences...would simply disappear in the transition.

I just read an article from an agent complaining about dull action / fight scenes a day before. In an example she gave, the script she read was building up the suspense towards a climax which would be a showdown fight between the protag and the villain. Full of expectations, she turned to the next page, and the fight was handled in a single line which was something like:

'XXX and YYY fight'

Under the line she encouraged to write out fight scenes in detail and she recommended studying martial arts techniques to get better at it.

So I guess that's what came over me when I wrote this one. Retrospectively, I guess it was not a good article

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films In terms of the problem I had with the logic. It seems to me that you could cure it simply by having him say he needs to go to the toilet for some fresh air. He can come right back, but that way you establish that maybe he did have the opportunity to do it, even if it seems implausible. At the moment, it just slightly undermines the punch of the otherwise excellent ending.

That's a nice idea. Would add another possibility to the ones I already mentioned in my last post.