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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Parts Are Such Sweet Sorrow - OWC
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  Author    Parts Are Such Sweet Sorrow - OWC  (currently 2961 views)
bert
Posted: October 27th, 2015, 7:33am Report to Moderator
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More of a sketch, but fine for what it is.  

THE GOOD:  I think many of these jokes would land, provided you had skilled performers delivering them. Ring of Fire amongst the best of these, for me.  A nice dialogue-driven piece, that zips along, is a nice change of pace amidst all the horror scripts that tend towards tone-heavy and long on description.  I enjoyed this.    

THE BAD:  Too many puns for my taste.  But humor is subjective.  Some of the horror is a bit low brow, moving from lighthearted to overtly sexual, so the tone is a little inconsistent.  The important "uni-brow" punchline made no sense to me.    

bert's grade:  B-    


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Gum
Posted: October 27th, 2015, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed it, the jokes landed well, and the writing’s top drawer.

I grew up watching Herman Munster and always loved the idiot savant he was. 'This' reminded me of The Munsters in a youthful nostalgic way… so thanks for that.

It also has a quirky Mel Brooks – Young Frankenstein atmosphere about it, especially the ending. Not sure you could add to, or take away anything without losing its simplicity.
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IamGlenn
Posted: October 29th, 2015, 7:43am Report to Moderator
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:)

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Elsa Lanchester,

Your logline isn't really a logline..

"FRANKENSTEIN
We were literally made for each
other."
Nice!

I liked most of this. Some of the jokes fell flat but a lot were very funny. I liked the ending too, actually didn't see that coming. Get rid of the stuff that doesn't work (Johnny Cash, uni-brow) and your onto a winner here.

Good job.

Glenn.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 30th, 2015, 9:28am Report to Moderator
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The good news...

Peeps seem to enjoy this for some reason.

The not so good news...

References to "Frankenstein" are incorrect - Frankenstein was the Doctor, not the monster, but many peeps seem to confuse this.

The bad news...

I'm out after the first passage.  I cannot stand this smarmy style.

Obviously a pisser, with zero effort to meet the actual challenge.

I will not waste anymore time on this garbage.

Grade...

D-
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 30th, 2015, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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I agree with Jeff about the names. It's Frankenstein's Monster, not Frankenstein The Monster. Easy fix. Just refer to your characters as The Monster and The Bride.  

I didn't see this as a horror at all. A dismembered body does not qualify alone to make a film a horror. For example, I watched Kill Bill about a month or so ...again, and there you have many many people being dismembered with swords. Blood spraying all over the place, but it's not a horror film. This one was a comedy, for sure with a horrific visual in the tub, but that does not make this a horror, IMO.

Interestingly though, it was also the only thing visually interesting. The rest of the time, these characters just sit and talk and talk. The dialogue was pretty good though and I enjoyed that, but story wise and genre, this one didn't deliver for me.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 30th, 2015, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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Loved it.

Look it needs a tidy, like the Frankstein monster thing, but hey folks this is a OWC

Concept wise, frank and his bird go to counselling is alone a sales point. I laughed just at the idea.

The end of with the killed counsellor and frank in a red velvet smoking jacket was great. I could picture him putting in the grammar phone and lighting candles

I agree more can be done, but that's what a OWC is about, finding something to work on. Filmable too.

I think I would go more dark comedy. Have them argue at home. Frank looks up the counsellor sees the big jugs and off they go. Could almost have them have sex at the end with the body in the room etc

The problem with the horror tag in the OWC is that it doesn't permit this variety too well.

Fun effort


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 30th, 2015, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
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Don't ever disrespect the doc again ya heard? Seriously though, I was sort of under the impression that the monster kinda debo'ed the Frankenstein namesake. I think as long as it wasnt referred to Frankenstein in dialogue, you get a pass.

The writer went to the cheese castle with this, some of it worked for me. The counseling session was clever although the humor feels slightly outdated. Of course the last punchline was the best.

+ Humorous in places
+ Fun premise
+ Could attract some serious option interest
+ Well written

- Jokes need a lot of salt and pepper
- The gags rely too much on appearances (but the dick thing was setup well)
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wonkavite
Posted: November 1st, 2015, 4:32am Report to Moderator
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OMG!  I started this script thinking that the first few lines were a bit awkwardly written.

THEN the humor kicked in!  You've got some terrific, goofy zingers in here.  Honestly, it really works for the comedy riff it is... you had me as early as 'nuts and bolts.'

LOL... and I have a sneaking suspicion who this is...  

Cheers,

--J (W)
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wonkavite
Posted: November 7th, 2015, 9:07am Report to Moderator
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Hey, David -

PM me on this one... it was cute!  
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 7th, 2015, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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Nice work Dave. Didn't do anything for me, but, yet again, another solid effort.
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eldave1
Posted: November 7th, 2015, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot
Nice work Dave. Didn't do anything for me, but, yet again, another solid effort.


Thanks, dude - and congrats again on Puta Grasa - well done!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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