SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 3:07pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Puta Grasa - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Puta Grasa - OWC  (currently 5116 views)
Don
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 11:01am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Puta Grasa by Gaston Leroux - Short, Horror - With the help of a mysterious stranger, an unattractive, homosexual strip joint janitor overcomes stiff employment odds and prejudices regarding his right to dance at the club. 9 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
bert
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
Administrator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4232
Posts Per Day
0.61
This logline has a great WTF feel to it.  Horror, you say?  

THE GOOD:  Startling in its originality.  The writing is crisp, and shows great care in the choice of words.  I like this one.  A great, unexpected spin on the Phantom.

THE BAD:  You made some interesting dramatic choices that may turn some readers off, but that is just a matter of taste.  Nothing wrong with following your instincts and writing the piece as you wanted to write it.  

bert's grade:  A    


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 45
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3382
Posts Per Day
0.63
It's written well. You chose an interesting twist on the Phantom story.

There's definitely potential here.

I can't quite buy the story as yet, however.

The complete absence of any Police investigation whilst a series of people are being killed in a crowded club where they work,  and the way Raul just seems to accept them all disappearing, seems a little convenient.

It also feels a little like it's trying too hard to shock.

For me, it would work better if it was all a bit more understated. I think I'd be tempted to get rid of Erico as a character and have Cristiano be the killer. His history of abuse, and his desire to be a dancer sending him over the edge.

It's got the bones of something good, though. It's the best I've read thus far.

It's the first I've read that I would actually consider making, personally.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 45
RKeller
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
39
Posts Per Day
0.01
SPOILERS

Pg 5
"...polishing something..."  Nice.

= = = = = = = = = =
Rather than killing all the girls, why didn't Erico just take Cristiano away from it all?  That's a ton of work just to see him dance.  Or just kill Raul first rather than last.  Why wouldn't Christian kill Raul, which may be more satisfying.
Why would any stripper work in this town?  All those posters are very clear warnings.
Well-written.  You understand the rules of screenplay dialogue and exposition better than most here.  I wish all scripts were this easy to read and follow.
You followed the rules, except maybe for the Classic horror requirement.  Maybe it's here somehow and I missed it.

EDIT
Just read another review: PHANTOM.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 45
Grandma Bear
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 8:13am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7961
Posts Per Day
1.36
I liked this story. Lots of black on the page IMHO, but the story is good. The only thing I wasn't too crazy about were the kills. I mean, who stabs someone in the face? I think most people would go for some place else. The beginning felt a little Dusk to Dawn which is a plus, btw.

Good job! Hope more people read this. Lots of lesser stories seem to be getting more reads and this one not enough. It deserves more attention.

Good luck!  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 45
Logan McDonald
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 10:29am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Astoria, NY
Posts
56
Posts Per Day
0.02
I read this one last night on the train home. The music I was listening to matched perfectly with what I was reading. Most notably Techno Love Song by Cocorosie and Dance Yourself Clean by LCD Soundsystem. This is written very well to the point where I was creating shots in my head but the original voice was still shining through. Great job!


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 45
khamanna
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 10:46am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
This gave me a shrill.

You nicely worked drama into the story.And that's what holds my attention - the drama.
The only thing I didn't understand how's Raul abuses Christiano right in front of Valentina.
But maybe it's like that - he does that in front of her and she doesn't care and thus she deserves to die. That way her death is satisfactory.
I wish she had more menace in her to deserve being killed.

Nice story IMO.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 45
MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
The logline is a hell of a mouthful….and I say that with no smutty puns intended!

A very original take on the Phantom story. Very well written, crisp and easy to follow.

It’s all a bit weird though, which may not be a bad thing but there’s things which don’t make sense or are frustratingly not answered. For example, I’d like to know why the Phantom protects Cristiano and who he is, why he operates from a strip joint? This backstory isn’t explored at all and yet this is the classic monster. He’s just there and he just does what he does because….? Well we don’t know.

It also seemed a bit beyond my suspense of disbelief the Phantom’s plan is just to kill all the girls until there’s no one left but Cristiano. Killing women on the premises would leave a lot of evidence, a lot of blood to clean up which would be hard to do. The police would be involved if all these girls went missing and they all worked at the same strip joint.

I don’t think you can die from a stab wound to the face but I wouldn’t like to try it.

Still, this was a good read. Maybe a bit beyond the low-budget aspect. The mutilated maggot covered corpses blows the one good make-up FX stipulation also. But it was a modern and original take on the Phantom story.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 45
AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) The Phantom isn't really shown hiding out, and his obsession with Cristiano seems a stretch

Good bits:-
1) Interesting logline
2) Nice twist on the classic tale
3) Very well written
4) Great visual style

Rules
Yep think this fits more or less

Overall I thought this was really well written and I enjoyed it.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 8 - 45
ABennettWriter
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
San Francisco, CA
Posts
864
Posts Per Day
0.14
I really, really liked this but had no idea it was the PHANTOM until I read another review.

Smart, clear writing. I could visualize everything.

Good job!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 45
DustinBowcot
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Author of the Phantom of the Opera as the pseudonym. I see why 'the other Gaston Leroux' was used in the other phantom script now. Probably the first thing anyone would think of in terms of a pseudonym for a phantom script. We'll probably get several Bram Stokers and Mary Shelley's too. Or, perhaps not. The Phantom is a rare choice. Let's see if this is as good as the last one.

Logline hints at a comedic tone. Like you're toying with us.

Very well written. Enjoyable story. I'm guessing that Erico, the Phantom, doesn't actually exist and is a figment of Christiano's imagination. Christiano is so obsessed with himself that he invents the phantom as an adoring fan. I get that from the fact that you made a point of showing us that Christiano is never around when there is somebody there to witness them both (he and the phantom) together.

Anyway, nice job.

7 out of 10.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 10 - 45
Equinox
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Germany
Posts
345
Posts Per Day
0.10
This is easy to read and understand, Dustin's interpretation about Erico being his imagination makes sense, if it was intended this way, I didn't get it when I first read it.

I think this is a good and well-written script but the story is not quite my taste. I'm not prude or anything, but the visuals used here at the start of the script felt a bit like how I would imagine a gay porno movie to start. I'm not gay and I've got no problems with gay people, but I dislike when homosexuals are being displayed in cliché setups, in your case, a gay janitor who dreams of being a pole dancer.

But that's just my taste, no issues I found with the script and I could easily visualize it, just a bit too cliché for me.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 45
rendevous
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 7:20pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2354
Posts Per Day
0.43
The title sounds a bit rude, so it immediately caught my eye. I had to check the translation, seems it means Fat Whore, which is not quite as dirty as I was hoping, but never mind.

Don't really know what to make of this. It's thankfully typo free and well written. But the story of a guy who wants to dance in a strip club seems a strange and somewhat bizarre choice to make for this challenge.

I had to look back at previous comments as I got to the end not knowing which classic monster type thing this featured.
Oh, I've never seen Phantom of the Opera, as I avoid musicals and the like as much as I avoid vegetables.

Maybe this works a lot better if you have seen Phantom. But I haven't, so I've got no real idea what to make of it.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 12 - 45
Gum
Posted: October 27th, 2015, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Some travelling Circus...
Posts
832
Posts Per Day
0.42
Very clever take on the theme. I loved the gritty, gruesome, depravity of it all… muchacho!

I will say, however, you inadvertently robbed me of a deep, dark, cinematic vision of this with the opening, lol. That being, it’s eerily similar to the opening scene of the animated short “The Chubb Chubbs”… minus the pole grinding of course… it’s all good. The whole thing played out like a 3D carnival ride on smack.

Dustin beat me to it, but I was thinking the same about the Phantom being just that… a Phantom.

The tiny bit of exposition regarding Raul having Cristiano in his custody since he was eight, definitely helped to elaborate on why Cristiano was somewhat effeminate, that being, he grew up in a dressing room full of strippers.

“Raul shoves his c*ck into Cristiano’s mouth to keep him quiet.”

F*k... too funny. I almost fell off my chair a few times at the degradation behind some of this humor.

Killer writing!

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Gum  -  October 27th, 2015, 2:26pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 45
Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 27th, 2015, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57
I gotta feeling over this one ... It just could've the writer is a surprise - someone who likes Spanish and writes clean. Outside chance...

My thoughts whilst on a phone , sorry if typos

You needed the extra page - this is a dense story that needed to breath. Too much was forced at the end about why

I didn't like seeing the phantom at the end - I wanted to see his hat and nothing more. Who is the phantom etc he should be a projected sickness

A modern twist - damn right and well done. So much to like in the choices you made.

A suggestion - In the original story no one is ever caught . Perhaps he could set fire to the place as he dances. Go down in flames - maybe theycouldclap instead of burn as a noise effect

Protagonist - an abused young boy who wants to be the main girl - good stuff

Good work


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 45
 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    October 2015 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006