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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Puta Grasa - OWC
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  Author    Puta Grasa - OWC  (currently 5117 views)
JonnyBoy
Posted: October 27th, 2015, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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Cristiano IS Erico, right? At least that's what I took from it. Hardly anyone seems to have got this - so I'm either really clever or really wrong.

Really enjoyed this. A complete little story, well told right down to the opening and closing images. Strong, original characters, a unique and well evoked setting... really inventive take on the challenge. Not sure how 'production friendly' the blowjob under the desk is, and I have this nagging feeling it might work better on the page on than on film - where anything, down to the reactions of the extras, might scupper it - but hard to find too much to fault, really. If screenplays can be read as literature, this was a great read.

Top work.


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JonnyBoy  -  October 27th, 2015, 7:35pm
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 27th, 2015, 7:27pm Report to Moderator
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PUTA GRASA

This is not my type of story and that's not your problem. The story is super visual and the dialogue feels right for what it represents.

It just wants too much: be a satire, sexual abstract, ironic, have a charming vibe, mystery, a ruthless killer, splatter, abuse of a child themed. Should I laugh, cry, fear. It's that laissez faire attitude of the meaning that I personally dislike. I'm sorry.

It is done absolutely well crafted and undeniable clear in its destined expression.




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PrussianMosby  -  October 27th, 2015, 7:45pm
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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 27th, 2015, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting logline and good writing. I just honestly couldn't get past page 5-6. Just not my cup of tea sorry. Great writing and I'm sure the story is equally as good.
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IamGlenn
Posted: October 29th, 2015, 8:09am Report to Moderator
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:)

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Gaston Leroux I,

Great story. Really, really good work. Nothing really to add here. Enjoyed it a lot. Writing was superb, dark and twisted, a hit!

Great job.

Glenn.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 30th, 2015, 10:39am Report to Moderator
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The good news...

Well written, well set up, well played out with lots of thought, intrigue, and talent on display.

Love the uniqueness here. Using non generic settings is such a welcome sight!

The not so good news...

A few awkwardly phrased passages.

On Pages 4 and 5, I think using Mini Slugs would help, because Cristiano is hidden under the desk - it would read more fluently and clearly.

The bad news...

As written, this couldn't be filmed, based on 2 lines on Page 4 and 5, again - the stuff about shoving his cock in his mouth and cumming in his mouth.  I understand the intention, but you obviously can't show this.

Which leads me to a grade of...

A - This is by far the best I've read.  Great work!!
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 30th, 2015, 10:50am Report to Moderator
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Revisiting this before I cast my votes:

On the second read there's a couple of things I'm not sure about.

Erico seems to be both a fiction of Cristiano's mind AND a real-life alter ego of Cristiano. This seems somewhat contrived to me because he's been introduced to us as a 49 year old. I realise Cristano is in disguise at the end when he kills Raul...but it still seems to be cheating a little.

He's either a 49 year old mental fiction, or he's the same age as Cristiano.  Cristiano can be Erico in a Phantom disguise, but he can't be a 49 year old Erico in disguise.

I'd be interested in hearing others thoughts on that.

Maybe if Erico merely instructs Cristiano to kill Raul it would work better. That way he remains at least ambiguous...is he a fiction, or not?

It also occurs to me that the Phantom part of it makes little sense outside the confines of the OWC. Cristiano is obsessed with dancing, not with being the Phantom so it's hard to make sense of why he dresses like him at the end, or indeed even how, when he's been right with Raul at that moment.

Imagine watching it without knowing it contained a Classic Monster...would anyone understand what's going on?

I think if it's the case that he's a mental projection, then we really need some hint that he is obsessed with the Phantom in some way as well.


On the other hand if Erico is a genuine presence, it makes even less sense. Who is he? And why didn't he just take Cristiano away?

Anyway, good work again. Just not sure it totally works as yet.  For me this is top three. The flaws keep it from being the very best, though.

Rick

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Scar Tissue Films  -  October 30th, 2015, 11:03am
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 30th, 2015, 11:47am Report to Moderator
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That's an excellent point Rick, I've gone back in and took a look, you're quite right. But I still feel the logic is workable if the phantom doesn't exist. Christian can still be a 49-year-old phantom, at least in his own mind.

I think it would be easy to film in two different shots, so we get Raul's POV where he sees a skinny Christian in the phantom suit.. but the viewer sees a 49-year-old Erico instead. That would confirm everything, I think.

Anyway it's a good one. I'll have to put more effort in with my own next time.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 30th, 2015, 11:52am Report to Moderator
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This one is in my top three, but not number one. #1 is the other phantom.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 30th, 2015, 11:58am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
This one is in my top three, but not number one. #1 is the other phantom.


Yeah I liked that one too... hard to say which I prefer. I also liked the blob in the sea comedy, which will get a rec from me too. I also have several considers.
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Equinox
Posted: October 30th, 2015, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
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This is not among my favourites for the reasons I stated, after all it's a matter of personal taste for me here. My #1 is the other phantom as well. I originally wanted to write a phantom story too but thought another classic monster would work better for my story


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JonnyBoy
Posted: October 31st, 2015, 7:25am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
Erico seems to be both a fiction of Cristiano's mind AND a real-life alter ego of Cristiano. This seems somewhat contrived to me because he's been introduced to us as a 49 year old. I realise Cristano is in disguise at the end when he kills Raul...but it still seems to be cheating a little.

He's either a 49 year old mental fiction, or he's the same age as Cristiano.  Cristiano can be Erico in a Phantom disguise, but he can't be a 49 year old Erico in disguise.


Hmm. I guess I agree - that Raul starts talking about Cristiano as 'him', as though Cristiano was completely absent from the scene, perhaps needs a rethink. The way I read it, Erico was the more confident, commanding and I guess violent side of Cristiano's psyche - that he'll eventually embrace that and 'become' Erico is actually nicely foreshadowed at the top of page 4, when Cristiano stands backstage 'one half of his face hidden by shadow'.

Another way in which it might be tricky to realise on film: do you cast someone else as Erico, and if so do you try to make them look like an older version of Cristiano? Or do you try to have the same actor play both roles, in which case you're right, Rick - Erico should be the same age as Cristiano. A tricky one, that.

The knife in the face, by the way, seems to me to work thematically. Erico is disfigured, Cristiano unattractive and ignored for others considered more beautiful - to deliver the killer blow to the face makes a lot of sense for the story, even if it might not be the most obvious place to stab someone.

Those questions aside, this remains my favourite so far. Very original in terms of setting, nice to see people go urban and find the horror there. Be interested to hear what the writer has to say on the Erico/Cristiano connection.


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rendevous
Posted: October 31st, 2015, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from khamanna
This gave me a shrill.


It did? How loud was it?

R



Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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SAC
Posted: October 31st, 2015, 9:18pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Solid work, writing wise. The story just wasn't my cup of tea when all's said and done. This was haunting and it stays with you, and I can totally feel the vibe of it from start to finish. I don't know. Maybe I like this more than I actually think, but I feel there were better this time around. Very good work.

Steve


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wonkavite
Posted: November 1st, 2015, 4:44am Report to Moderator
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*Spoilers*

Um.  Uh...

The good news: whoever wrote this *is* a solid writer when it comes to sentence structure and dialogue.  And I'll give a bit of credit to the fact that this is a wildly imaginative, strange concept with bizarre characters.

But - for me - the story ranges all over the place.  Violence that just seems... too extreme and gratuitious to be justified.  People who know me are aware that neither violence nor strange sex scenes bug me - but the ones in this story seem out of place. Characters getting killed for more shock value, really, than story structure.  For me, it just didn't work as-is.  Though I'll give you a star or two for the Naked Lunch weirdness vibe.

Plus - it's really not in line with the challenge.  

But - some tweaks (not twerks!) are needed!  

Cheers,

--J (W)
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LC
Posted: November 1st, 2015, 7:12am Report to Moderator
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Yep, well written, but not my thing either, and I'm no prude either. Just not the kind of classic monster I'd imagine, and the gore did feel a little tacked on in places in the name of more 'horror'.

Few awkward phrases, including: severely high heels even though I know what you're aiming for there.

And I really wish you hadn't written: twerk twerk twerk to finish, but written it as a writer would i.e., gyrates to the music etc. Hey, that's just my opinion.


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