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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Puta Grasa - OWC
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  Author    Puta Grasa - OWC  (currently 5115 views)
eldave1
Posted: November 1st, 2015, 10:56am Report to Moderator
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I didn't love this as much as some others. It's a "B" for me - but could have been an "A" with some changes.

It is very well written - I could see all the scenes in my head and the pages passed by quickly.

I think this is a case where a little less would have been more. It starts with this very elegant and nuanced character in an emotionally desperate situation - and then goes a bit over the top with the sexual antics and face stabbings. Mind you - I'm not a prude by any stretch so in a vacuum, that stuff doesn't bother me at all. It's just in this case, for me, it derailed the story a bit - took over of you would. Kind of like if Stephen King wrote the first part and Tarintino wrote the last act. Either one great - but together, too much of a shift.

I did not see the monster as the phantom until I came back and read the other posts. Don't know if that is my lack of imagination or a problem with the reveal.

Anyway - I do think this is solid so the criticism above should be taken in that vein. A solid B from me.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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alffy
Posted: November 2nd, 2015, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one.

Spoilers!

I'm not sure how plausible it is that no one has checked the building for the missing girls though?

I'm guessing Erico and Cristiano are one and the same?

There's a good sense of darkness throughout the story, helped by the seedy setting.

Not much more to add.  One of the better efforts I've read so far.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 6th, 2015, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
The good news...


I love good news.



Quoted from Dreamscale

Well written,


Thank you Jeffrey, very decent of you to say.


Quoted from Dreamscale

well set up,


Yes, well it took me a couple of days, but I got there in the end. I did say I was going to try this time.


Quoted from Dreamscale

well played out


That'll be my talent at play. Ah, I see you make mention of it below.


Quoted from Dreamscale

with lots of thought, intrigue, and talent on display.


You'd be surprised at just how little thought this actually took, but I suppose everything is relative. A little to me could be huge to you, and most definitely is. Intrigue is my speciality. I don't like my stories to be predictable.


Quoted from Jeffrey
Love the uniqueness here. Using non generic settings is such a welcome sight!


An exclamation mark! And it's meant in a good way. If I had a frame, I'd stick it in one, the exclamation mark that is. Not making my stories predictable means they can often come across as unique. But thanks, it's a huge compliment, given that uniqueness is something we all strive to attain.


Quoted from Jeffrey Bush
The not so good news...


I suppose it couldn't last.


Quoted from Dreamscale

A few awkwardly phrased passages.


Well written with huge talent, blah, blah, blah... yet there are a few awkward passages. I bet you've been up a few of those in your time.


Quoted from Jeffrey Bush
On Pages 4 and 5, I think using Mini Slugs would help, because Cristiano is hidden under the desk - it would read more fluently and clearly.


I noticed that only one reader wasn't clear about it. It does specifically say in the action that he is hidden from Valentina. If it is missed then that is because the reader needs to read it a second time to see that I have put it in. Just like when we watch or read anything, often we will miss things as the story takes its twists and turns. As the writer, all I can do is put the words there. As the reader it is their job to read them.


Quoted from Jeffrey Bush
The bad news...

As written, this couldn't be filmed, based on 2 lines on Page 4 and 5, again - the stuff about shoving his cock in his mouth and cumming in his mouth.  I understand the intention, but you obviously can't show this.


Of course you could film it. It doesn't have to be actually done, but a prosthetic penis would work... and this is an over 18, so anything goes. Could even make the prosthetic penis taste of strawberries or something... would you prefer that?


Quoted from Jeffrey Bush
Which leads me to a grade of...

A - This is by far the best I've read.  


Thanks. I agree.


Quoted from My-Mate-Jeffrey
Great work!!


Double exclamation marks. This one is definitely going in a frame. I'm printing it right now.

Thanks for the review and the recommend, mate
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: November 6th, 2015, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats Dustin, really nice script and the banter has been fun too


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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IamGlenn
Posted: November 6th, 2015, 5:57pm Report to Moderator
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:)

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Great job, Dustin. My pick of the bunch.


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JonnyBoy
Posted: November 6th, 2015, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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Great job, Dustin - my single recommend on this OWC, I'll certainly look out for your stuff in future!

Now the question we're all thinking: have you ever worked as a tent boy?!


Guess who's back? Back again?
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Grandma Bear
Posted: November 6th, 2015, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
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Congratulations Dustin! I think you've come a long way since you first joined SS. Quick and humble enough to see where things work and where it doesn't and changing accordingly. Good job!  


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Dreamscale
Posted: November 7th, 2015, 12:49am Report to Moderator
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It's sad how you choose to respond to my review and gloat or whatever it is you're doing, Dustin.  Do you think this makes you look better or something?  It doesn't.  

It was a great effort here and I'm shocked you wrote it, but then again, I guess if I really thought about it, this makes perfect sense...it's autobiographical, right?  

No need to be such a dick, Dustin.  I have no problem calling a spade a spade and a diamond, a diamond.  This is an emerald, and it's a damn good script, as far as I see.

Well done.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 7th, 2015, 4:33am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
It's sad how you choose to respond to my review and gloat or whatever it is you're doing, Dustin.  Do you think this makes you look better or something?  It doesn't.


It's a perfectly reasonable response, particularly after comments like these from you:


Quoted from Dreamscale
As for Dustin, all I know is what I always know about his - it was one of the poorer written entries, totally forgettable, completely unbelievable, LOL dialogue, and one I sure as Hell didn't bother finishing.



Quoted from Dreamscale
The thing is, it won't be merely my comments on Dustin's script..most likely, everyone hated it.



Quoted from Dreamscale
I cannot wait to see which horrendous effort was his...and remember, this was the OWC that he guaranteed a strong showing.  Ha!!  Cannot wait!!!


You seriously cannot see what I'm gloating about? All of those exclamation marks where you're clearly enjoying being safe in the knowledge that you'll hate my script without knowing which one it is.

This isn't the first time either. There was another OWC script of mine that you liked too, Second Chances. The one with the Priest and the Serial Killer that you will no doubt feign not remembering... because you're a dishonest person. If you knew that either of the scripts were mine then you wouldn't have rated them at all. It is only now, with your back against the wall, that you have to stand by what you said.


Quoted from Dreamscale
It was a great effort here and I'm shocked you wrote it, but then again, I guess if I really thought about it, this makes perfect sense...it's autobiographical, right?  


I know you're shocked that I wrote it... I played you. That was exactly what I wanted you to think. Remember before you'd read Puta Grasa, I told you that you had already read mine and couldn't get through it. I then sat back and enjoyed the reaction I knew you would give. How confident you were, LOL.

I pushed you into making those negative comments just so that I could cut n paste them here and gloat after the reveal.


Quoted from Dreamscale
No need to be such a dick, Dustin.


Yes there is... because you're such a massive dick that I am left with no other choice but to be an even bigger dick.


Quoted from Dreamscale

I have no problem calling a spade a spade and a diamond, a diamond.  This is an emerald, and it's a damn good script, as far as I see.

Well done.


You've said that already. It was better when you really meant it.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 7th, 2015, 4:39am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the props from everyone else. I had some fun writing it and I'm glad that the majority of readers got something from it too.
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 7th, 2015, 11:03am Report to Moderator
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As always, you show your true colors, Dustin.  It's both sad and comical, really.

I honestly can't remember anyone else who has shown this type of an attitude after receiving praise and a top 3 finish.

You should really be ashamed of yourself.  You're like a little kid the way you're acting.  It's all here for everyone to see, so you're not going to be able to live it down.

Glad you have a chance to be proud of something you wrote for a change, as opposed to the usual complete embarrassment.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 7th, 2015, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
As always, you show your true colors, Dustin.  It's both sad and comical, really.


Unlike your fraudulent shrek-like self, yes, I do show my true colours.


Quoted from Dreamscale
I honestly can't remember anyone else who has shown this type of an attitude after receiving praise and a top 3 finish.


I've received lots of praise for my work... just look through some of the responses by clicking the links in my sig. The top 3 finish doesn't mean anything other than bragging rights and a mug. It doesn't make my story any better, or any more likely to be produced. I have written another quality story. That is all. What I am extremely thankful for is the inspiration. Without it, the story wouldn't be here.


Quoted from Dreamscale

You should really be ashamed of yourself.  You're like a little kid the way you're acting.  It's all here for everyone to see, so you're not going to be able to live it down.


No, you should be ashamed of yourself. Slagging off other entries without entering yourself. You're a coward. Afraid of getting the same medicine back... because you know that's what will happen. The best you can hope for is average and even then, only if people are in an obliging mood.




Quoted from Dreamscale

Glad you have a chance to be proud of something you wrote for a change, as opposed to the usual complete embarrassment.


4 out of 6 of my latest shorts have been optioned and are in development/production. I'm waiting for the option agreement on a radio play. That's just recently. I have lots that I'm proud of.

You can't write for shit and have built a reputation at this site by parroting what other people can't be bothered to Google.

Outside of this site, both you and your writing talent are worthless. I had to laugh upon seeing one of your OWC shorts hit STS. Complete and utter shit. A schoolboy script. Made you feel good though, I bet. Nice to have friends that care. All that exposure though and it's still sitting there. Nobody will ever want to make that crap. It's not just that it's a crap story... it's the writing. You have the voice of a 14-year-old boy.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: November 7th, 2015, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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I am very, very pleasantly surprised at the reveal here. This was one of my three recommends!

When I first came to the simply scripts boards quite a few moons ago, I thought Dustin’s scripts were very raw, full of uncontained fury but full of potential. I’m pleased to say, from a personal point of view, I think your writing has gone from strength to strength, which is a testament to all the hard work you do. You have managed to channel that rawness into compelling but still very edgy storytelling and the praise for Puta Grasa is very much deserved.

Well done pal!


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Equinox
Posted: November 7th, 2015, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
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Nice script Dustin, congrats. Wasn't my cup of tea but it's certainly not undeserved.

And by the way: Your 'exchange' with Dreamscale makes both of you look like 14 year old boys, but I enjoy it, so keep it up please


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Marcela
Posted: November 7th, 2015, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, I could feel the dark, murky atmosphere. I didn't understand the title! The whole script really grabbed me, from the start to the end, I got confused a couple of times along the way. The ending is a bit too sad, I kinda relate to the pitiful young man and am now left with a fear that my own life may not turn out well in the end! Maybe I shouldn't read horror scripts!


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