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Puta Grasa by Gaston Leroux - Short, Horror - With the help of a mysterious stranger, an unattractive, homosexual strip joint janitor overcomes stiff employment odds and prejudices regarding his right to dance at the club. 9 pages - pdf, format
This logline has a great WTF feel to it. Horror, you say?
THE GOOD: Startling in its originality. The writing is crisp, and shows great care in the choice of words. I like this one. A great, unexpected spin on the Phantom.
THE BAD: You made some interesting dramatic choices that may turn some readers off, but that is just a matter of taste. Nothing wrong with following your instincts and writing the piece as you wanted to write it.
It's written well. You chose an interesting twist on the Phantom story.
There's definitely potential here.
I can't quite buy the story as yet, however.
The complete absence of any Police investigation whilst a series of people are being killed in a crowded club where they work, and the way Raul just seems to accept them all disappearing, seems a little convenient.
It also feels a little like it's trying too hard to shock.
For me, it would work better if it was all a bit more understated. I think I'd be tempted to get rid of Erico as a character and have Cristiano be the killer. His history of abuse, and his desire to be a dancer sending him over the edge.
It's got the bones of something good, though. It's the best I've read thus far.
It's the first I've read that I would actually consider making, personally.
= = = = = = = = = = Rather than killing all the girls, why didn't Erico just take Cristiano away from it all? That's a ton of work just to see him dance. Or just kill Raul first rather than last. Why wouldn't Christian kill Raul, which may be more satisfying. Why would any stripper work in this town? All those posters are very clear warnings. Well-written. You understand the rules of screenplay dialogue and exposition better than most here. I wish all scripts were this easy to read and follow. You followed the rules, except maybe for the Classic horror requirement. Maybe it's here somehow and I missed it.
I liked this story. Lots of black on the page IMHO, but the story is good. The only thing I wasn't too crazy about were the kills. I mean, who stabs someone in the face? I think most people would go for some place else. The beginning felt a little Dusk to Dawn which is a plus, btw.
Good job! Hope more people read this. Lots of lesser stories seem to be getting more reads and this one not enough. It deserves more attention.
I read this one last night on the train home. The music I was listening to matched perfectly with what I was reading. Most notably Techno Love Song by Cocorosie and Dance Yourself Clean by LCD Soundsystem. This is written very well to the point where I was creating shots in my head but the original voice was still shining through. Great job!
You nicely worked drama into the story.And that's what holds my attention - the drama. The only thing I didn't understand how's Raul abuses Christiano right in front of Valentina. But maybe it's like that - he does that in front of her and she doesn't care and thus she deserves to die. That way her death is satisfactory. I wish she had more menace in her to deserve being killed.
The logline is a hell of a mouthful….and I say that with no smutty puns intended!
A very original take on the Phantom story. Very well written, crisp and easy to follow.
It’s all a bit weird though, which may not be a bad thing but there’s things which don’t make sense or are frustratingly not answered. For example, I’d like to know why the Phantom protects Cristiano and who he is, why he operates from a strip joint? This backstory isn’t explored at all and yet this is the classic monster. He’s just there and he just does what he does because….? Well we don’t know.
It also seemed a bit beyond my suspense of disbelief the Phantom’s plan is just to kill all the girls until there’s no one left but Cristiano. Killing women on the premises would leave a lot of evidence, a lot of blood to clean up which would be hard to do. The police would be involved if all these girls went missing and they all worked at the same strip joint.
I don’t think you can die from a stab wound to the face but I wouldn’t like to try it.
Still, this was a good read. Maybe a bit beyond the low-budget aspect. The mutilated maggot covered corpses blows the one good make-up FX stipulation also. But it was a modern and original take on the Phantom story.
-Mark
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Author of the Phantom of the Opera as the pseudonym. I see why 'the other Gaston Leroux' was used in the other phantom script now. Probably the first thing anyone would think of in terms of a pseudonym for a phantom script. We'll probably get several Bram Stokers and Mary Shelley's too. Or, perhaps not. The Phantom is a rare choice. Let's see if this is as good as the last one.
Logline hints at a comedic tone. Like you're toying with us.
Very well written. Enjoyable story. I'm guessing that Erico, the Phantom, doesn't actually exist and is a figment of Christiano's imagination. Christiano is so obsessed with himself that he invents the phantom as an adoring fan. I get that from the fact that you made a point of showing us that Christiano is never around when there is somebody there to witness them both (he and the phantom) together.
This is easy to read and understand, Dustin's interpretation about Erico being his imagination makes sense, if it was intended this way, I didn't get it when I first read it.
I think this is a good and well-written script but the story is not quite my taste. I'm not prude or anything, but the visuals used here at the start of the script felt a bit like how I would imagine a gay porno movie to start. I'm not gay and I've got no problems with gay people, but I dislike when homosexuals are being displayed in cliché setups, in your case, a gay janitor who dreams of being a pole dancer.
But that's just my taste, no issues I found with the script and I could easily visualize it, just a bit too cliché for me.
The title sounds a bit rude, so it immediately caught my eye. I had to check the translation, seems it means Fat Whore, which is not quite as dirty as I was hoping, but never mind.
Don't really know what to make of this. It's thankfully typo free and well written. But the story of a guy who wants to dance in a strip club seems a strange and somewhat bizarre choice to make for this challenge.
I had to look back at previous comments as I got to the end not knowing which classic monster type thing this featured. Oh, I've never seen Phantom of the Opera, as I avoid musicals and the like as much as I avoid vegetables.
Maybe this works a lot better if you have seen Phantom. But I haven't, so I've got no real idea what to make of it.
Very clever take on the theme. I loved the gritty, gruesome, depravity of it all… muchacho!
I will say, however, you inadvertently robbed me of a deep, dark, cinematic vision of this with the opening, lol. That being, it’s eerily similar to the opening scene of the animated short “The Chubb Chubbs”… minus the pole grinding of course… it’s all good. The whole thing played out like a 3D carnival ride on smack.
Dustin beat me to it, but I was thinking the same about the Phantom being just that… a Phantom.
The tiny bit of exposition regarding Raul having Cristiano in his custody since he was eight, definitely helped to elaborate on why Cristiano was somewhat effeminate, that being, he grew up in a dressing room full of strippers.
“Raul shoves his c*ck into Cristiano’s mouth to keep him quiet.”
F*k... too funny. I almost fell off my chair a few times at the degradation behind some of this humor.
I gotta feeling over this one ... It just could've the writer is a surprise - someone who likes Spanish and writes clean. Outside chance...
My thoughts whilst on a phone , sorry if typos
You needed the extra page - this is a dense story that needed to breath. Too much was forced at the end about why
I didn't like seeing the phantom at the end - I wanted to see his hat and nothing more. Who is the phantom etc he should be a projected sickness
A modern twist - damn right and well done. So much to like in the choices you made.
A suggestion - In the original story no one is ever caught . Perhaps he could set fire to the place as he dances. Go down in flames - maybe theycouldclap instead of burn as a noise effect
Protagonist - an abused young boy who wants to be the main girl - good stuff
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Cristiano IS Erico, right? At least that's what I took from it. Hardly anyone seems to have got this - so I'm either really clever or really wrong.
Really enjoyed this. A complete little story, well told right down to the opening and closing images. Strong, original characters, a unique and well evoked setting... really inventive take on the challenge. Not sure how 'production friendly' the blowjob under the desk is, and I have this nagging feeling it might work better on the page on than on film - where anything, down to the reactions of the extras, might scupper it - but hard to find too much to fault, really. If screenplays can be read as literature, this was a great read.
This is not my type of story and that's not your problem. The story is super visual and the dialogue feels right for what it represents.
It just wants too much: be a satire, sexual abstract, ironic, have a charming vibe, mystery, a ruthless killer, splatter, abuse of a child themed. Should I laugh, cry, fear. It's that laissez faire attitude of the meaning that I personally dislike. I'm sorry.
It is done absolutely well crafted and undeniable clear in its destined expression.
Interesting logline and good writing. I just honestly couldn't get past page 5-6. Just not my cup of tea sorry. Great writing and I'm sure the story is equally as good.
Well written, well set up, well played out with lots of thought, intrigue, and talent on display.
Love the uniqueness here. Using non generic settings is such a welcome sight!
The not so good news...
A few awkwardly phrased passages.
On Pages 4 and 5, I think using Mini Slugs would help, because Cristiano is hidden under the desk - it would read more fluently and clearly.
The bad news...
As written, this couldn't be filmed, based on 2 lines on Page 4 and 5, again - the stuff about shoving his cock in his mouth and cumming in his mouth. I understand the intention, but you obviously can't show this.
Which leads me to a grade of...
A - This is by far the best I've read. Great work!!
On the second read there's a couple of things I'm not sure about.
Erico seems to be both a fiction of Cristiano's mind AND a real-life alter ego of Cristiano. This seems somewhat contrived to me because he's been introduced to us as a 49 year old. I realise Cristano is in disguise at the end when he kills Raul...but it still seems to be cheating a little.
He's either a 49 year old mental fiction, or he's the same age as Cristiano. Cristiano can be Erico in a Phantom disguise, but he can't be a 49 year old Erico in disguise.
I'd be interested in hearing others thoughts on that.
Maybe if Erico merely instructs Cristiano to kill Raul it would work better. That way he remains at least ambiguous...is he a fiction, or not?
It also occurs to me that the Phantom part of it makes little sense outside the confines of the OWC. Cristiano is obsessed with dancing, not with being the Phantom so it's hard to make sense of why he dresses like him at the end, or indeed even how, when he's been right with Raul at that moment.
Imagine watching it without knowing it contained a Classic Monster...would anyone understand what's going on?
I think if it's the case that he's a mental projection, then we really need some hint that he is obsessed with the Phantom in some way as well.
On the other hand if Erico is a genuine presence, it makes even less sense. Who is he? And why didn't he just take Cristiano away?
Anyway, good work again. Just not sure it totally works as yet. For me this is top three. The flaws keep it from being the very best, though.
That's an excellent point Rick, I've gone back in and took a look, you're quite right. But I still feel the logic is workable if the phantom doesn't exist. Christian can still be a 49-year-old phantom, at least in his own mind.
I think it would be easy to film in two different shots, so we get Raul's POV where he sees a skinny Christian in the phantom suit.. but the viewer sees a 49-year-old Erico instead. That would confirm everything, I think.
Anyway it's a good one. I'll have to put more effort in with my own next time.
This one is in my top three, but not number one. #1 is the other phantom.
Yeah I liked that one too... hard to say which I prefer. I also liked the blob in the sea comedy, which will get a rec from me too. I also have several considers.
This is not among my favourites for the reasons I stated, after all it's a matter of personal taste for me here. My #1 is the other phantom as well. I originally wanted to write a phantom story too but thought another classic monster would work better for my story
Erico seems to be both a fiction of Cristiano's mind AND a real-life alter ego of Cristiano. This seems somewhat contrived to me because he's been introduced to us as a 49 year old. I realise Cristano is in disguise at the end when he kills Raul...but it still seems to be cheating a little.
He's either a 49 year old mental fiction, or he's the same age as Cristiano. Cristiano can be Erico in a Phantom disguise, but he can't be a 49 year old Erico in disguise.
Hmm. I guess I agree - that Raul starts talking about Cristiano as 'him', as though Cristiano was completely absent from the scene, perhaps needs a rethink. The way I read it, Erico was the more confident, commanding and I guess violent side of Cristiano's psyche - that he'll eventually embrace that and 'become' Erico is actually nicely foreshadowed at the top of page 4, when Cristiano stands backstage 'one half of his face hidden by shadow'.
Another way in which it might be tricky to realise on film: do you cast someone else as Erico, and if so do you try to make them look like an older version of Cristiano? Or do you try to have the same actor play both roles, in which case you're right, Rick - Erico should be the same age as Cristiano. A tricky one, that.
The knife in the face, by the way, seems to me to work thematically. Erico is disfigured, Cristiano unattractive and ignored for others considered more beautiful - to deliver the killer blow to the face makes a lot of sense for the story, even if it might not be the most obvious place to stab someone.
Those questions aside, this remains my favourite so far. Very original in terms of setting, nice to see people go urban and find the horror there. Be interested to hear what the writer has to say on the Erico/Cristiano connection.
Solid work, writing wise. The story just wasn't my cup of tea when all's said and done. This was haunting and it stays with you, and I can totally feel the vibe of it from start to finish. I don't know. Maybe I like this more than I actually think, but I feel there were better this time around. Very good work.
The good news: whoever wrote this *is* a solid writer when it comes to sentence structure and dialogue. And I'll give a bit of credit to the fact that this is a wildly imaginative, strange concept with bizarre characters.
But - for me - the story ranges all over the place. Violence that just seems... too extreme and gratuitious to be justified. People who know me are aware that neither violence nor strange sex scenes bug me - but the ones in this story seem out of place. Characters getting killed for more shock value, really, than story structure. For me, it just didn't work as-is. Though I'll give you a star or two for the Naked Lunch weirdness vibe.
Plus - it's really not in line with the challenge.
Yep, well written, but not my thing either, and I'm no prude either. Just not the kind of classic monster I'd imagine, and the gore did feel a little tacked on in places in the name of more 'horror'.
Few awkward phrases, including: severely high heels even though I know what you're aiming for there.
And I really wish you hadn't written: twerk twerk twerk to finish, but written it as a writer would i.e., gyrates to the music etc. Hey, that's just my opinion.
I didn't love this as much as some others. It's a "B" for me - but could have been an "A" with some changes.
It is very well written - I could see all the scenes in my head and the pages passed by quickly.
I think this is a case where a little less would have been more. It starts with this very elegant and nuanced character in an emotionally desperate situation - and then goes a bit over the top with the sexual antics and face stabbings. Mind you - I'm not a prude by any stretch so in a vacuum, that stuff doesn't bother me at all. It's just in this case, for me, it derailed the story a bit - took over of you would. Kind of like if Stephen King wrote the first part and Tarintino wrote the last act. Either one great - but together, too much of a shift.
I did not see the monster as the phantom until I came back and read the other posts. Don't know if that is my lack of imagination or a problem with the reveal.
Anyway - I do think this is solid so the criticism above should be taken in that vein. A solid B from me.
Yes, well it took me a couple of days, but I got there in the end. I did say I was going to try this time.
Quoted from Dreamscale
well played out
That'll be my talent at play. Ah, I see you make mention of it below.
Quoted from Dreamscale
with lots of thought, intrigue, and talent on display.
You'd be surprised at just how little thought this actually took, but I suppose everything is relative. A little to me could be huge to you, and most definitely is. Intrigue is my speciality. I don't like my stories to be predictable.
Quoted from Jeffrey
Love the uniqueness here. Using non generic settings is such a welcome sight!
An exclamation mark! And it's meant in a good way. If I had a frame, I'd stick it in one, the exclamation mark that is. Not making my stories predictable means they can often come across as unique. But thanks, it's a huge compliment, given that uniqueness is something we all strive to attain.
Quoted from Jeffrey Bush
The not so good news...
I suppose it couldn't last.
Quoted from Dreamscale
A few awkwardly phrased passages.
Well written with huge talent, blah, blah, blah... yet there are a few awkward passages. I bet you've been up a few of those in your time.
Quoted from Jeffrey Bush
On Pages 4 and 5, I think using Mini Slugs would help, because Cristiano is hidden under the desk - it would read more fluently and clearly.
I noticed that only one reader wasn't clear about it. It does specifically say in the action that he is hidden from Valentina. If it is missed then that is because the reader needs to read it a second time to see that I have put it in. Just like when we watch or read anything, often we will miss things as the story takes its twists and turns. As the writer, all I can do is put the words there. As the reader it is their job to read them.
Quoted from Jeffrey Bush
The bad news...
As written, this couldn't be filmed, based on 2 lines on Page 4 and 5, again - the stuff about shoving his cock in his mouth and cumming in his mouth. I understand the intention, but you obviously can't show this.
Of course you could film it. It doesn't have to be actually done, but a prosthetic penis would work... and this is an over 18, so anything goes. Could even make the prosthetic penis taste of strawberries or something... would you prefer that?
Quoted from Jeffrey Bush
Which leads me to a grade of...
A - This is by far the best I've read.
Thanks. I agree.
Quoted from My-Mate-Jeffrey
Great work!!
Double exclamation marks. This one is definitely going in a frame. I'm printing it right now.
Congratulations Dustin! I think you've come a long way since you first joined SS. Quick and humble enough to see where things work and where it doesn't and changing accordingly. Good job!
It's sad how you choose to respond to my review and gloat or whatever it is you're doing, Dustin. Do you think this makes you look better or something? It doesn't.
It was a great effort here and I'm shocked you wrote it, but then again, I guess if I really thought about it, this makes perfect sense...it's autobiographical, right?
No need to be such a dick, Dustin. I have no problem calling a spade a spade and a diamond, a diamond. This is an emerald, and it's a damn good script, as far as I see.
It's sad how you choose to respond to my review and gloat or whatever it is you're doing, Dustin. Do you think this makes you look better or something? It doesn't.
It's a perfectly reasonable response, particularly after comments like these from you:
Quoted from Dreamscale
As for Dustin, all I know is what I always know about his - it was one of the poorer written entries, totally forgettable, completely unbelievable, LOL dialogue, and one I sure as Hell didn't bother finishing.
Quoted from Dreamscale
The thing is, it won't be merely my comments on Dustin's script..most likely, everyone hated it.
Quoted from Dreamscale
I cannot wait to see which horrendous effort was his...and remember, this was the OWC that he guaranteed a strong showing. Ha!! Cannot wait!!!
You seriously cannot see what I'm gloating about? All of those exclamation marks where you're clearly enjoying being safe in the knowledge that you'll hate my script without knowing which one it is.
This isn't the first time either. There was another OWC script of mine that you liked too, Second Chances. The one with the Priest and the Serial Killer that you will no doubt feign not remembering... because you're a dishonest person. If you knew that either of the scripts were mine then you wouldn't have rated them at all. It is only now, with your back against the wall, that you have to stand by what you said.
Quoted from Dreamscale
It was a great effort here and I'm shocked you wrote it, but then again, I guess if I really thought about it, this makes perfect sense...it's autobiographical, right?
I know you're shocked that I wrote it... I played you. That was exactly what I wanted you to think. Remember before you'd read Puta Grasa, I told you that you had already read mine and couldn't get through it. I then sat back and enjoyed the reaction I knew you would give. How confident you were, LOL.
I pushed you into making those negative comments just so that I could cut n paste them here and gloat after the reveal.
Quoted from Dreamscale
No need to be such a dick, Dustin.
Yes there is... because you're such a massive dick that I am left with no other choice but to be an even bigger dick.
Quoted from Dreamscale
I have no problem calling a spade a spade and a diamond, a diamond. This is an emerald, and it's a damn good script, as far as I see.
Well done.
You've said that already. It was better when you really meant it.
As always, you show your true colors, Dustin. It's both sad and comical, really.
I honestly can't remember anyone else who has shown this type of an attitude after receiving praise and a top 3 finish.
You should really be ashamed of yourself. You're like a little kid the way you're acting. It's all here for everyone to see, so you're not going to be able to live it down.
Glad you have a chance to be proud of something you wrote for a change, as opposed to the usual complete embarrassment.
As always, you show your true colors, Dustin. It's both sad and comical, really.
Unlike your fraudulent shrek-like self, yes, I do show my true colours.
Quoted from Dreamscale
I honestly can't remember anyone else who has shown this type of an attitude after receiving praise and a top 3 finish.
I've received lots of praise for my work... just look through some of the responses by clicking the links in my sig. The top 3 finish doesn't mean anything other than bragging rights and a mug. It doesn't make my story any better, or any more likely to be produced. I have written another quality story. That is all. What I am extremely thankful for is the inspiration. Without it, the story wouldn't be here.
Quoted from Dreamscale
You should really be ashamed of yourself. You're like a little kid the way you're acting. It's all here for everyone to see, so you're not going to be able to live it down.
No, you should be ashamed of yourself. Slagging off other entries without entering yourself. You're a coward. Afraid of getting the same medicine back... because you know that's what will happen. The best you can hope for is average and even then, only if people are in an obliging mood.
Quoted from Dreamscale
Glad you have a chance to be proud of something you wrote for a change, as opposed to the usual complete embarrassment.
4 out of 6 of my latest shorts have been optioned and are in development/production. I'm waiting for the option agreement on a radio play. That's just recently. I have lots that I'm proud of.
You can't write for shit and have built a reputation at this site by parroting what other people can't be bothered to Google.
Outside of this site, both you and your writing talent are worthless. I had to laugh upon seeing one of your OWC shorts hit STS. Complete and utter shit. A schoolboy script. Made you feel good though, I bet. Nice to have friends that care. All that exposure though and it's still sitting there. Nobody will ever want to make that crap. It's not just that it's a crap story... it's the writing. You have the voice of a 14-year-old boy.
I am very, very pleasantly surprised at the reveal here. This was one of my three recommends!
When I first came to the simply scripts boards quite a few moons ago, I thought Dustin’s scripts were very raw, full of uncontained fury but full of potential. I’m pleased to say, from a personal point of view, I think your writing has gone from strength to strength, which is a testament to all the hard work you do. You have managed to channel that rawness into compelling but still very edgy storytelling and the praise for Puta Grasa is very much deserved.
Well done pal!
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Wow, I could feel the dark, murky atmosphere. I didn't understand the title! The whole script really grabbed me, from the start to the end, I got confused a couple of times along the way. The ending is a bit too sad, I kinda relate to the pitiful young man and am now left with a fear that my own life may not turn out well in the end! Maybe I shouldn't read horror scripts!
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
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Puta Grasa - OWC
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