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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Ken - OWC
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  Author    Ken - OWC  (currently 2770 views)
Don
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 11:01am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Ken by Matt Tell - Short, Horror - An obsessive medical student conducts an experiment that will win her ex-boyfriend back even after death. - pdf, format


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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There are a hell of a lot of typos in this, which makes reading it more difficult than it should.

The standard of writing on here is very high these days, and this sticks out in comparison to other writers. It's something you need to sort out.

There is potential here. It's a simple story, but that's all you need. Not a bad effort, but you really need to at least run a spell check in future.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
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I have to agree with Rick. The typos in this one and the formatting errors are just a tad too distracting. I didn't finish it. Only read the first four. It's a shame actually because the writing, when imagined without the typos is not that bad. Did you write this on some device that don't transfer well to pdf? That's what it seemed like. I apologize for not finishing, but with 33 scripts to read, I don't want to spend time on scripts not ready.


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RKeller
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 11:10pm Report to Moderator
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Pg 1
Some of the SOUNDS should be upper-case.
dteesed

Pg 2
Rebecca' life

Pg 3
I ant
explores a paradise.  Hmmmm
Tebecca
elates   huh?
*20s)
Um, one more typo and I'm out.  If you can't take this seriously, neither will I.  Let's see.
And there it is: I;m just here for this -

Have you heard the news?  Modern, newfangled computers have SPELL CHESTERS!

Best of luck. Peace, out.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 12:02am Report to Moderator
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I just told Don "by Monday" but I made a decision.
If anyone wants to get through this, knock yourself out. My only request is that you give me input on the last few pages. I'm thinking about a slightly different ending anyway.

Formatting I knew would be an issue. I expected that, given that my main computer is still down and had to boot up an older Mac w/ my old FD5. To PDF I have to RTF it to Word, which screws with the margins. The best compromise for me was the extra space at the top for pg numbers. Look close, you'll see it.

While seeing for me right now is a bit of hell due to the old Mac and my recent surgery, I still did not expect the amount of careless typos in this script. I never been this rotten. But I take some solace in the following.

1- I used the OWC to test my current limits, if any.
Lesson learned. On that, mission accomplished.

2- It pales in comparison to the 7WC script The Feed where on my main puter I could see what the heck I'm doing and the formatting is fine. No, the problem there was I was on this crazy train, made it to p81 where a vampire grabs a cross from someone. Cross burns, Vampire hits dude with a burning cross while recording the event. Save the file, get some sleep wake up in the morning and it's Adios. You are stuck with this image in your brain for the following two months and counting. You know how it ends. You just have to put it aside for the time being. Now that's hell.

So, just to be clear. I'm not going to have the script taken down. Some people did give it a little time and I thank them for that. And some might roll the dice for a read anyway, but if folks are out by page 4 or 5, that's not helping me one iota. But I will request for those who haven't read Ken yet to hold off until the re-submissions unless you're going to comment on the story overall. I can at least clean up the typos and rewrite the last page. When the ballot comes out, simply mark "haven't read it".

BTW, RKeller, one does not need to CAP sounds anymore.


Thank you
DjS


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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Revision History (1 edits)
DarrenJamesSeeley  -  October 25th, 2015, 12:13am
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 1:09am Report to Moderator
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It's interesting that "Matt Tell" is the pen name, I was thinking the story would hit more on the doll obsession than the crazy ex angle. The dolls in the bedroom bit was the thing that stood out the most to me, but Rebecca seemed to have her crosshairs on the pair rather than just Ken.

That said, my suggestion would be to lose the girlfriend and focus on what makes Ken so perfect or doll-like to Rebecca in relation to her flaws. There's more page investment with a love triangle, and it took away from the potential orignality of the story.

I'm not sure what you had in mind for an ending, hopefully it works so you can clean it up and get it back on track. Good luck with it - sorry to hear about your recent troubles.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 5:40am Report to Moderator
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The typos kept on drawing me out of the story so I did read all of this but kept getting a bit distracted.

The Frankenstein angle is a bit tenuous. I’m not sure I believe she’s reanimated him just by using defibrillators, unless she's imagining she hears his heartbeat?  It's more like she's turned him into a human Ken Doll than Frankenstein's monster but maybe that’s the modern twist. I like how this takes the fanatical stalker psycho to the nth degree. Forget bunny boiling, Rebecca is scary as hell!

I hope you feel better soon and your computer problems are sorted.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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SAC
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

SPOILERS

Not a bad effort here. The closing image of Ken all stitched up with the mannequins arm was good. Felt like a proper end, but could've used some more. Ken answering her in his zombie-like state would have been good. Would've furthered where he is now, perhaps showing his love for her again although he's not quite himself anymore.

The tone was consistent, although things just seemed to happen too quickly and conveniently to further the story along. Some things, like the car crash, could've been premeditated instead of just an accident. That would've been more believable. But, overally, not bad. Good job.

Steve


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
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My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) As others have mentioned... typos
2) Not really sure there's a classic monster in this

Good bits:-
1) Matt Tell made me chuckle
2) The story is well written
3) Dialogue decent

Rules
As I said, not sure a dead guy with bit of mannequin stuck on him qualifies as a classic monster

Overall I thought this was well written despite the tyos (see what I did there?)

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
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Ken... Matt Tell. Barbie. Not really getting the classic monster vibe. Logline suggests a Frankenstein thing.. so maybe it'll be OK.

Yeah, Frankenstein. Like a sound clash, or remix with the doll angle too. I see what you're going for, but if you want this to work you need to give the idea 100% attention and make it work far better than you have here.

4 out of 10.
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EWall433
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 9:41am Report to Moderator
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I see the typos have been mentioned already. I won't bother to point them out since most will be fairly apparent on read through.

Storywise, the most interesting thing was she replaced Ken's brain with someone else's. At least I think she did. She still hung on to Ken's brain, though I have no idea why. I was actually curious whose brain she used instead of his, but that wasn't paid off. In fact, with the way Ken acted (or didn't act) at the end, you might think the brain transplant didn't go so well.

It does put me in mind of a girl saying, "If I could find a guy with his body and HIS brains...", so maybe you could develop more along those lines. A girl who's obsessed with TWO guys and tries to make them one. Otherwise this was a little too straightforward for me.
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ScenesUnwritten
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 10:59am Report to Moderator
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I initially could read past page 5 but then I saw your request and gave it a shot.  I must say that I actually enjoyed it.  It had a Fatal Attraction vibe and Rebecca was once crazy "witch".  I have to say the typos were bad but I was shock at some of the comments.  It seems that some people are borderline trolling on this instead of giving insightful remarks.

PROS: I liked the overall story and the character of Rebecca.  The dissolve to Jill's face was nice.  I liked the climax and the ending.

CONS: Cut the flashback Jill has about Ken.  Seemed a little unnecessary.  It can be tightened up a bit overall.

Good story.  
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
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The revision will be loaded up after the OWC. Spelling errors have been corrected.

Other changes:
* The flashback is now moved up to the front, Rebecca stalking in the background.

* Jill is no longer the cadaver in the lab. My 'second ending' had her as the new 'Bride' doll. (Bride Of Frankenstein)

Thanks all for reading.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 27th, 2015, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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The good...

Uh...not sure, actually.

The not so good...

Uh...not sure.

The bad news...

I'm out after Page 1.

Very poorly written, mistakes of every kind, typos, extremely dull.

For some reason, you're not writing complete sentences...not even close, which gives this a terrible feel.

Which leads me to the grade of...

F (after 1 page, but no way I'm reading any further)
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Gum
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 1:00am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley
I will request for those who haven't read Ken yet to hold off until the re-submissions unless you're going to comment on the story overall. I can at least clean up the typos and rewrite the last page. When the ballot comes out, simply mark "haven't read it".


No worries, at your request I'll put this one on the backburner...
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