A Darker Being by Nathan Hill - Short, Horror - His daughter is visiting for the weekend but when she starts to act strangely, Parker Rogers becomes terrified. Especially when she disappears in the night. - pdf, format

For future reference..don't put your name on the script, Nathan!

Anyway, welcome aboard.

I thought it was surprisingly well-written for a newcomer. Clearly you've written before.

I think the story itself treads some pretty well-worn ground.

The relationship between the two characters is a strength here. I wonder if that could be developed and a stronger link could be made between the nature of the danger approaching and the specifics of the trouble with the relationship between them?  That would give it a more psychological edge and increase the tension.

Basically what does the Wolf Man represent, and how does that reflect on the relationship between the two?

I think you could do with setting up that she likes to walk about on her own as well. Seems strange how she just disappears.

I also wasn't in love with the Wolf Man talking. Seemed a bit hokey.

Three Werewolves in 3 stories, a furry hat-trick lol!

Oh….the intro credits is described and the character descriptions are all in CAPS. I know we’re not supposed to go on too much about formatting in this challenge but this isn’t a good sign.

The relationship between the father and daughter is good, natural.

Quite a few typos and you mix the past tense and present several times. The sentences read a bit awkwardly but this can easily be fixed with a polish.

I did lose it on page 6. How did we go from them two embracing to Casey being lost?

The encounter with the Werewolf is tense but it sounds really weird the way the Werewolf speaks. I would suggest it would be scarier if the Wolfman just made animal noises.

It doesn’t seem to end. I thought with Casey being bit by the ‘lion’ the reveal would be she is a Werewolf but nothing seems to be resolved.

I think you fulfilled the criteria of the challenge though and well done for entering.

-Mark

Thank you so much for the awesome feedback! To be honest, I just put my head down and wrote on this one. The metaphors of the wolfman are pretty much open to interpretation but the entire part of the daughter becoming lost was the fact that the daughter was a little 'off' and the wolfman intrigued her so she chased it. As for the biting, my intention that it was all in her wild imagination.

Seriously, thank you so much for the feedback!!

Pg 1
I was taught to use FADE IN and only FADE IN.
Not sure what a LOUD MUFFLE would sound like in a movie theater?
You must've learned a different UPPER CASE convention.  Have never seen this before.
FYI: Some professional readers stop if they find an F-bomb on the first page.  I ain't no prude but it jars the fuck outta me.

Pg 2
I was also taught (perhaps wrongly) to leave the credits to others.
"keeps his ears active."  This smacks of interior monologue, unless they're wiggling?
budweiser is a proper noun
Um, the dialogue on this page needs considerable work.  Are they deaf?
Is this a "Who's on first" routine?
I'm losing patience.

Pg 3
Nothing happens.

Pg 4
"...just sat there observing her." Action verbs should be in present tense.
Sorry, I cannot read any more.  This trite, unnatural, going nowhere dialogue grates my nerves.

Best of luck.  Peace out.

EDIT
Just read the other comments.  You revealed your self and you're a new writer.
Had I know that, I may have ameliorated my harsh comments, but you did not follow the instructions. Hmm.

Quoted from RKeller Pg 1 I was taught to use FADE IN and only FADE IN. Not sure what a LOUD MUFFLE would sound like in a movie theater? You must've learned a different UPPER CASE convention.  Have never seen this before. FYI: Some professional readers stop if they find an F-bomb on the first page.  I ain't no prude but it jars the fuck outta me. Pg 2 I was also taught (perhaps wrongly) to leave the credits to others. "keeps his ears active."  This smacks of interior monologue, unless they're wiggling? budweiser is a proper noun Um, the dialogue on this page needs considerable work.  Are they deaf? Is this a "Who's on first" routine? I'm losing patience. Pg 3 Nothing happens. Pg 4 "...just sat there observing her." Action verbs should be in present tense. Sorry, I cannot read any more.  This trite, unnatural, going nowhere dialogue grates my nerves. Best of luck.  Peace out. EDIT Just read the other comments.  You revealed your self and you're a new writer. Had I know that, I may have ameliorated my harsh comments, but you did not follow the instructions. Hmm.

Man, don't worry, thanks for the feedback, I don't care if you're harsh, it all helps! I understand where you're coming from, still learning formatting techniques.

Love the title.

The logline could use some work BUT it has something in it that we know works(so good on you for that)...kid goes missing. Has me intrigued.

I like the way you go right into the missing child, but you may have wanted to give us something before. Even if it were an image of him going looking for her or even a 911 call may have been a little better.

The sounds of a phone bleeping. Panicked, quick breathes. Suddenly a loud muffle is heard. -- see my thoughts are (and I may get slammed cuz I'm not a rules person) but I'd be more worried/on my seat if over your black screen as you have it, you heard someone placing a 911 call about their daughter being missing. Add broll type stuff in there as you face in...maybe the missing kids photos or bedroom ...

I was a bit confused because you start with Casey's missing then we see her in the cabin without some sort of title or hint that the time moved back or did it?

So I am not sure if Casey went missing once or twice.

Their relationship wasn't really established for me.

I did like that the story kept me reading...and it had tension. It may have had more if you showed the 'taking' of Casey. I mean did she just wander into the woods? I like that it bit her and we are left wondering if she will become a werewolf.

Good job especially if you are a new writer! Enjoyed this.

My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) Character name in CAPS, not full description
2) Felt a little familiar, especially the second half
3) Not sure about the intro and the bit with Farrah

Good bits:-
1) Loved Casey drawing and the Lion reveal
2) Liked the idea she'd been bit/cursed bit with no visible sign
3) Moves along with a good pace

Rules
All followed

Overall decent but no real twists to set it apart.

Anthony

There's a lot wrong with the writing which makes the story incredibly difficult to get through for me. The writing can always be improved in later drafts.

The good thing here is that you know how to correctly structure a story with correct tempo. Some of the action is good and the dialogue flows naturally for the most part.

Proofread your stuff before uploading it and this will help your readers. It will also help them get a better grasp of your story.

5 out of 10.

Writer,

I can see you've made numerous rookie mistakes here, everything from your actual writing - too much prose, to your formatting, and your use of unfilmables. Nothing to fear because you're new. But I can tell you have a decent eye for story telling. I was able to envision a lot of what you were writing. Once you get the format and the style down I think you'll be fine.

As far as this story goes, it just jumped around too much and wasn't really woven into something cohesive, so it doesn't work for me. Congrats on entering the challenge and getting this done, though.

Steve

Wot no Frankenstein? I thought it was compulsory for this challenge.

What is WITH all the CAPITALS in this DESCRIPTION? It does look like you're shouting. Just the name, Nathan, just capitalise the name.

I think you probably should have faded in on the first page somewhere. I can be fussy. I argued that twenty eight chips wasn't enough when I was in McDonalds. And they'd gone a bit cold by the time I'd counted them.

Oh, I see. You've faded in on p2. It is fussy but don't we see him on the sofa?

Fireplace is one word. For a moment there I thought the whole place was burning down.

p2 'rugid'? What's rugid? It sounds a bit painful. Like the news bacon and ham are bad for you.

It's not too badly written, needs a lot of tightening up. I do think it could have got to where it was going quite a bit faster though.

Stopped a bit suddenly there at the end. You could do with a Fade Out. Also, use the word 'ground' instead of 'floor' when you're talking about outside, otherwise it sounds like they're inside.

For a moment I assumed the thingy was in the car.

Needs work, but most do. The story needs tying together a bit tighter.

R

Hey Nathan,

Cheers for getting a script in. The good news is this script is actually written with an emotional foundation, and that's always a good thing because it's the primary driving force behind any story.

I did read it to the end, and I'm relieved that Parker and Casey made it out alive...  thanks for not killing them by the way.

... and yup, that's pretty much all I can offer for now without repeating what others have said, except, just keep at it.

Eventually the mistakes will become less and less, and soon enough you'll adopt your own voice... which may or may not give you away... every... single... OWC, lol.

The good news...

You completed a script and entered the OWC.

Nathan, I know you outed yourself and I know you're a new writer, so let me be clear...completing your first screenplay is a big deal and I'm impressed!

The not so good news...

As one would expect from a first time writer, there are lots of mistakes...mistakes of all kinds, on all pages.

The bad news...

I baled after Page 1, because there's just too much wrong with the writing for me to continue, sorry to say.

A couple things to be mindful of...

When you start with a BLACK SCREEN, remember, you have to FADE IN, or your entire script will be over black.

Only CAP your character's name on first intro, not the entire intro description, and don't overdo your character description.

(O.S.) goes right after the dialogue block (character's name) and has a period after both the O and S.

Don't include anything like Insert intro, titles, etc.

Keep your action/description passages to 4 lines max.  Shoot for 3 or less, and only include a single shot, idea, or description in each passage.

Grade...

A for completing your first script.

Hey Nathan, well done on completing a script.

Obviously you're still learning, so the mistakes that betray you as a relative beginner are present - for instance lose the camera directions in the action, including the zoom into the fire on pg 6, as that's not your call to make. I know you want to paint the picture of what would be onscreen, but your first responsibility is to tell an engaging story, in the best way possible. Alien words like 'camera' often have the effect of taking us out of the story.

There are too many emotions in your action blocks. Parker is panicked, 'Parker is now sure it's Casey', 'he grimaces at the thought of her lost in the woods'. You're writing for a visual medium, we can only infer what characters are thinking through action or (more bluntly) dialogue. That's not to say asides can't have a place in screenwriting - though no doubt Jeff will disagree! - but this kind of omniscient storytelling doesn't belong.

You also need to work on your dialogue. It's a bit wandering atm, and doesn't feel very natural. I know you were going for a mood, with Casey clearly disturbed / distracted by something and Parker struggling to have her around, but it's all a bit ragged at the moment. Less can be more, currently you have about three scenes which take up a lot of space and just meander.

Plot-wise: if Parker hit Casey's mom regularly, and has a history of drinking heavily, how has he got custody of her? Also, not sure about the Wolfman talking (we'll assume it's English unless you tell us otherwise, by the way, as that's what the script is written in. So you can lose that from the action). The ending was a bit rushed, and your word choice of 'frolic' made me laugh - frolic means 'play or move about in a cheerful and lively way', so I imagined him rolling around like a puppy which I'd imagine wasn't what you were going for. Thrashes, writhes, convulses - that's what you mean, I just think.

And then it just... ends. I guess you ran out of space? No resolution, no closing image, not even a FADE OUT or similar. It's very abrupt. But again, if you ran out of space you ran out of space. You could have afforded to trim elsewhere to make the necessary room to wrap things up somehow, wouldn't have had to be much (though the obvious choice is for Casey to turn into a wolf on the back seat and attack him. That may have been very obvious, but it's more of an ending than what you have now.)

Having said all this, I actually really like your central concept: a man alone in the woods with his estranged daughter, who becomes strangely obsessed with something lurking in the woods and disappears one night to find it, forcing him to go out looking for her. There's a lot of dramatic potential there - in saving her, he can prove himself as a father. Maybe the mom died recently, and his former abuse was kept a secret so Casey comes to live with him even though it's probably not a good idea. The Wolfman can represent the animal he used to be in his marriage, so by saving him from the wolf he's saving her from the old Parker. Don't know if all that was intentional or I'm reading too much into it, but done right that might have been the best of the lot in this challenge. You seem to have a nose for a story - now you just need to improve the telling.

Well done for entering!

Quoted from JonnyBoy The Wolfman can represent the animal he used to be in his marriage, so by saving him from the wolf he's saving her from the old Parker. Well done for entering!

Someone uncovered the 'metaphor' of a sort. When I was writing it, I was trying to push exactly what you said as the hidden themes of the script. It's basically Parker fighting his old demons by saving Casey, escaping from his old self.

Your feedback was really useful, thanks everyone!