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Creature from the Blue Lagoon by Grogal - Short, Horror - Two horny teens find their deserted island paradise interrupted by an amphibious humanoid creature who’s a sex machine to all the chicks… Can ya dig it? - pdf, format
The ending was fun. You could cut a lot of dialog and it would be better. You could cut the dialog throughout I think. Christopher appears exceptionally one dimensional. He's a sleaze and she loves him? That's hard to believe. I wish you could add more depth to their love. And make it funny from the very beginnig - otherwise just the last scene is funny.
It’s a pity this is either a pisser or a Naked Gun type comedy as page 4 shows this story had a lot of potential. The relationship between Brook and Grogal (who reminds me of an amphibian version of HODOR! lol) could have made for a great beauty and the beast story.
-Mark
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My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!
Picky bits:- 1) The spear fishing was difficult to visualise, he's on a cliff, next to a waterfall, but the cliff is low enough to a pool that he can spear fish... really small cliff or incredibly long spear? 2) Sure I've seen the repetition of a single word as dialogue recently, then again why not borrow from the best. 3) Had no idea what PRE-LAP was, not sure if this would have been better with a more conventional V.O. - but at least I learnt something 4) Think the end was a little abrupt but see 3 below
Good bits:- 1) I liked the basic setup, worked effectively 2) I liked the use of Brooke and Christopher and the hark back to the original 3) Didn't expect the end sequence but the banter was good and made me chuckle
Rules Not really Horror and budget is an issue
Overall good effort, worked for me despite not been strictly horror.
Funny. I laughed a couple of times. Very inventive. Top marks for a spoof. Not sure how to mark it. It's a 7, but not exactly a horror. Eff it, it's a consider. Nice job.
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There's a nice setup here and some funny lines and happenings.
I like how you used the real actor's names from Blue Lagoon for your characters.
You thought this out pretty well and it shows.
Writing is good throughout and this is an easy read.
The not so good news...
There's an awful lot of drag here and no pissing or even comedy for pages at a time...that's not good when the only thing going for you is whacky comedy.
Visually speaking, you missed on pretty much every scene...as in, they either don't make sense as written, or they're just not very visual in detail.
The bad news...
The last couple pages are a major mistake, pretty much any way you look at it. You took a chance, and it proved to be a a bad decision.
Overall, I didn't laugh that much...and I should have, because you had so much going for you.
The whole "grogal" thing didn't work at all for me and actually detracted each and every time I read it.
What? Blue Lagoon with Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkins. I see. A horror re imagining of their love on a deserted island. Oh dear, I guess you're going for parody with Christopher's awful expositionary dialogue:
CHRISTOPHER Me too. I know both our parents and scores of innocent people perished, but every time I hold you in my arms, I thank God Captain Smith tried to sail through the hurricane rather than around it.
That's pretty funny, but not laugh out loud funny.
Okay, pisstake it is.
Btw, yeah, GO AWAY! is always useful when trying to ward off monsters of the amphibious type.
Hmm, so I sense KING KONG of the underwater world.
Once we get to Christopher drawing the pornographic figure in the sand...I'll read on cause I'm curious where you're going with it, but I don't get the feeling I'm going to like it. Oh God, the hole with the spear - okay, I was right!
Aww, and the female now has a male (something) to take care of her. Oops, that didn't last long...
And now, lawyers! No classic monster, far as I could see.
I think you really enjoyed writing this. Think I'll leave it there.