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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Creature from the Blue Lagoon - OWC
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  Author    Creature from the Blue Lagoon - OWC  (currently 4076 views)
Don
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 11:18am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Creature from the Blue Lagoon by Grogal - Short, Horror - Two horny teens find their deserted island paradise interrupted by an amphibious humanoid creature who’s a sex machine to all the chicks… Can ya dig it? - pdf, format


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Pisser from Jeff?

Apologise if that's not the case.


It's well written. Pretty funny for a spoof.
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khamanna
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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The ending was fun. You could cut a lot of dialog and it would be better.
You could cut the dialog throughout I think.
Christopher appears exceptionally one dimensional. He's a sleaze and she loves him? That's hard to believe. I wish you could add more depth to their love. And make it funny from the very beginnig - otherwise just the last scene is funny.

It's not low budget, you know that right?

Spoted it's instead of its on p4 and p6.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 12:34pm Report to Moderator
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That was funny. Well thought out. Good dialogue. You betrayed your logline, though
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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A blue lagoon spoof?

It’s a pity this is either a pisser or a Naked Gun type comedy as page 4 shows this story had a lot of potential. The relationship between Brook and Grogal (who reminds me of an amphibian version of HODOR! lol) could have made for a great beauty and the beast story.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) The spear fishing was difficult to visualise, he's on a cliff, next to a waterfall, but the cliff is low enough to a pool that he can spear fish... really small cliff or incredibly long spear?
2) Sure I've seen the repetition of a single word as dialogue recently, then again why not borrow from the best.
3) Had no idea what PRE-LAP was, not sure if this would have been better with a more conventional V.O. - but at least I learnt something
4) Think the end was a little abrupt but see 3 below

Good bits:-
1) I liked the basic setup, worked effectively
2) I liked the use of Brooke and Christopher and the hark back to the original
3) Didn't expect the end sequence but the banter was good and made me chuckle

Rules
Not really Horror and budget is an issue

Overall good effort, worked for me despite not been strictly horror.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1

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AnthonyCawood  -  October 25th, 2015, 11:48am
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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Funny. I laughed a couple of times. Very inventive. Top marks for a spoof. Not sure how to mark it. It's a 7, but not exactly a horror. Eff it, it's a consider. Nice job.

7/10.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
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Super-love the title...can tell this is going to be a fun ride(no pun intended) from the title and logline.

The writing is good in this. Reads easy and fast. I laughed several times through the dialogue. It's over the top but that's what I like about it.

The one that that I didn't like about this was the last part of the script. I think you could've ended it before the attorney stuff.

Great job even if it's a pisser...was entertaining and made me laugh
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RKeller
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
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Creative as hell.
Bravo!
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stevie
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
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Not low budget and no real attempt at a serious story. Not overly funny

1 out of 10



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Logan McDonald
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
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Worth the read. The “in cold blood” joke made me snort. In all a funny script!


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, short review.

First eight pages .... Brilliant. Absolute class. Funny, a delightful play on two genres - well done

Last two - drop them. Keep in the lagoon.

I think this is 'Mr twig and berries' but I could be wrong

This had me howling . The blend of chewbacca and groote - ie that's all they could say but the meaning is different - bravo

A joy to read, late at night


My scripts  HERE

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irish eyes
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 9:50pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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I enjoyed this from the start, perhaps could have ended before the attorney, but pretty funny throughout.

Enjoyed the characters and was very well written.

Good job

Mark


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
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The good news...

I love pissers...and write them often.

There's a nice setup here and some funny lines and happenings.

I like how you used the real actor's names from Blue Lagoon for your characters.

You thought this out pretty well and it shows.

Writing is good throughout and this is an easy read.

The not so good news...

There's an awful lot of drag here and no pissing or even comedy for pages at a time...that's not good when the only thing going for you is whacky comedy.

Visually speaking, you missed on pretty much every scene...as in, they either don't make sense as written, or they're just not very visual in detail.

The bad news...

The last couple pages are a major mistake, pretty much any way you look at it.  You took a chance, and it proved to be a a bad decision.

Overall, I didn't laugh that much...and I should have, because you had so much going for you.

The whole "grogal" thing didn't work at all for me and actually detracted each and every time I read it.

Which leads me to a grade of...

C+
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LC
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 1:45am Report to Moderator
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What? Blue Lagoon with Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkins.
I see. A horror re imagining of their love on a deserted island. Oh dear, I guess you're going for parody with Christopher's awful expositionary dialogue:

CHRISTOPHER
Me too. I know both our parents and
scores of innocent people perished,
but every time I hold you in my
arms, I thank God Captain Smith
tried to sail through the hurricane
rather than around it.

That's pretty funny, but not laugh out loud funny.

Okay, pisstake it is.

Btw, yeah, GO AWAY! is always useful when trying to ward off monsters of the amphibious type.

Hmm, so I sense KING KONG of the underwater world.

Once we get to Christopher drawing the pornographic figure in the sand...I'll read on cause I'm curious where you're going with it, but I don't get the feeling I'm going to like it. Oh God, the hole with the spear - okay, I was right!

Aww, and the female now has a male (something) to take care of her. Oops, that didn't last long...

And now, lawyers!
No classic monster, far as I could see.

I think you really enjoyed writing this. Think I'll leave it there.  


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