SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 3:44am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Creature from the Blue Lagoon - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Creature from the Blue Lagoon - OWC  (currently 4075 views)
Don
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 11:18am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Creature from the Blue Lagoon by Grogal - Short, Horror - Two horny teens find their deserted island paradise interrupted by an amphibious humanoid creature who’s a sex machine to all the chicks… Can ya dig it? - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3382
Posts Per Day
0.63
Pisser from Jeff?

Apologise if that's not the case.


It's well written. Pretty funny for a spoof.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 30
khamanna
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
The ending was fun. You could cut a lot of dialog and it would be better.
You could cut the dialog throughout I think.
Christopher appears exceptionally one dimensional. He's a sleaze and she loves him? That's hard to believe. I wish you could add more depth to their love. And make it funny from the very beginnig - otherwise just the last scene is funny.

It's not low budget, you know that right?

Spoted it's instead of its on p4 and p6.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 30
cloroxmartini
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 12:34pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
You know what a saguaro is?
Posts
803
Posts Per Day
0.14
That was funny. Well thought out. Good dialogue. You betrayed your logline, though
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 30
MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
A blue lagoon spoof?

It’s a pity this is either a pisser or a Naked Gun type comedy as page 4 shows this story had a lot of potential. The relationship between Brook and Grogal (who reminds me of an amphibian version of HODOR! lol) could have made for a great beauty and the beast story.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 30
AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) The spear fishing was difficult to visualise, he's on a cliff, next to a waterfall, but the cliff is low enough to a pool that he can spear fish... really small cliff or incredibly long spear?
2) Sure I've seen the repetition of a single word as dialogue recently, then again why not borrow from the best.
3) Had no idea what PRE-LAP was, not sure if this would have been better with a more conventional V.O. - but at least I learnt something
4) Think the end was a little abrupt but see 3 below

Good bits:-
1) I liked the basic setup, worked effectively
2) I liked the use of Brooke and Christopher and the hark back to the original
3) Didn't expect the end sequence but the banter was good and made me chuckle

Rules
Not really Horror and budget is an issue

Overall good effort, worked for me despite not been strictly horror.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1

Revision History (1 edits)
AnthonyCawood  -  October 25th, 2015, 11:48am
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 30
DustinBowcot
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Funny. I laughed a couple of times. Very inventive. Top marks for a spoof. Not sure how to mark it. It's a 7, but not exactly a horror. Eff it, it's a consider. Nice job.

7/10.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 6 - 30
Pale Yellow
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
Super-love the title...can tell this is going to be a fun ride(no pun intended) from the title and logline.

The writing is good in this. Reads easy and fast. I laughed several times through the dialogue. It's over the top but that's what I like about it.

The one that that I didn't like about this was the last part of the script. I think you could've ended it before the attorney stuff.

Great job even if it's a pisser...was entertaining and made me laugh
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 30
RKeller
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
39
Posts Per Day
0.01
Creative as hell.
Bravo!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 30
stevie
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
Not low budget and no real attempt at a serious story. Not overly funny

1 out of 10



Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 30
Logan McDonald
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Astoria, NY
Posts
56
Posts Per Day
0.02
Worth the read. The “in cold blood” joke made me snort. In all a funny script!


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 30
Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57
Sorry, short review.

First eight pages .... Brilliant. Absolute class. Funny, a delightful play on two genres - well done

Last two - drop them. Keep in the lagoon.

I think this is 'Mr twig and berries' but I could be wrong

This had me howling . The blend of chewbacca and groote - ie that's all they could say but the meaning is different - bravo

A joy to read, late at night


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 30
irish eyes
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 9:50pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1865
Posts Per Day
0.37
I enjoyed this from the start, perhaps could have ended before the attorney, but pretty funny throughout.

Enjoyed the characters and was very well written.

Good job

Mark


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 30
Dreamscale
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



The good news...

I love pissers...and write them often.

There's a nice setup here and some funny lines and happenings.

I like how you used the real actor's names from Blue Lagoon for your characters.

You thought this out pretty well and it shows.

Writing is good throughout and this is an easy read.

The not so good news...

There's an awful lot of drag here and no pissing or even comedy for pages at a time...that's not good when the only thing going for you is whacky comedy.

Visually speaking, you missed on pretty much every scene...as in, they either don't make sense as written, or they're just not very visual in detail.

The bad news...

The last couple pages are a major mistake, pretty much any way you look at it.  You took a chance, and it proved to be a a bad decision.

Overall, I didn't laugh that much...and I should have, because you had so much going for you.

The whole "grogal" thing didn't work at all for me and actually detracted each and every time I read it.

Which leads me to a grade of...

C+
Logged
e-mail Reply: 13 - 30
LC
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 1:45am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34
What? Blue Lagoon with Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkins.
I see. A horror re imagining of their love on a deserted island. Oh dear, I guess you're going for parody with Christopher's awful expositionary dialogue:

CHRISTOPHER
Me too. I know both our parents and
scores of innocent people perished,
but every time I hold you in my
arms, I thank God Captain Smith
tried to sail through the hurricane
rather than around it.

That's pretty funny, but not laugh out loud funny.

Okay, pisstake it is.

Btw, yeah, GO AWAY! is always useful when trying to ward off monsters of the amphibious type.

Hmm, so I sense KING KONG of the underwater world.

Once we get to Christopher drawing the pornographic figure in the sand...I'll read on cause I'm curious where you're going with it, but I don't get the feeling I'm going to like it. Oh God, the hole with the spear - okay, I was right!

Aww, and the female now has a male (something) to take care of her. Oops, that didn't last long...

And now, lawyers!
No classic monster, far as I could see.

I think you really enjoyed writing this. Think I'll leave it there.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 30
SAC
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 8:17am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Writer,

No elements of horror really, but I laughed several times! This was really funny. I thought it was gonna lose it when the attorneys showed up, but when the Wolfman howled over the intercom I was laughing again! Well written, and smart. One of my favorites.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 30
Grandma Bear
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 1:55pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7961
Posts Per Day
1.36
I sort of dreaded reading this one. I had seen some of the comments and assumed it was a comedy and I would hate it. I was wrong! It was funny, but you did have some horror in there and I give you major props for using the creature from the black lagoon.

I loved how Christopher don't want to commit to Brooke in case another girl shows up and then Brooke ends up being the one who finds someone else. Funny and clever script. Probably one of my favorites.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 16 - 30
bert
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
Administrator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4232
Posts Per Day
0.61
I was prepared to totally hate this.  It totally won me over.

THE GOOD:  Your ear for dialogue is superb.  Your descriptions reflect your desired tone with ease.  And what is this...a Prelap??  Haha...now you're just screwing with us.  This is a talented veteran having a laugh.  Looking forward to learning who wrote this.

THE BAD:  The fact that you are just f'ing around.  But even your f'ing around is better than most.  This almost smells like Shelton -- but that's not possible, is it?    

bert's grade:  B+  


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 17 - 30
JonnyBoy
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
London, England
Posts
994
Posts Per Day
0.18
Just read The Mummy's Search, where I said that as it ignored the spirit of the challenge, it'd better deliver. This is similarly uninterested in the criteria, so the same high bar was set for it to be worth it.

And this... WAS. Humour is of course subjective, so others may disagree, but:

I was genuinely laughing from your first dialogue block all the way to the end. Not tittering, or smiling, properly laughing out loud. It's the Blue Lagoon - and then BANG it's a teen comedy. This is a sketch, really, not a short script - but get it shot by someone who knows what they're doing, with good production values, and this would slot right in to something like College Humor or Funny or Die. And be better than most of what they distribute.

Two jokes didn't land for me: the accent, and the black penis. The rest were absolutely spot on. Grogal saying his own name was great, it should sound really pathetic and entirely unthreatening. Joke after joke landed with aplomb, I kept waiting for it to fizzle out but barring the couple of wobbles mentioned above, it didn't. Brilliant comic pacing, and the twist at the end? You even managed to fashion a surprise ending.

As with others, I can't vote for this to win the Challenge because you didn't really enter the challenge. What you did do was write a top, top notch comedy script. Thanks for a great read. Now reveal yourself so I can learn from you.


Guess who's back? Back again?
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 18 - 30
Dreamscale
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Interesting how some peeps don't seem to have a problem with certain obvious pissers, but then on other ones, they literally attack the writer.

Sure, some are better than others and some actually "try" to follow some semblance of theme for the challenge, but if you're trying to seriously review all the entries, a more common ground should probably be met when it comes to the "pisser".  
Logged
e-mail Reply: 19 - 30
bert
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
Administrator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4232
Posts Per Day
0.61

Quoted from Dreamscale
Interesting how some peeps don't seem to have a problem with certain obvious pissers, but then on other ones, they literally attack the writer.

Sure, some are better than others and some actually "try" to follow some semblance of theme for the challenge, but if you're trying to seriously review all the entries, a more common ground should probably be met when it comes to the "pisser".  


This is not a pisser.  It is a well-crafted piece of work.  It just happens to be a comedy.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 20 - 30
JonnyBoy
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
London, England
Posts
994
Posts Per Day
0.18
Oh I have a problem with all of them. Won't be voting for any of them, certainly. And hopefully I'm not 'attacking' anyone. For The Mummy's Search, though, that did feel lazy. This didn't.


Guess who's back? Back again?
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 21 - 30
Dreamscale
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from bert
This is not a pisser.  It is a well-crafted piece of work.  It just happens to be a comedy.


I guess that boils down to what each person considers to be a pisser.

For me, anytime one purposely writes "terrible" dialogue, meant to be funny, we're in pisser territory.  This has purposely terrible dialogue, so...it's a pisser.

Same goes for absurd action and redonkulous type goings on, which this does as well.

Logged
e-mail Reply: 22 - 30
DustinBowcot
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



If you're going to break the rules, you better make sure you do a good job of it.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 23 - 30
IamGlenn
Posted: October 31st, 2015, 7:27am Report to Moderator
January Project Group


:)

Location
Dublin, Ireland, Europe, The World.
Posts
692
Posts Per Day
0.20
Grogal,

This was good. Writing was nice, an easy and quick read. Funny in parts and I love the ending. The dialogue at the start is a little expository, regarding the people dying, but I get the feeling that's what you were going for.

Nice job.

Glenn.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 24 - 30
wonkavite
Posted: November 1st, 2015, 6:53pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Well, despite the fact this one was written as an utter goof, I rather enjoyed it.

Obviously penned by one of the seriously competent writers on this board, the dialogue riffs are very meta, funny and a smooth read.

Is it something that I'd personally pay to see produced?  Well... no.... and I doubt that it would have all that much context outside the challenge at hand.  

But still - it's a fun read.  And a definitely breath of fresh air after all the darned Frankenstein stories (even the good ones!)
Logged
e-mail Reply: 25 - 30
PrussianMosby
Posted: November 3rd, 2015, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.37
Creature from the Blue Lagoon

"CHRISTOPHER
...I thank God Captain Smith
tried to sail through the hurricane
rather than around it."

Uf. Okay, let's see where this gets.

"CHRISTOPHER
Uh, yeah, I like you."

Hm, a bit confusing in case of tone-

It's too Long and the punch lines are not strong enough, as well as the ending.

A good moment with the spear and an interesting monster is not enough yet imo



Logged
Private Message Reply: 26 - 30
DustinBowcot
Posted: November 7th, 2015, 8:39am Report to Moderator
Guest User



I think this one unfairly lacked in reads and this reflected in the eventual score. This was one of my recs. Nice work, Ewall. Some real talent on display here.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 27 - 30
Reef Dreamer
Posted: November 7th, 2015, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57
I agree with Dustin. It got a Rec from me as well.

Damn this was funny at times

I must re read just because I will enjoy it.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 28 - 30
IamGlenn
Posted: November 7th, 2015, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


:)

Location
Dublin, Ireland, Europe, The World.
Posts
692
Posts Per Day
0.20
Loved this too. Got a recommend from me. Great job!


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 29 - 30
EWall433
Posted: November 7th, 2015, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
423
Posts Per Day
0.11
Thanks, Dustin, Bill and Glenn. And thanks to everyone who read and commented. I almost didn't participate this go round because every idea I had seemed like comedy. It wasn't until I saw some people encouraging Dave to go ahead and do a comedy idea that I thought, "Oh okay. They're literally asking for it” Though I did try to send a clear message in the logline that the script would be largely absurd. I know people can get annoyed when they read something they don't consider a serious entry, but based on the logline you should've seen this coming.

I wouldn't say it's a pisser, though. Maybe in the sense that it's a comedy when the genre was supposed to be horror. Otherwise my idea of pisser is still using forum members as characters or telling jokes that make no sense outside of the context of the challenge. As ridiculous as it is, I didn't write any of the jokes as "in-jokes".

And finally, I suppose I'll explain that ending. Basically I got to Grogal weeping over his dead lover and thought, "This is actually kind of depressing now. It can't end on a serious note. It has to be ridiculous." So I came up with the idea of it being a story Grogal was telling to the police, and since he could easily be lying (and most likely is, if you think about it) I figured I could loop back around to funny. I get it's not everyone's favorite ending, but it served it's purpose of undercutting any genuine heartfelt emotion and getting this thing back on track to being as stupid as possible, so I think it's essential.

Anyway thanks again. Hopefully I didn’t annoy anyone too much with my shenanigans.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 30 - 30
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    October 2015 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006