Pages: 1, 2, 3 : All |
Author |
Creature from the Blue Lagoon - OWC (currently 4075 views) |
Don |
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 11:18am |
|
|
AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Creature from the Blue Lagoon by Grogal - Short, Horror - Two horny teens find their deserted island paradise interrupted by an amphibious humanoid creature who’s a sex machine to all the chicks… Can ya dig it? - pdf, format |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
|
|
|
|
|
Scar Tissue Films |
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 12:05pm |
|
|
Posts3382 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
Pisser from Jeff?
Apologise if that's not the case.
It's well written. Pretty funny for a spoof. |
|
|
|
Reply: 1 - 30 |
|
|
khamanna |
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 12:25pm |
|
|
January Project Group
Posts4194 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
The ending was fun. You could cut a lot of dialog and it would be better. You could cut the dialog throughout I think. Christopher appears exceptionally one dimensional. He's a sleaze and she loves him? That's hard to believe. I wish you could add more depth to their love. And make it funny from the very beginnig - otherwise just the last scene is funny.
It's not low budget, you know that right?
Spoted it's instead of its on p4 and p6. |
|
|
|
Reply: 2 - 30 |
|
|
cloroxmartini |
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 12:34pm |
|
|
Been Around
LocationYou know what a saguaro is? Posts803 Posts Per Day 0.14 |
That was funny. Well thought out. Good dialogue. You betrayed your logline, though |
|
|
|
Reply: 3 - 30 |
|
|
MarkRenshaw |
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 2:08pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.59 |
A blue lagoon spoof?
It’s a pity this is either a pisser or a Naked Gun type comedy as page 4 shows this story had a lot of potential. The relationship between Brook and Grogal (who reminds me of an amphibian version of HODOR! lol) could have made for a great beauty and the beast story.
-Mark |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
|
|
|
Reply: 4 - 30 |
|
|
AnthonyCawood |
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 3:34pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!
Picky bits:- 1) The spear fishing was difficult to visualise, he's on a cliff, next to a waterfall, but the cliff is low enough to a pool that he can spear fish... really small cliff or incredibly long spear? 2) Sure I've seen the repetition of a single word as dialogue recently, then again why not borrow from the best. 3) Had no idea what PRE-LAP was, not sure if this would have been better with a more conventional V.O. - but at least I learnt something 4) Think the end was a little abrupt but see 3 below
Good bits:- 1) I liked the basic setup, worked effectively 2) I liked the use of Brooke and Christopher and the hark back to the original 3) Didn't expect the end sequence but the banter was good and made me chuckle
Rules Not really Horror and budget is an issue
Overall good effort, worked for me despite not been strictly horror.
Anthony |
| |
|
Revision History (1 edits) |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 5 - 30 |
|
|
DustinBowcot |
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 3:51pm |
|
|
Guest User
|
Funny. I laughed a couple of times. Very inventive. Top marks for a spoof. Not sure how to mark it. It's a 7, but not exactly a horror. Eff it, it's a consider. Nice job.
7/10.
|
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 6 - 30 |
|
|
Pale Yellow |
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 3:59pm |
|
|
January Project Group
Posts2083 Posts Per Day 1.40 |
Super-love the title...can tell this is going to be a fun ride(no pun intended) from the title and logline. The writing is good in this. Reads easy and fast. I laughed several times through the dialogue. It's over the top but that's what I like about it. The one that that I didn't like about this was the last part of the script. I think you could've ended it before the attorney stuff. Great job even if it's a pisser...was entertaining and made me laugh |
|
|
|
Reply: 7 - 30 |
|
|
RKeller |
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 4:25pm |
|
|
Posts39 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
|
|
|
Reply: 8 - 30 |
|
|
stevie |
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 6:19pm |
|
|
Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Not low budget and no real attempt at a serious story. Not overly funny
1 out of 10 |
|
|
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 9 - 30 |
|
|
Logan McDonald |
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 1:39pm |
|
|
New
LocationAstoria, NY Posts56 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Worth the read. The “in cold blood” joke made me snort. In all a funny script! |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 10 - 30 |
|
|
Reef Dreamer |
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 5:01pm |
|
|
Old Timer Part time writer
LocationThe Island of Jersey Posts2612 Posts Per Day 0.57 |
Sorry, short review.
First eight pages .... Brilliant. Absolute class. Funny, a delightful play on two genres - well done
Last two - drop them. Keep in the lagoon.
I think this is 'Mr twig and berries' but I could be wrong
This had me howling . The blend of chewbacca and groote - ie that's all they could say but the meaning is different - bravo
A joy to read, late at night |
| My scripts HERE
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 11 - 30 |
|
|
irish eyes |
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 9:50pm |
|
|
January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
I enjoyed this from the start, perhaps could have ended before the attorney, but pretty funny throughout.
Enjoyed the characters and was very well written.
Good job
Mark |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 12 - 30 |
|
|
Dreamscale |
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 9:52pm |
|
|
Guest User
|
The good news...
I love pissers...and write them often.
There's a nice setup here and some funny lines and happenings.
I like how you used the real actor's names from Blue Lagoon for your characters.
You thought this out pretty well and it shows.
Writing is good throughout and this is an easy read.
The not so good news...
There's an awful lot of drag here and no pissing or even comedy for pages at a time...that's not good when the only thing going for you is whacky comedy.
Visually speaking, you missed on pretty much every scene...as in, they either don't make sense as written, or they're just not very visual in detail.
The bad news...
The last couple pages are a major mistake, pretty much any way you look at it. You took a chance, and it proved to be a a bad decision.
Overall, I didn't laugh that much...and I should have, because you had so much going for you.
The whole "grogal" thing didn't work at all for me and actually detracted each and every time I read it.
Which leads me to a grade of...
C+ |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 13 - 30 |
|
|
LC |
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 1:45am |
|
|
Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7581 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
What? Blue Lagoon with Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkins. I see. A horror re imagining of their love on a deserted island. Oh dear, I guess you're going for parody with Christopher's awful expositionary dialogue: CHRISTOPHER Me too. I know both our parents and scores of innocent people perished, but every time I hold you in my arms, I thank God Captain Smith tried to sail through the hurricane rather than around it. That's pretty funny, but not laugh out loud funny. Okay, pisstake it is. Btw, yeah, GO AWAY! is always useful when trying to ward off monsters of the amphibious type. Hmm, so I sense KING KONG of the underwater world. Once we get to Christopher drawing the pornographic figure in the sand...I'll read on cause I'm curious where you're going with it, but I don't get the feeling I'm going to like it. Oh God, the hole with the spear - okay, I was right! Aww, and the female now has a male (something) to take care of her. Oops, that didn't last long... And now, lawyers! No classic monster, far as I could see. I think you really enjoyed writing this. Think I'll leave it there. |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 14 - 30 |
|
|
SAC |
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 8:17am |
|
|
Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3201 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Writer,
No elements of horror really, but I laughed several times! This was really funny. I thought it was gonna lose it when the attorneys showed up, but when the Wolfman howled over the intercom I was laughing again! Well written, and smart. One of my favorites.
Steve |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 15 - 30 |
|
|
Grandma Bear |
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 1:55pm |
|
|
Administrator
LocationThe Swamp... Posts7961 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
I sort of dreaded reading this one. I had seen some of the comments and assumed it was a comedy and I would hate it. I was wrong! It was funny, but you did have some horror in there and I give you major props for using the creature from the black lagoon. I loved how Christopher don't want to commit to Brooke in case another girl shows up and then Brooke ends up being the one who finds someone else. Funny and clever script. Probably one of my favorites. |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 16 - 30 |
|
|
bert |
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 2:27pm |
|
|
AdministratorBuy the ticket, take the ride
LocationThat's me in the corner Posts4232 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
I was prepared to totally hate this. It totally won me over.
THE GOOD: Your ear for dialogue is superb. Your descriptions reflect your desired tone with ease. And what is this...a Prelap?? Haha...now you're just screwing with us. This is a talented veteran having a laugh. Looking forward to learning who wrote this.
THE BAD: The fact that you are just f'ing around. But even your f'ing around is better than most. This almost smells like Shelton -- but that's not possible, is it?
bert's grade: B+ |
| Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb! |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 17 - 30 |
|
|
JonnyBoy |
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 3:01pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationLondon, England Posts994 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
Just read The Mummy's Search, where I said that as it ignored the spirit of the challenge, it'd better deliver. This is similarly uninterested in the criteria, so the same high bar was set for it to be worth it.
And this... WAS. Humour is of course subjective, so others may disagree, but:
I was genuinely laughing from your first dialogue block all the way to the end. Not tittering, or smiling, properly laughing out loud. It's the Blue Lagoon - and then BANG it's a teen comedy. This is a sketch, really, not a short script - but get it shot by someone who knows what they're doing, with good production values, and this would slot right in to something like College Humor or Funny or Die. And be better than most of what they distribute.
Two jokes didn't land for me: the accent, and the black penis. The rest were absolutely spot on. Grogal saying his own name was great, it should sound really pathetic and entirely unthreatening. Joke after joke landed with aplomb, I kept waiting for it to fizzle out but barring the couple of wobbles mentioned above, it didn't. Brilliant comic pacing, and the twist at the end? You even managed to fashion a surprise ending.
As with others, I can't vote for this to win the Challenge because you didn't really enter the challenge. What you did do was write a top, top notch comedy script. Thanks for a great read. Now reveal yourself so I can learn from you. |
| Guess who's back? Back again? |
|
|
|
Reply: 18 - 30 |
|
|
Dreamscale |
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 3:50pm |
|
|
Guest User
|
Interesting how some peeps don't seem to have a problem with certain obvious pissers, but then on other ones, they literally attack the writer.
Sure, some are better than others and some actually "try" to follow some semblance of theme for the challenge, but if you're trying to seriously review all the entries, a more common ground should probably be met when it comes to the "pisser". |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 19 - 30 |
|
|
bert |
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 3:57pm |
|
|
AdministratorBuy the ticket, take the ride
LocationThat's me in the corner Posts4232 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Quoted from Dreamscale Interesting how some peeps don't seem to have a problem with certain obvious pissers, but then on other ones, they literally attack the writer.
Sure, some are better than others and some actually "try" to follow some semblance of theme for the challenge, but if you're trying to seriously review all the entries, a more common ground should probably be met when it comes to the "pisser". |
This is not a pisser. It is a well-crafted piece of work. It just happens to be a comedy. |
| Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb! |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 20 - 30 |
|
|
JonnyBoy |
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 3:58pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationLondon, England Posts994 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
Oh I have a problem with all of them. Won't be voting for any of them, certainly. And hopefully I'm not 'attacking' anyone. For The Mummy's Search, though, that did feel lazy. This didn't. |
| Guess who's back? Back again? |
|
|
|
Reply: 21 - 30 |
|
|
Dreamscale |
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 4:04pm |
|
|
Guest User
|
This is not a pisser. It is a well-crafted piece of work. It just happens to be a comedy. |
I guess that boils down to what each person considers to be a pisser. For me, anytime one purposely writes "terrible" dialogue, meant to be funny, we're in pisser territory. This has purposely terrible dialogue, so...it's a pisser. Same goes for absurd action and redonkulous type goings on, which this does as well. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 22 - 30 |
|
|
DustinBowcot |
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 4:06pm |
|
|
Guest User
|
If you're going to break the rules, you better make sure you do a good job of it. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 23 - 30 |
|
|
IamGlenn |
Posted: October 31st, 2015, 7:27am |
|
|
January Project Group :)
LocationDublin, Ireland, Europe, The World. Posts692 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Grogal,
This was good. Writing was nice, an easy and quick read. Funny in parts and I love the ending. The dialogue at the start is a little expository, regarding the people dying, but I get the feeling that's what you were going for.
Nice job.
Glenn. |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 24 - 30 |
|
|
wonkavite |
Posted: November 1st, 2015, 6:53pm |
|
|
Guest User
|
Well, despite the fact this one was written as an utter goof, I rather enjoyed it. Obviously penned by one of the seriously competent writers on this board, the dialogue riffs are very meta, funny and a smooth read. Is it something that I'd personally pay to see produced? Well... no.... and I doubt that it would have all that much context outside the challenge at hand. But still - it's a fun read. And a definitely breath of fresh air after all the darned Frankenstein stories (even the good ones!) |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 25 - 30 |
|
|
PrussianMosby |
Posted: November 3rd, 2015, 7:49pm |
|
|
Posts1399 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
Creature from the Blue Lagoon
"CHRISTOPHER ...I thank God Captain Smith tried to sail through the hurricane rather than around it."
Uf. Okay, let's see where this gets.
"CHRISTOPHER Uh, yeah, I like you."
Hm, a bit confusing in case of tone-
It's too Long and the punch lines are not strong enough, as well as the ending.
A good moment with the spear and an interesting monster is not enough yet imo |
|
|
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 26 - 30 |
|
|
DustinBowcot |
Posted: November 7th, 2015, 8:39am |
|
|
Guest User
|
I think this one unfairly lacked in reads and this reflected in the eventual score. This was one of my recs. Nice work, Ewall. Some real talent on display here. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 27 - 30 |
|
|
Reef Dreamer |
Posted: November 7th, 2015, 1:48pm |
|
|
Old Timer Part time writer
LocationThe Island of Jersey Posts2612 Posts Per Day 0.57 |
I agree with Dustin. It got a Rec from me as well.
Damn this was funny at times
I must re read just because I will enjoy it. |
| My scripts HERE
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 28 - 30 |
|
|
IamGlenn |
Posted: November 7th, 2015, 1:50pm |
|
|
January Project Group :)
LocationDublin, Ireland, Europe, The World. Posts692 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Loved this too. Got a recommend from me. Great job! |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 29 - 30 |
|
|
EWall433 |
Posted: November 7th, 2015, 8:16pm |
|
|
New
Posts423 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
Thanks, Dustin, Bill and Glenn. And thanks to everyone who read and commented. I almost didn't participate this go round because every idea I had seemed like comedy. It wasn't until I saw some people encouraging Dave to go ahead and do a comedy idea that I thought, "Oh okay. They're literally asking for it” Though I did try to send a clear message in the logline that the script would be largely absurd. I know people can get annoyed when they read something they don't consider a serious entry, but based on the logline you should've seen this coming. I wouldn't say it's a pisser, though. Maybe in the sense that it's a comedy when the genre was supposed to be horror. Otherwise my idea of pisser is still using forum members as characters or telling jokes that make no sense outside of the context of the challenge. As ridiculous as it is, I didn't write any of the jokes as "in-jokes". And finally, I suppose I'll explain that ending. Basically I got to Grogal weeping over his dead lover and thought, "This is actually kind of depressing now. It can't end on a serious note. It has to be ridiculous." So I came up with the idea of it being a story Grogal was telling to the police, and since he could easily be lying (and most likely is, if you think about it) I figured I could loop back around to funny. I get it's not everyone's favorite ending, but it served it's purpose of undercutting any genuine heartfelt emotion and getting this thing back on track to being as stupid as possible, so I think it's essential. Anyway thanks again. Hopefully I didn’t annoy anyone too much with my shenanigans. |
|
|
|
Reply: 30 - 30 |
|
Pages: 1, 2, 3 : All |