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She Must Bleed by Pete B. Lane writing as Anon. X. SimplyScripter - Short, Horror - A thirteen-year-old girl runs from a threat, a curse, from which there is no escape. This family tradition must carry on. And she must bleed. 13 pages - pdf, format
Great title, but your "based on" sets the bar pretty high, with added pressure to deliver the goods.
THE GOOD: Wonderful job of ramping up tension and establishing an air of mystery that builds, scene upon scene. This will likely prove to be one of the better ones.
THE BAD: The late reversal is a surprise, but only because it comes out of nowhere. There is nothing to telegraph -- leave alone explain -- Emily's sudden change of heart. This piece would be strengthened if the conclusion made some sort of satisfying sense, delivering a payoff that was hinted at earlier. An unfortunate (and confusing) snafu in character dialogue titles right there at the end also serves to undermine your efforts.
I knew this would be hard since I am not into horror. So, the set up was good, some suspense in what is happening. Then Emily changes. I agree with Bert that the don't eat Jack and go after mom instead thing was like huh?
The very end Emily dialogue, is there something wrong with that? Doesn't read right.
Personally I felt it started to go downhill a bit at the part George entered.
I couldn't really buy the story. She's so in love with Jack that she's ready to kill her own family, but still she invited him in the first place knowing what would happen?
If it was deeper than that and she was always intending a set up, that needs to be strengthened. If it's a choice made at this time, I really think we'd need to feel a hell of a lot more love between Jack and Emily and see more of Emily's interior struggle.
A good, easy read. Some nice tension at the start but I think it goes on too long without any explanation, so when it does happen it feels rushed and out of left field. I think this could very easily be sorted with a 2nd draft and not being restricted by page length.
To me, this fulfilled all the criteria of the challenge so well done!
-Mark
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This was a fun little script. It flows well and the dialog is fun. Maybe you could cut some at the end though - narration in particular. I enjoyed it.
I took some notes as I read (but well written IMO): First you introduce Jack and Emily and only then say that Jack is overweight and Emily is fit. You should have these descriptions when we first see them IMO.
My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!
Picky bits:- 1) The 'based on' didn't work for me. 2) What sort of bureau has a sledgehammer and a rifle in it? 3) On the last page Emily seems to talk to herself, should it be to George/Jack? 4) The 'twist' was a little too abrupt for me, didn't buy her reasons.
Good bits:- 1) Like the chase and build up. 2) The attack on the cabin was reminiscent of the Howling 3) The sharing of the blood felt a little vampiric but I liked it
Rules Think this works, budget may be high end of low
Overall decent but I didn't by the twist and it took me out of the script at the end,
Good stuff. Bad stuff(not bad, just needs work) 50/50
PROS: Great setup, like Jack as a character and Emily. Like everything up until the gunshot blast. Great mystery to it. Knowing the monster element of the challenge I couldn't figure out what monster was being used. Great setting.
CONS: The scene with Jack checking his anger can be shortened to get to "What do you know quicker. Get's confusing once George and Susan enter the cabin, as far as, where everyone is, who's talking to who, blocking, etc. Even more confusing when Maggie enters. I completely missed the motivation of killing Susa and Maggie, and what happened there. All this can be more paced out and clear. Liked this use of low budget setting (woods/cabin) and then all hell broke loose with the description of the werewolf changing and the budget shot up.
Started off nice but then I'm on the second page and I'm hit with:
Quoted Text
EXT. CAMPSITE - LATER The sun has fallen. Only moonlight illuminates three small cabins, apparently unoccupied from the lack of interior lights. Jack and Emily stumble into view
Quoted Text
EXT. CABIN DOOR - MOMENTS LATER Jack waits by the door. The cabins lights pop on, including the porch light. The door opens to reveal Emily, a weary smile on her face.
Both tese scenes are overwritten and repetitive. Is it NIGHT now? No need to tell me the sun's fallen.. With the EXT. DOOR scene 'Jack waits. The Cabin's lights pop on. Emily lets Jack in.'
Also, if the cabin's lights go on within as well as outside, why does Jack need a flashlight on the inside to survey the cabin? What does he do with it as he puts on the coat? Did he hang on to it as he slides his arm in?
Gazes, nods etc. meaningless direction. Action please.
Quoted Text
In fact, Emily has beads of sweat on her forehead.
Really. Is that a fact? Better : In fact, Emily has beads of sweat on her forehead.
What's with all the CLOSE UPS? Is there a point to this? I'm sorry. Here's where I cried uncle myself.
This was tense at the beginning, I enjoyed it in that way!
One of my favourite reads so far, the entire scene of getting Emily to drink the blood seemed very dark and grim, I enjoyed that.
Then the ending was a quick burst of gruesome violence and it added to the impact and emotion. I enjoyed that also.
My only complaints are that the dialogue between Emily and Jack in the cabin seems so unaturally light-hearted considering the situation that they're in, the way they talk about her birthday all of a sudden, seems so weird since moments before they were complete messes, having a breakdown.
One more complaint is Emily's change of heart, she seems so willing to abide by the two' orders in the cabin, it's a little weird.
Overall, this is my favourite read so far, very tense and violent and I enjoyed it, thank you!
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Negs: The title and logline are not enticing imh, your apparent preoccupation with: She Must Bleed (she will, she must bleed) I'm probably alone in this but I couldn't help but think of Menarche - yeah, sorry, obviously not the desired response you were hoping for. Then further in some very creepy incestuous-like family members appear and I thought, what the...
Story: There appears to be a lot going on, but there's not. I unfortunately found myself skimming too - not enough plot for me, and a rather non-event tacked on ending which didn't get me where it shoulda.
I did originally think also that this was going to be a Vampire initiation.
Positives: I liked the opening. Two characters on the run, something pursuing them - that was done pretty well.
Log makes it sound like the protag is running from the onset of puberty. I wonder if, after I've read it, I'll still be able to liken it in such a way. Should be fun.
The first action block is overwritten. Noticeably overwritten. That could be a time thing on your part. I'll show you what I mean:
Code
Two obscured figures dart through the snowy thickets. They
slow their furious rush as they approach a clearing. The
couple are revealed in the waning light.
They are darting, yet also in a furious rush?
Two obscured figures dart through snowy thickets, slowing as they approach a clearing.
It's dusk, so we know the light is waning.
You can get away with overwriting, but it has to be done at the right time and actually enhance the flow. If it detracts from flow then don't put it in.
Code
EMILY
C’mon, Uncle Jack! Please! They’re
coming! We can’t stop!
Too expositional. All she has to do is look fearful and say:
Code
EMILY
We can’t stop.
That is far more powerful, IMO. Sometimes, less is more.
Code
He takes her face in his hands, comforting yet firm.
JACK
Yeah, they’re coming, there’s
nothing we can do about that. And
they will find us.
She breaks down, he wipes away her tears. She looks up.
EMILY
I don’t want this.
He nods. They hug.
JACK
There’s some cabins not far from
here...
(looks around)
...I think.
He pulls her away, picks her chin up to look into her eyes.
JACK (CONT’D)
All we can do is fight. You ready
for that?
She hesitates. Takes a composing breath and nods. They hurry
down the path.
You've just told me the entire story. The only mystery is exactly what is coming. Maybe it's puberty.
Be far, far better, if they just kept running and found the cabin without knowing (or thinking they know) it's there in the first place. Keep the viewer guessing until it's time to reveal.
Code
Susan bends to meet Emily’s eye-line, and hands her a sanitary towel.
Very weird story. Not explained why Uncle was running with Emily in the first place. Too much exposition that could have been dealt with using visuals if different dramatic choices were made.
Agreeing here with what has been said in other comments.
The writing is clean and easy to follow and there is some tension until Emily's family arrives. The biggest let down is Emily's change of mind at the end, I have to second the question, why would she invite Jack if she refuses to kill him and kills her mother and grandma instead? On top, why does she spare George? Is he a werewolf too? Or just a lackey?
A little unlogical here but the writing is nice and I enjoyed the read for the most part.
Great title. Strong opening scene, and the build-up of suspense is great for the first few pages. Jack's sudden switch from comforting to angry took me slightly by surprise and is a bit jarring but I wanted to keep reading to find out exactly what Emily DID know, which is a good sign!
Neat little twist at the end with Emily attacking Susan, but I'm slightly confused - was Jack really her uncle? You have that in quote marks at one point, which made me doubt it. Why is he left alive at the end? How much did he know about the family trait? Seemingly not a lot, as he didn't know what Emily was.
Ambiguity can be fine, but this was a bit different in that it felt like a lack of clarity rather than a deliberate effect. May just be me being thick, though!
Yeah, definitely a seasoned writer behind this one. Who is the 'X' Simplyscripter, I wonder? Ryan1?