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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  She Must Bleed - OWC
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  Author    She Must Bleed - OWC  (currently 2715 views)
SAC
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 7:25am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Not a bad script here. Had a Near Dark kind of vibe going, even though it was a werewolf story. But that's what confused me, seeing as Emily was sucking on blood. However, it kind of lost me near the end. Too many characters just seemed to show up. Then George helps Jack? I though he was the one who shot Jack. I don't know.

Again, decent script here that just seemed to lose its way.

Steve


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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 29th, 2015, 8:23am Report to Moderator
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SHE MUST BLEED

The usual problem when all given space is used. This one is stuffed too. The action could have compressed to a few ideas but this is excessive overdone, paragraph after paragraph  

"pulling a dagger from a purse – then tossing a purse" comes to my mind.

Imagine I read every single word of your play, and of course I do, constantly visualizing, then how can you gimme that damn purse and let her throw it around?

Especially in the second half when the other characters join, there are parts that felt so unfocused as if they were jumping around while standing in a close circle inside the cabin.

To end on a positive note: The hunt and the first half of the play were intriguing to follow. Then it felt like any wink in this cabin is thrown at me, which made me feel the opposite, that nothing has a meaning.

Still solid script imo



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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 29th, 2015, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
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I'm surprised bert gave this an A-. This one didn't really work for me...at all. I liked the beginning with Emily and Jack running through the woods being chased. I wanted to know where they were going and what was chasing them. When I found out it was Emily's family and they wanted to do the blood thingy, I thought, WTH!

And I agree with Bill, I think, when he mentioned the weapons in the bureau. That was another WTH moment for me.

I did not have any issues with the writing itself. Only the story.


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Gum
Posted: October 31st, 2015, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer, I'm not sure if I'm being redundant here, quite a few reviews going on here...

I love the opening scene, it really pulled me into the story. Great use of intrigue.

"Only moonlight illuminates three small cabins, apparently unoccupied from the lack of interior lights."

That's the mother of all assumptions. Just because the lights are off, doesn't mean nobody's home. Truthfully, I was hoping it was going to be a cabin full of Hillbillies... they creep me out, playing their banjos n' shit all the live long day.

"Pretty soon, fun Uncle Jack will be fun Uncle Snack."

Lol, I think I know where this is going... save that Terrance and Phillip won't suddenly come crashing through the door singing "Uncle F*cker" .

The ending caught me out and sent me back for another read, actually, I had to decipher what happened. The character names are somewhat generic IMO. This is not your typical nuclear family, and as such, should give the author leeway to label them with some eclectic or old world pseudonyms to truly represent a den of wolves. Just a thought.

That being said, nice twist of events. I dig the concept of a Matriarch as/opposed to an Alpha Male. The unforeseen power struggle within the pack, and the showing of Jack (him not having prior knowledge), is tricky to portray, but plausible.  Solid writing and an interesting take on the theme.
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eldave1
Posted: October 31st, 2015, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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Thought this was solid for the most part. The opening two or three pages had great tension - it fizzled a little with the introduction of too many characters IMO. The "fucks" took me out of a couple pf places - not a prude - just didn't think they fit.

Overall - a solid effort.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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IamGlenn
Posted: November 1st, 2015, 11:23am Report to Moderator
January Project Group


:)

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Anon,

I liked this, mostly. I do find it weird that Emily invited Jack if she knew what her family were going to make her do. Also, at the end, there's a lot of people in the cabin? Is there a need? I get you wanted to show at one stage they're almost like the perfect family, but I don't see the need for all these characters.

Other than that, nice build up of tension at the start and I enjoyed the ending. The writing was good and the dialogue, for the most part, was believable.

Good job.

Glenn.


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wonkavite
Posted: November 1st, 2015, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
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Nice!  A very short response here (and for that, I'm sorry - though I seem to be on a tear tonight with wrapping up the last reviews for this OWC.)

So - very short version of the story...  This is a very solidly written story, one of the few in this OWC that had instantly relatable characters that seemed to breathe (and bleed) in real life.  Plus, there's an organic feel and mystery to this story that works quite well.

Could it be *slightly* trimmed?  Yep.  But - great work!  One of my faves....
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EWall433
Posted: November 2nd, 2015, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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It seems a little convenient for Jack to accidently throw the gun across the room. I'd change it to him trying to load it. George comes in pretty fast anyway, so I think it's a more believable sequence of events.

This was definitely one of the better ones, maybe the most complete one I've read so far. I was a little surprised Emily went after her mom, though. I thought maybe it'd just be Maggie. The level of doubt you provided kept me guessing as to whether Emily would switch allegiances, but the fact that she's willing to kill her mom seems like it might need a set-up. Also, George seemed just as bad as any of them, so I'm not sure why he was spared. I guess he doesn't have the curse, but does that really matter? Was it the curse that bothered Emily or the fact that she was being asked to kill someone? If it's the latter, then George is just as guilty.

It might be nice to have a last moment between Jack and Emily, especially since she saved his life. And finally, Emily speaks twice right at the end, but I'm guessing that was supposed to be George?

Anyway, nice work and congrats!
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Pete B. Lane
Posted: November 8th, 2015, 8:46am Report to Moderator
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First, thanks to all who took the time to read and review my submission. Some good points were made, and I found many of them quite useful.

I'll address some of the comments that were made:


Quoted from bert
...your "based on" sets the bar pretty high, with added pressure to deliver the goods.


I was just playing around there, but point taken.


Quoted from bert
The late reversal is a surprise, but only because it comes out of nowhere...


Many others mentioned this, so I accept it was a problem. That twist was a very late addition and was not properly explained. My second draft elaborates on her motivation a bit.


Quoted from bert
An unfortunate (and confusing) snafu in character dialogue titles right there at the end also serves to undermine your efforts


Yep, that was just a dumb error made in haste.


Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
Not bad, just wanted more,  I suppose.


I've added more, hopefully enough to clarify her choice.


Quoted from khamanna
First you introduce Jack and Emily and only then say that Jack is overweight and Emily is fit. You should have these descriptions when we first see them IMO.

You don't need "calls out" on p1 I think.


Their descriptions come in early enough I think. At first all we are supposed to see are two figures in the dark. I agree about the "calls out" though, that's been removed.


Quoted from AnthonyCawood
What sort of bureau has a sledgehammer and a rifle in it?


The kind in a small cabin with very little storage space, so there's a lot crammed into it. I changed it to a cabinet, perhaps bureau wasn't the right word.


Quoted from ScenesUnwritten
Get's confusing once George and Susan enter the cabin, as far as, where everyone is, who's talking to who, blocking, etc.


I believe blocking is a matter for the director.


Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley
Also, if the cabin's lights go on within as well as outside, why does Jack need a flashlight on the inside to survey the cabin? What does he do with it as he puts on the coat? Did he hang on to it as he slides his arm in?


You read too quickly, Darren. I clearly stated that he reaches in and turns off the lights. I started to address your other comments but realized they were nothing but blatant nitpickery, so I "cried uncle" and didn't bother.


Quoted from Nathan Hill
Overall, this is my favourite read so far, very tense and violent and I enjoyed it, thank you!


And thank you!


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
...poor nations setting...


I don't know what this means.


Quoted from Dustin
The first action block is overwritten.


Agreed. It's been trimmed.


Quoted from Dustin
re: your suggested change: That is far more powerful, IMO. Sometimes, less is more.


I did shorten it, but not that much. Style choice.

Good catch on the puberty angle.


Quoted from JonnyBoy
Ambiguity can be fine, but this was a bit different in that it felt like a lack of clarity rather than a deliberate effect. May just be me being thick, though!


You're not thick, I wasn't clear.


Quoted from JonnyBoy
Yeah, definitely a seasoned writer behind this one.


Thanks, I appreciate that.


Quoted from StevenClark
Then George helps Jack? I though he was the one who shot Jack. I don't know.


Yes, George's choice to help Jack is not clear at all. I fixed it, thanks.


Quoted from Angry Bear
This one didn't really work for me...at all.


Oh well, you can't please 'em all. It didn't go where you wanted it to go. I don't understand your issue with the weapons though.


Quoted from Canis
I dig the concept of a Matriarch as/opposed to an Alpha Male.


Thanks. I'm happy someone picked up on that. Maybe others did, but you're the only one to mention it.


Quoted from EWall433
The level of doubt you provided kept me guessing as to whether Emily would switch allegiances, but the fact that she's willing to kill her mom seems like it might need a set-up. Also, George seemed just as bad as any of them, so I'm not sure why he was spared. I guess he doesn't have the curse, but does that really matter? Was it the curse that bothered Emily or the fact that she was being asked to kill someone? If it's the latter, then George is just as guilty.

It might be nice to have a last moment between Jack and Emily, especially since she saved his life.


The second draft adds some bits to explain things better, I think. And good point about having a moment between Jack and Emily, I've added that.

~~~~~

Okay, that about covers it. Thanks again to all of you for reading, reviewing and (some of you) voting my script up enough to be in the 'liked' category. I needed that confidence boost right about now. I'll submit my second draft shortly. I will reciprocate a review to anyone who takes the time to read it.

~Pete




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Pete B. Lane
Posted: November 8th, 2015, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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A revised draft with a new logline has just been posted. Thanks Don.

I've considered the critiques of the first draft and made a few changes. Any additional feedback would be appreciated.

~Pete
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wonkavite
Posted: November 9th, 2015, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Pete -

Depending how the rewrite looks - PM me.  I think this one's got tons of potential.  

Cheers,

--Janet (W)
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