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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Junior's Farm - OWC
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  Author    Junior's Farm - OWC  (currently 4174 views)
Don
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 11:19am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Junior's Farm by Roto Tiller - Short, Horror - Something's been killing off Junior's chickens...and it ain't Infectious Bronchitis. - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 25th, 2015, 11:16pm
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bert
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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The absurdity of this log line won me over right away.  The file name, however, is certainly not the wisest choice this author has ever made.

THE GOOD:  Great tone.  Marjorie falling out of her chair is great.  I love those sorts of details.  Nice, tight writing that moves well.  Several great lines throughout.

THE BAD:   You fumbled the ball right at the end.  I read those final passages of dialogue several times and still have no idea what you were going for.  And Miguel is too obvious, right from his first mention on page 2.  

bert's grade:  B    


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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The tone and the writing are near enough perfect. It made for a very enjoyable read.

The actual story? Not bad, but pretty forgettable. Separated from the style and energy of the writing, it's a fairly standard creature flick with no real twist or new perspective on a well worn genre.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) Didn't understand why Marjorie fell out of her chair and pulled a shelf down, fine with locking the door but the other bit didn't read right imho
2) How high is the window that a grown man needs a boost to see in?
3) Why ignore the RUSTLE when you have every reason to suspect someone has been attacked?
4) Accidentally killing his partner, again this doesn't seem natural, too contrived?

Good bits:-
1) Well crafted from a structure point of view
2) Banter between the characters pretty decent too

Rules
Budget doesn't fell very low

Overall okay but just not enough going on or any real twists to set it apart.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1

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AnthonyCawood  -  October 25th, 2015, 11:50am
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ScenesUnwritten
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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I loved the pace and comedic tone of this without being at outright comedy.  

PROS: Some of the dialogue was outright hilarious, I almost lol'd (laughed out loud) a few times.  Great start to the story, had me hooked.  The tone and the writing and pace were spot on.  I really enjoyed reading this.

CONS:  The plot was pretty typical slasher/monster.  It got a little confusing at the end, especially the dialogue of "It's me. It's me." to It's him.  Don't really see this as low budget, with the gore and the many sets.

This writer has a great style and knows how to structure a story.  If I was producing a horror short I would want to produce this, needs a little work, but would be super fun to make, and fun to watch.  Great read.  I would want to see this expanded to feature length, as well.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
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Well crafted, a smooth read. You made a run of the mill monster hunt story interesting. The problem for me is there’s nothing new in here, no surprising twists or anything but the characters were well rounded, believable and there was a nice mix of comedy and tense action.

I started to lose interest on the last few pages and it also seems to me that you had a few more than the ‘one good make-up effect’ rule allowed but this was a solid writing effort.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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stevie
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
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Uneasy mix of the comic and horror. The hillbilly type chars are well done and when the gore kicks in it kind of jars.

I think these type of stories are perhaps better done as full blown horror or as more comedy type and not in between. Just IMO.

Like a few other writers, adding comedy to the horror mix made this challenge more palatable as the open endedness of it with minimal parameters always produces a batch of similar straight forward reads.



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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 1:45am Report to Moderator
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Every character was distinctly inked, and the dialogue gave off some "Fargo" vibrations. I don't have too many down-checks on this, it was very entertaining.

Without a character at the helm of the story, it sorta falls flat in the plot department. That said, out of all the characters, Marge seemed like the one who could own a bigger slice of the happenings - she has direct access to the entire plot.

The writing was outstanding, some lines in there I like a lot!

+ Dialogue, characters, atmosphere
+ Balanced humor
+ Marge

- Lack of protagonist
- The vibe let go
- Predictable twist
- Kills need more meat

BONUS:

+ I'm LMAO!
- The file name
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JonnyBoy
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 3:53am Report to Moderator
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Fun characters, flows well as a read with good images and atmosphere. For some reason never felt overly tense, new characters were summoned every few pages and dispatched before we really got to know them. But nice evocation of place.

SPOILERS

The twist of Miguel being the werewolf at the end was pretty clear ever since he was name-checked on page 2, but that's okay. I still liked him as a character when he turned up.

Who put the head in the stove, and why? Might be a reference to something which I'm not picking up on.

I'd have liked to have seen Marjorie get down there and sort things out herself at the end. Might have been a neat way of tying her back into the action.

Overall, not very horrifying but fun. A good read.


Guess who's back? Back again?
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 4:26am Report to Moderator
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Hmmm, I wonder who wrote this? Oh well, at least it should be written to a high standard. No clues as to the monster. That's disappointing.

Ah, perhaps the chickens are a clue, albeit a very subtle one.


An average story in the end. 5.5 out of 10, sorry mate.
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khamanna
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 4:44am Report to Moderator
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I liked the first half a lot. The characters in the first half were fun, too bad Junior had to die such a gruesome death.

I think you could do more with these characters. Is there a way to get read of Stanley? You introduce him very late into the story - I didn't like that.
After that it got a bit messy. We see Muquel...

I wish you could compress it into a shorter up to the point story.

I liked the twist in the end. I read twists like that but yours reads like new nonetheless. Good job overal IMO.
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Equinox
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 4:58am Report to Moderator
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This dialog on page 2 pretty much kills the suspense a bit:


Quoted Text

I'm about to make me a werewolf
fricasee...



Quoted Text

STANLEY EVERS (36), square-jawed, college boy good looks,
steps out. He adjusts his hat and exhales.


I'm having difficulties imagining a 36 y.o. with college boy looks here.

I liked the twist in the end as well, but I didn't understand why Charlie keeps saying 'It's me' - doesn't seem to make sense to me, when "it's" Miguel... maybe I'm misreading this.

Overall a nice, easy read.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 5:02am Report to Moderator
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It's mee

It's meee

It's Meeguel.


That's what it is.


He/She couldn't put "It's Mi..."  as that would give it away.

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Equinox
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
It's mee

It's meee

It's Meeguel.


That's what it is.


He/She couldn't put "It's Mi..."  as that would give it away.



Ahh, got it now - ignore me, I'm stupid
Thanks.


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irish eyes
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 9:00am Report to Moderator
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Everything about this reads pisstake

Just kidding.
Copyright 2014? do you have DeLorean with a flux capacitor?

This was a great read and flowed very easily, nothing amateur about the writing.

Whose head was in the stove, was it Murphy or someone else?
I like the twist at the end, not too sure what type of monster Miguel is but effective none the less

good job writer

Mark


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RKeller
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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I thought the over-the-radio cussing was unnecessary.  It seems many scriptwriters use profanity as a lazy crutch, because more thought-out words would have better impact.   "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.", Twain

You twice referenced the moon.  Not sure how the monster was ever in doubt.

If this was set near Juno, then the rolling head was a baked Alaskan.

Like others, I too stumbled over the Me Mee Meeee Miguel.


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Nathan Hill
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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This is another one f my favourites! Has that horror-comedy feel to it! This makes me laugh in a dark way just imagining the bumbling country police officers.

I really did enjoy this one as I felt it had some funny and entertaining scenes which were riddled with gruesome gore, it's right up my alley dark comedy wise.

I also liked the ending, 'it's mee', that felt like a smart piece of writing so +1 for that!

My only complaint is that I would have liked to see more of Junior, him surviving and facing off against the wolf or perhaps another piece of dark comedy would have been him being shot by the officers? That would have made for a very funny accidental death.

OVERALLL, I enjoyed this, it is a great dark horror comedy with potential scare factor as well as great characters and story telling.
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Gum
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 11:37pm Report to Moderator
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Great script!

Fast paced, funny, realistic tone/mood that carried it throughout. It had a retro cinematic feel to it as well, almost a Stephen King vibe... like Pet Cemetery, etc.

Full of gore/horror and fun to read.

Umm... just gonna throw this out there. The concept of a 'Mexican Werewolf in America' comes off more like a subtle poke at political satire to address  the (recent) Border Brouhaha ... clever in a unique way, and definitely  a modern  twist on the Werewolf concept if that's what you were going for?... works for me.
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LC
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Overall, a good lot of fun. Vibe is nice. Small town America, some not too bright characters and personalities.

Negs: It's cliché ridden - in a good way I suppose. Some of the opening lines were a bit dodgy, 'sugar tits' etc. (I'm no prude, just seemed a bit harsh), hmm, suppose it went with the set up and tone.

Just as a by the way, you U.S. writers do a funny thing - Charlie rolls Murphy's corpse off of him. 'Rolls off' does the trick you know...

Gooduns: Once you started getting into the dialogue things went swimmingly well. Some nice physical comedy from Marjorie to start off with. V.good attention paid to visuals - the screen door, and rusty swing, the ol' basement and its single bulb light fitting - print of American Gothic - nicely done.

Ending: bit of a let down, bit cheesy. Not sure because of that if this would be entirely satisfying on screen, as it is to read, and that is the aim.

Oh, and I'll admit that unless you'd written in the word 'werewolf' I wouldn't have guessed your 'monster'. 'Snout' suggested a rabid pig, like this one:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087981/




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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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This is sound writing by someone who knows what they are doing

Characters stand out even if you felt you've met them before

Story, on the plus it's simple, on the down it as nothing to standout

Now...what if junior had been breeding special hens and others, a curse upon himself etc

That's the kind of thing to keep it contained on the farm - and what's the modern twist?

Best of luck


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 10:45pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was PERFECT screenplay writing. Great job on that! However, I thought the story itself didn't quite live up to the quality of the writing.

I don't know what to suggest, it just seemed ho hum in the end.

Again, great writing that in my opinion would be awesome with a kick-ass story.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 27th, 2015, 4:33am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
I thought this was PERFECT screenplay writing. Great job on that! However, I thought the story itself didn't quite live up to the quality of the writing.

I don't know what to suggest, it just seemed ho hum in the end.

Again, great writing that in my opinion would be awesome with a kick-ass story.


I think you've hit the nail on the head there. It's so well written, like the perfect example of 'how to write a screenplay' - it's just the story is lacking, for me anyway.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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SAC
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Great pace and tone throughout. I had a good sense of place while reading. Tense in places, and structured very well. Only issue, as some have noted, was the story fell a little flat towards the end. Set up good, pay off not much so. Standard issue monster tale that could have used a bigger dose of originality. Still, Smartly written and told. Good job here.

Steve


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EWall433
Posted: October 29th, 2015, 2:20am Report to Moderator
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Good writing for the most part. I got a little confused on page 6 due to the size of the wound in Murphy's head. Sounds a little much for a 9mm, so I thought maybe Junior took his head off with a shotgun. Maybe specify some sort of high caliber revolver that Murphy's carrying; something that packs a little more punch than a standard issue pistol.

There's a lot of cops for such a small station and, though the characters are fun, I'm beginning to wonder if there's maybe too many of them.

I had a feeling Miguel was the culprit when Stanley found him.

This shows promise, but I think the thing that hurts it the most is it doesn't really have a protagonist. We never see the story through the eyes of any one person for very long, so it's hard to get a footing. As a result it feels too much like a series of events. 'This happens, then this happens' rather then 'This happens because this happens, thereby causing this to happen'. It's not completely scattershot, but it feels sort of like turning on a movie that's playing right in the middle. There's things going on, people dying, but it's hard to see whose story it is or what I'm suppose to care about.

I guess the most obvious fix for that would be to intro Stanley sooner and try to find a way to involve him more. Either that or handle Murphy and Charlie differently. Murphy shooting his own head off is funny, but it's kind of useless in the larger scheme of things, at least from where I'm standing.

A lot of character to this one though, and a good job for a week’s work.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 29th, 2015, 8:19am Report to Moderator
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Junior's Farm

The usual problem when all given space is used. It's stuffed.

And comes across as there's no will to focus, compress, cut, and let words go. Too many scenes and characters imo.

Nevertheless, some images were very visual and brutal and the ambition is there. Solid work.




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Dreamscale
Posted: October 30th, 2015, 5:41pm Report to Moderator
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The good news...

I read the entire script...and liked it for the most part.

Writing is pretty good....but...

The not so good news...

The writing is also a little irritating here and there, and the writer seems to be trying too hard.  There's a strange vibe throughout that takes away from the actual horror this could...and should be.

The dialogue is hit and miss, but...

The bad news...

Much of the dialogue is a miss for me.

There's alot going on, as in too much, but we see very little (low budget?  OK, I get it).

There's too many details crammed in, which makes the read very long and bloated feeling.

Which leads to a grade of...

B  Good job!
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eldave1
Posted: October 31st, 2015, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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Very solid writing in terms of format and style - this is one that can be referred to for how to do things properly.

The ending left me a bit - meh. Not worthy of all the great work building up to it. But this is one of my favs



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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IamGlenn
Posted: November 1st, 2015, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
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:)

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Roto Tiller,

Logline interests me greatly.

The story itself was decent. Kind of got bored near the end. Don't know if that's because it's my last one to read or because it was rather predictable. The writing is very good though and there are some pretty funny parts. Just nothing here that really grabbed me.

Best of luck.

Glenn.


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wonkavite
Posted: November 1st, 2015, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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Ah!  As is now my practice, I read in order of posting for this OWC.  So this was my last one, with "She Must Bleed" right before it.  Granted, the monsters/themes on both these are similar.

And there's something else simliar between them - classy, clean and solid writing - and an enjoyable tale.  And very, very good dialogue, too.  So is this on my list as one of the best of "wolf breed"?  Definitely.  

PS: LOVE the outhouse description!  Not to mention the 'Jersey Devil' quip!

Cheers,

--J (W)
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Marcela
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I loved the beginning, it really drew me in. It became a bit monotonous later on, with random people popping up and getting killed. Miguel also appeared kinda out of nowhere, he surely should have been there all the way through as Miguel, not just as the killing machine. Keep up good work,
Marcela


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SAC
Posted: November 7th, 2015, 10:28pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Hi. Thanks to all who cracked this open and for the votes that pushed it up.

I got this done with about 7 minutes to spare before the deadline. Prior to that I spent one day writing this, and a very quick spit and polish.

One of the cool/weird things about this script is the end where Charlie says, "It's me. It's me." Having no real crazy twist, I wanted people to think that perhaps Charlie could be the werewolf. As it turned out, Richard (I think) suggested he was trying to say "its mee...it's meee...it's Miguel." That was never what I intended. I feebly tried to throw peeps off Miguel's scent, so to speak. I'm not that smart. But I'll take Richard's take on it every day of the week!

I was also very pleased that many thought the writing was very good. Story could've used work, I understand. And while story is important, I'm glad that I've made strides with my writing to the point where my peers can point to it and say its good. It means a lot.

Steve


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: November 8th, 2015, 2:14am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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That was coincidence?


How strange!
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SAC
Posted: November 8th, 2015, 7:14am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Totally.


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